The Beginning of Never

by O. E. Boroni

  The message was clear.

  However I continued to steal glances at him, and most times just outright stared- but he never lifted his head from his meal to look anywhere else, except when he wanted to talk to James. It was like he was a stranger, and as I watched him- trying to understand what the hell was happening, it got to the point where I was staring so much that Elisa kicked me from underneath the table.

  She warned me to stop, and I did because I just didn’t have the strength in me to keep up with him anymore. But towards the end of dinner, I wanted to go over to speak to him- just to plainly ask what the problem was because nothing made sense. I could ignore him the way he did me, but I just needed to understand what was going on… and why?

  I spoke to her about it and she asked me if I was out of my mind. “Have you forgotten what Beverly did to you even though everyone thinks you’re cousins?”

  “Elisa, I don’t…” I exhaled. “He hasn’t even looked up once to try to find me here – it’s almost as if I don’t exist.”

  “Well that’s not true.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He looks at you when you look away,” she said, her tone still somewhat harsh.

  She rolled her eyes when a smile broke out on my face.

  “Really? When? I kept looking at him but he never turned.”

  “That’s because he’s smarter than you.”

  “Ouch?”

  She sighed. “Lennie, you need to be careful, and also, if knowing that he has been stealing glances at you for the last hour is all it takes for you to smile like this, then you’re so screwed.”

  “I am not,” I said, as I put a fry in my mouth. I glanced at him again, and this time I caught his stare. It was so unexpected that I froze, and this time, he left his eyes on me for a few seconds before turning away. I had to take a few deep breaths after that to keep my heart from exploding in my chest.

  *

  I got into bed late that evening, and was almost falling asleep when my laptop started ringing with a video call from him.

  I almost went into shock, but recovered enough to accept it just before it disconnected.

  “Hi,” he said, when his face came into view.

  “Hey,” I responded, and that was all we said for the next few seconds. He eventually broke the ice.

  "You have a chemistry test on Monday,” he said.

  I frowned. "Why do you know about that?”

  He ignored the question and went on. "We need to study for that."

  I sighed. “Okay, thank you. But first I want to ask you something.”

  “Shoot.”

  “You um … there are times you act like, like you care but then sometimes it’s like you don’t. Why?”

  He was silent for a few moments before he said, “I don’t understand.”

  That made me angry. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

  “Lenora don’t do this.”

  “What do you mean by don’t do this.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to tell me what’s going on, and don’t you dare act like it’s all in my head.”

  He sighed. “It’s not, but everything’s fine.”

  Just then Olivia walked in, so I told him to give me a second as I reached under my desk for my earphones.

  “Can you hear me?” I asked when I’d plugged them in.

  He nodded.

  “Please help me understand what’s going on.”

  “Nora, there’s noth –” he started, but I interrupted. I had to literally clench my teeth to keep myself from yelling at him.

  “Why won’t you talk to me?”

  “There’s nothing to say,” he said.

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Really.”

  I cut the call on him.

  *

  The next day I went to the library to sort out my own chemistry dilemma. It was my worst subject and after the thrill of getting a ‘B’ on my second worst, which was math, I wanted to give this as much effort as I could. Thirty minutes into the struggle, I’d started to regret that I’d rejected Nathan’s offer to help me when I heard soft footsteps approaching.

  I looked up to see Nathan walking towards me. I’d hoped that he’d look for me, but now that he was here, I didn’t want to have to deal with him, because the confusion that both he and chemistry were bringing to my life was too exhausting.

  “What happened yesterday?” he asked when he reached the front of my table. He sounded pissed.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, trying to control my own annoyance.

  “You hung up on me!”

  “Well, you kept avoiding my questions.”

  “I didn’t avoid your questions.”

  I sighed. “Nathan, you ignore me for weeks and then all of a sudden start caring again, and you don’t think I need an explanation? Do you really think I’m stupid?”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth.”

  “Well that’s the problem right there; you’re not saying anything. It seems like you expect me to just go with the flow- to just ignore whatever you do and then of course jump to the call whenever you decide that I’m worth your time. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. You might think me dumb enough to do that, but I can’t. I still respect myself.”

  Rising to my feet, I gathered my things, and hoped that as I walked past him that he would stop me. If not to say anything, but at least to apologize and promise that he would make me understand as soon as he could. But he didn’t.

  I returned to my classroom, wondering how I had allowed someone to be able to make me feel miserable.

  *

  My sour mood continued until dinnertime, where I made sure not to even care if he was present. I was glad to see James though, who came over to see what we were up to. He noticed that I seemed unhappy and asked me what was wrong.

  "Chemistry’s torturing her," Elisa supplied with a bright smile.

  He turned to me. "Is that really what’s wrong?" he asked.

  I frowned at her. “Don’t pay any attention to her, I’m fine,” I said, but he wasn’t convinced.

  "I could help you with it," he offered. "I’m science savvy…”

  “Yay,” I said in a flat tone.

  He chuckled. “Seriously though, it's not that hard. I'm sure it'll be easier for you when we're done. What time is your test?"

