Here and Now

by Constance O'Day-Flannery

  “But I can hear a ‘but’ coming,” she said with a smile.

  How he wanted to take her in his arms, yet he knew it would only be selfish. “But I still must leave this place.”

  “I’ll go with you,” she said impulsively. “We could make a new beginning somewhere else.”

  His heart felt like it was breaking apart and he slowly shook his head. “I have to do this alone.”

  She stared into his eyes and he could tell she wanted to say more. Instead, she nodded and murmured, “We should get back to the house. This is the first time I’ve left Matty with a baby-sitter.”

  He started to put his arm around her and she pulled away. He was startled for just a moment and then he recognized her hurt expression. How could he tell her the truth?

  In the car on the way back to her house, Charlie tried several times to speak with her, but she only muttered one-word answers and he was grateful when they pulled into the driveway. She immediately opened the door and he watched as she walked onto the porch and entered the house. He turned off the ignition and stared at the small place Suzanne now called home. What had he really won today? An admittance of betrayal? Why didn’t it feel better? He would be a wealthy man, able to do whatever he wanted. But what he wanted was Suzanne, and he couldn’t have Suzanne without Matty.

  He ran his fingers over his face as he accepted his shame. He loved the lad, yet he couldn’t stop thinking of him as being a part of Mitch Davies. Everything Suzanne had told him, everything he had read about chromosomes and DNA proved that Matty was related to Mitch. How could he hope to raise the child and not resent him? Matty didn’t deserve that. He was the innocent in all this, yet the shame of what he was feeling washed over him. He didn’t trust himself to be a good father to the child. What if as Matty grew and, like all children, misbehaved? In his heart, would he see Mitch or Kevin?

  He knew it was unfair, even shameful, yet he couldn’t deny the fear inside of him every time he thought about a future with Suzanne and Matty. He had to leave, to sort this out away from them.

  Turning the key in the ignition, he shifted the car into reverse and backed out of the driveway. Maybe there was a way.

  19

  She knew their time together was coming to a close. She could feel it in the air, in the tension between them. She felt hurt that he seemed able to leave her so easily, and yet at the same time she was almost protective of Charlie. Where would he go? What would he do?

  The days led into weeks as they waited for Laura and Kevin’s lawyer to negotiate the settlement and Charlie frequently went out at night. He never told her where he was going, but he also never came home slurring his Irish accent either. She was dying to know what he was doing and even got so paranoid as to think he might be seeing another woman. She kept telling herself it was none of her business. That he was free to do as he wished, and yet she was honest enough, at least with herself, to admit that her heart was breaking. Then she would tell herself that she knew from the beginning that he would leave and she had risked it all to be with him. It had been her choice and she had to be responsible for her choices… even if it led to heartbreak.

  “You’re lost in thought.”

  She turned from the sink and smiled. “I guess I was,” she whispered. Why did he have to melt her heart just by being there?

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.” What was there to say? He was leaving.

  Charlie leaned against the kitchen doorway and sighed. “You’ve been avoiding talking to me for almost two weeks now. What can I say to make you feel better?”

  “You don’t have to make me feel better, Charlie. That’s not your job. I… I guess I just have to work this out by myself. I mean, I know you’re leaving. I know there’s nothing I can say to stop that. It’s not like I’m asking for a commitment from you or anything.” Here she said she didn’t want to talk about it, and she was doing just that. Maybe it was time to put it out in the open, for she knew time now was of the essence.

  “Suzanne, I don’t know that I can be committed to anything right now, except myself. I know it must sound selfish to you, but something’s happened to me. I don’t know if I can explain it.”

  Putting water on to boil for tea, she said, “I’d appreciate it if you tried, Charlie. I don’t know, maybe I was setting myself up by… by feeling the way I do about you.” She glanced up at him. “I don’t make a habit out of jumping into bed with every time traveler that comes into my life.”

  Grinning in spite of the serious conversation, he pushed away from the wall and came into the kitchen. “I never thought you did,” he answered, taking out two cups and placing them on the counter. “You have to know the night we made love was magical to me, Suzanne. I will always treasure the memory.”

  “You didn’t really want to,” she murmured, placing the tea bags into the cups. “I guess I was the one who kept pushing it, even though I knew you might leave.”

  He placed his hand on her shoulder and it took every ounce of willpower not to lean back against his chest.

  “Listen to me,” he commanded. “You didn’t have to push anything. I wanted you more than you can ever imagine. I tried to stay away from you, knowing it wasn’t fair because I always knew I would be leaving. But I couldn’t resist you, Suzanne. Don’t ever think you had to push anything. I love you. You must know that.”

  She turned around and faced him. Trying desperately to keep the tears from her eyes, she whispered, “And I love you, Charlie. So why can’t we make this work? Why do you have to leave?”

  He tenderly pushed a curl behind her ear and smiled down to her. “You know how upset I was when I realized I lost everything, even my old life? Well, since then I’ve realized there’s great freedom in that. There are no attachments, nothing holding me. I always thought I needed roots and that’s what I was trying to do when I bought that land. Plant roots, dig in deep, and settle down. Then I would have the life I thought was my dream, but you know what I’ve found out since I’ve been here in this time?”

