Gentleman Sinner

by Jodi Ellen Malpas

  I gather myself, trying not to lose my patience, and circle the bed, collecting a needle. “We haven’t got time for your overgrown ego,” I mutter, grabbing some gloves and pulling them on quickly. I take Theo’s arm, and he doesn’t even flinch. I slide the needle into the back of his hand, hitting the spot the first time. Blood gushes into the capped vial, and I breathe out, holding my hand out for the plaster. “Thank you,” I say, placing it over the cannula and resting his arm by his side. “When you connect the line, don’t touch him.” I make my way around the bed again, to another nurse, who has just pulled in a trolley loaded with everything she needs to take his vitals.

  She smiles at me, though it’s tinged with sadness. “The doctor’s on her way. I’m sure you don’t need them to tell you that there’s a high chance of brain damage.”

  I return her small smile, turning to Theo. “He’s going to be fine,” I say, because there’s no doubt in my mind that he will be. He knows I’m here. He felt my touch. He fought harder for me. He’s going to be fine.

  The nurse moves in and peels his eyelid back, holding her light up. And as I knew he would, he moves, hampering her. She huffs and tries again, getting the same result. “He’s a fidget, isn’t he?”

  I smile and take over her duties, assessing and noting all of Theo’s vitals without interference from any of the on-duty staff, nor from Theo. He remains unmoving. He’s still out cold. But I know he’s with me.

  * * *

  Leaving the staff to organize Theo’s scans, X-rays, and transfer to ICU, I wander out of the cubicle in a bit of a daze, my adrenaline fading. I feel wiped out. Pressing my back up against the wall outside the resuscitation unit, I look up to the bright, tubular lights and take a moment to gather myself. To try to comprehend what has just happened. But despite my overwhelming relief and happiness, I still break down. Rivers of tears pour down my cheeks as I try to process it all. It’s going to take some time. I was meant to work those unusually long three hours over my shift. I was meant to exit the hospital via Casualty. I was meant to be there when the ambulance arrived with Theo’s dying body.

  The sounds of protest hit me from the side, and I look down the corridor, seeing a team of nurses fighting with the drunken man who forced me to step in, to approach the bed Theo was being carried in on so I could help clear the paramedics’ path. I would never have gotten close enough to the bed to see Theo had that drunk not bowled aimlessly in front of them. That inebriated man was supposed to be there. He was supposed to cause havoc.

  I breathe out, feeling my back mold to the wall behind me as my phone rings, and I rummage through my bag, sniffing back my tears, until I lay my hands on it, seeing Callum is calling. I frown. He hasn’t been in touch since I picked up my stuff from Theo’s place two weeks ago. The glow of his name knocks some purpose into me. “Callum,” I say in greeting, pushing my back off the wall and peeking around the corner to Theo’s bed. I can barely see him for medical machinery.

  “Someone has seen Theo,” he blurts urgently. “Down by the docks, entering a less-than-reputable fight club.”

  My mouth opens to tell him I’ve found Theo, but no words come. My mind is too busy absorbing what I’ve been told and what it means. A fight club?

  “Izzy, there’s only one reason he’d go there,” Callum goes on. “A fighter. He hates Theo. He’s been trying to get him in the cage for years.” Callum is puffing over his words, and I conclude it’s because he’s running.

  “Why does he hate Theo?”

  “Because Theo beat his brother into a coma,” he says gravely, and I inhale. “It was years ago. I’m heading down there now. I just wanted you to be prepared for the worst.”

  Prepared for the worst? I peek around the corner again, seeing wires, machinery, and Theo’s battered body. I’m looking at the worst. He went to fight someone? I close my eyes, hating what I know to be true. He was punishing himself. He allowed himself to be beaten. Penance.

  “Izzy, are you hearing me?” Callum’s impatient voice wakes me from my thoughts, pulling me back into the hospital where Theo is lying, barely alive, and where his friend is on the phone telling me he might have found him.

  I shake myself to life, turning away from Theo and walking down the corridor. “Callum, I’m with Theo.”

  “What?”

