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"Ive got to," I say, my back to her.
She steps beside me. "Why? Why do you have to do something that might end up with you in jail?"
I put her soft, pale cheek in my palm and give her a wistful smile. "Didnt you know gang members deal drugs? Its part of the job. "
"So quit. Surely theres some way. . . . "
"You want to quit, they give you a challenge. Sometimes its torture, sometimes a beating. If you live, you get out. Let me tell you, preciosa, only once have I seen anyone come out of a challenge alive. The guy still wishes he was dead, he got beat up so bad. God, youll never understand, my family needs this. "
"For the money?"
My hand leaves her. "No, not for the money. " I throw my head back and wince in frustration. "Can we please change the subject?"
"Im against you doing anything illegal. "
"Querida, you need a saint. Or at least a minister. And Im neither of those. "
"Arent I important to you?"
"Yes. "
"Then prove it to me. "
I pull my bandanna off my head, then rake my fingers through my hair. "Do you know how hard its been for me? Mi madre expects me to protect the family by being in the Blood but is in total denial, Hector wants me to prove Im dedicated to the Blood, and you . . . the one person who I feel like I can start a life with someday, you want me to prove I love you by doin somethin that could put my family in danger. I have to do this, you know. And nobody, not even you, is gonna change my mind. Oluidalo. "
"Youll risk what we have?"
"Dammit, dont do this. We dont have to risk anythin. "
"If you start dealing drugs, its over. Ive jeopardized everything for you . . . for us. My friends. My parents. Everything. Cant you do the same?"
I toss my jacket to her when her teeth start chattering. "Here. Put this on. "
And thats it. This is my life. If she cant handle it, she can go back to Colin Adams. Or whoever she can mold into her own Ken doll.
She tells me to take her to her friend Sierras house. "I think we should work separately on the chemistry project," Brittany says. She hands me back my jacket when we reach the big house on the beach. "Do you want to put the hand warmers together or would you rather write the paper?"
"Whatever you want. "
"Well, Im a pretty good writer. . . . "
"Fine. Ill do the rest. "
"Alex, it doesnt have to end like this. "
I watch as tears well in her eyes. Ive got to get out of here before they start falling down her face. That will definitely be my undoing.
"Yeah, it does," I say, then drive off.
CHAPTER 49 Brittany
After I used two boxes of tissues, Sierra gave up on trying to cheer me up and let me cry myself to sleep. In the morning, I beg her to keep her curtains closed and shades down. Theres nothing wrong with staying in bed all day, is there?
"Thanks for not saying I told you so," I say as I scan her closet for something to wear after she forces me to get up.
Shes standing by her dresser, putting on makeup. "Im not saying it, but I sure am thinking it. "
"Thanks," I say dryly.
Sierra pulls a pair of jeans and a long-sleeve shirt out of her closet. "Here, wear these. You wont look half as good in my clothes as you do in yours, but youll still look better than any girl at Fairfield. "
"Dont say that. "
"Why? Its true. "
"No, its not. My top lip is too fat. "
"Guys think its sexy. Movie stars pay big bucks for big lips. "
"My nose is crooked. "
"Only from a certain angle. "
"My boobs are lopsided. "
"Theyre big, Brit. Guys are obsessed with big boobs. They could care less if theyre lopsided. " She pulls me in front of the mirror. "Face it, youre model-gorgeous. Okay, so your eyes are bloodshot and youve got bags from crying all night. But all in all, youve got it goin on. Look in the mirror, Brit, and say out loud Im the bomb. "
"No. "
"Come on. Itll make you feel better. Look right in the mirror and yell my boobs rock!"
"Nuh-uh. "
"Can you at least admit youve got good hair?"
I look at Sierra. " You talk to yourself in front of a mirror?
"I do. Wanna see?" She pushes me aside and moves up close to the mirror. "Not half-bad, Sierra," she tells herself. "Doug is one lucky guy. " She turns to me. "See, its easy. "
Instead of laughing, I start to cry.
"Ami that ugly?"
I shake my head.
"Is it because I dont have clothes with bling? I know your mom kicked you out, but do you think shell let us go over and raid your closet? I dont know how long youll be able to stand wearing my size-eight clothes on your size-four body. "
My mom didnt call here last night looking for me. I kind of expected her to, but then again she rarely meets my expectations. And my dad . . . well, he probably doesnt know I didnt sleep at home. They can keep my clothes. Ill probably sneak in during the day to check up on Shelley, though.
"You want my advice?" Sierra asks.
I look at her warily. "I dont know. You hated the idea of Alex and me together from the beginning. "
"Thats not true, Brit. I didnt tell you this, but hes actually a nice guy when he loosens up. I had fun the day we all went to Lake Geneva. Doug did, too, and even said Alex was cool to hang with. I dont know what happened between the two of you, but either forget about him, or give him everything youve got in your arsenal. "
"Is that what you do with Doug?"
