Love Me Like You Do: Books That Keep You In Bed

by Fields, MJ

  “Trust me, I’m anything but. And you, of all people, should’ve learned by now that it’s all a façade. What people take away from my posts is their own perception, nothing more.”

  While I was relieved to know that our breakup had affected her some, that didn’t mean, for one second, that I was ready to celebrate her suffering. I’d come here to try to make things better, yet it seemed I was failing. Miserably.

  Unsure of what to say next, I blurted out, “I saw your post…about your purple hair. I have to say, Mady, I never thought I’d ever be this proud of someone. You never cease to amaze me, and I’m so unbelievably sorry for not doing enough to prove that to you.”

  “You were proud of me?” she whispered.

  I managed a nod.

  She was quiet for a moment and then cleared her throat, as if she had to remove the emotion before it clung to her words. “Well, if I’m being honest, my intentions weren’t in the right place to begin with. At first, I only wanted to post that to prove you wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how tiring it is to pretend not to struggle with certain things. And then after it was out there and the support started rolling in, I wished I had done that years ago.”

  “Whatever your reasons were, Mady, I’m just happy you did it.”

  “I wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for you. So I guess I should thank you.”

  “I just wish you would’ve been able to get there without me causing you pain. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  She shrugged, as if my hurting her wasn’t a big deal, even though we both knew that it was. “Everything happens for a reason, right?”

  “Yeah…I guess so.”

  Uncomfortable silence drifted between us for what felt like hours before she finally asked, “Is that why you stopped by? To tell me that you read my post?”

  I started to nod, but then I stopped myself and held her stare, deciding that if this was the only opportunity I’d get to talk to her, then I’d better say everything I needed to. “No, actually. I’m sorry, Mady…for everything. I fucked up, and I want another chance to prove to you that I’m not that person.”

  “But you are, Finn. I told you from the very beginning that I don’t want to be with someone who’s jealous or controlling. That’s a hard limit for me. And still, you didn’t consider my feelings at all when you allowed your jealousy to come between us. Not to mention, even after we talked about you overstepping in my business dealings, you once again went behind my back and shared your concerns about Mickey with my mom. How could you do that?”

  I about fell to my knees at the sight of tears lining her eyes, making them shine like gold beneath a river’s surface. “If I could take all that back, I would. Losing you was enough to teach me so many things about myself, and I swear, if I’m allowed a second chance with you, I’ll never give you a single reason to leave me again.”

  She shook her head, breaking my heart all over again. “I can’t. I’m really sorry, but I just can’t do that. These last few weeks have been hard enough; if I let you back in and it all falls apart again, I’d never survive.”

  “Then how am I supposed to prove to you that I’m not the asshole you think I am?”

  “I don’t know, Finn,” she whispered with a half-shrug. “I honestly don’t, because I never thought you were an asshole. I just think you have major trust issues—not in the typical sense, though. It’s like you refuse to believe that someone can love you. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop or the bubble to pop, all because you don’t trust that it won’t.”

  “I believe that someone can love me,” I argued.

  “Oh, yeah?” She cocked her head to the side and leaned against the doorframe. “Then how come you couldn’t accept it from me?”

  I must’ve stood there for an eternity, sorting out every possible meaning for her words in my head, because there was no way she was telling me that she loved me—or loved, as in past tense. If that was, in fact, what she was trying to say, then I was even more confused as to why she wouldn’t give me a chance to prove to her that I’d learned my lesson.

  “See? Even now, you can’t trust it. I’m literally standing in front of you, telling you that I love you, and you don’t believe me. How exactly do you think you’ll be any different if we get back together? It’ll always be the same song and dance. You’ll never be able to see yourself as anything other than the chubby nerd who can’t get the girl, and you’ll always see me as someone who can walk into a room and get any guy she wants. But what you fail to understand is that you had me. I was yours. You were the only one I wanted, Finn. The only one.”

  I had to admit that I’d never had someone tell me they loved me while, in the same breath, go into a full-blown lecture about all the reasons we couldn’t be together. I stood there and intently listened to everything she had to say, letting each valid point wash over me like a new beginning.

  “You’ve said, multiple times, that you know you’re not my type.” She batted her lashes, as if fighting back tears that threatened to break free. “And in a way, you’re right. Prior to you, I’d always gone after the GQ-type, the gym rats, the ones who look like they belong in an Abercrombie ad. But that doesn’t mean you’re not my type. If anything, they aren’t. I just didn’t know how blind I was until you showed me the difference. So no, had I met you in a bar or club or on the street, I probably wouldn’t have given you the time of day. But I can assure you that I would’ve missed out on the one perfectly imperfect guy meant for me.”

  “I fucked it all up, didn’t I?”

  Mady sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and toyed with it for a moment. “I think we both did, Finn. It wasn’t all you. We both played a part in it.”

  “So where do we go from here?”

  With a long sigh, she said, “I honestly don’t know. My only wish for you is that you figure out a way to let people in. Otherwise, some lucky girl is going to miss out on the best thing that could ever happen to her.”

