Lovesick Gods

by Amanda Meuwissen

  “She might have meant it, ya know,” Danny said when Andre continued to stare at his computer screen.

  “I know. I just don’t know if I’m up for the risk. Even for the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. Plus, she’s actually pretty funny,” he glanced up at Danny excitedly. “And smart, like, she shared this link with me about new CSI tech for Elementals, which I thought was a test for her to see if I was already using stuff like that to catch her, but she totally researched it and understood how it works even if it’s not a field she’s interested in.”

  Danny broke into a grin, which caused Andre to shake his head at himself.

  “Anyway…your boyfriend would probably ice me for even thinking of taking her out.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend.”

  “Just sleeping with the enemy, then?”

  “That was the plan…” Danny let his mind drift to the encounters with Cho that hadn’t only been about sex, like staying over at his apartment watching action movies until all hours, snuggled on the sofa. That was not nemesis or fuckbuddy behavior.

  “Look,” Andre said, voice dropping to a timid, serious timbre, “I am totally on board with you exploring your dark side if you’re sure you know what you’re doing, especially if it’s helping. But is it? Helping? Or is he just another complication you’re going to have to overcome when this is over?”

  Danny knew the real answer, even if he didn’t want to admit it. The sex, like Stella had pointed out so succinctly, was just a temporary high that honestly made him feel worse when he was without it, like an addiction. But the other things Cho provided him, a part of that peace lingered long after they were together.

  Which was silly, because it was just sharing meals and talking and spending time together, all things he could do with his real friends. Danny didn’t understand why being with Cho was like having everything he needed from his friends and family, but with something more too, something he couldn’t define and had never felt with anyone else.

  “I know I need to end it,” Danny said as his eyes drifted past Andre to the glass on the far wall that had so recently been cracked from when he kicked the hospital bed into it. It was fixed now, replaced with a new, unmarred pane. If only people could be fixed as easily. “But I want a little longer with him. A few more weeks, that’s all. He does help. More than I ever expected he could. When I have a good day, most of the time it’s because of him. I know that probably sounds crazy…”

  “A little. But nah, I get it. When I push aside my general irritation for the guy, I was the one telling you he’s not all bad a couple weeks ago. And I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to stay away from him when I…might have been considering exploring my own bad idea.” He nodded at the computer screen, and they shared a smile before both expressions faltered. “Do you really think Gaia could ever stop being a bad guy?”

  “Maybe. Do you think Cho…?” Danny couldn’t finish the question.

  “I don’t know, man. But if that ever happens? No double dates.”

  Danny snorted. “Deal.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Andre asked more seriously again. “When you ran out of here last night…”

  Thinking back on the evening’s events—on his outburst at Joey, Stella, and John; on how he’d acted with Cho before he snapped out of his anger—Danny’s gaze drifted until he focused on the mended glass again, ready with the usual canned response of I’m fine. I’ll be fine. But he was so tired of lying.

  “I’m not. I’m not okay. I’m trying…but I think I’ve kept some things in for so long, I don’t know how to let them out without exploding. It’s like every resentment and insecurity I’ve ever felt is right under the surface all the time. And god, that must sound so selfish when I’m Zeus,” Danny laughed—falsely, miserably. “The local superhero, who the whole city loves, and I’m complaining about bad moods. I don’t have the right to be this messed up when other people have had it so much worse.”

  “Dude,” Andre broke in, “there are no rulebooks out there that say only people who look miserable and have a tough life deserve to be depressed. It doesn’t work that way. Just because you have a good job, and a crazy night job, and friends and family who seriously, seriously, man, love you—and ya know, being marginally attractive helps, I’m sure,”—Danny snorted—“that doesn’t mean you can’t be unhappy. If everything was black and white, we wouldn’t need superheroes.”

  That was what Danny always wanted to believe, but most days it was hard to see himself as anything but a disappointment. Feeling the lump of sorrow in his throat, he was getting choked up and couldn’t stop it.

  He tried to turn away, to brush aside the tears without making it too obvious, but Andre was already on his feet, pulling Danny into a hug. Half of him wanted to resist because everyone was always taking care of him when he was supposed to be the one saving them, but it felt so nice to have his friend hold him.

  For so long he’d thought that only Rick and Stella could ever truly understand him, but his circle of friends was wider now. He had Andre. He had Lynn. He had…

  Choking on a sob into Andre’s shoulder, Danny wished this was easier, wished everything was easier. “I’m sorry…”

  “You can apologize as many times as you need to, man, but my reply is always gonna be the same. I’m here. Whenever you need me. It’ll be okay, Danny.”

  Someday. Someday it will. Danny just had to believe that.

  Holding on for several moments longer, he finally sniffled as he pulled away. “Thanks. I, uhh…better check my phone. I made a mess of things last night before I left home.”

  “Go. Do what ya gotta do,” Andre said, dropping back into his chair. “Just change first and I’ll take care of…” He grimaced as he looked at The Invisible Man still clinging to Danny’s form. “Do I need to sanitize that thing?”

  Danny took a moment to consider the question. “Maybe just to be safe?”

