Suzy Spitfire Kills Everybody

by Joe Canzano

  There was more laughter from the crew while the captain walked across the room and stood behind the bar. “And what will the lovely lady have?” he said.

  Suzy shrugged. “A shot of Jack—and an omelet. You people interrupted my breakfast. Also, you can get me my pistol. I’m feeling kind of naked here.”

  “I think we can oblige two of your requests,” he said. He poured Suzy a shot and then turned to Ned. “Take them to the brig. Then get them something to eat.”

  Suzy downed her shot and scowled. “How long are you planning to hold us? We don’t have anything valuable.”

  “She’s right,” Ricardo said. “If you’re searching for cargo, you’re looking at it. Just the three of us.”

  The dark-haired woman wandered closer to the bar near Suzy. She was a big-hipped lady who looked loud and busty in a blazing red dress. When she spoke, her accent was a bit more bawdy sounding than the captain’s.

  “They’re a pretty bunch, Captain,” she said and gave Ricardo a wink. “Maybe they’ve got a future in one of our productions.”

  Suzy gave a snort. “We’re not interested in being part of any circus. I left my clown pants at home.”

  “Yeah,” Ricardo said with a laugh. “We’re not interested. But what kind of production are you talking about? I can’t sing, and I can’t dance—but there’s a poet in these pants.”

  He gave the woman a return wink. She laughed and glanced at the captain, who seemed not to notice. Instead, Captain Orange banged downed his shot of whiskey and said, “Nate, lock the pretty people up, would you?”

  “Aye-aye, Captain… You heard the man—move it.”

  Suzy grabbed the bottle of whiskey. “I might need something to pass the time.”

  The captain put his hand on the bottle and yanked it back. “I’m afraid this is my brand, dear. But if you’re a good girl, I’ll get you a present.”

  “Thanks. Don't plan a shopping spree.”

  They stared at each other for a second. Then he said, “What’s your name?”

  “Suzy.”

  “All right, Suzy. Maybe I’ll see what I can come up with, anyway.”

  The prisoners were forced to stand still while a guy flashed a scanner in front of each person’s right eye. Then they were marched down a passageway and into an elevator. As they walked, Suzy was determined to note the basic layout of the ship; it’s always easier to escape when you know where you’re going. But unfortunately, she didn’t see much of it. The elevator stopped and they were led down a short passageway to a gunmetal gray door outlined in rivets and bolts.

  “What the hell is this?” Suzy said to Nate. “I’m surprised there’s no drawbridge and a moat to cross. Are you going to be the guy in the black mask with the big axe?”

  “My axe is big enough,” Nate quipped. “But you won’t be seeing it today. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

  The door slid open into the wall, revealing a comfortable-looking suite of rooms.

  Ricardo was impressed. “I’ve stayed in hotels that were worse than this. I guess you don’t have any rats on this ship, right?”

  “Only for dinner,” Nate said. “You can hit the button there to speak to someone if necessary, but for the most part this is where you’ll be until...”

  “Until when?” Maria said. These were the first words she’d spoken since being brought on board.

  “Until the captain decides what to do with you.”

  With one final nod from Nate the door clanged shut.

  “Motherfucker,” Suzy said. “What a crew. They look more like a travelling carnival than a bunch of pirates.”

  “Yeah,” Ricardo said. “I suppose things could be worse. We could’ve been stopped by a guy with an eye patch and a hook for a hand.”

  “I’m sure Captain Orange has an eye patch,” Suzy said. “He’s got six of them so he can color coordinate.”

  “He seemed to like you well enough.”

  “What are you talking about? You mean because he gave me a drink? A lot of guys have done that. You know the type—meet a girl in a bar, lie to them about their criminal intentions, blah blah.”

  Ricardo rolled his eyes. “Suzy, I told you I was sorry for lying, but that was my job at the time, remember?”

  “Right. Was it also your job to give the ‘flying saucer eyes’ to the slut in the red dress?”

  His mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding me? That was just a friendly glance. I was trying to get on her good side.”

  “I’m sure. And that’s exactly the method I was talking about.”

