by Tania Sparks
I simply answer, “No.” and take the keys from him and jump into the car.
I glance back inside the hotel to see Nikki and Hansen moving quickly through the lobby towards me yelling out my name. I shove the keys into the ignition and put my foot down hard on the accelerator, fishtailing out of the driveway recklessly.
Chapter 24
I’ve been driving around in circles for almost two hours. It’s the only way I can stop the thoughts that are crashing around in my head from completely consuming me. My phone’s been ringing and beeping with texts constantly but I’ve ignored them all.
I’m exhausted and my vision’s clouded with tears. I know I need to stop soon before I have an accident, so I reluctantly pull into a fancy hotel on the other side of town. It’s then that I realise I’ve left my suitcase in Ash’s suite, all as I have is my handbag. I park my car and wipe my face with some tissues so I don’t look like a complete psycho. After I’ve handed over my keys to the valet, I walk up to the check-in counter and ask if I can have a room for the night. It’s almost two thirty in the morning, the person on duty looks at me sympathetically. “Long drive?” they ask.
“Yeah.” I reply meekly. I don’t really feel like conversing so I simply sign the slip, take my keys and go to my room. As soon as I get inside I flop down onto my stomach on the bed. The tears that had temporarily stopped start up again as I weep wretchedly, drenching the pillow.
After a while I decide to look at my phone. As expected, there are over a hundred missed calls and texts. I can see most of them are from Ash with one or two from the other band members. About an hour ago calls started coming in from Trixie too. I should have guessed that Nikki would let her know what’s going on. I ignore all of the calls and texts from Ash and flick through Trixie’s missed calls, she’s left a number of voicemail messages so I listen to each of them.
Hey Eve, it’s Trix. Nikki told me what happened, please call me. She sounds concerned.
Ten minutes later the next one came in. Hi Eve, please call me, I really need to see if you’re okay. Love ya.
Ten minutes later the next one. Eve, I’m worried about you, call me urgently – please!
The next message is only five minutes later and sounds desperate. Fuck Eve, just call me okay, I’m freaking out here.
I consider giving her a call, but before I do I listen to the last message she left. Right, I’m hoping on a plane. I’ll be landing at just before ten. I’ll call you when I get there and you had better bloody well answer your god-damned phone Eve.
The last call was over half an hour ago. She’s probably already on the plane and on her way here from LA. I call anyway, but it goes straight to voicemail as expected, so I leave her a message so she’ll get it when she lands.
Hey Trix, it’s me. I’ve checked into The Westin Jersey City and I’m in room 521. I’ll let the front desk know to expect you and give you a key. Please don’t tell anyone where I am. I’m devastated Trix and I really need you. Thanks so much for coming. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Bye.
After calling reception to let them know of Trixie’s arrival, I spend the next three or four hours lying on my back on the bed staring at the ceiling, I can’t seem to stop crying. Trixie should be arriving in the next hour or so and I feel and look like crap so I decide that I need a hot shower.
I walk into the bathroom, remove my clothes and turn the shower onto the hottest it can go. Once the water has heated up I step under the hot stream. It feels soothing, but nothing can relieve the ache I have in my heart. I dredge up the images in my mind of what I saw when I walked into Ash’s suite. Unfortunately that just causes me to sob more. How could I have thought that me and Ash were going to work? The first time I leave him alone for a few days this is what happens.
The hot water combined with my all-consuming grief drains the energy from my aching body. I feel completely depleted. I have nothing left to give. I am empty, very alone and overwhelmingly sad.
I remember from seven years ago what it was like to be deeply depressed and I can sense that dreaded numbness closing in on me once again. It feels as though a dark cloud is slowly encroaching on my consciousness.
My anguish consumes me as my mind and body both give way at the same time. As the world closes in, my legs buckle and I collapse to the floor. I shuffle myself to lean against one of the shower walls. I wrap my arms around my legs, rest my head on my knees and let the tears fall unhindered.
