Where The Heart Lives

by Liu, Marjorie

She did not appear surprised to see Lucy, but merely said, “Good morning,” and walked into the house. The girl stared after her, perplexed. So much was odd about this place. Or perhaps Lucy was just odd herself. That did not bother her as much as it should. As much as it would have, not so long ago.

  The funeral took place that afternoon. Few people came, but one of them was Mr. Wiseman, hauling a coffin in the back of his wagon. Lucy did not feel any great pleasure in seeing him. He was a very real reminder of the world beyond the wood—a world that felt like a distant place—and the sight of his face made her stomach twist with dread.

  “I see the ghosts didn’t get you,” he said loudly, with that same sly smile.

  “Ghosts are for children,” said Miss Lindsay, coming up behind his wagon. She stood beside Lucy, and rested her hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Don’t you have something better to do with your time, Wilbur, than tease young girls?”

  Mr. Wiseman tipped his hat. “Helena, you’re still as handsome a woman as I’ve ever met. I don’t suppose your brother would consent to me courting you?”

  “I believe my brother would have very little say in the matter,” replied Miss Lindsay dryly, “nor would your wife be all that pleased with the arrangement.”

  His smile was all teeth. He tore his gaze from Miss Lindsay and looked at Lucy. “Got a message for you, girl. Your father’s come down with some kind of sickness. He wants you to come home straightaway to care for him.”

  Lucy stared. “He was fine when I left.”

  “But he’s not now. You’re to ride with me after I’m done here.”

  “No,” she said without thinking.

  Mr. Wiseman’s smile slipped. “Maybe you didn’t hear me.”

  “I heard you.” Lucy drew in a shaky breath, swept away by such hard emotions that she almost quivered with tension. “No, I won’t go.”

  “He’s your father.”

  Desperation rode over guilt. “I’m doing a job. He wouldn’t give up his place at the quarry for me. I know that. He told me often enough.”

  Mr. Wiseman’s jaw flexed. “You’ll do as you’re told, girl.”

  Miss Lindsay’s hand tightened on Lucy’s shoulder. “Wilbur. You and I will discuss this later.”

  “No time for that,” he snapped, eyes narrowed. “You been twisting this girl’s mind, making her turn from her family?”

  “I like working here,” Lucy told him, voice rising. “And my brothers are still at home. They don’t need me. They don’t even want me.”

  “Go on, now,” Miss Lindsay said to Mr. Wiseman, drawing Lucy away. “There are people waiting on that body.”

  He looked ready to argue, but it was true—there were mourners dressed all in black standing at the little cast-iron gate in front of the cemetery, and they were watching Mr. Wiseman with a question in their eyes. The old man grunted, giving Lucy a baleful glare.

  “You be packed by the time I get back,” he told her. “Or else I’ll take you as you are.”

  Lucy flinched. She saw Barnabus running toward them, and caught Mr. Wiseman staring at the young man. Something passed through his gaze, and he slammed the reins against his horses, jolting them into motion.

  “Coward,” Miss Lindsay murmured, but Lucy hardly heard her. All she could do was stare at Barnabus. He looked dangerous, furious—like he was ready to fight, something she had never imagined of him. He touched the small of her back, his mouth set in a grim line that only grew deeper, darker, as he gazed past her at the old man’s retreating wagon.

  And then he looked at her, and in his eyes, a question. Uncertainty.

  “If I go, I won’t be back,” Lucy said, speaking to them both, but looking at Barnabus. “I know it.”

  Knew it like the truth. Just as with those visions of the day previous, she could feel inside her head the future tumbling away into a dark cold place, and if she went with Mr. Wiseman, that would be her fate. Something lonely and awful. Like having her wings cut after a taste of flying.

  Miss Lindsay’s eyes flashed golden, and this time Lucy was certain it was not her imagination. “You want to stay here? You’re sure of it?”

  Lucy nodded, struggling with her fear. She knew it was terrible—she was terrible—and her father, her father would think she was just like her mother—but she did not care. She had to stay. Something would break inside her if she left this tiny world within the forest—this dangerous forest—this little place with these strange and wonderful people who made her felt safe and welcome. If her mother had felt this way, all those years ago, then Lucy could forgive her. She understood now, what could drive a woman to abandon all. She understood, and if it was selfish, then so be it. She would be selfish, and happy.