  “It’s on Monday, but don’t worry about it; I’ll sort myself out before then.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I am. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” he said, and left a few minutes later when he was done talking to Elisa. They seemed to be more familiar with each other than I’d originally thought.

  I returned to my room after dinner and spent the rest of the weekend trying to figure out my chemistry notes, and filling in my journal. Despite the fact that I’d barely ever been able to keep a journal and update it regularly, this one was filling up quite nicely.

  I wrote everything I could remember about Nathan and I. At first it was just for closure, but then I got lost in it, and then sad, because as the days passed, I realized that this could very well be the end for the both of us.

  *

  My test on Monday morning was as horrible as I’d expected, and that set my mood for the rest of the week. I was withdrawn from everyone, even Elisa, and by the end of the week, I realized I was back to the way I’d been before I’d met Nathan.

  My time with him hadn't exactly been blue skies, but at least I’d reacted during that period – I’d laughed and I’d cried and I’d been excited. But now I was just bored and hurt and back to wishing again that I didn’t feel.

  We had socials that weekend. The party was held in the open field that separated the house area from the main school block, and despite Elisa’s pleas to accompany her, I’d stayed in my room and dozed on and off to the soft sound of Simon and Garfunkel’s ‘The Sound of Silence’. It was a really old song that my mum had
always listened to, but it wasn’t till she’d died that I’d been able to understand, and come to resonate with its lyrics. Now, whenever I felt as heavyhearted as I currently did, I listened to it, and somehow, it calmed me.

  By two a.m., the racket of exhausted students as they returned to their rooms drew me from my sleep. The party was over, but my night had just started. I stayed up reading a novel, but my mind constantly wandered back to Nathan. I kept wondering if he had attended the party, and if he had, who he had gone with. A few hours later, Elisa came in and climbed into bed with me.

  "Enjoy the party?" I asked, and she smiled before letting out a wide yawn. I got up from the bed and went to stand by the window; it was starting to rain outside.

  "How come Olivia isn’t back yet?”

  I shrugged. “She’s probably with her sister.”

  "Alex was there," she said quietly. “He didn’t stay for long though.”

  I’d decided that I wasn’t going to ask- because it didn’t matter, but I couldn’t help myself. “Did he go with anyone?”

  “I don’t think so. I did see him with Marilyn at some point but he left before the party was even halfway through. I told you, you should have come.”

  I returned to the bed. “So now I should plan my life based on Nathan’s decisions?”

  She frowned. “I always get confused when you use that name. Why not just call him Alex?”

  “I prefer Nathan,” I said, and dragged the covers over us.

  "Anyway, where do you think you’ll be spending your midterms?"

  "I usually spend it back home, but I’m thinking of staying back this time around."

  She instantly shot up from the bed, displacing the duvet that I’d just arranged over us. I sighed.

  "Really?" she beamed excitedly. "Who’re you planning to stay with?"

  "Uh … I’m not sure right now." I answered, amused at how excited she’d become.

  "You could stay with me," she said. "I mean there's plenty of space back at home, well not plenty but it’s more than enough for you. And you'd love my family. And my mum will love you, she'll have someone she can boss around and compare me to for a fortnight. And my brothers, they're still little but they're adorable. There'll be work though, both in the house and at the bookstore, but it'll be fun. I promise."

  "Your family owns a bookstore?" I asked.

  "Mm-hm," she grinned. "It’s not huge but it’s okay. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

  “I’m sure I will,” I said, beginning to feel excited too. “I’ll ask my dad and see what he says. I’ll get back to you soon.”

  "Okay!" she squealed, before returning to her side of the bed.

  "Let’s have a makeover." she said out of the blue.

  I immediately refused.

  "Come on," she urged. “It'll be fun, I promise – and no funny stuff. You can revert it if you're not okay with it."

  “No.” I repeated, but she kept on talking about it until I finally agreed. She left to get her things and returned a few minutes later with a huge pink bag. She unzipped it and brought out a hair dryer. Leaning forward for a closer look, I saw that she had almost everything in there; a curling iron, hairbrushes and a couple of smaller bags in the same striped pattern as the main one. I hesitated for a moment, but pushed my concern aside when I saw the sparkle in her eyes as she waited for me to get up and go over to my desk.

  An hour and some minutes later, we were in front of the mirror in my wardrobe and admiring my new hairdo. She had first of all straightened my hair and then curled into soft shiny waves that I just couldn’t stop ruffling.

  “Stop ruining it,” she pleaded but I couldn’t help it; it felt fantastic.

  "It doesn't matter,” I said. “I’m going to ruin it before Monday anyway,"

  "Obviously, but at least let me savor my hard work for today. I know you're not going to let me do this again.”

  "Fine," I said, unable to drag my gaze away from the mirror. I looked beautiful. It was amazing how much difference a good hairdo could make.

  My mind wandered to Nathan, and I found myself wondering what his reaction would be if he saw me like this. I smiled sadly and ran my fingers through the curls again.

  I missed him – a lot – and it annoyed me that life could be so complicated that a simple friendship between two people couldn’t even be sustained. I pushed him out of my mind and strengthened my resolve to forget about him.