I don’t know how long I stay like that but the next thing I know Trixie’s bursting in through the bathroom door. “What the hell! Holy shit Eve!” She turns off the water that is now icy cold. I’m shivering and my fingers and lips are blue. She grabs one of the fluffy white towels and wraps it around me. She pulls me up and guides me towards the bed.
“Hey Trix.” I whisper.
“Eve, what have you done to yourself, you look like shit!” I can always trust Trixie to be straight up and tell me how it is! She pulls the duvet off the bed and wraps it around me. She kneels down in front of me and holds my hands. “Eve, are you okay?”
I scoff at her and answer truthfully, “No, I’m not okay Trix.”
I rest my head against hers as tears stream down my cheeks. I lift my head. “I was ridiculously happy about finally making the decision to be with him and I was so excited about our future together. But when I arrived to surprise him he was just about to fuck Beth! And he was stoned out of his mind. He’s a drug addict Trix! I doubt I ever really knew him properly at all.”
I flop down onto my back and stare at the ceiling. “Maybe I was right. Maybe our lives are just too different to make it work. I can’t cope with him screwing around and taking drugs. It’s just not something I can put up with. He’s a rock star for Christ’s sake. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking!”
I shake my head as I realise how stupid I’ve been. “Maybe everything I thought I knew from the past couple of weeks was a lie, complete and utter bullshit. So no I’m not okay! I’m heart-broken. I honestly don’t know if I can get through this again.”
Trixie lies down on the bed beside me and encases me in her arms. “Hell Eve, if that’s really what happened I’ll keep my promise to Ash. I told him that if he hurt you I’d remove his balls with a blunt knife and shove them down his throat. And believe me that’s exactly what I’d do. But Eve, I’ve spoken to Nikki. I think you might have misinterpreted some of what you thought you saw. You should really let Ash explain his side of the story.”
I stare at her in disbelief then yell, “Trixie, I walked in on him and Beth just about to do it! Then the guys all burst into the room do a fucking drug intervention. How the hell can I have misinterpreted those two things!”
“I don’t know Eve.” She sighs. “But I do know that Ash is going out of his fucking mind trying to find you. Nikki’s not too happy with me for not telling them where you are. Apparently Ash is a complete mess. The effect of the pills that Beth gave him have worn off and he desperately wants to talk to you. He’s going bat-shit crazy. He’s been trashing the hotel room and the guys are struggling to keep him under control.”
Her face changes from one of sympathy to one of reprimand as she scolds, “Also Eve, don’t you think you’re being a little judgemental about the whole drug thing. Nikki tells me they’ve all been clean for eight months. Besides, it’s a little hypocritical considering that you and me were no different a few years back.”
“That was completely different Trixie!”
“How Eve. How was it different?” She asks accusingly.
“We only did it on weekends when we went out clubbing. It wasn’t as if we were drug addicts. And when we had that problem, we quit straight away and neither of us has touched any drugs since.”
“Eve, listen to yourself. Our story is probably not that much different from Ash’s. You’re being a bit of a hypocrite. You really need to talk to him Eve. You at least owe him that much. If you talk to him and you still don’t think you can make it wo
rk, then at least you can say you tried.”
I’m just not ready to face him yet so I plead, “Don’t you dare tell him where I am Trixie. I just can’t handle seeing him.”
“Eve, you’re my best friend, I’ll do whatever you want. But I honestly think you’re making a huge mistake, you guys need to talk. You’re both going mental being apart. Just think about it.”
~~~
I spend the rest of that day and night bunkered down in the hotel room. I constantly cry and when I’m not crying I feel dead inside, I can’t sleep and I’m exhausted.
Trixie tries to look after me the best she can, but I’m not being very cooperative. I’ve barely left the confines of the bed, I’m sulky, won’t eat and won’t stop crying.
