Chasing Alys

by Morgana Bevan

  With a hard drumbeat, the band kicked into full swing. Ryan opened his mouth and Emily went crazy, which made me laugh. That is until Ryan’s words registered.

  “The chase too much / I’m burning up. / Don’t let the sunrise / I can’t stop. Don’t let the night end / I can’t forget…” Ryan sang to a captivated crowd, his eyes fixed on me.

  Despite the mortification that he was singing about our first night together, I couldn’t hate the song or Ryan for using our fumbling start to inspire new music. How many women had such tangible proof of their partner’s feelings for them? Mine wanted to share his with the world, and that meant he kept drawing the line in the sand between us and the overeager fans.

  As terrifying as it all was, it shot a happy thrill through me.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “Why aren’t you dressed?” Ryan demanded.

  Emily failed miserably at concealing her smirk. Ryan’s bandmates joined her despite their intense focus on the game unfolding on our TV screen. They were sprawled out on our sofas with controllers in hand. Their players kept dying bloody deaths, and that seemed to be all James’s fault, or so Dan’s swearing led me to believe.

  “Not you too! People need to stop making plans, telling me nothing about them and then getting pissy when I’m not ready by some pre-defined time only you’re aware of! It was never a fun game, so both of you, quit it!” I said, the words escaping me in an exasperated rush.

  “I’m taking you out. Didn’t you get my text?” Ryan asked.

  “No?” I picked up my phone. Sure enough, the light was flashing. His name appeared in the previews as I unlocked my phone.

  Ryan: Can I take you out this afternoon?

  Ryan: Red?

  Ryan: I’ll be there at 2PM.

  “Oops. It must be on silent. Sorry, we were pretty focused on the game.” I threw the blanket aside and stood. “What do I need to wear?” That gave him pause. “What kind of date is it?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “Okay, but what kind of date? Outdoors, indoors, active, bar?”

  Panicked, Ryan looked to his bandmates for help. They chuckled at him.

  “Dude, stop being cagey. It’s an easy question.” James laughed.

  “All of the above?” Ryan hedged.

  Not even slightly helpful. Resisting the urge to shake my head, I fixed my smile and pressed on. “Is it casual or dressy? Do I need to wear flats or heels?”

  Frowning, he eyed me with suspicion.

  “I’m not trying to trip you up. It’s just a bit more complicated than throwing anything on.”

  In the corner, Emily snorted. All eyes fell on her bright red face and tightly sealed lips. She buried her face in Jared’s shoulder and had a good old chuckle at my expense. Ryan’s frown didn’t budge.

  “I wouldn’t wear a dress if we were going ice skating, and jeans and a t-shirt would be too dressed down for a bar.”

  “Can you just dress warm?” He pleaded, the whites of his eyes showing.

  Note to future Alys: Ryan can’t deal with choices.

  I had no clue how to dress for all eventualities, but I’d try. The poor man was treading water.

  “Give me five minutes.”

  He nodded and let out a relieved breath. I wrapped my arms around his waist for a brief hug. I hadn’t seen him all day. With my body close to his, I felt the tension ease and his muscles relax. For the first time since he’d set foot in the room, he smiled. It did funny things to my insides, but one thing was clear, I’d do anything to make him happy.

  With that slightly terrifying thought, I stepped away and got myself out of there.

  “Do you need help?” Emily called as I stepped out of the room.

  The answer should have been obvious to her, so I didn’t bother replying. In the living room, Jared grumbled at Ryan, but his words were too quiet for me to understand. It all became clear when Emily followed me into my bedroom.

  “He really didn’t ask me to relay a message,” she confessed, heading straight for my wardrobe.

  “It’s okay. He seems nervous for some reason.”

  “Men!” She shrugged and continued pawing through my clothes.

  I couldn’t disagree with her. My experience didn’t stack in their favour.

  “How about skinny jeans and a smart top with a pair of your heeled boots?” she suggested, removing a pair of silky blouses from the rail.

  “And a very thick coat.”

  “Don’t forget the gloves and a scarf,” she added, shivering. “He does realise it’s like three degrees out there, right?”

  “I hope so.”

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Her cheery tone was as forced as her smile.

  It would have made the perfect summer date – the sun shining; the temperature just warm enough for a summer dress and sandals, but not sunstroke-sweltering; the grass dry and freshly cut; a bottle of bubbly to aid along that sun-drunk feeling – but a picnic in the park in the dead of winter in Wales was not perfect or date-like.

  In fact, it was miserable. The sky looked an angry shade of black as the wind howled around us. The park wildlife were nowhere to be found, and the grass was so boggy I struggled to walk without my heels sinking into the mud.

  Ryan cast his eye around the open, deserted field. A deep frown marred his beautiful face. “The weatherman said it was going to be nice out.”

  “It’s December.”

  His eyes swung to me, confused and questioning.

  “It never clears up,” I said. “And you’re in Wales. After Ireland, we kind of win the rain game.”

  Unmoved, he continued to scowl at the field and the clouds. He looked adorable, or as adorable as a six-foot-two rock star can bundled up in a winter coat and scarf. The solid, woven picnic basket he held only added to his sweet image.

