Cheap & Classy (Hide Your Crazy)

by Hardenbrook, T. A.

  “Yep,” I replied again.

  “Well, I love you.”

  “Isn’t it way too early to be blurting out I love you again? I mean, shit. Last time was a giant disaster, and well we just started speaking to one another again like last week,” I babbled like a lunatic on speed. One of these days my brain was going to catch up with my heart, and I would be fortunate enough to spare anyone else these sudden outbursts of crazy.

  “Molly Anne, shut your damn brain down and say goodbye,” Reid demanded firmly.

  “Okay, bye.” Ending the call before anything more could spring from my lips, I dropped my head back and stared blindly into a large white spotlight. Could my life get any weirder?

  “So, boys and girls,” I glared at Megan standing next to me, who instantly turned a deep shade of red. “Condoms are no longer optional. Not like they were before, but you know what I mean. There will be a plethora of them stocked on both buses, back stage in the dressing area, and I will probably stuff your pockets before leaving for any other function. So please, don’t claim you couldn’t find one. They are not some mythical creature that you have to hunt down to mount on your damn wall.” A collective groan came from both bands sitting on the two leather couches backstage. “Don’t think I’m above interrupting your hokey pokey session to make sure your wiener is wrapped up. I’m serious, guys. No communicable diseases or babies. I refuse to doctor your nastiness or change diapers. Got it?”

  A couple snickers came from some of the guys while Chance puckered up and air kissed in Megan’s direction. “And please, take care of that issue before I kill the both of you, okay?”

  “You have nothing to worry about,” she reassured me in a whisper. As much as I would like to believe her, Reid and I were the prime example of trying to stay away from each other. Shit, even with the humongous blow up, leaving his tour, Brantley, and even the pregnancy scare apparently couldn’t keep us apart. Witchcraft. It had to be witchcraft.

  “So you’re telling me I have to wear a rubber?” one of the guys from the opening act questioned rather rudely.

  “I’m not telling you to do anything. I’m just advising your little opening act band. If you guys ever plan on making it big, getting signed to a major label, and headlining your own tour, I suggest you keep your penis disease free and the offspring to a minimum.” I couldn’t believe the ignorance and stupidity these men spouted out.

  “Wow, look at the time,” Megan blurted out, faking a glance at her cellphone in a panic to ease some of the tension in the room. “I need you guys to hit wardrobe. Meet and greet is in a half hour.”

  Narrowing my eyes at PD I gave them one last threatening glance. They knew I meant business, and I expected for my simple little rule to be followed. “I’ll see you guys in the MG room in twenty.” Raising my eyebrows at them as they filed out of the dressing room, I let out a loud sigh. “Is keeping their dick covered really too much to ask?”

  “Apparently.” Megan tried to stifle a giggle while patting my shoulder.

  “This tour is doomed,” I grumbled, kicking an empty red Solo cup lying on the floor.

  Chapter 17

  Sex, that is all.

  I had gone through seven packs of Double-A batteries since starting this tour. Four and half of them since getting back with Reid. Technically we hadn’t really discussed if we were actually dating again. And really, did we ever make it exclusive before? I mean it was common knowledge that I wasn’t going to screw anyone else while giving my heart to that man, but I really needed to set some boundaries and see where he stood on the whole monogamy thing. He claimed I was the only one for him, but everyone knew that could change at the drop of the hat. It was like my vibrators. I’d go on a kick for a while with one, swearing that it was the best thing ever and I only ever used that bad boy for the rest of my life. Then, I started online shopping and found a new contraption to try, and low and behold a new favorite toy. It’s like a brand spanking new adventure for my vagina every time an Amazon box showed up at a different tour stop. Thankfully, no one had the nerve to open the boxes; otherwise my wholesome cover would be blown.

  Laughing out loud at my ‘wholesome’ thought, I slid the scissors into my newest arrival, The Dolphin.

  “Hey Molly? Stephanie is on the phone something about a stay over in Midland tonight?” Megan said from the other side of the black curtain.