  That was all I needed to hear—she was over it, unwilling to give us another shot. And there wasn’t anything I could think of to change her mind. Her face and stance showed her determination, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do, other than turn around and walk away.

  So that’s what I did.

  * * *

  It took another week of wallowing before I gave myself a swift kick in the ass and decided to make one more attempt to get my girl back. I couldn’t imagine a life without Mady Russo in it. Period. She was it for me. No one else.

  There was something in her eyes when I’d left her front porch, it was the same emotion I’d seen when I’d left her house a month ago. And I wanted to believe it was disappointment—disappointment that I hadn’t stayed and fought harder. Because I hadn’t fought for her or us. I’d spent a lot of time working on myself, doing some overdo soul searching, and I’d managed to come to terms with a lot of things. Yet I had still let her go. Without a fight. And I wasn’t a quitter.

  I also knew something else…

  If this didn’t work, then nothing would.

  Standing in my bathroom, in front of the mirror, I studied my reflection. This would either turn out to be the best idea I’d ever come up with, or it would blow up in my face. Only time would tell, but I couldn’t think of any better way to go down fighting.

  Once I had my hair the way I wanted it, and I’d thoroughly combed my beard until it no longer looked like messy spaghetti on my chin, I left the bathroom to grab my phone. The next step was to take a picture. But before I made it to my room, the doorbell rang. I didn’t want to answer it, not until I finished what I’d started, except it rang again and again in quick succession, leaving me with no choice but to temporarily abandon the selfie.

  I clenched my teeth as I opened the door, and then my mouth went slack at the sight of her. My knees grew weak and threatened to buckle, my heart beating so harshly that I was convinced it’d jump right out of my chest. And my eyes blinked ra
pidly as I tried to ensure I wasn’t seeing things. All I could manage was a deep, hoarse, “Mady.”

  “Finn!” She gasped and covered her mouth with her fingers, her eyes wide with surprise. “What the fuck did you do to your hair?”

  That’s when doubt began to set in. But I squared my shoulders and offered a sincere smile, holding tightly to the confidence I’d always had and the insecurities she’d showed me the way to overcome. “What can I say…you inspired me. Do you like it?”

  “Like it?” She fought against the slight curl of her lips. “It’s bright, I’ll give you that!”

  “Yeah, it is. Your post was very moving, so I wanted to show my support.”

  “Coloring your hair purple wasn’t enough? You had to color your beard, too?” She stepped forward and touched my cheek. “I can’t believe you did this.”

  Yeah, neither could I. But she was worth it. I’d do whatever it took, march to the ends of the earth, if it would prove my love and trust in her.

  But I pushed those thoughts aside and asked, “Do you want to come in?”

  I couldn’t comprehend why she was at my door. Things hadn’t ended well during my visit a week ago, so the only thing I could think of as to why she’d come here was because she’d thought of something else to say. Well, I could take it. And this time, I’d hold my ground and fight for her.

  “Uh, yeah. Sure.” It was obvious she was still shocked by my choice in hair color, but at least she slipped by me and came inside.

  I led her to the living room and waited until she took a seat on the couch before saying, “I have to admit, Mady, you were the last person I expected to find standing on my front porch. But it was certainly a nice surprise.”

  “Well…Molly—my new assistant—is setting up a legal file for me, and we can’t find the contract for the Urban Wear campaign. Since you’re the one who set it up and dealt with that side of things, I was hoping you had it or at least know where it is.”

  Of course, she hadn’t come for me.

  But that didn’t mean I’d let her leave without hearing me out.

  “They had sent it all via email, so I can either send the final document to you or print out a hard copy, whichever you prefer.” I cleared my throat and turned to face her more. “You could’ve just called. You didn’t have to drive all the way out here for that.”

  I’d hoped that by calling her out on it, she’d admit that she had actually used it as an excuse to come and see me.

  Unfortunately, that didn’t work. “I did call you. Several times, in fact. When I couldn’t get ahold of you, I decided I’d pop by to see if you were home since I was down the street at Starbucks.”

  “You called this morning?”

  Confusion darkened her eyes. “Yeah.”

  Then it dawned on me—I’d left my phone in my room. “Oh, I must’ve been dying my hair or taking a shower. I’m sorry I made you waste your time by driving here for nothing…unless you want me to print out the contract while you’re here.”

  “It doesn’t matter, just as long as you can get it to me for the file.”

  “Of course.”

  “Thanks, Finn. I really appreciate that.”

  Before she had a chance to stand, I slid off the cushion and onto my knees, where I maneuvered my way between her legs and silenced her with my hands on her thighs. “I can’t let you leave until you hear me out.”

  A thin smile stretched her lips. “I’m sorry, but I’m having such a hard time taking you seriously right now. That purple beard…”

  “Yeah? Does that mean you like it? You never answered me earlier.”

  She scratched her nails through the hair along my jawline, and her touch almost did me in; it had been so long. “It’s…different, that’s for sure. I still can’t believe you did this, but more importantly, I’m still not sure why.”

  “I told you—to show my support.”

  “Yeah, but exactly how were you planning to do that?”