  “Why don’t we do something else?”

  “Like what?” he asked, his tone sullen.

  “We could have cocktails and play some board games?” Mindfully, I kept my voice light and airy. On the outside, I was completely unaffected by the disastrous start to our date. On the inside, I was ever so slightly shocked that he’d thought a picnic in the park would work. Even if the sky wasn’t ready to burst, we’d catch hypothermia.

  But my strong man looked ready to cry. Had the roles been reversed, I would have. But then I wouldn’t have planned a picnic in winter.

  Before he could reply, the heavens opened and fat raindrops pounded down around us. Pulling me into his body, Ryan tried to shelter me from the worst of the onslaught as we ran towards a heavy cropping of trees.

  Water dripped from Ryan’s windswept hair. I couldn’t imagine I looked much better, but I was very thankful for the waterproof layer of my coat. I’d say whatever was in the picnic basket was now thoroughly soaked through and inedible.

  Ryan glowered at the downpour. He kept throwing me surreptitious glances, like he expected me to moan about his attempt to be romantic – or at least that’s what I assumed he’d been going for. Dropping the basket, he ran his hand through his dripping hair and started pacing a tight circle around the tree.

  My lips twitched, but I bit down hard on the amusement. He would definitely take it funny if I so much as giggled at the situation.

  “Why do I feel like there’s more to this than a failed date?” I gestured to the path he’d already drawn in the pine needles.

  “There’s not.”

  As if I was buying that. He’d grunted the words at me and made zero eye contact. This was not my Ryan.

  “Okay. So, hypothetically, if there was a reason, what would it be?” I crossed my arms as I considered his tense form.

  “Just give me a minute. It’ll be fine. I’ll think of something that’ll be even better.”

  “You don’t need to think of something good or romantic or memorable. We could go to the cinema or a bar for all I care. As long as we’re together, I’ll have fun. Spending time with you is enough.”

  “I
can do better than that, promise.”

  “I know you can, but you don’t need to,” I said, trying to catch his eye and further reassure him. He avoided my gaze with steadfast determination.

  A sick feeling settled in my stomach and dread fuelled every neurotic thought I’d succeeded in suppressing. Something was wrong and I couldn’t fathom what. We’d been having fun, we got on surprisingly well, he was always so thoughtful, caring and careful with his words. This didn’t make any sense.

  Unwilling to let my demons out of their cage, I stepped in front of him, stopping him dead in his tracks. Grasping the wet edges of his coat, I stood up on my tiptoes and forced him to meet my eye. Panic and fear shone back at me in the dim light.

  “Please tell me what’s wrong, Ryan.”

  He swallowed, shaking his head with a hard jerk.

  “I can’t help if I don’t understand the problem. We’re together. We can go anywhere for a date night. I’m dressed for any option despite your vague ‘get dressed’ orders…” I smiled, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t work. He just stared at me with sad eyes. My heart hurt for him. “Talk to me. I can’t stand seeing you unhappy.”

  Without a word, he pulled my body flush to his. Leaning his forehead against mine, he held my gaze in an intense stare that I couldn’t interpret.

  “Jared reminded me that we’re going on tour in less than two weeks,” he said, his voice riddled with the sadness that marred his features. I didn’t really want to be reminded that he would be leaving me around Christmas.

  “I thought you were excited about the tour? It’s your first international headliner, isn’t it?” I couldn’t match the scared person before me against the wonderful man I’d come to care for far more than was safe.

  “I am excited – was excited. I don’t know!” He paused, releasing me to recommence his pacing. “I realised that I’d have to leave you. For months.”

  “We can video chat every day. It’s not like you won’t hear from me.” Not like when you went to Germany.

  “I know that, but what if something happens and we miss a day?”

  “Then we miss a day and it’ll be fine.” My brow creased in confusion. Where was this going?

  “But what if you get hurt or something happens at work and you need me?”

  “Then I’ll call you.”

  “And if I’m doing an interview or I’m on stage? Emily’ll be with us on tour. What will you do then?” His words came out in a rush, panic lacing each one.

  “Slow down. I’m kind of used to soothing my own wounds. If I need to talk to someone about an imaginary hurt, I’ll wait until you’re off stage.”

  “See, that’s what worries me,” he huffed, pacing past me and spinning around just as he reached the edge of the tree cover.

  My ability to look after myself worried him? What the actual fuck. Confusion and annoyance fought for supremacy.

  Yet again, I stopped him in his tracks, and this time, I held on tight.

  “Please explain why my independence worries you.” Had he been in his right mind, he’d have noted the dangerous undercurrent to my words.

  “I’ll be thousands of miles away, different continents, different times zones. My schedule will be manic and when I’m not talking, I’ll be exhausted. And getting you to give me a chance is a fight I’m glad I won, but it was bloody hard and sometimes I still don’t feel like I’ve got a firm grip on you. I feel like I won the battle and if I go on tour, I’m going to lose the war and you’ll move on before I get back.”

