The Stainless Steel Rat is Born

by Harry Harrison

  "Make do, young lady, make do. How does one my age make do on deck when the chill mists of night descend?" The Bishop's anger was under control, barely, but her bright smile seemed to be unaware of it.

  "I'm sure that you will find a way," she said. "Now I would like to stop at the next town we come to, that one there. I left in such a hurry I forgot all my things. Clothes and makeup, you know."

  "You wouldn't need a bit of money to buy those things?" I asked facetiously. She ignored my feeble humor and nodded.

  "Another thousand will do. "

  "I'm going below," The Bishop said, and did not emerge again until I had tied up and she was gone. He carried two beers and I took one and drank deep. "Murder is out," he said firmly.

  "Murder is out," I agreed. "But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy thinking about it. What do we do?"

  "We don't just heave anchor and go. She'll have the police after us in minutes, then will pocket the reward. We must take that into consideration, then think faster than she can. Coming with us was an impulse, obviously. She is greedy for money and we must keep giving it to her. But sooner or later she will decide that she has had enough of ours and will turn us in for the reward. Is there such a thing as a map aboard?"

  That mighty brain was at work, I could tell that. I asked no questions but rooted out the map as quickly as I could. He traced it with his finger.

  "We are here, I imagine, yes, here is the very place. While downstream, here, is the bustling city of Val's Halla. When will we get there?"

  I squinted at the scale and marked the distance with my thumb. "Could be there by midafternoon tomorrow, if we get an early start. "

  His face broke into a smile so wide that his eyes were crinkled half shut. "Splendid, absolutely splendid. That will do very nicely indeed."

  "What will?"

  "My plans. Which I shall keep to myself for the moment since there are details still to be worked out. When she returns you must agree with me, whatever I say; that is all you have to do. Now, next order of business. Where do we sleep tonight?"

  "On the river's bank," I said, heading below. "Our friend has all the money that I was carrying, so I must get more from our stock. Then I'm going ashore to buy a tent, sleeping bags, all the gear for comfortable camping out." "Capital. I shall man the fort and hone my plans until you return."

  I bought some steaks too, along with a collection of fancy bottles of wine. We needed a major change from the MacSwineys cuisine. When the sun was close to the horizon I tied the boat to the trees on the banks of a green meadow, where we could pitch our tent. The Bishop, after smacking his lips over the meat, announced that he would prepare dinner. While he did this, and Beth did her nails, I hammered stakes and got our beds ready. The sun was a ball of orange on the horizon when we tucked into the meal. It was tremendous. No one talked until we were done. When the last morsel was gone The Bishop sighed, raised his glass and sipped, then sighed with repletion.

  "Though I cooked it myself, I must say that meal was a triumph. "

  "It does take the taste of porcuswine out of the mouth," I agreed.

  "I didn't like the wine. Nasty." Only her outline was visible in the darkness. Lacking the usual glorious physical accompaniment her voice, as well as her words, left a very lot to be desired. Yet The Bishop's deep basso was free of rancor when he spoke again.

  "Beth-I may call you Beth, mayn't I? Thank you. Beth, we shall be in the city of Val's Halla tomorrow, where I must go ashore and call into my bank. Our funds are running low. You wouldn't like our money to run out, would you?"

  "No, I wouldn't."

  "Thought not. But would you like me to go to the bank and bring you back one-hundred thousand bucks in small buck bills?"

  I heard her gasp. Then she fumbled for the switch and the riding lights above the cockpit came on. She was frowning at The Bishop and, for the very first time, lost her cool.

  "Are you trying to play games with me, old man?"

  "Not at all, young lady. l am simply paying for our safety. You know certain facts that are, shall we say, best left unspoken aloud. I think that sum is a reasonable amount to pay for your continuing silence. Don't you?"

  She hesitated-then burst out laughing. "I sure do. Just let me see the color of those bucks and I may even consider letting you boys continue your journey without poor little me."