The next morning I’m lying in bed buried under the covers. Suddenly the blankets are ripped from me and Trixie demands, “Eve, you need to get the hell up. I’m not letting you slip into this depressed sorry state. You’re going to get up, have a shower and get dressed. When Ash left you seven years ago it took me almost two years to get you happy again. There’s no fucking way I’m letting you get away with that bullshit again. Get the hell up Eve!”
I grab the pillow and cover my face. “I don’t want to get up Trixie. Just let me wallow in my misery. Besides, I have no clothes, I left my suitcase in Ash’s apartment when I rushed off, so I guess I’ll just have to say in bed huh!”
“No way Eve, you get the hell up and in the shower. I’m going to go over to Ash’s hotel to pick up your suitcase. I’ll be back in an hour and you had better be the hell up and ready to get dressed.” She throws the covers down on the ground, grabs her handbag and stomps angrily out of the room.
After Trixie leaves, I throw the pillow I was holding onto the floor and sit up. I suppose I may as well go and have a shower. I feel like shit and I don’t want to have to listen to Trixie’s ranting and raving when she gets back. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that Trixie won’t let it slide, she’ll just keep on at me until I do what she says.
I have a shower and brush my teeth and hair. I put on one of the hotel bathrobes. At least I feel half decent now and not grubby. I sit down on the end of the bed and flick through some of the text messages that Ash has been sending. He really does sound like he desperately wants to talk to me. I dial into my voicemail and listen to some of his phone messages. It makes my heart ache. It sounds like he’s suffering as much as I am and I start to question my sensibility in not speaking to him, but I’m just not sure I can handle seeing him yet, the feelings of betrayal are still all too raw.
Trixie comes back dragging my suitcase behind her. “Thank god you’re up and showered Eve. I thought I might have to throw you into the shower myself. At least that saves me one shitty job.” She laughs.
She passes me my suitcase. I get dressed into some jeans and a tank top.
I can’t help myself, after listening to Ash’s voicemail messages and reading his texts, I really need to know how he is so I ask Trixie, “How is he Trix?”
“He’s really messed up Eve. I thought you were bad, but he’s an absolute basket case.”
Suddenly there’s a loud ruckus outside in the corridor. I can hear yelling and knocking. As it gets closer I can hear Ash bellowing out, “Angel, Angel, where are you, I need to see you Angel, I know you’re in one of these rooms somewhere.”
I can also hear the other guys trying to calm Ash down as they follow him.
Trixie looks at me apologetically, “Sorry Eve, he must have followed me.”
I hold my head in my hands unsure what to do. Ash is right here and he’s desperate to see me. I know I had said that I didn’t want to see him but now he’s here I feel an unexplainable pull to see him. Hearing him so upset is ripping at my heart.
Trixie’s standing by the door, her hand on the door handle. “What should I do?” she asks.
“God Trix, I don’t know if I can handle seeing him … but he sounds so desperate.”
“I told you he’s going bat-shit crazy. You should talk to him Eve.”
I know it’s my only option. If he carries on like a crazy person hotel security is going to cart him away. Not only that, but now he’s so close I really need to see him. I walk over to Trixie and remove her hand from the door handle. “I’ll do it Trix, I’ll open the door.”
Trixie gives me a warm hug. “You’re doing the right thing Eve.” She reassures me, stepping back and away.
I open the door and look down the corridor. Ash is about a dozen doors down, knocking and banging desperately yelling out my name. He looks like hell. He’s still wearing the same clothes he was wearing the last time I saw him, his hair is messy and flopping around his face and even from this distance I can see dark circles under his red eyes.
I step out into the corridor and quietly call out, “I’m here Ash”. He turns abruptly and for a few seconds just stares. Then he’s running at full speed down the corridor towards me. He collapses to his knees at my feet, his arms wrap around me and he clings strongly around my hips, his head rests on my stomach as tears drench my tank top.
“Angel, I’m so sorry, I promise I didn’t do anything. Please, please, please let me explain everything to you. I need you Angel, I can’t stand the thought of us being apart.” Tears are streaming down his face and he looks like hell.