  Quickly stuffing the package behind me, I instantly sulked at the thought of waiting to try out the new beast. I don’t know why I decided to open it, considering I couldn’t take the new boy for a spin until later anyhow. Such a tease for my poor, lonely, sad vagina. I needed the real thing, and preferably attached to a man named Reid Chambers.

  “Uh Molly?”

  “Sorry.” Quickly, I snatched the curtain back and reached for the phone. “Hi Steph.”

  “So, no hurry tonight after the show. I know you guys were planning on getting right over to Austin, but take the night off and relax,” Stephanie said on the other end of the line.

  “We have two radio stints in the morning though.”

  “Well, have Megan reschedule them.”

  “Really, Stephanie, we are fine with getting on the road,” I rambled quickly.

  “Nonsense. Have fun,” she said in a sing-song kind of voice. “Talk with you soon.”

  Before I could utter another word, the call ended and I was left sitting in my bunk staring at Megan in wonder. No one was burnt out on the tour yet, and I was making sure there were plenty of activities for the guys to do in the down time to keep them entertained and happy. I wasn’t on the verge of another break down, so canceling the radio spots tomorrow and having the evening free before heading out in the morning just didn’t sit well with me.

  “Everything okay?” Megan asked, raising her eyebrows in question.

  “Stephanie wants you to reschedule the radio interviews tomorrow morning. I guess we are staying the night in Midland.” I shrugged, unfolding myself from the small bottom bunk.

  “Should I make arrangements for a hotel tonight then?”

  “Yeah, I guess……….” I started to reply as my phone chirped. Grabbing it from the bed, I opened my email and noticed a hotel confirmation number sent from Stephanie. “I guess not, Megan; Stephanie just emailed me confirmation codes.” Giving Megan a half smile, I straightened out my tank top and side stepped around Megan to let the guys know of the change of plans tonight.

  “Uh…………Molly?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You might want to close the box or the curtain,” Megan said with a small laugh, pointing to my new vibrator out in the open for everyone to see.

  “Fuck.”

  “Hey guys,” I called out while walking up to the front of the bus. Eric and Jeremy were working on their guitars while Chance and Brantley were focused in on whatever killing game was on the Xbox. “So we are staying over tonight after the concert. Megan is working on rescheduling the radio promos for the next morning since we are already in Austin for the night.”

  “Does that mean we can go out tonight?” Chance asked as he paused the game.

  “Tonight will be about taking some quiet time and relaxing. There will be no strippers, booze, prostitutes, groupies, escorts, or models for that matter. Just a nice relaxing evening, got it?” Glancing around the small bus, I made eye contact with each of the members, stopping a little longer at Chance to make sure he got what I was saying.

  “So, we could have just normal girls then.” Chance winked, letting the ends of his lips curl up in a smart ass smile.

  “No girls, Chance.”

  “I guess I’ll have to settle for you then, Molly.”

  “I’ve taken up a vow of celibacy, but thanks for thinking of me,” I replied in a deadpan tone. There would be no way I would ever get naked with him, and even more so now that he had the plague all over his damn body.

  “Looks like Molly is going to need another pack of batteries tonight,” Brantley snickered, leaning acro
ss the small isle to high five Eric like the immature bastards they were.

  “Just for that comment, you two dicks can share a room.” I snarled, glaring at the two assholes.

  “Did you forget that Ashley was joining us for a couple days, starting tonight?” Brantley remarked, letting that stupid smile of his grace his face.

  “Uh…………..nope. Didn’t forget at all,” I muttered, glancing over at Megan with large eyes. How in the hell did I forget about Brantley’s wife? You would think that I could remember something like that, considering the douche waffle of a man cheated on his gorgeous wife with me not so long ago and no one had the balls to say anything to either of them about it.

  “I already have your hotel room booked for you and Ashley, Brantley. How many days is she joining us for again?” Megan butted in, quickly taking the reins from my otherwise jumbled thought process.

  “She is meeting us tonight in Midland and staying until Kansas.”