  "Whatever you say, my dear, whatever you say." Nor would he speak another word on. the subject. We retired soon after that, for it had been a busy day for all of us. Beth took possession of the boat and we had the tent. When I returned from setting the alarms to make sure that the boat would still be there in the morning. The Bishop was already in full snore. Before I slept myself I realized that, whatever he was planning, we had at least one more day of freedom before Beth would think of contacting the police. The lure of that money would ensure her silence. As I dozed off I realized that The Bishop had undoubtedly planned it that way.

  We were humming down the river an hour after dawn, despite Beth's protests. She emerged later, but her anger soon vanished beneath The Bishop's monetary ministrations. He described the interest her invested bucks could earn without her spending any of her capital, touched lightly on the consumer goods she would soon purchase, and generally charmed her like a snake with a rabbit. I had no idea what his plans were but I enjoyed every moment of it.

  By midafternoon I had tied up at the manna on the canal that bisected Val's Halla. The city center was close to hand and The Bishop, beard combed and moustache twirled, was neatly turned out and businesslike.

  "This will not take long," he said, then left. Beth looked after him, already atwitch with anticipation.

  "He's really the one they call The Bishop," she said when he had gone.

  "I wouldn't know about that."

  "Don't give me that old booshwah. I saw the films on 3V, how somebody got him out. A small guy with a moustache. It had to be you."

  "Lot of moustaches in this world."

  "I never thought, when I saw you around the school, you would ever end up like this."

  "I thought the same about you. I admired you from afar."

  "So did every other pubescent boy in the school. Don't think I didn't know it. We used to laugh about it, him being a teacher and all that. . . ."

  She shut up and glowered at me and I smiled sweetly and went below to wash the dinner and breakfast dishes that she had so carefully ignored, I was just finishing up when there was a hail from the shore. "Boat ahoy! Permission to come aboard?"

  The Bishop stood on the dockside, beaming and splendid, His new suit must have cost a small fortune. The suitcase that he held up appeared to be made of real animal skin of some kind, with fittings of glowing gold. Beth's eyes were as wide as saucers. The Bishop climbed aboard and treated us to a conspiratorial wink.

  "Best to get below before I show you what's in this case. It is not for the world to see."

  Beth led the way and he held the case to his chest until I had closed and locked the door. Then he swept the papers from the table to the deck, placed the case in its center, and with tantalizing precision unlocked and opened the case.

  Even I was impressed. There was far more than the hundred-thousand here. Beth stared at it-then reached out and tugged a bundle of thousand buck bills free. "Real? Is it real?" she asked.

  "Guaranteed right from the mint. I saw to that myself." With her attention on the money he turned to me. "Now, Jim, would you mind doing me a favor? Would you find some rope or twine. I'm sure that you will know what you will need. I want absolute silence as well when you tie this girl up so she cannot move."

  I was expecting something-she was not. Her mouth was just opening to scream when I seized that precious neck and pressed hard just below the ears.

  With savage glee I cut one of the blankets into strips and bound those delicate wrists and trim ankles. I was just putting sticking tape over her mouth when she came to and tried to scream. It came out as a muffled mewl. "Can she breathe
all right like that?" The Bishop asked.

  "Perfectly. See the glare in her eye and the angry heaving of that magnificent chest? She is breathing through her nostrils just fine. Now-will you tell me what this is all about?"

  "On deck, if you please."

  He waited until the door was closed behind us before he spoke, rubbing his hands together with joy.

  "Our troubles are over, my boy. I knew that as soon as I looked at the map. There are two things about this fine city that assure me of that. One was the bank, a branch of Galactic Trust with which I have an account-sizeable as you have seen. The second fact of interest is that there is a spaceport here."

  I puzzled over this for a few seconds as my sluggish brain slowly added two and two. Then my jaw gaped so hard I could barely speak.

  "You mean that, us, we . . . we are going off-planet?"