  “Urg, you so owe me for this. Sparky,” he added teasingly, and somehow it made things better. A little of the truth being out in the open wasn’t as disastrous as Danny had feared.

  Once he was dressed, he walked the hallways aimlessly, still inside the safety net of the locked section of the basement nobody knew existed. He prepared himself for the worst as he checked his messages, expecting some twenty odd texts from his dad or maybe more, but there were none. Only a single voicemail blinked at him. It was from Stella.

  Moving on autopilot, Danny held the phone to his ear and played her message.

  “Hey, Danny. I hope you listen to this. I hope you’re not so angry that you delete it. But if you do…I’ll just have to leave another one.

  “Wherever you are tonight, whatever you think we’re feeling right now, please know that you can always come home. You are always welcome home, Danny.

  “When you run out like that, you make me think I’m never going to see you again, and you…you don’t get to do that, okay? You don’t get to leave and never come back. Because you are family, and we love you so much. I love you so much…”

  The tears present in her words made Danny’s own spring up again.

  “We’ll give you time, Danny, we know you need time, some space, but please…please talk to me when you’re ready. I’m not giving up on you. I’ll never give up on you. I’m not letting you suffer again for six months, pretending you’re okay. You’re my best friend. You have a place in my heart that’s all yours, and it has nothing to do with obligation.

  “This past year felt like I already lost you and I only just got you back. Please don’t make me lose you again. Please…”

  He waited for her to say something else, for some obvious sign-off, but she just let her words trail, breathed out shakily, and hung up.

  Sinking to the floor, Danny sat cross-legged against the wall of the corridor with his phone in his lap. Then he shifted, because something in his je
ans pocket was poking him, and when he pulled it out to inspect it, he found the bottle of pills from Lynn.

  She said to take one whenever he hit a low point; now definitely counted. Without any water to wash it down, he swallowed the pill thickly, then set the bottle aside and stared at his phone. Sitting there, alone in the hallway, he eventually summoned the nerve to hit redial on Stella’s number. She picked up after the first ring.

  “Danny?”

  “I’m so sorry, Stella.” It felt like that was all he’d been saying to everyone he cared about for weeks—months—but he had to say it again.

  “Talk to me, Danny. Don’t shut me out. Let me help you.”

  Stella did this for a living—helped people to find their place. Danny needed to remind himself that just because she was a professional didn’t mean she didn’t care or want to help him as a friend and sister. But he felt like such a burden. On her. On his father. On Joey with all the baggage he’d thrown at him. Danny didn’t know how to save himself from the muck he’d gotten stuck in.

  “You’re not a burden, Danny. And you don’t have to save yourself alone. Even superheroes need to ask for help sometimes.”

  He knew she was right, but he had trouble believing that most days.

  They talked for what must have been hours before the crick in his back grew too bad to ignore and he felt the need for food and a shower. This time he’d told Stella everything—other than about Cho. That tidbit was just for him. And Andre, but Danny knew his secret was safe with his friend. Once he decided what to do about Cho, then he’d tell Stella. For now, it was enough to simply talk and to not try to hide any of the things that had erupted out of him at dinner.

  Between his friends and family, no one knew every piece to the puzzle of Danny’s misery, but now Stella knew about the pills, about the chasm of pain and loneliness that had been growing inside of him since his mother died. Since Rick died. Since he’d allowed himself to become a murderer.

  “Danny, you’re not—”

  “But that’s how I feel, no matter how dangerous Thanatos was or what he might have done to me if I hadn’t lashed out. I didn’t just kill him, Stella, I destroyed him.”

  “Okay,” she’d said without judgement or further arguing.

  What helped more than Danny expected was when she shared her pain and loneliness in return. How hard it had been to go to work after losing a mother for the second time. How, when it happened, she’d wished she and Danny weren’t siblings so she could vent to him like she had when she was first welcomed into their family, but she couldn’t—he was grieving this time too. How her solace had finally come from helping Joey, both a reflection of her and of Danny. He was something Stella could fix, because of her job and her stubborn determination. She couldn’t bring his mother back, but she could give him a family like she’d been given one.

  “We all have our own ways of coping, Danny. Helping Joey was mine. I hated seeing that yours kept being to tear him down.”

  “I don’t want to tear him down.”

  “I know that. But tearing yourself down isn’t any better.”

  This time, when Danny promised he wouldn’t run anymore, he swore to himself that he’d do everything in his power to make sure he followed through.

  He honestly couldn’t say if it was the pill he’d taken, Stella’s kind ear, the night he’d spent with Cho, or all of the above combined that did it, but when he finally ended the call and got up to leave the precinct, he felt lighter than he had since before he became Zeus.

  Chapter 21

  “One more time,” Mal said, staring at the collection of gear laid out on the large table in the safe house. A few weeks ago, it had been covered in blueprints. Now those plans were ingrained in Mal’s mind, and the table was filled with everything they’d need to have the Winterheart Diamond gift-wrapped and in their possession by nightfall.

  This was what everything had been leading up to since Mal and Danny first began their tryst, what Mal had once assumed would signal the end, yet now he had hope that the evening’s festivities would once again conclude with Zeus in his arms.