  “At the hospital. Theo was brought in as an emergency. He was found by the docks half-dead.”

  There’s silence, no more puffing or sounds of exertion. Just a long, lingering, shocked silence.

  “Callum? Are you there?”

  “Half-dead?” he finally whispers.

  I can feel my voice is going to tremble if I speak, so I wait a few moments before I do, swallowing repeatedly while I find the strength I need to give Callum the details without falling apart. “It’s bad, Callum,” I explain. Another swallow. “Broken ribs, punctured lung. His injuries are extensive. And internal bleeding is suspected. He arrested.” I close my eyes and try not to relive the horror of that moment. “They got him back, but he’s in a coma. He’s been stabilized and is being sent for X-rays and scans before being transferred to ICU.”

  “Jesus,” he gasps. “What the fuck?”

  “Punishment,” I tell him flatly, seeing no point withholding what I know. “He was punishing himself.”

  Callum doesn’t bother countering my claim. He knows, too. “The stupid bastard.” There’s emotion in his voice that I can appreciate and empathize with. “You’re there on your own?”

  “I didn’t get a moment to call.” I feel terrible now, but the thought didn’t even enter my head. “It was all a bit…frantic. Then when they got a heartbeat back, he kept moving every time a nurse tried to get a line in. I had to do it all myself.”

  He laughs lightly in understanding. “Unbelievable.”

  I smile. It really is. “He knew I was here, Callum. He was gone, but he knew I was here.”

  “I have no doubt, Izzy,” he replies softly. “I have no doubt. I’m on my way.”

  “Call Judy,” I blurt, thinking I’d better brace myself for more tears. Judy’s going to see the condition of her son and lose sight of the fact that he’s actually been found.

  “I’ll pick her up on the way.” He disconnects, and I hold the phone to my chest, preparing myself to call Jess and go over it all again.

  Chapter 27

  I knew I wouldn’t be allowed in the X-ray and scan rooms, but I still followed the porters as they pushed Theo’s bed through the corridors of the hospital, a nurse tagging along with his files. I waited outside while he was x-rayed and scanned, and then I followed them up to ICU, where nurses were awaiting his arrival.

  After I’ve sent Callum a message telling him where to find us, I sit in the corner of the private room and watch as they hook all the machinery back up, the nurse from Triage doing handover to the ward sister. I smile when she advises them of Theo’s moving habit, and the sister laughs, like the nurse currently handing over the paperwork is joking. She can laugh now. He’s unconscious and unable to attack. She wouldn’t be laughing if he were fit, healthy, and awake with his palms wrapped around her throat.

  I look to the door at the sound of an urgent voice from outside the room and jump up, finding Jess is at the desk asking where I am. “Hey,” I call.

  She pivots around, lots of air leaving her mouth. “Izzy!” She runs to the room and throws her arms around me. “I’ve been so worried. What’s happened to him?”

  The firmness of her hug is blissful. So needed. “I think he put himself in a fight to lose.”

  “Why would he do that?” She releases me and guides me over to a chair, letting me sit. She must feel my exhaustion. Approaching Theo quietly, being sure not to get in the nurse’s way, she hovers over the bed, shaking her head in despair at the sight of him.

  “Guilt,” I breathe. Resting back, I prop my elbow on the chair’s arm and let my head use it for support.

  “He looks terrible.” She states the obvious, probably no
t knowing what else to say. “What have the doctors said?”

  “It’s touch-and-go. They’ve x-rayed and scanned him. We’re waiting for the results.”

  The door bursts open, and Judy appears, deranged with worry. “Oh my goodness, Theo.” She throws herself across the room to the bed, and Callum follows, his steps hesitating as he gets his first glimpse of his friend. A haunted look passes across his face, followed quickly by one of rage. He stops in the middle of the room and stares, taking in the mess that is Theo’s body.

  Judy’s hand clamps over her mouth in shock before reaching and retracting a few times, her red lips quivering. “Look at him,” she murmurs, devastated. “What did that bastard do to him?”

  “Nothing Theo didn’t ask him to,” Callum says, pointing to Theo’s wrists. “He restrained himself.”