  He nodded and grinned. "Precisely. This little world has become, shall we say, a little too warm for us. It will be even warmer when our female friend is freed. By that time we shall have shaken the dust of Bit 0' Heaven from our boots and we will be light-years away. You did tell me that you wanted to travel?"

  "I did, of course, but aren't there controls, inspections, police, things like that?"

  "There are. But customs and immigration can be circumvented if you know how. I know how. And I did check on which ships were here before taking this drastic step. I am sorry that I had no opportunity to warn you- but I was certain that your magnificent reflexes would resolve the matter with ease. When I left here I did not know that this would be the day to put the plan into operation. I intended just to get the money to string the girl along. While keeping track of spacer operations. But the fates are on our side. There is a freighter here from Venia taking on cargo-and leaving in the early hours of the morning. Isn't that wonderful!"

  "I'm sure that it is. But I would be a lot surer if I knew why."

  "Jim, your education has been sorely neglected. I thought every schoolboy knew how venal the Venians were. They are the despair of the League polimetricians. Incorrigible. The motto on Venia is La regloj ciam sansiligas. Which may be freely translated as There are no Fixed Rules. That is to say, there are laws about everything- but bribery can change anything. It is not so much that they are a world of criminals, but rather a planet of twisters. "

  "Sounds nice," I agreed. "Then what have you arranged?"

  "Nothing yet. But I am positive that opportunity will arrive at the spaceport. "

  "Yes, sure." I was far from enthusiastic. The plan had all the earmarks of improvisation and crossed fingers. But I had little choice. "What about the girl?"

  "Well leave a message for the police with the electronic post, to be delivered after we are gone. Telling them the place where she can be found."

  "That place can't be here-too public. There is an automated marina farther downstream. I could tie up there, one of the outer berths. "

  "The perfect solution. If you will give me instructions how to find it I will hie myself to the spaceport to make the arrangements. Shall we meet there at 2300 hours?"

  "Fine by me. "

  I watched his impressive form move off in the growing darkness, then started the engine and made a slow turn in the canal. It was dark by the time I reached the marina. But it was brightly lit and the channel was well marked. Most of the boats had tied up close to shore, which was fine by me. I took the outermost berth, well away from the others. Then went below, turned on the lights, and faced the poisonous glare from those lovely eyes. I locked the cabin door behind me, then sat down on the bunk across from Beth.

  "I want to talk to you. If I take off the tape do you promise not to scream? We are well away from the city and there is no one here to hear you in any case. Deal?" The hatred was still there as she nodded reluctantly. I peeled off the tape-then jerked my fingers away just in time as those perfect teeth snapped at my hand.

  "I could kill you, murder you, butcher you, slaughter you..."

  "Enough," I said. "I'm the one who could do all those things, not you. So shut up."

  She shut. Perhaps realizing what her-position really was; there was more fear than anger in her eyes now. I didn't want to terrorize a helpless girl-but the murder talk had been her idea. She was ready to listen.

  "You can't be comfortable. So lie still while I untie you."

  She waited until her wrists were free, then raked her nails towards my face while I was untying her ankles. I had expected this, so she ended up back on the bunk with the breath knocked out of her.

  "Act reasonable," I told her. "You can be tied and gagged again just as easily. And please don't forget that you brought this on yourself. "

  "You are a criminal, a thief. Wait until the police get their hands on you. . . ."

  "And you are a blackmailer. Can we stop the names and games now? Here is what is going to happen. We are going to leave you on this boat and when we are well away the police will be told where to find you. I'm sure that you will tell them a good story. There are express linears from here, as well as the highways. You'll never see us again, nor will they. " A little misdirection never hurt.

  "I'm thirsty."

  "I'll get you something. "

  Of course she made a break for the door when I had my back turned, then tried for my eyes again when I pulled her away. I could understand her feelings-1 just wished that she wouldn't.

  Time dragged very slowly after that. She had nothing to say that I wanted to hear-and the reverse was obviously true as well. Hours passed in this way before the boat rocked as someone stepped aboard. I dived towards the bunk but she got out one good scream before I could silence her. The door handle rattled and turned. "Who is it?" I called out, crouched and ready for battle.