  “Barnabus,” said Miss Lindsay crisply, “take Lucy to the pond at the bottom of the hill. I’ll handle Wilbur. When he’s gone, I’ll come fetch you both.”

  “I’m sorry,” Lucy said, suddenly regretting the trouble she was causing the woman. “If you don’t want me -- ”

  “No.” Miss Lindsay brushed her fingers across the girl’s forehead. “You are no trouble to me or this family. This is your home.”

  And with that, she turned and strode away toward the cemetery, where Mr. Wiseman was helping the mourners unload the coffin. Barnabus tugged on Lucy’s hand. It took her a moment to follow; she kept hearing those words, seeing those golden eyes, and felt inside her a flush that could have been what Henry spoke of, that sense of running away. The grand adventure. Making a new world from the old. She was not married, but it felt the same: a union, in its own way.

  She and Barnabus crossed the meadow, chased by crows. They climbed a gentle slope through scattered oaks, and at the crest of the hill gazed down upon a body of still water, blue from the sky and filled with lily pads and brown ducks. The forest nudged the northern edge of the pond, but the sun chased back the shadows and the grass was tall and green.

  A rough dock jutted from the shore. Barnabus and Lucy sat at the end of it, careful of splinters, and dangled their feet in the water. After a short time, he reached over and held her hand.

  She liked that, and felt a stab of fear that she might have to give it up. But then she remembered Miss Lindsay’s calm strength and said, “They’re good people, aren’t they? Henry and Miss Lindsay. But they’re not…like other folk. Regular, I mean.” She had been about to say normal, but recalled Miss Lindsay’s feelings about that word.

  Barnabus nodded, squeezing her hand. He did not appear at all perturbed by her question or the implication, but rather, seemed comfortable with the truth: that Henry and Miss Lindsay were different, inexplicably so, and that it was natural. Like the wind or the moon. She liked that too.

  “How long have you lived here?” Lucy asked him, jumping slightly as fish nibbled on her toes.

  He spread out his fingers. Five, then two. Seven years.

  “And before that? Did you really live in the forest?”

  Barnabus shrugged, gazing past her at the dense tree line. His mouth moved, but not a sound emerged except the whistle of his breath. He looked, for a moment, frustrated—and Lucy wondered what it would be like to have no voice, to have a lifetime bottled up inside her without words or sound. She reached out, unthinking, and touched his lips with her fingers. She only meant to tell him it was all right, that he did not need to explain, but his face was so close and his eyes were so deep and blue, that she found herself leaning, leaning, until she felt the heat of his breath and her fingers slipped away, only to be replaced by her mouth.

  Lucy had never kissed a boy. His taste was sweet and hot—toe-curling, a delight. It frightened her, but not enough to give it up.

  It did not last. Lucy heard a weeping cry, and broke away, staring at the woods. She heard it again, a voice calling out, and it took her only a moment to find that pale feminine face, luminous in the rich green shadows of the forest. Lucy leapt to her feet and ran. She felt Barnabus behind her, but did not look back, afraid if she did the woman would disappe
ar.

  Mary. A crow shrieked above her head—an animal caw that sounded very human.

  She reached the edge of the forest just as Barnabus caught up with her. She thought she heard Henry shouting, but Mary was there—right in front of her—and the woman whispered, “Please, help me.”

  Lucy sucked in her breath—fighting for courage—and jammed her hands through the underbrush toward Mary. Barnabus grabbed her waist—another set of hands joined his, as well—but it was too late. Something took hold of her wrists, yanking hard—and the face in front of her changed. It stopped being Mary, and became instead a shadow, a gasp of night, like that slithering tendril of nothingness she had witnessed in her vision.

  Raw terror bucked through her body. She tried to pull back, fighting with all her strength. Whispers rose from the trees—all those voices she had almost forgotten, soaring into her head like a scream.

  Lucy was pulled into the forest.