  “I said I was sorry about the bar thing!”

  “I think you’ve got more to be sorry about.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like the secret message to your family that I think was something else.”

  Maria gave Ricardo a sharp glance. “What secret message to our family?”

  Ricardo hesitated. “Okay, I sent a message to Pablo,” he said. “And I’m sorry I lied, but I didn’t feel like explaining it right then. I would’ve told you the truth eventually.”

  “You mean after you got caught, right?” Suzy said. “That’s when guys like you tell the truth—and they usually make it part of the next lie, which I’m guessing is on the way.”

  Maria was still staring at Ricardo. “Why are you talking to Pablo?”

  “I didn’t talk to him!” Ricardo said. “I sent him a message. It’ll take at least an hour for him to get it because we’re a long way from Earth, remember? Anyway, I just wanted him to know what was going on. Why wouldn’t I do that? After all, it’s his spaceship, and it was his people that saved us at the spaceport—and I’m still working for him, right?”

  “Right,” Suzy said with a smirk. “I guess that says it all. And you’re still doing your job.”

  “Suzy, I’m not. I mean not really. But I can’t cut him out just yet.”

  “You’re planning to cut Pablo out?” Maria said. “When did you think up this stupid idea?”

  “Maria, it’s complicated. Besides, why do you care? You don’t want to see him, anyway.”

  “I don’t want you to get yourself killed, you idiot!”

  Suzy almost laughed, but she was too annoyed by the whole situation.

  Ricardo threw up his hands. “Let’s stop arguing, okay? Right now we need to concentrate on getting out of here… We need to assume these people are dangerous, even if they don’t look that way. They’ll probably ransack our ship, and they won’t find anything, and then they’ll either keep it or sell it. And that’ll leave us without a ride. So we need to stick together and come up with a plan.”

  Suzy frowned and started to talk—and then she stopped. Well, there is some fucking truth to what he’s saying. ”All right,” she said. “I’ll agree with that, at least for now.” Then she puffed out her chest a bit and said, “Let’s look around and see if we can find anything useful.”

  There was a moment of silence—and then everyone nodded, and Suzy felt better; in fact, she was surprised at how much better she felt. Then like the others, she set to work examining their surroundings. She discovered two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a living area with a table and chairs. In the bathroom were new toothbrushes, fresh towels, and a bottle of shampoo. The shampoo wasn’t her brand but all in all this was the nicest brig she’d ever seen. It was nicer than a lot of places she’d lived in. If there were roaches in this place, she wouldn’t be surprised to see them wearing dinner jackets.

  There was also a closet filled with clothes. There were men’s pants and belts and jackets and a variety of fashionable dresses in different sizes for women.

  Suzy held up a clingy crimson dress and laughed. “I guess the captain likes his prisoners to be well dressed.”

  Maria rifled through the clothing. “Or maybe people left this stuff behind after their stay was over.”

  “I don’t know,” Suzy said. “How many fancy dinner parties can one pirate ship plunder?”

  Suddenly the main door swung
open and Nate was standing there with two dinner trays. Behind him was a woman with a pistol, pointing it inside.

  “Time for breakfast,” Nate said. Each tray had an omelet and some toast.

  Suzy glanced at the food. “What, no fresh fruit? I’m going to have to leave this place a bad review.”

  “How come there are only two trays?” Ricardo said.

  Nate grinned. “The captain has requested that Ms. Suzy be his guest for dinner.”

  “But this is breakfast,” Suzy said.

  “For these two it’s breakfast,” Nate replied. “Here on board it happens to be dinnertime. I see you’ve found the wardrobe. I can wait while you change into something more interesting.”

  Suzy said nothing. On the one hand, she wanted to give a rude answer and say that she’d stay in her cell and keep her currently disheveled outfit. But on the other hand…

  She grabbed the crimson dress and ran into the bathroom. “I’ll be ready in a minute,” she said.

  “I’ll be outside,” Nate said and closed the door.

  Ricardo ran into the bathroom as Suzy was changing her clothes.

