Yoga and the Path of the Urban Mystic

by Darren Main

  Chapter Four

  The Yoga of Relationships

  “Selfish action imprisons the world. Act selflessly, without any thought of personal profit.”

  —The Bhagavad Gita 3:9

  The New Karma Yoga

  The bodies of living beings are created by their good and bad deeds; action is born of the body. Thus the [wheel] turns.

  —Gheranda Samhita 1:6

  Traditionally a yogi would renounce the world and live a cloistered, solitary life. Some yogis would live in a community setting such as an ashram or monastery. Others would live as hermits or take a vow of silence. Whatever the case, they were not socialites by any measure. This is perhaps the biggest difference between the mystics of years past and the newly emerging urban mystics of our times. We are living full-fledged social lives. We are still participating in human relationships that range from romance to casual acquaintances.

  As urban mystics we have the challenging task of turning those relationships into a spiritual practice in and of themselves. For most people, the ego dominates the realm of relationships. We oftentimes relate to others out of fear, to fill an internal void, or to survive. These are all traits of the ego.

  In order to use our relationships in a new way, we need to shift control over to the Sadguru so that our relationships are based on love, shared abundance and the desire to express our innate wholeness. In doing this we are able to turn every encounter with another being into a yoga pose of sorts, and relating to each other becomes as much a part of our spiritual practice as sitting to meditate. [The “inner guru” or Sadguru is explained in Chapter 3.]

  The Ego Projection and Karma Yoga

  Strive constantly to serve the welfare of the world; by devotion to selfless work one attains the supreme goal of life. Do your work always with the welfare of others in mind.

  —The Bhagavad Gita 3:19

  In Chapter 1 we explored the concept of the ego—the belief that an individual is small and finite. Because this concept is so totally insane and illogical, the ego needs to spend vast amounts of energy to keep us from looking at the obvious, and nowhere is this more evident than in the realm of human relationships.

  All of our relationships, from the passing conversations with the cashier at the supermarket to the lifetime relationships we form with children, parents, friends, and romantic partners, have the potential of being based on ego or on Spirit. Karma yoga is the practice of stepping back and deciding to relate to any given person in a new way that is less ego-based and more spiritual. In doing this we are able to see the Truth [see Chapter 5 (yamas)] in that person, while simultaneously seeing it in ourselves.

  From the moment we meet people we start to tell a story about them and create an ego that we then project onto them. Sometimes their egos will agree with our ego projections. When this happens things run somewhat smoothly. At other times, the ego we project onto them will conflict with their own ego identity, in which case the relationship will experience strain and turmoil. In either case these egos we create for other people are not who they are. Atman exists within all beings, and when we project an ego onto an individual, we deny ourselves the ability to see that Light.

  Oftentimes complete strangers will come up to me and ask if I am an artist or a surfer because of my long hair. Without knowing anything about me, they assume things about me based on their past experience with men who have long hair. In fact, I am not an artist or a surfer—at least not in the traditional sense. These are fairly harmless stereotypes, and they certainly don’t bother me. There are worse things to be called than an artist or a surfer, but is it is a very simple example of how we begin to tell a story about people without first getting to know them. This goes way beyond getting to know the facets of a person’s life. The stories we tell about the people we ‘know’ well, such as family and friends, usually run much deeper and often are much harder to let go. This is why our parents can be among the hardest people to forgive.

  The reason we project an ego onto everyone we meet is quite simple. In order for people to maintain the belief in their own egos, they need everyone else to be in agreement. This doesn’t mean we have to agree on external things. Having a nemesis can be just as ego defining as having a friend. Look at the number of people in Israel who live as if being a Jew were defined by not being Arab, or vice versa. To our egos, it doesn’t matter if we say, “I love you” or “I hate you,” as long as we focus on the words and the stories, rather than quieting the mind for long enough to see through that illusion to the spark of the divine within.

  To practice karma yoga, we enter into service to our brothers and sisters. The form this service takes is irrelevant, as long as the intention behind that service is to give love rather than fill an ego need. This is an essential distinction because most of us enter into relationships with the desire to get. This can be true even if our intentions seem genuine and the other person or people benefit in some way from the generosity. In karma yoga, we seek to relate to people while seeing them for who they are—Atman. This can be a very difficult practice because it is so tempting to fall back into the old patterns of projection and making up stories. If we can refrain from this constant projection, we free ourselves and offer others an invitation to freedom as well.

  One of the ways I feel drawn to practice karma yoga is by taking time to chat with homeless folks. In San Francisco, there is no shortage of people living on the street, and I have become friendly with several of the regulars on Castro Street. I will oftentimes pick up a few cups of coffee or tea and sit down on the side of the road to chat. It never fails to be a growth-filled experience.

  On one occasion, I sat down with my friend Daniel. He looked a bit depressed, so I asked him what was going on. He told me that he was having a hard time being a good Christian, because several people that day had been unfriendly toward him. I asked him to explain how that made him less of a Christian.

  “I’ve read the Bible, and it says that I am made in the image of God, but it is so hard to remember that when everyone just steps over you and treats you like dirt. When people do that, it is hard to love them because I forget that we are neighbors.”