  I realized I hadn’t explained my plan at all when she’d first shown up. And now that I had her attention, it was the perfect time to lay it all out there for her. “Well, I was going to post a picture and use your hashtag. The caption would say something along the lines of…how you’re the strongest, bravest, most amazing person I’ve ever met, and how I’ve learned so much from you in such a short amount of time. I’d then go on to say that I’d do anything to get just one more day with you—one more hour, one more minute. Because I’m so in love with you, and I won’t be able to rest until I’ve had a chance to show you just how much you mean to me.”

  Tears formed in her eyes, and her lips trembled.

  “Finn, I…” She shook her head.

  And my heart stopped beating.

  Twenty-One

  Mady

  My lungs felt weak as I attempted to breathe. Nerves ate away at my stomach and almost made me lose my breakfast. But no matter how badly I wanted to get up and run, I couldn’t ignore the intensity in his stare.

  Finn Kelly had just told me he loved me.

  And there wasn’t a single cell in my body that doubted it.

  “Please…just hear me out,” he begged, using his voice, his eyes, even his touch.

  I cupped his cheek and took a deep breath—not only to steady my words but also to hold back the tears that stabbed the backs of my eyes. “No, Finn. I don’t need to hear you out; you don’t have to say anything else.”

  “Yes, I do, Mady I didn’t fight for you before, but I’m not letting you go this time.”

  The fear that was etched in his brow, as well as the pain that left his lips quavering behind his facial hair, clued me in to the fact that he expected me to reject him. That alone broke the dam, and tears welled in my eyes, practically blinding me. Then he melted my heart when he reached up and stroked my damp cheek with the pad of his thumb, reminding me how caring he truly was.

  “Mads, please. I’m not going to promise everything will be perfect, because that’s not real life. This is—you and me, working through things that matter, together. Things that are worth fighting for. Things that I never even knew existed before you.”

  I was filled with so much emotion that I couldn’t speak. It clogged my throat and swelled in my chest. All that was left to do was sit there and listen to him plead his case—even though he didn’t have to. I’d already made the decision that I couldn’t live without him. But his words were icing on the cake that I’d waited to dive into for the last month. My friends and I had devised a plan and it had worked. Despite being away from him for a month, I’d grown stronger and looked within. I’d come to the conclusion that Finn was meant for me and we were supposed to be together.

  “These last four weeks have proven to me that life without you is dark and gloomy. I miss the sparkle you bring everywhere you go. The reassurance you give me with just a glance or small touch. You’re so good for me, more than you realize. And all I want is a chance to be good for you, too. To fight for you, for us.”

  He took my hands in his, and I never wanted him to let me go.

  “I realize we weren’t together for very long, but I don’t believe there’s a time limit on this kind of thing. And I know this, because it only took one second without you to utterly break my heart. I love you, Mady Russo. You make me want to be a better person. You drive me to become braver and trust more than I ever have. In such a short amount of time, you’ve helped me break free from so many of the chains I’d been imprisoned by thanks to a lifetime of insecurities. And I just know that if you can offer a tiny bit of patience with me, I can be free from them all.”

  “Finn…” Tears now streamed down my face, dripping off my trembling chin, and soaking my shirt. There was no use trying to hold them back, and it was a wasted effort to wipe them away. I’d spent weeks crying, yet this time was different. These weren’t tears of pain and sadness—they were filled with hope and relief. “You really didn’t have to go into all of that.”

  With a heavy sigh, he d
ropped his head forward, his shoulders slumped.

  “But I’m glad you did.” I smiled at the sight of his bright, hopeful stare, and pulled one hand free to touch his face again. “All I ever wanted was for you to see yourself the way I do. You’re confident in who you are, what you can do, what you can offer. But when it comes to what you deserve, you shut it down before you ever have the chance to enjoy it.”

  “I know…I get that now. I just hate that it might’ve come to me a little too late.”

  I’d prided myself on being a strong, mostly independent woman. And one of my personal rules for myself was to be wary of second chances. It wasn’t that I didn’t offer them, but if the odds weren’t in my favor, I wouldn’t waste my time. However, it was clear as day that Finn deserved a second chance—no, I did. I deserved another opportunity for the love he offered, the support he showed without question, and the protectiveness he gave, even when I didn’t want it. So no, this wasn’t for him.

  This was for me.

  For us.

  I pulled his face closer and pressed my forehead to his. “I love you, Finn,” I whispered against his lips.

  But a split second before we kissed, he asked, “Does this mean dying my hair worked?”

  I giggled and let him claim his mouth—as well as my heart and soul.

  * * *

  “Ma, I’ve got to go,” I said as I tried for the umpteenth time to get her from the kitchen to the front door. I was already running late, and if she didn’t leave my house now, I’d make it to girls’ night just in time to tell them goodbye in the parking lot.

  “You know, Madelynn, it’s rude to invite someone over and then kick them out.”

  I gawked at her, blinking rapidly. “I didn’t invite you. You showed up unannounced.”

  She waved me off while slowly making her way to the door. “Technically, you asked me if I wanted to come inside.”