  ***

  The first thing she noticed, when she could see again, was that the world around her seemed quite ordinary. She was in the forest, yes, but she had been inside forests before, and this was no different. The shadows were long and the canopy thick, and the twilight that filled the air was neither gloomy nor particularly menacing. It was simply dense—with vines of wild rose and new spurting growths of seedlings; poison ivy, ferns, tiny bowing cedars and those massive trunks of oak that spread fat like squatting giants all around her. She smelled the earth, something else—like rain—and the air was still and warm and humid.

  Lucy turned in one slow circle, trying to find the edge of the forest. She was close, she knew she should see Barnabus or Henry—at least hear voices—but even the birds did not sing, and all she could see was leaf and branch and shadow.

  “Hello?” she called out, thinking of that creature who had pulled her inside the wood. Fear clutched her throat, pounding against her heart, but she steadied herself, fought herself, and regained control. She thought of Mary, too. Trapped here for twenty years. She wondered if the same would happen to her.

  She heard something, and turned in time to see an immense pale figure part the gloom. A white stag. Tall and broad, with a deep chest and a long neck that glittered as though sprinkled with dew. Its hooves had been polished to the sheen of pearls, and its eyes glowed with a wild raging light. Tiny bells hung from its silver antlers, and the sounds they made were those same whispered voices Lucy had heard in her head—now louder, cries and sorrow ringing with every delicate knell.

  A woman sat upon the stag. She was divine: pale and slender, sparkling as though spun with stars and diamonds, her hair so long it almost swept the ground. A Snow Queen, with a manner that begged a bow. White furs and silks crisscrossed her high breasts, which were quite nearly exposed, though covered with faint lines of pale rose, curling like poems and wings upon the skin below her throat.

  She held herself with such lightness, Lucy imagined she might float to fall, and as the stag stepped near, Lucy saw that the woman was perched on a fine dainty saddle shaped like a frog.

  “Witch” was not the right word for this woman, Lucy thought. A witch was human. And this…creature…most definitely was not.

  “You are trespassing on the land of the Sidhe,” said the woman, her voice strong, ringing. “What say you?”

  “I say no,” replied Lucy awkwardly, fighting for courage. “You brought me here. So I was invited.”

  A faint smile touched the woman’s mouth. “You thought you were saving a heart that belongs to me. So you are a thief. Much worse, I think.”

  Lucy steeled herself. “You’re talking about Mary. Mary doesn’t belong to you.”

  The stag shook its head and the bells wept. Lucy thought she heard Mary’s voice within those tones. She closed her eyes for just a moment, searching. Listening hard, but when she looked again at the woman, she was gone from the stag.

  A cold hand caressed the back of Lucy’s neck, and she flinched, whirling. The woman stood before her, impossibly tall. Her eyes were as green as a spring leaf in morning sun: crisp, sharp, ageless. She peered at Lucy like she was a snowy owl, and the girl a mouse, and there was a hunger there that was implacable and terrifying.

  “All that enter the forest belong to me,” said the woman softly. “And now you, as well.”

  “No,” Lucy said. “I want to go home.”

  “Home.” The woman smiled. “This is home.”

  “There are people waiting for me. For Mary, too.”

  “Mary,” she said quietly. “Mary betrayed my trust. She tried to fetch help. You. Quite shocking that you were able to see and hear her. I find that fascinating.”

  Lucy did not. “Let us go. Please.”

  “For what reason?” The witch smiled, tilting her head. “Shall I tell you a riddle and have you guess the answer? Or perhaps have you perform three impossible tasks, each more harrowing than the other. Oh, better still, tell me stories to keep me amused. Be my fool, my jester of the wood, and perhaps in a year or twenty I will release you.”

  Lucy doubted that. So she said nothing, instead waiting, watching, refusing to let herself feel a moment lost. The woman’s smile faltered, just slightly, and that momentary weakness humanized her presence in ways that made her seem less regal than ridiculous—as though her shocking appearance was nothing but an attempt to impress, awe, and intimidate.

  Lucy suddenly felt stronger. “I won’t beg you. I won’t be a fool.”

  “You already are,” said the woman darkly. “You are nothing.”

  “No more than you,” Lucy replied recklessly, following her intuition. Perhaps too well: a cold hand grabbed her chin with crushing strength, yanking up until she stood on her toes, forced to look the woman in the eyes.