  “Again?” Lucy groaned. “Mickey, you are such a slave driver. Can we break for dinner already? I’m wasting away over here, and the pizza’s getting cold.” She’d been bad-tempered all day, which was unusual for her with a heist looming.

  “Mmm, Gino’s Pizza and a diamond heist. Brings back memories,” Dom reminisced about one of their earlier jobs from nearly twenty years back—a home invasion on Mal’s eighteenth birthday, taking a diamond ring from the safe of some old broad who hadn’t worn it in years. Looked better in Lucy’s collection anyway. “Better get it over with, Evergreen. You know Frosty won’t budge til we’ve inventoried every last piece for this job in triplicate.”

  Mal wanted to refute the ‘triplicate’ remark, before he realized this would indeed be the third time they’d inventoried everything. Once they finished dinner, they’d only have ninety minutes until the guard shift changed. They had to be in position twenty minutes before that to ensure they entered the scene at the right point in the new guard’s schedule.

  “One more time,” he said again, walking forward to tap his amplifier. “Cold field. Only if Zeus shows up. Otherwise, power usage minimal to avoid ice residue.”

  “Heat field,” Dom tapped her amplifier in kind. “Also only for Spark Plug. But I get to torch the paintings on the north wall.”

  Mal nodded. Dom always had to have something to set on fire, so Mal made sure there were options to accommodate that. The north wing wasn’t likely to burn out past the paintings, so the chance of the fire spreading was slim to none.

  “My powers for disabling surveillance and security, no civilians,” Lucy said. “Using caution so that any vines weaving their way into the tech will disintegrate by morning. Gas can for the guard.”

  “My ice to neutralize the gas,” Mal added.

  “Stupid comms from the kid,” Dom grumbled as she gestured at their earpieces.

  “To keep track of each other,” Mal reminded her. “And the rest of our gear for safety and showmanship.” He spread his arm out to encompass the eyewear and other aspects to their personas, like Lucy’s cloak in varying shades of green with a hood she kept up to cover her hair.

  “Anything else you’re bringing along,” Mal said, “no matter how mundane, tell me now.”

  Dom huffed as if they hadn’t gone through this routine for every job they’d ever carried out since their first. “Nothin’ for me. Havin’ my last cig now.” She pulled out a cigarette from the pack in her pocket and lit the end with a flame ignited on her thumb.

  Normally, Mal kicked her outside when she smoked, but he always allowed one before a heist.

  “Is my compact okay in case I need to freshen up?” Lucy poured on the oozing, synthetic charm, though Mal knew she likely would have her compact and lipstick along. Dom would stick to eyeliner and a grin. But Mal appreciated the effort they both made. Set a precedent. Mal’s father had never understood the necessity of doing things with style. That’s what made the Titans memorable; that’s what made them infamous.

  “Your head in the game, sis?” Mal tilted his head at Lucy all the same. “You seem distracted.”

  “Just hungry.” She tossed the short bob of her hair out of her eyes. “No more distracted than you lately.”

  Man troubles. Mal wondered if it had anything to do with…no, there wasn’t time to pry, but he knew she wouldn’t let him down. “All right,” he said, conceding the point and earning a relieved expression from his sister in return. “Grub’s on. We leave in thirty.”

  ß

  Danny was not avoiding Captain Shan. He’d just sequestered himself in his office more than usual to, uhh—okay, he was definitely avoiding Captain Shan. At least lately there was less heat on Danny about the Ludgate case, since more of the heat was on Zeus. Outw
ardly, Danny was still responsible, but the captain didn’t know that.

  After all, Zeus had faced Ludgate in the open, with officers and civilians all around to bear witness, and he had still come up empty. But Shan never relied on Zeus to save the day or took for granted his efforts against Elementals. The captain expected his officers and personnel to do the real job.

  As one of those officers, Danny still had nothing more to go on than what he’d had a week ago. He almost wished Ludgate would rob someplace new. The thief had to be planning things carefully for his next heist.

  Of course, there was someone at the station other than Shan who Danny had been trying to avoid.

  “Hey, kiddo,” John said as he entered the office. “What are you still doing here? You know it’s almost eight, right? You eat yet?”

  “Eight?” Danny glanced at his watch, amazed at how quickly the time had flown since his lunch break. Lately, he spent so much time watching the clock, his work day took forever. Today his mind had been elsewhere.

  Talking with Stella had helped, but he hadn’t really talked things out with his father yet, other than submitting to a hug when he got home, offering an apology, and hearing John’s promise that Danny would always be his son and he would always be there for him.

  Much the same had happened with Joey, though they hadn’t exactly hugged so much as Joey stared at Danny with wide-eyed adoration and fumbled over his words when they spoke. A full conversation would have to come later, if Danny ever got the chance to breathe again.

  “Why are you here so late, Dad? Did you want to grab something to eat?” Danny asked, smiling hopefully at his father as he pulled his blazer from the back of his chair and swung it around his shoulders. He could tell when his father was keying himself up to broach a difficult subject, and two days of passing each other tensely in the hallways at home had been more than enough to tip the balance. “I can come back to the precinct after. I was going to do a quick patrol tonight in case Ludgate shows.”