  “Great,” I muffled quietly. With my luck, the woman would find out that I slept with her husband on several occasions and now we were one big happy fucking messed up Brady Bunch family. Why was life so cruel at times? I know I deserved it for messing around with a married man, but fuck. The Karma gods should have at least given me some credit for not knowing that Brantley was an elitist-crotch-goblin, who preyed on the innocent and weak.

  “Once again, Molly. I am going to offer up my services if you haven’t had the time to get some new batteries,” Chance laughed again, pouting his lips while grabbing his crotch.

  “Does everyone know about my vibrator collection?” I demanded, glancing around at all four of them.

  “Well, we know that you get shipments every couple days, and Chance was the one who opened the package last week. We just put two and two together with your obsession on buying batteries,” Jeremy managed to say with a straight face.

  Instantly, my jaw dropped at the announcement of my not so hidden secret. “It was just that one package,” I stammered.

  “Is that the one that was buzzing two weeks ago?” Eric snickered.

  “I hate you all,” I roared, stomping my way back to the end of the bus.

  “Does that mean a no go sharing a room?” Chance yelled after me.

  “I fucking hate you!” Laughter filled the front of the bus as I locked myself in the small bathroom. Of all things the guys could have found out about, my vibrator collection was not something I was ready to share just yet. Well played, Karma gods, well played.

  The concert hall was completely packed. Not even scalpers had tickets for the shows, and those vultures seemed to get their hands on just about anything to sell. Having watched Brantley and his wife’s joyfully sickening reunion earlier backstage made me a little bitter for the rest of the evening. It wasn’t that I had feelings for that man anymore; but I hated to see him happy. I really wanted to rip out his heart and feed it to the lions, make him feel the pain I felt that night back at the airport hangar. It wasn’t jealously that seeped from my pores; it was sheer disgust for a man that could have something so magical and special when he royally screwed me over. No matter how many nice acts I did for the world, I always seemed to manage to pick the short stick. Sure, I had Reid now. We had been texting back and forth the last couple of days, though we never had the time to connect vocally. It was like, here; let me tease your mind and body with these short words, but that is all you are ever going to get.

  “Universe, you win,” I shouted at the ceiling, slamming the folding chair down behind a table.

  “You having issues, there Molly,” Brantley joked as he walked into the room.

  “How’s your wife?” I bit back, snarling at his stupid grin plastered on his stupid face.

  “Hit a sore spot there?” Brantley said while holding his hands up in surrender.

  “I can’t believe you had the balls to say that.”

  “Well, you know all about my balls there, Molly.”

  “Gross.” I sighed, unfolding another chair and sliding it under the table. “How in the world can you be so charming and nice one moment, then a complete jerkface the next? At least with the other guys I can predict the comments that will leave their mouths, but with you, it’s a fricken’ mystery.”

  “Molly, I don’t say things like that to hurt you; it’s just a joke,” Brantley apologizes as he reaches for the chairs to help.

  “Well, Brantley, that just isn’t how I always take it,” I grumbled, stopping to pause and look at the man. One would think I could get over something like that swiftly, move on with the amazing man in my life now. However, maybe I was just a glutton for punishment and dragged things out longer than they should be.

  “Give Ashley a chance, Molly. I bet you’ll really like her,” Brantley called out while leaving the room.

  Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of.

  Waiting in the back of the room, as security filed the two hundred girls like cattle waiting to be branded, I glanced over to the far wall and caught Ashley smiling at me. Like a deer caught in the headlights, I panicked when our eyes connected. I couldn’t just look away, that would be rude and hostile, and so I forced a perfect fake smile and a small head nod. That was a good enough gesture, right?

  “Fuck, of course she is going to come over here now,” I mumbled to myself, quickly averting my gaze at anything but her.

  “Hi Molly,” her thick southern accent slid out as she took up next to me on the wall.

  “Hi Ashley. How is your evening going?”

  “Oh, darling, it’s so nice to be around everyone again,” she drawled, flashing me a sweet as sin smile that could melt even an ice queen’s heart.