  "Not a stranger, I assure you," the familiar voice said. I unlocked and opened the door with a feeling of great relief.

  "Can she hear me?" he asked, looking at the silent figure on the bunk.

  "Possibly. Let me secure her again and we'll go on deck."

  He went ahead of me and as I closed the door a sudden flare of light lit up the night sky, then climbed in a burning arc up to the zenith,

  "A good omen," The Bishop said. "A deep spacer. All is arranged. And time is of the essence, so I suggest that we grab up our things and leave at once."

  "Transportation?"

  "A rented groundcar."

  "Can it be traced?"

  "I hope so. The rental return is located at the linear station. I've purchased tickets, for both of us you will be happy to hear. "

  "I mentioned linears to our friend inside. "

  "Two great minds that work as one. I think I shall manage to drop the tickets where she can see them while we are packing."

  We were in and out quite quickly-and I did enjoy the way the unmistakable blue linear tickets dropped on the blankets for an instant. Fell from his pocket while both his hands were engaged elsewhere. Masterful! As I closed the door I could not resist the temptation to blow a kiss towards Beth. I received a glower and a muffled snarl in return, which I surely deserved. She still had a few thousand of our money so she should not complain.

  After turning in the groundcar we took the levitrain to the linear station. Where we waited until we were alone and unobserved before continuing on to the spaceport. Up until this moment it had been all rush and plan and the reality of what I was doing struck home only when I saw the floodlit flank of a deep spacer looming up ahead.

  I was going off-planet! It is one thing to watch the space operas-but another thing completely to venture into space. I felt the goosebumps swell on my arm, the hair stir on my neck. This new life was going to be a-good one!

  "Into the bar," The Bishop ordered. "Our man is already here!"

  A thin man in grease-stained spacer gear was just leaving, but dropped back into the booth when he saw The Bishop.

  "Vi estas malfrua!" he said angrily.

  "Vere-sed me havas la monon," The Bishop answered, flashing a large wad of bills wh
ich soothed the other immeasurably. The money changed hands, and after some more conversation another bundle of bills went the way of the first. Greed satisfied, the spaceman led the way to a service van and we climbed into the back. The door was slammed and in the darkness we sped off.

  What an adventure! Unseen vehicles passed us, then there were strange hammering sounds that came and went, followed by a loud hissing like a giant serpent. We stopped soon after this and our guide came around and opened the rear door. I stepped out first and found myself at the foot of a ramp leading up into what could only be the battered hull of a deep spacer.

  Next to the ramp stood an armed guard, staring at me.

  It was all over, the adventure ended before it even began. What could I do? Run, no I couldn't leave The Bishop. He pushed past me while I was still rushing about in circles inside my head, strolled casually over to the guard.

  And passed him a wad of bills.

  The guard was still counting them when we hurried up the ramp behind our bribed spaceman, struggling to stay close with all the baggage we carried.

  "Eniru, rapide!" the spaceman ordered, opening the door of a compartment. We pushed through into the darkness as the door closed and locked behind us.

  "Safe harbor!" The Bishop sighed with relief as he fumbled at the wall until he found the switch, and the lights came on. We were in a small, cramped cabin. There were two narrow bunks and an even smaller bathroom beyond. Pretty grim.

  "Home sweet home," The Bishop said, smiling benevolently as he looked around. "We'll have to stay in here at least two days. So let us stow our gear well out of sight. Otherwise the captain will threaten to return and the bribe will be higher. I'm sure we can last it out."

  "I'm not sure I understand all of that. Haven't you paid the bribe already?"

  "Only the first installments. Bribes are never shared, that is your first lesson in the gentle art. The spaceman got paid to sneak us aboard, and arranged that a friendly guard would be there to take his cut. Those arrangements are in the past. Our presence aboard this ship is unknown to the officers-and particularly the captain who will need a very large payment indeed. You will see. "