  Silence followed his declaration. He stared into my eyes, searching for an answer to some unknown question, while I tried to understand what his words actually meant. I had two interpretations and I’m not sure I actually liked either of them. One, he was scared long distance would be harder work and he didn’t want to go through it. Or two, he was scared I would stray so he didn’t want to go on tour just in case.

  Had he not been watching me with such raw fear in his eyes, I might have laughed at the last one.

  “What are you asking of me, Ryan? I need you to lay it out clearly.”

  Sighing, he rested his forehead against mine and closed his eyes, cutting me off from my only direct line to his emotions, vague as it might be. I almost begged him to open them again. Instead, I let the silence take over and trusted that he was thinking things through.

  “Bet this wasn’t what you expected when I dragged you out of the flat.” He smiled, his eyes still closed, shutting me out.

  “It’s okay. I’d rather be with you and understand what’s going on inside your head, anyway.”

  “I don’t want to lose you, and maybe we should have talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t think it was going to be a problem.” He met my gaze, and I relaxed. Clarity shone back at me. The panic had cleared and I could see my Ryan again.

  “People leaving used to be a big issue for me. With my parents writing me off and abandoning me for Australia, I got a bit neurotic with the guys for a while, but it settled down and I thought I’d got over it.”

  His arm settled around my waist, and he smiled at me. He lifted my chin with his finger and leaned in for a kiss.

  “And then I met you. The minute I saw you, I knew there was something unexplainable tying us together. I never expected to see you again and when I did, you fought so hard against us, it would make any man doubt himself. I guess even though I got you, somewhere in the back of my head, I’m scared that this is temporary for you.”

  “It’s not,” I promised, kissing him, hoping that he would believe my words because, for the first time, I was certain the loss of a man – this man – would break me.

  “And that reawakened whatever issue I used to have with people leaving me,” he continued, as though I hadn’t spoken. “I don’t think you’ll stray. I’m scared you’ll realise your life is more than fine without me and I’ll have to fight for you all over again. And I’ll lose next time.” He whispered the last line with a maddening finality that made me want to both cry and scream.

  “Okay. One, we won’t let that happen.” My fingers skated across his jaw. “And two, there must be a simple solution here.”

  He stared at me blankly. My fingers clenched, fighting the need to shake him.

  “I don’t start work until the end of January. Do you want me to come on tour with you?”

  He hesitated, studying my upturned face. His fingers smoothed along my cheekbone, and I melted into his touch. Funny how people change. I used to dislike his incessant need to touch me in some way. But now, I loved it and I’d probably get pissy if he ever stopped.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, spewing the words at speed. “It would really help if you were with me and I’d appreciate your company, but I don’t want to force you to give up your free time. It’ll be fun. You’ll get to see lots of cities, experience tour bus life. That’s not actually a draw – forget I said that.”

  “You’re not forcing me into anything. I offered.”

  “I didn’t even have to… Why was that so easy?” He leant back, eyes narrowing. “It was the travel, wasn’t it?”

  “For a rock star, you really are insecure. I’m not keen on months apart either!”

  “You like me insecure.” He cupped my face in the palm of his hands.

  “It beats the massive ego you started with, sure.”

  There were things we’d have to work out, but for the most part, I could give him some time. “Telling me you wanted me with you was all you needed to say to begin with.” I smiled, smoothing my hands through his hair.

  The sadness evaporated, and his body relaxed. He looked as happy as a kid at Christmas. His lips met mine and I got lost in him, in trying to convey the depth of my developing feelings for him through our bodies.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  A pained hiss woke me the next morning. The room was pitch black and my eyes burned. I was about to roll over and turn the light on when the bed shook, and the sound came again. />
  “Ryan?”

  “Shit. I didn’t mean to wake you,” Ryan whispered, his voice groggy.

  I sat up and clicked the lamp on. He stood at the foot of the bed, rubbing his shin where he’d caught the edge of my wooden bed. I winced in sympathy. The edges were a painful wake-up call far too often.

  A glance at my bedside clock confirmed that I did not want to be awake.

  “It’s three AM, Ry. What are you doing?”

  It was a redundant question. I could clearly see him trying to get dressed, but that didn’t explain why.

  “Sorry, I was trying to be quiet. Matt booked in some radio interviews for the album.”

  I fell back against the pillows and covered my eyes.

  “Is this payback?”

  Ryan’s answering chuckle was soft. “He didn’t deny it.”

  Of course he didn’t. All the better to catch us unawares.

  “When will you be back?”

  “About that,” Ryan said, his hesitation audible. I uncovered my eyes and took in his sheepish expression. “I’m meeting the guys for breakfast and then we’re jumping straight into another practice session. I don’t think I’ll be back until tonight.”

  “Okay. Why are you looking at me like that?” I gestured to his careful smile.

  I knew he’d have to prepare for the tour. I hadn’t thought it would start so soon or be so full on, but it was his job. If I expected him to deal with my work hours when the time came, I couldn’t exactly complain about his.

  “I was expecting us to have more time together without work interfering.” Ryan rounded the bed and sat at my side. “I had all these plans about taking you out and doing couple-y things.”

  “Like what?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. Hiking or something.”

  “Me, hiking?” I pointed at myself. “We did have the conversation about me not being an outdoors person, right?”