I drop down to my knees and wrap my arms around him. Tears are streaming down my face too. “Ash, it almost killed me when I walked in and saw you with Beth.”
“I wasn’t with Beth.” He claims urgently. “I promise, I would never cheat on you Angel, she gave me some Vicodin. I didn’t even know what was going on. It was just me and Nikki sitting around having some beers. Beth had come in about half an hour before you showed up to go over some interview schedules. Nikki had only been out of the room for literally two minutes before you came in. I promise Angel, I never would have cheated. You’re the only one I want. Please believe me.”
“What about the drugs Ash?” I whisper, “Why didn’t you tell me that you’re a recovering addict?”
“I was ashamed Angel. When you knew me seven years ago I was an innocent boy who played guitar. Now I’m just some jaded rock star with a typical history of booze, drugs and women. I know you’re way too good for me, but I’m a selfish bastard. I want you anyway. If I told you about the drugs I might have scared you off. Believe me, I wanted to tell you, but I was terrified you’d run.”
“Ash, we need to be honest with each other. If we’re going to make this work, we need to have no secrets. Let’s go inside my room and talk.” I hold his face in my hands, “There’s things I need to tell you too.” I say solemnly.
“Are you saying we can still try to make this work Angel?” He gasps hopefully.
“I think we need to talk Ash. Let’s just go inside and I’ll tell you everything I haven’t told you before. You can tell me everything about you and we’ll see where we go from there.”
We rise to our feet and walk back into the hotel room hand in hand. “Thank you Angel. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to talk to you. I don’t think I could survive if you just threw me to the curb and left.”
Trixie is standing over with Nikki and the other guys. Her and Nikki are whispering to each other seriously. She looks up and catches my eye. I nod to her to let her know that I’ll be fine and that me and Ash are going to talk. She smiles warmly at me. Her and the guys make their way to the elevator and me and Ash go inside the hotel room to talk, closing the door behind us.
We sit down on the bed, legs crossed facing each other, holding each other’s hands, looking into each other’s eyes.
Ash starts talking first. “Angel, now you know about my previous drug problems, honestly you know everything. I’ve struggled with drugs for quite a few years. I’ve been in and out of rehab a few times. It’s so hard in the music industry not to get involved, they’re simply everywhere. But I promise, I’ve been clean now for eight months, apart from that Vicodin that Beth tricked me in
to taking, I haven’t touched anything. It’s so much easier now all the band have got clean at the same time. We make sure drugs don’t show up at any of our pre-concerts or after-parties and we have a strict no exceptions policy that works really well. But honestly Angel, it’s always just been a way of coping and blocking out the loneliness of being on the road. You might not believe me, but I’ve missed you every single day.”
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He removes an old tattered photograph. I look at it in astonishment, it’s a picture of me and him back in college. “Angel, I carry this with me everywhere, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t got it out and thought about you.”
Tears trickle down my face. Ash lifts his hand and gently wipes them away with his knuckles. “Ash, I really don’t know whether I should tell you this, but been as we’re being completely honest…”. I hesitate before continuing, “I have a scrap book at home, well half a dozen of them actually. I started the first one when you left to go on tour, when we were still together, but even after we split up, I couldn’t help myself. I’ve collected pictures and articles about you…it was my way of coping with you gone.” I look down shyly, I can’t believe I’m admitting this to him, “It’s kind of stalkerish isn’t it?” I ask hesitantly.
“No Angel, it’s not stalkerish…well, maybe just a little bit.” He laughs. I giggle along with him. “But it’s nice to know you thought about me as much as I thought about you.”
I scoot on over and sit across his lap placing my arms around his waist and squeezing him tightly.
“We can’t give up on us Angel.” He whispers. “This is just too right to give up. Please can we try again?”
“There’s something else I need to tell you first Ash. It’s only fair. You’ve told me everything so I need to tell you everything.”