She smiles. "Sometimes Doug needs a wake-up call. When our relationship starts getting comfortable, I do something to switch it up. Dont interpret my advice as an excuse to go after Alex. But if hes what you really want, well, then, who am I to tell you not to go for it? I hate seeing you sad, Brit. "
"Was I happy with Alex?"
"Obsessed is more like it. But yeah, I saw you happy. Happier than youve been in a really, really long time. With someone you like that much, the lows are as low as the highs are high. Does that make sense?"
"It does. It also makes me sound bipolar. "
"Love will do that to a person. "
CHAPTER 50 Alex
Im eating breakfast the morning after Brittanys warehouse visit when I glimpse a shaved head peeking through my front door.
"Paco, if thats you Id stay the hell away from me," I call out.
Miama slaps me on the back of my head. "Thats no way to treat your friends, Alejandro. "
I go back to eating while she opens the door for that. . . traitor.
"Youre not still mad at me, Alex," Paco says, "are you?"
"Of course hes not mad at you, Paco. Now sit down and eat. Ive made some chorizo con huevos. "
Paco has the gall to pat me on the shoulder. "I forgive you, man. "
I look up then, first at miama to make sure she isnt paying attention, then at Paco. "You forgive me?"
"Youve got yourself a real fat lip, Paco," she says, examining the damage Id done to it.
Paco touches his lip lightly. "Yeah, I fell onto a fist. You know how it is. "
"No, I dont. You fall onto too many fists youre going to end up in the hospital one day," she warns, shaking her finger at him. "Well, Im going to work. And Paco, keep away from fists today, si? Lock up before you go out, Alejandro, porfis. . . . "
I glare at Paco.
"What?"
"You know what. How could you have brought Brittany to the warehouse?"
"Im sorry," Paco says as he chows down on our food.
"No, youre not. "
"Okay, youre right. Im not. "
I watch in disgust as he uses his fingers to scoop food up and shove it into his mouth.
"I dont know why I put up with you," I say.
"So what happened with you and Brittany last night?" Paco asks while following me outside.
My breakfast is threatening to come up, an
d its not due to Pacos eating habits. I grab his collar. "Its over between Brittany and me. I dont even want to hear her name again. "
"Speak of the devil," he says, craning his neck. I release Paco and turn around, expecting to see Brittany. But she isnt there and the next thing I know Pacos fist is in my face.
"Now were even. And boy, have you got it bad for Miss Ellis if youre threatenin me if I use her name. I know you could kill me with your two hands," Paco says, "but I got to admit. . . I dont think youd do it. "
As I test my jaw, I taste blood. "I wouldnt be too sure of that. Tell you what. I wont kick your ass if you stop interferin in my life. That means with Hector and Miss Ellis. "
"I got to tell ya, interferin in your life is what keeps me goin. Hell, even the beatin my old man gave me last night when he was shit-faced drunk doesnt give me as much entertainment as your life. "
I lower my head. "Im sorry, Paco. I shouldnt have hit you. You get it enough from your old man. "
Paco murmurs a "dont sweat it. "
Last night was the first time Ive regretted using my fists on anyone. Paco has gotten beat up so many times by his old man, he probably has permanent scars on his body. Im a complete asshole for hitting him. In a way Im glad its over between me and Brittany. Im unable to control my feelings or emotions when shes near.
My only hope is that outside of chemistry I can avoid her. Yeah, right. Even if shes not with me, thoughts of her are always in my head.
One good thing about my breakup with Brittany--its given me time these last two weeks to think about my fathers murder. The night is starting to come back to me in flashes. Something doesnt fit, but I cant figure it out. My dad smiled, talked, and was shocked and nervous when the gun was pulled on him. Shouldnt he have been wary all along?
Tonight is Halloween, the night Hector chose for the drug deal to go down. All day Ive been restless. Ive worked on seven cars today, from giving an oil change to replacing worn-out, leaky gaskets.
I left Hectors gun in my bedroom drawer, not wanting to pack heat until I absolutely have to. Which is actually stupid because this will be the first of many drug deals Ill be doing in my lifetime.
Youre like your old man. I shrug off the voice inside my head thats been plaguing me all day. Como el Viejo.
I cant help it. I remember all the times my papa said Somos cuates, Alejandro. You and me are the closest. He always spoke Spanish, as if he was still in Mexico. Someday you gonna be strong like your padre? hed ask in Spanish. I always looked up to my father as if he was a deity. Claro, Papa. I want to be like you.
My father never said to me I could be better or do better than him. But tonight Ill prove Im a carbon copy of my old man. I tried to be different by telling Carlos and Luis they can have a different path. Im an idiot to think Ive been a role model to them.
My thoughts drift to Brittany. Ive tried to forget Brittany will be going with someone else to the Halloween dance. I heard she was going with her old boyfriend. I try to push out of my mind the fact that another guy will have his hands on her.
Her date will kiss her tonight, Im sure of it. Who wouldnt want to kiss those sweet, soft, frosted lips?
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