  I’m up from my chair in an instant, moving closer to get a better look. He’s right. Theo’s wrists are a horrid sight of welts and lacerations, evidence of being bound. I neglected to notice them among the endless other injuries. “Why?” I ask without thinking. Of course I know why, but my mind is struggling to comprehend the extent of Theo’s actions.

  “The stupid bastard made it easy to beat him. He needed to stop his ability to react when he was touched.”

  I decide here and now that as soon as Theo is back to health, I’m going to kick his arse. I grit my teeth and turn to Judy, her sobs showing no signs of receding. “He’s going to be okay,” I tell her, taking her hands and doing what she’s been doing for me since Theo left.

  “How can he be?” she asks, looking at his mangled body and wincing. “All of this damage.”

  I slip my hand into hers and squeeze. “I’ll fix him,” I assure her. “I promise.” I’ve never made a more sincere vow. I’ve already decided that I’m quitting my job. Theo’s recovery is going to be long and grueling, and I plan on being there every step of the way. I won’t leave his side. Not ever again.

  “Are you thirsty?” Jess asks. She looks mildly uncomfortable. She wants something to do, to be busy and useful.

  “Tea would be good,” I reply, guiding Judy away from the bed and sitting her in the chair. “Get Judy one, too, please.”

  “Got it.” Jess heads for the door, and Callum follows.

  “I’ll help.” He doesn’t acknowledge Jess’s startled face as they go, leaving me alone with Judy.

  I pull a chair over to join her, her hands fiddling in her lap, her eyes never leaving her son. But my arse doesn’t make it to the seat, because a mild gurgling sound splinters the quiet, making me bolt back upright, Judy joining me a second later. Theo moans painfully and tries to move, pulling at the wires attached to him.

  “Theo.” I take his hand and constrict my hold, my palm going to his sticky forehead and brushing back his long hair. “Theo, can you hear me?” I turn back to Judy. “Get the doctor.” I could press the call button, but she needs something to do, and Theo isn’t in immediate medical danger. He’s just agitated. She’s gone like a rocket, and I return to Theo’s squirming form. “You need to keep still. You have broken ribs.”

  The moans come and come, his eyes now clenched shut rather than resting closed. “Too much,” he mumbles, those two simple words making me so fucking happy.

  “You’re hooked up to morphine,” I explain. “You need something else?”

  “Izzy.” His head thrashes a few times, his movements becoming dangerously erratic. “Izzy.”

  “Theo, I’m here.”

  His eyes snap open, wide and wild, the blue so dull and lifeless. “Where? Where is she?”

  “Theo, look at me.”

  It’s a horrible long few seconds before he does, but when our eyes meet, he sees me, and he knows me. “Izzy,” he sighs, relaxing into the bed. There’s a slight flex of his hand in mine. “You’re going to fix me.” He states it as a fact, and I smile and move my face in closer, letting it settle in the crook of his neck.

  I try not to think about how much more there is to fix now. “I’m going to fix you.” I kiss his neck and relish the comfort I get from feeling his body warming.

  He uses too much effort to lift his arm so he can feel my hair, hissing a few times on the way. His fingers weave through the strands gently, his movements a little jerky, though the sensation is still so comforting. “You saved my life,” he whispers.

  I smile my understanding, closing my eyes and enjoying our closeness as I thank every god in history for sparing him. He isn’t talking about saving his life today. He’s talking about from the moment we touched.

  Chapter 28

  He’s so slow. Almost like an old man as he hobbles in short bursts before he’s exhausted and has to take a rest. I’m on the couch in his lounge pretending to read, but I’m peeking discreetly over the top of my book, keeping an eye on him as he makes his way back from the bathroom. He stops at the sideboard and rests his hand on top, taking a break. It’s only been four weeks. The doctor has said it’s time to start getting up and moving around, but just a little to start. That was a week ago, and I can see a tiny bit of progress each day.

  Those small steps are never enough for Theo, though. He was on his back for three weeks, and had two operations—one to repair a severed artery that was causing the internal bleeding, and one to crack his shoulder into place. He’s expecting too much of himself.