  She scowled at him. “Hey, a little privacy would be nice, okay?”

  “Suzy, I’ve seen you naked, and we need to talk.”

  “What’s there to talk about? You were either really impressed or totally disgusted.”

  “Be serious! You looked great. But that’s not what I’m talking about.”

  “Your omelet is getting cold.”

  “Suzy, this captain can’t be trusted.”

  “And I suppose you can be trusted?”

  “Yes, I can be trusted! I’m totally on your side.”

  “Did Pablo tell you to say that?”

  “Are you still talking about that? You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

  “Am I, Ricardo? I understand why you’d send Pablo a message. I mean, sure, drop him a cheery postcard from outer space. But when I asked you about it, your initial reaction was to lie—and that means you’re hiding something. I’ve seen people acting suspicious before, and I let it go, and then I regretted it later. Do you understand?”

  “Suzy, this is nothing like that.” Then he sighed and said, “If you’re going to go, try and find out something.”

  “What a great plan. It’s a good thing you’re here. Do you think I should avoid getting raped and killed, too? Because I wasn’t quite sure.”

  “I mean try and be subtle about it.”

  “I’m not subtle?”

  “You’re about as subtle as a sledgehammer.”

  Suzy ignored him as she ran a brush through her hair. Then she checked herself out in the mirror.

  “How do I look?”

  Ricardo stared at her and sucked in his breath. “Amazing. But listen—”

  “Thanks. I’ll bring you back a doggie bag.”

  She whirled past him and headed for the main door. She didn’t look back.

  ***

  Suzy felt a headache coming on as she followed Nate to the elevator, or what he called the “lift.” Was she really making a big deal out of nothing? It wouldn’t be the first time. How many romantic relationships had she destroyed before they’d even started? All of them.

  Her mind flashed back to the previous evening with Ricardo. Her heart beat faster as she recalled the sweaty storm of blistering moments, and her head swam with a warm and fuzzy feeling. It had been memorable, no doubt.

  As the elevator door slid open she gritted her teeth. She had to be honest with herself. She wanted to believe in Ricardo—but the bastard was going to have to do a better job of convincing her. Right now it was time to eat, and she was hungry.

  The Heartbreaker had a dining room big enough to hold a hundred. Suzy wondered if this vessel had once been a luxury liner. Well, it’ll take more than croissants and consommé to win me over, she thought. Unless, of course, they have fresh avocados. Then pass me a cutlass and a stupid pointy hat.

  She counted about twenty vividly dressed pirates sitting around one lengthy table. The women had long, flowing hair, blindingly bright dresses, and layers of sparkling jewelry. The men looked the same, only without the dresses. Suzy figured there were others tending to various ship duties. Most of them wore side arms and this was bad. It also wasn’t necessary on board a ship, but then again she always wore one herself. But she didn’t wear her weapon like a piece of jewelry. She wondered how many of these people would blow off their own feet if they actually had to shoot anything.

  With some effort Suzy kept herself from laughing. These people were trying hard to be something they wanted to be—but only because they didn’t really understand what that thing was. They were like the residents of some swanky enclave in a fashionable city, living out their rebel dreams on Daddy’s cash.

  Captain Orange was at the head of the table, and Suzy was seated just to his left as an honored guest. In the back of her head, she heard her mother’s voice telling her to behave, and to not spill her juice, and to stop fighting and swearing and flinging the food around. Then the Captain smiled at her, and it was her father’s voice that echoed through her brain: Every situation is an equation, Suzy. It’s all about the math. She gave a little laugh. Dad had been a hypocritical nerd but sometimes she missed him. What kind of equation would he have seen here?

  The captain raised a wine glass. “Please, everyone, say hello to our guest, Ms. Suzy.”

  Suzy kept her expression blank as everyone raised a glass in her direction.

  “Thanks,” she said. “You can just call me ‘Suzy’ for now. You’ll be calling me worse things later.”

  There were a few cheers and some healthy laughs. She scanned the table and noticed everyone seemed nice enough. The one exception to the sea of smiles was the dark-haired woman in the bursting red dress who she’d seen earlier at the bar. Suzy knew a pair of stink eyes when she saw them being thrown her way. Normally, she would throw them right back—but she wasn’t normally being held prisoner on a pirate ship.