  “What?” she whispered, staring into his eyes, at his mouth, wanting him to take her into his arms.

  “Nothing is forever, Suzanne. Thinking there is anything that lasts forever is an illusion. Anything could happen, at any moment, to change it all. All that’s real is this moment, right here, right now. I don’t know about tomorrow. I only know that here and now I love you more than I thought possible. But I have to leave you and sort things out on my own. I can’t make any promises to you about a future, and I don’t want you living your life waiting for me. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’ll be doing. I just know, deep in my soul, I have to leave.”

  “You love me,” she whispered, sniffling back tears.

  “Of course I love you,” he said, pulling her into his arms. He kissed the top of her head and added, “I think I started to fall in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you by the water. The moment I looked into those beautiful bright eyes.”

  She wound her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest. “Love can last forever, Charlie.”

  He didn’t say anything for a long time, just continued to hold her and stroke her back. Finally he whispered, “What is forever? I don’t think I can answer that. But maybe you’re right. Maybe love is the only thing that can last.”

  The tea kettle whistled and Suzanne reluctantly pulled out of his arms just as the phone rang at the same time. “If you pour the water, I’ll get the phone,” she said, resenting the intrusion. How she just wanted to stay within his embrace.

  She picked up the receiver. “Hello?”

  It was Laura, who said she had an offer for Charlie. Holding the phone out to him, she said, “It’s for you. It’s Laura.”

  They switched places and Suzanne continued preparing their tea. She tried not to listen and placed both their cups on the table, along with a plate of cookies. Sliding onto a chair, she wrapped her hands around the warm cup and waited.
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br />   Within minutes, Charlie hung up the phone and stared at her.

  “What?”

  He shook his head in disbelief. “Laura said tomorrow she will bring a cashier’s check for sixteen million dollars!”

  “Oh, Charlie… that’s wonderful!”

  “So much money,” he muttered, dropping onto the opposite chair. “It’s hard to imagine it.”

  “I know,” Suzanne answered, reaching across the table to touch his hand. “But it was your land, Charlie. You deserve this.”

  “Sixteen million!” he repeated, still in shock.

  Suzanne shook her head. “Well, here we are, both of us wealthy, and both of us depressed about what our futures hold. What a sorry lot we are.”

  He stared into her eyes. “You were the one who said money can’t buy happiness.”

  “And it can’t, Charlie. I know that. I just think we ought to do something to get us out of this mood.”

  “To celebrate?”

  “Yes, to celebrate—that no matter what the future holds, here and now, in this moment, we’ve acknowledged we love each other. I say that’s worth rejoicing over.”

  “Can we be friends again, Suzanne?” His expression was almost pleading. “These last two weeks have been torture. I couldn’t stand it if I went away with you resenting me and—”

  “I never resented you,” she interrupted. “Maybe I resented the situation, whatever it is that’s keeping us from not being together. I won’t ask you to explain it further. It’s your business. Just go and do whatever it is you have to do. Maybe it’s just an act of faith on my part. Surrender to the unknown. I don’t know if we’ll always be lovers, but I do know we’ll always be friends.” She reached out her hand and he sighed as he placed his in hers.

  Once more they shook to their friendship, and Charlie said, “How was I ever so blessed that you should come into my life?”

  She laughed as she withdrew her hand. “Actually you came into my life, but I feel the same way.” Suddenly she became serious. “You know, we are blessed, and I guess you’re right. If we stay right here with love, health, friendship, we really are abundant and no amount of money can buy that.”

  “It’s hard to remember that when you’re struggling to make ends meet, though. I remember times when I didn’t know where my next meal would come from, and now here I am, about to be handed a cashier’s check for millions of dollars. I don’t feel any different.”

  “Don’t ever let it make a difference in who you are, Charlie. The man that came into my life without anything but the clothes on his back is a man worthy of being. Money won’t make you a better person. In fact, it easily corrupts if you aren’t careful.”

  “Mitch.”

  She nodded. “Kevin.” After a few moments of silence, she placed her elbows on the table and leaned forward. “So where are you going to take me to celebrate?”

  “Anywhere you desire, my love.”

  Charlie gave her that killer smile and it was difficult not to groan. But she had learned her lesson. He wanted freedom. And she found that she valued their friendship as much as their love, so she would be brave. She had made a choice to open her heart and love him, so all she could do now was allow it to break when he left. Yet she knew she’d live through it. She just wasn’t sure what was on the other side of it.

  “Dinner and dancing? I haven’t danced in years,” she said, picking up her cup of tea and sipping.

  “You? It’s been longer for me. Are you sure I won’t embarrass you on the dance floor?”

  “You would never embarrass me, Charlie. And I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than be in your arms while we danced.” She watched as he quickly inhaled, as though she was making it more difficult for him. Quickly she added, “I’ll have to call Mrs. Hailey to see when she’s available to babysit Matty.”

  “Then call, Suzanne. Let’s do this as soon as we can.”