  I knew I’d failed woefully when hours later, I was re-curling my hair in preparation for dinner. I tried not to think of the real reason for the care in my appearance, but I could see a knowing look in Elisa's eyes when she came into my room and saw what I was doing. Thankfully, she kept her comments to herself and soon we were on our way to the dining hall.

  When we arrived, the place was as rowdy as usual but our usual seats had been occupied. Elisa spotted Matthew and immediately started to pull me along. I refused to go with her.

  “It’s Nathan’s table.” I said.

  “You don’t have to talk to him.” she said, and didn’t wait for me to argue. She pulled me along and I ended up sitting next to the spot that Nathan usually sat in. Elisa sat beside Matthew, which was opposite me, and immediately forgot that I existed as she chatted away with him.

  James was also at the table and had started talking to me as soon as I sat down. I enjoyed speaking to him, but still felt nervous about the moment that Nathan would come in. I hadn’t spoken to Nathan since the day in the library, and I was nervous. Maybe things would be better if we saw each other now, I allowed myself to hope, but when we had already collected our meals and he still hadn’t showed up, I finally accepted that he wasn’t going to come.

  I thought I’d be disappointed but instead I was angry; angry at him, and then angry at myself because once again I’d broken my resolve to never go out of my way for anything, when it came to him.

  *

  The next day, which was Monday, we entered the last week of the first half of the term. The day had been good so far, and even though I had done a terrible job of curling my hair, it had still been a considerable change from the familiar jumble.

  I had even taken time with my uniform. Both my pinafore and dress-shirt were neat and pressed – ill-fitted though, but still an improvement. No one had stepped on my toes- not even the teachers, I’d had a peaceful lunch with Elisa and Matthew and for the first time, was actually paying attention in my chemistry class.

  All this was until Mrs. Zimmerman decided to return our chemistry test papers. I got an F, and it hurt because I’d actually tried and written something down. Apparently it had been rubbish.

  I stared dejectedly at the marker board after that, the disappointment seemingly pulling on the strings of the heavyheartedness that had plagued me all weekend long. It overwhelmed me until I literally couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. So I excused myself and left the class.

  I didn’t know where to go so I just headed towards my locker, the test script crumpled in my hand.

  I really, really wanted to have done better. Maybe it was to prove to myself that Nathan being absent in my life wouldn’t make a difference, and that I could still be a little happier and successful at my school work. That I didn’t need him to tutor me or make me feel like I existed, or give me at least one reason in my damn life to be excited about something.

  I crumpled the paper in my hand even more, then let out a long breath to steady my rising temper. I was starting to really hate him- for everything. For being present in the first place, and then for leaving- without a word. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need anyone, but damn it, he’d made me care about myself, and I didn’t want to go back to being and feeling so dark that even in my own eyes, I didn’t matter.

  When I turned the corner that led into the hallway that housed my locker, I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that Nathan was standing beside my locker. I watched as he slipped an envelope into one of the openings, and then turned to walk away.

&nbs
p; I watched him leave, and wanted to call him back but my mouth wouldn’t work. So I just stared after him but suddenly, he stopped. Then he glanced backwards and our gazes met. My heart dropped into my stomach.

  It seemed like a full minute passed before I finally broke our gaze, and started walking towards my locker. But really, it may have only been just a few seconds. But in that moment, everything seemed to have slowed down. The tap of my shoes against the floor suddenly seemed too loud, and my breathing was ragged. I could hear the pulse of my now accelerated heartbeat in my ears.

  He started moving towards me and I grew nervous, because I didn’t know what I was going to do or say. I wasn’t even sure I wanted him to come any closer. Just leaving without a word like he’d been doing so far would be perfect, but he didn’t leave. He reached me just as I turned towards my locker and began to open it. He waited beside me for a few seconds and then I felt his hand touch my arm. I brushed it away.

  I continued struggling with the combination for my padlock, but just couldn’t get it right, especially since my hands were now trembling. Eventually, I just got pissed and wanted to slam my palm against the stupid locker. Instead I turned, and started to walk away.

  He caught my hand and gently pulled me back. I tried with my other free hand to release his grip from around my wrist but it didn’t budge.

  “Nora look at me,” he pleaded.

  I shook my head. “Leave me alone.”

  He took a step closer to me, and it was way too close. I saw him briefly look to his sides to confirm that we were alone and then he lowered his head towards mine, literally forcing me to meet his gaze. I still refused, and kept my eyes at a point above his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “So please don’t be mad at me.”

  “Don’t be mad at you? Let me go,” I said, but then realized that he wasn’t holding me. I turned to walk away but again, he caught my hand and pulled me back. I didn’t see it coming until suddenly, his lips were on mine, soft and moist.

  Fire shot through my body.

  My automatic response was to hold on to him by the sides of his arms, but when I realized what I was doing, I tore my mouth away from his and pushed him away. I was grateful it didn’t move him an inch though because I would have dropped to the floor if he had let me go- I couldn’t feel my legs!