  I better cool it for now, Suzy thought. Or at least try my best.

  Captain Orange handed her a plate of rolls and some butter.

  “Thanks, Captain,” she said. “So why am I at the dinner table while my friends are in the brig?”

  The captain raised his eyebrows and then gave her a sideways glance. “Call me ‘Bob,’ ” he said. “We used the eye scans to do a background check on each of you.”

  Suzy frowned. Those damned eye scans. Everyone was registered at birth, but the average person didn’t have access to the information. Obviously, these pirates were either well connected or had at least one very tech savvy person on board.

  “Oh,” she said. “So my friends are too dangerous for a public feeding?”

  “Not exactly. In fact, the data showed them as relatively harmless. You, on the other hand, are wanted for murder as well as armed robbery and an assortment of other crimes.”

  “Me?” Suzy screwed up her face into a look of shocked indignation. “Are you sure you’re twiddling the right knobs? I would remember committing ‘other crimes.’ ”

  “Quite sure, Suzy. That means you’re an outlaw.” He grinned. “It means you’re one of us.”

  “Right. I’m guessing you think that’s a compliment. So how many ‘other crimes’ have you committed, Bob?”

  “Enough,” he said, puffing out his chest. “But don’t get the wrong idea. We’re not just a bunch of cutthroats here. We’re people looking for adventure. And how can I complain about where the wheels of adventure have placed me? Here I am, sitting at the head of the table with a beautiful dinner guest.”

  Suzy gave a snort. “And here I am,” she said while tearing off a hunk of bread. “The captive of a fake pirate.”

  In a flash, Bob’s expression grew dark. “I’m not fake!” he snapped, and everyone looked his way. Then he gave a wave of his hand and pulled a smile back onto his face. “Did you ever ask yourself, Suzy, what the average pirate did before turning to pirac
y? We come from diverse backgrounds with one common interest: the desire for life out of the ordinary. And with the current state of the solar system in such disarray—with all the independent planets and city-states and a total lack of cooperation between their so-called ‘authorities’—well, we thought we’d try our hand at this for a bit. And it seems that we’re quite good at it. And who knows, maybe you might even want to join us.”

  He once again tipped a glass of wine in her direction.

  Suzy glanced down the table and saw the busty brunette in the red dress still throwing her a wolfish look. This was worse than before; her stink eyes were spinning like daggers.

  Suzy didn’t frown. She didn’t smile. She just looked at the captain and turned her attention to the fresh salad that was now in front of her.

  She considered not making any more wisecracks, but she got the feeling the captain liked her wisecracks—as long as they didn’t prick his own inflated ego. Then Captain Orange reached out and put his hand on top of hers. Damn, why had he done that? She was hungry and she had her fork in that hand.

  “Let me be clear,” he said. “We’re business people. None of us are ignorant or uneducated. On the contrary, I was the CEO of a large health club.”

  Suzy took a sip of wine. Not bad, she thought. But she’d had better.

  “You do look pretty healthy, Captain.”

  “Thank you. So do you.”

  “It’s mostly by accident.”

  “Would you like some more bread? Would you like some more salad?”

  “Sure, thanks.”

  “After dinner, would you like a tour of the ship?”

  “Why not?”

  In fact, there’s nothing I’d like more.

  Captain Orange shouted for someone to get Suzy additional bread, and a couple of pirates nearly fell over themselves to fetch it. Meanwhile, the brunette kept firing her atomic meltdown glare. Then Ned stood up, and Suzy noticed his sidearm was a Series 7 pulse pistol. She squinted at a small cylinder attached to the top. A light on the end of the cylinder was blinking like a tiny red eye.

  Interesting, she thought. She’d seen these devices before; they were used by police forces in certain city-states where the top thug knew his position was one short revolution away from becoming terminal. The device was called a ‘master controller.’ It meant that someone could power up—or power off—Ned’s gun from a central location.