  She didn’t need for him to tell her that he would be leaving within days. A part of her thought she could postpone his departure by saying she couldn’t get a baby-sitter until the end of the week, but she knew that was childish and she couldn’t be deceptive with him. Whatever they had, whatever this relationship was, it was too precious to her not to respect it. She simply had to believe that she could do it, that she could let him go when the time came. “I’ll call her now,” she said, sliding off the chair and walking to the phone.

  She made the call and was a bit disappointed when Mrs. Hailey said she could come the next night. When she hung up the phone, she turned to Charlie and said, “Well, dust off your dancing shoes, Mr. Garrity. We’re on for tomorrow night.”

  “Wonderful.” He picked up his cup of tea and held it up in a toast. “Let’s make tomorrow a night to remember.”

  She had to bite the inside of her cheek not to burst out crying.

  Standing in front of the mirror in her bedroom, Suzanne surveyed her appearance and was satisfied that she had done all she could. She was grateful that her little black dress had slid over her body, though her breasts certainly filled out the low-cut neckline far more than the last time she’d worn it. She couldn’t help but wonder what Charlie was going to think when he saw her in it. The creamy strand of pearls and stud earrings set off her hair nicely and she was thankful the curls seemed to frame her face, instead of sticking out in all directions. Glancing down to her black high heels, she felt like she was going out on her first date.

  Actually, it was her first date with Charlie. How odd that they had shared so much together, opened up about their lives and their disappointments, and this night was the first time they would be going out socially. First they became friends, true friends—and it was the friendship that mattered most to her. She didn’t know if they would ever again be more than lovers and, even though her heart tightened to think of never being intimate with him again, she knew she cared more that he found whatever it was he was seeking. How else would he ever be happy? And it jolted her to know she wanted his happiness more than she wanted her own.

  Maybe that was what unconditional love was about?

  She felt that for Matty, a love without any conditions. Was it possible to feel that for an adult? To love without wanting anything in return? She’d have to think about it later. Right now she needed to get downstairs, she thought, as she dropped her lipstick into her purse and turned away from the mirror. Tonight was a time to celebrate.

  Mrs. Hailey was talking to Charlie as she came into the kitchen. He stopped speaking and stared at her with a surprised expression.

  “Well, don’t you look just lovely,” Mrs. Hailey proclaimed, smiling broadly at her.

  Suzanne could feel a blush starting at her cheeks as she smiled. “Thank you.”

  “I agree,” Charlie quickly added with a grin of appreciation. “Suzanne, you’re beautiful.”

  Now that blush was spreading all over her face. “And may I say you look quite handsome yourself.” He really did look great, dressed in that tailored charcoal suit, white shirt and a burgundy striped tie. She quickly turned her attention to the baby-sitter. “Mrs. Hailey, there are two bottles of milk in the refrigerator. Matty will probably only drink the one, but I wanted to make sure you would be covered, just in case. He usually sleeps right through the night and I wrote the number of the restaurant on the wall calendar if you should need me, along with my cell phone number.”

  “Oh, we’ll be fine,” the older woman stated, as she walked them to the front of the house. “He’s a little angel.”

  Suzanne really did like the woman, who had raised six children of her own, yet she suddenly felt nervous about leaving Matty at night and going out to kick up her heels. What if something happened? What if the baby got sick, or—

  “Your coat, madam.”

  She smiled at Charlie, who was holding her black jacket open for her. “Thanks,” she murmured, slipping her arms into it. Everything would be all right. She and Charlie deserved this night together. For all she knew it might just b
e their last.

  Ferrini’s was an elegant Italian restaurant in Philadelphia. She hadn’t been there in years, yet she had remembered that it had great food, great atmosphere, and dancing. She’d made reservations in the morning, remembering that the place had reminded her of an old-fashioned nightclub.

  “Are you worried about Matty? Is that why you’re so quiet?” Charlie asked, as they drove toward Philadelphia.

  She looked at him driving so confidently through the traffic and grinned. “Actually, I was thinking about the place we’re going to tonight. I hope you like it.”

  “I’m with you. How could I not like it?”

  Good answer, she thought, unable to stop a wide grin as she continued to look at him. “I can’t help but think how comfortable you are driving now, Charlie. You’ve certainly become accustomed to this time in the last two months.”

  She watched as he smiled back at her.

  “I will say I do like driving these newer machines. It’s much easier, once I got over the speed difference.” Shaking his head, he chuckled. “What you must have thought of me that first day!”

  She joined his laughter. “Well, I found it hard to believe you didn’t know how to drive, especially since I was in labor and needing to get to the hospital. But you know what?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You came through. You were my hero, Charlie.”

  Staring out the front window, he sighed deeply and held out his hand to her. She took it and he squeezed it tightly.

  “Thank you for saying that, Suz. It means a lot to me.”

  She knew he was thinking about leaving and what she would think of him when he was gone. Deciding tonight they wouldn’t dwell on that subject, she said, “There’s a ramp coming up for the Betsy Ross Bridge. I’ll get the toll.”

  She began to open her purse when his hand rested on top of hers.