  Nodding my head, I forced my eyes down to my clipboard, pretending to read something important as she watched the guys do their thing with the fans. Why in the world did this woman have to look like a freaking Texas state beauty queen? My mother would have loved this girl in pageants. Perfectly sun-kissed skin, long legs, small frame, fabulously shiny blonde hair that curled in all the right places and even bounced when she fucking walked. Not to mention the fact that they had a daughter only ten months ago and this woman didn’t even look like she had birthed the kid. Yep, perfect southern house wife that had to have sold her soul to the devil himself to look that good.

  “I like your shoes,” Ashley commented, glancing down at my bright red ballet flats.

  “I like yours, too,” I said back quickly before even glancing at what she had on her feet.

  “Thanks, but I bet yours are way more comfortable than mine,” she giggled, lifting her right foot off the ground and shaking her sparkly stiletto gently.

  Of course she was wearing hooker heels, women like that didn’t wear flats. I could count on one hand the number of times I saw my mother in flats. “Women wear heels, Molly Anne. Otherwise your feet will look ugly,” my mother always squawked whenever we went shoe shopping. Of course I had never really mastered the art of wearing heels, but could fumble my way through a short evening if need be.

  “Yeah, I like my flats,” I commented, offering Ashley a genuine smile; silently thinking her feet must hurt like a bitch by the end of the night and getting some sort of sick enjoyment out of watching the woman suffer. I was so going to hell.

  Chapter 18

  Does a waterproof vibrator create tidal waves?

  “Great show, guys,” I cheered as they exited the stage and flowed into the hallway. The band had really created magic on this tour, and night after night they delivered a solid show to the fans. It was something I was really proud to be a part of. Tours like this don’t happen that often, if only once in a blue moon.

  “Hookers and booze,” a sweaty Chance yelled while stripping his nasty t-shirt off and tossing it at a roadie.

  “No hookers, but you can drink in your room if you want,” I reminded him, making sure to keep a safe distance between us.

  “Don’t be such a cock block, Molly,” Chance teased, inching his way closer to me.

  �
��Don’t you dare,” I threatened, narrowing my eyes at him.

  “I got them. Why don’t you take a taxi over to the hotel?” Megan said while stepping between us.

  Giving Megan a weird look, I was completely puzzled on why everyone was commenting on me getting to the hotel. I had already checked my appearance a gazillion times to make sure I didn’t look like death or on the verge of a break down. Not only had Megan mentioned it twice now, but Danielle couldn’t stop fussing with my clothing and even Stephanie sent me a text stating she hoped I enjoyed the time off tonight. Technically, I wasn’t off the clock since I was still in charge here.

  “I’m fine, Megan.”

  “Seriously, can you just get to the hotel?” she said with a sigh, rolling her eyes slowly at me.

  “Why is everyone so keen on getting rid of me tonight? What type of diabolical plans do you all have that start once I shut my hotel room door?” Glancing around at the crowd milling in the hallway, some people had completely clueless looks, while others you knew were dying to spill the beans. “Just tell me, damn it.”

  “Molly Anne McGlenister! Get your scrawny blonde ass into a cab and get over to the hotel. I’m done listening to your excuses on why you have to stay. Megan has things under control, so go. Look, I even packed your overnight bag with clothes, extra batteries, and your new vibrator. Go give that bad boy a test ride; I packed you extra lube just in case!” Danielle shouted down the hallway as she walked toward us.

  “Danielle,” I shrieked, my eyes expanded like damn saucers as my face flushed a bright shade of red. Did she really just announce to everyone that I bought a new vibrator? Megan snatched the clipboard from my hand just as Danielle was about to drop the bag into it.

  “I love you, but get the fuck out of here,” she said with a smirk, planting a wet kiss to the side of my cheek. Looking around the small group once more, I glared at both Danielle and Megan before pushing my way between Eric and Jeremy both standing there with Cheshire cat grins. Of course they would find it amusing that Danielle announced to everyone that I had a new sex toy.