  “You love,” she whispered harshly. “I can smell it on you. Should we test that love? Do you truly think the one your heart cares for would wait? That handsome young man who used to be mine?”

  “Barnabus,” Lucy said, hoarse.

  “Barnabus,” she hissed. “I raised him long before that old crow sank her claws into his heart. He was mine. My son, in every way but one. But that one…he remembered.”

  “He did not love you.” Lucy could feel it, see it: a little boy with blue eyes running naked and wild, engaging with the woman, but never with emotion. Never with affection, or a smile.

  The woman glanced away, and then, softly, almost to herself: “He would never call me mother. He refused. And so I punished him.”

  “You took his voice.”

  “I could not have him calling another by the name he refused me.”

  “So if someone refuses you, you hurt them? What good does that do?”

  The woman gave her a sharp look. “Respect must be shown. I am a queen.”

  “You are a queen who is alone,” Lucy said, and the woman released her so quickly, she staggered, rubbing her aching chin.

  The woman—the queen, the Sidhe, whatever that might be—watched her with cool steady eyes, a gaze Lucy now knew Barnabus copied well. She met those ageless eyes, letting her thoughts roam, picking up as she did tendrils of some alternate vision: the woman in her finery, wandering the endless expanse of forest, alone. So very alone.

  “You wanted Henry to love you as a man loves a woman,” Lucy whispered. “You wanted Barnabus to love you as a mother. And there have been others, haven’t there? People who caught your eye. You brought them here, and then you hurt them because you couldn't understand why they didn’t return what you feel.”

  “Love,” whispered the woman. “It is a myth that belongs only to humans, and those who pretend to be like them. It cannot last.”

  “I used to think that,” Lucy told her. “Until I met Henry, and I saw how he loves.”

  “Henry will give up his wife.”

  “Henry will love her forever.”

  The woman smiled coldly. “Forever does not exist for mortal love.”

  “It doesn’t exist for immortals, either,” Lucy said, still
listening to that little voice inside her head. “Or maybe that’s just you.”

  The woman sucked in her breath; the stag backed away, eyes keen on its mistress. Lucy did not retreat. She took a step, overcome, as though she could hear her soul humming, as though the world was in her veins, alive and strong. Her heart, full to burst—and she thought of Barnabus, Henry, Miss Lindsay. People who cared for her. People she cared for, in ways she had not known possible.

  She loved them. She loved. And she knew what that was now, even if it was never returned. Even if one day, it all fell away.

  The woman flinched, staring at her. She began to speak, then stopped. Light burned in her eyes, but Lucy did not falter, nor did her heart dim. The woman turned, and in a muffled voice said, “Go. Leave. You have your freedom. I give you my word.”

  Lucy blinked, startled. “And Mary.”

  The woman stiffened, her back still turned. “I have blessed Henry with a gift. I would have returned Mary sooner, but she stopped loving him as she should. She is not worth his heart. He will be hurt, he will be broken. He has loved an ideal for all these years.”

  “Because of you,” Lucy said, and then, softer: “Henry loved the woman before the ideal. Let him find his own way.”

  The woman’s light dimmed, her radiance faltering beneath the gloom. Lucy, in a moment of pity, said, “You could leave this place if you’re so lonely.”

  That flawless head turned just a fraction, enough to see the corner of an eye, the curve of a high cheek.

  “We all have our homes,” she said quietly. “The ability to choose yours is not a gift to take for granted.”

  The woman plucked a silver bell from the stag’s antlers and tossed it at Lucy’s feet. A heartbeat later she was perched high on the fine saddle, her composure fixed and utterly regal.

  “Give my regards to Barnabus,” she said coldly. “The crows, as well.”

  And then she was gone. Vanished into the forest twilight.

  Lucy picked up the bell and shook it. Mary’s voice echoed, like an eerie chime. She held it tight after that, steady in her hand—scared somehow of hurting the woman, no matter how odd it was to think of a woman as a bell—and chose a direction to walk in. Voices whispered all around her, and what filled her ears and head tasted like music, a delightful mix of laughter and argument, lilting into a bustle that burst and billowed like bubbles, or birdsong. The queen—the woman—alone. Or not. There were things living in this place, in this entire world, that Lucy imagined she would never understand.