  I haven’t pressed for the sordid details of his stupid stunt. He told me he was at his wits’ end, needed someone to beat the guilt out of him. I still can’t bend my mind around such self-hatred. Callum, however, wanted details.

  I couldn’t listen, so I left the room with Jess, deciding I’d rather hear what’s going on between her and Callum. Apparently, nothing, and she seems accepting of that. They have an understanding, so I’m told. Personally, I think they’re both delusional idiots, but, selfishly, I have no intention to help them along to realization. Theo is my priority. Just Theo. My old man. He’s been through the wringer, and the toll it’s taken on him is all too clear. His muscles have shrunk, he’s a little pasty, and he can barely move without running out of breath. But he still looks at me with that familiar adoration in his eyes. He still reads my mind and my moves. And that dimple I love so much is making appearances more and more each day. He’s still my peace, and I’m happier now than ever. Our secrets are no longer holding us back or dictating the path of our love.

  I quickly flick my eyes back to my book when his head slowly lifts in my direction. “I know you’re watching me,” he mumbles, starting toward me again. “Bet you’re wondering what you’ve let yourself in for.” He lowers to the couch by my feet and lets out a long, exhausted breath.

  I snap my book shut and toss it on the floor. “It’s going to take time, Theo,” I remind him for the millionth time. “You were technically dead.” I poke his bare thigh with my toe, smiling when he looks down at my pink polished toes thoughtfully.

  Claiming my foot, he lifts it onto his thigh, doing a terrible job of hiding the effort it’s taking him, and starts massaging. “Tell me again.”

  “What?”

  “The story of how you saved my life.” He smiles across the couch, his eyes glossy with life. “It’s my favorite story.”

  “I didn’t save your life. The man giving CPR saved your life.”

  “Because you threatened him.” He grins a little, proud and smug. “I wish I could have seen your sass being thrown around that room.”

  I roll my eyes, but I can smile about it now. “I knew you were still with me.”

  “I could hear you.” He lets his head rest on the back of the couch, looking at me as he massages my foot. “It was weird.”

  “I bet your level of weirdness didn’t match my level of fear.”

  His lips press together a little, thoughtful, his eyes dropping to his working hands on my foot. “I’m sorry.”

  “For scaring me?”

  “Of course for that, but more for leaving you.” He glances up at my face. Theo didn’t get to see t
he blackening of my eye or how it became so swollen, it shut completely. I’m glad. It would have only taken his guilt to another level, if that’s possible. Which I don’t think it is.

  As the silence lingers, I steel myself to ask what I’ve been afraid to ask since I found him again. I don’t want to know how or why he ended up at the fight club on the docks. That I don’t think I could hear. Seeing the result is something I’ll never wipe from my memory. But what about the time prior to that? I haven’t asked. I’ve waited weeks for Theo to find the strength he needs to share what happened after that horrible day, but he hasn’t, and despite promising myself I wouldn’t push him to talk about a time I know pains him, I’ve gotten to a point where I feel that he must. Like therapy, I guess. He can’t move on until he’s relieved of the burden, and neither can I. It’s the last piece of the puzzle I need.

  “Where did you go?” I whisper, barely loud enough to be heard. The purposely low volume of my voice is maybe an indication that I actually don’t want to know.

  But Theo hears, sighing and gripping my ankle, giving it a little tug. “Come here. I want to hold you.”

  “Do you need to hold me?” I ask, turning my body around and shuffling down the couch, placing my head on his lap.

  “I always need to hold you.” I know his reply to be true, but it doesn’t fill me with reassurance at this particular moment in time. Arranging my legs just so, he strokes up my thigh onto my tummy and circles his palm there for a few moments, and then so terribly slowly and tactfully, over my breast. My breath hitches. And he smiles at his hand knowingly. “That’s good,” he murmurs, glancing at my frowning face. He flicks my nipple gently. “You’re still turned on by me, even when I look like this.”

  I squirm with a girlish giggle when he flexes his hips up, pushing a surprisingly hard cock into my temple where it rests on his lap. I could just turn my head, tug down his shorts, and…