  Although I thought I was sitting down to be nice to Daniel, it was Daniel giving me the gift that day. Karma yoga seems to be about helping other people, but is more like a cosmic Easter egg hunt in which Spirit has hidden pieces of wisdom and moments of clarity in places right in front of us. By taking the time to talk with Daniel that day, I was reminded of who I am and what I am called to be in this life. If I had not taken the time to sit with Daniel, I would have passed by a very special Easter egg.

  When we practice karma yoga, we consciously try to dissolve the ego we are projecting and seek to uncover the Atman within. To do this we practice seva, or self-less service. [Seva is a Sanskrit word that means selfless service. More than just nice acts, it is the practice of giving without a desire for personal gain on any level.] There is no one right way to practice seva. For one person it may mean working with the homeless; for another, it may be volunteering with children. There are countless areas of need in our world, and all of us are called to do our part. The need we seek to fill is not as important as filling it with love.

  There is a Sufi story [Sufism is the mystical branch of Islam] about a mystic who was walking down the street to a temple to pray and meditate. On his way there he passed the homeless, the infirm and the hungry. When he arrived at the temple and began to pray, he called out to God and asked, “Why have you not done something to ease all this suffering?”

  From the depth of his soul, a voice responded, “ I did do something, I created you.”

  When we practice karma yoga, we become a part of the solution, rather than contributing to or ignoring the problem. Through our practice of seva, we realize that there is really only one problem—a lack of love based on a false identity. We also begin to understand that there is really only one solution, though it may take many forms. That solution is, of course,
love.

  Practicing karma yoga is much more than just doing nice things. It is a very honorable thing to feed the hungry or to work with the mentally ill, but it becomes a spiritual practice when it is done from a place of love and compassion. It is karma yoga only when we infuse action with compassion and clarity of perception.

  Mother Teresa, one of the greatest karma yogis of modern time, was once asked if she ever got depressed by the fact that she would never succeed in healing all the lepers. Without a thought she replied, “I am not called to succeed, I am called to love.”

  At its highest expression karma yoga is not about acts of love, but rather about learning to love whoever is in front of you in the moment, regardless of their social status, behavior, words or actions. Like a hatha yoga practice, some poses will be harder than others. Learning to love small children may be easy for you, while learning to see Atman in the death row inmate may be much harder. In time, though, even the toughest poses can be mastered, and the most difficult ego projections can be withdrawn. It is this that allows us to experience the oneness of life.

  The Yoga of Intimate Relationships

  Every selfless act, Arjuna, is born from Brahman, the eternal, infinite Godhead. He is present in every act of service.

  —The Bhagavad Gita 3:15

  It is one thing to make lofty statements such as, “We are all children of God.” It is quite another thing to experience all people as children of God. For the longest time I found it easy to be loving and peaceful with complete strangers, but every time I had interactions with my father, I would leave angry. Keeping people at arm’s length makes it easy to love, but taking the time to get to know someone well is where the real practice begins.

  One day I was practicing yoga at home. I was having a nice practice and enjoying all the poses. Then it occurred to me that the reason I was enjoying the practice so much was because I was picking all the poses that came easily to me. While this practice felt great and certainly worked to open me up, it was not the most transformational practice because I had unconsciously avoided all the poses that were really difficult.

  True transformation in a yoga practice comes from doing the poses we resist, while at the same time working to change the mind about the experience. Relationships are no different. It is easy to love the people who are nice to you, and it is certainly good to do that, but if we really want to grow, we need to look at the relationships that are difficult and strained. In these relationships we need to practice the principles of karma yoga with added attention, because it is here that real progress can be made.

  Parents

  For most of us our first relationship is with our parents. They are our first contact in this world, so it would be almost impossible not to have a relationship with them. Because our impressions of our parents start at birth, or perhaps earlier, it is likely that we will have vast misconceptions about them.

  Of course, not everybody will have the same experience with his or her parents. Some people will experience very supportive parents who will make mistakes from time to time, but will convey an overall message of love and support. Others will be born to parents who are largely absent on some or all levels. Still others will be born to abusive situations.

  Regardless of the way our parents acted and the messages that were given, as modern yogis we have only one primary function, and that is forgiveness. It is doubtful that we will escape childhood without placing a bunch of ego projections on our parents. Some may be positive and others negative in nature, but all these projections need to be let go in order to grow spiritually.

  When I was in high school, it would drive me nuts that my friends would see my parents as being cool, while I was embarrassed to be seen with them. My parents could push me over the top in under a minute. But even though I wished my parents would crawl under a rock, I would fly into a rage if anyone criticized or made an off-color comment about either of them. It goes without saying that I had some serious ego projections with regard to my mother and father. These projections were not rational and they often conflicted with each other. They denied me a truly intimate relationship with either of them and seemed to spill over into my other relationships as well. As I began to apply the principles of yoga to my relationship with each of them, I noticed a few important changes. First, they were not as bad as I thought. Of course they have their struggles in life—as we all do—but they are not the monsters that I once thought they were. I have also found that my love for both of them has begun to assert itself, and I have stopped placing so many conditions on that love.

  I was part of the generation that grew up on The Brady Bunch. As I sat and watched this show each night while my mother made dinner, I started to recognize a stark contrast between the way Mike and Carol Brady interacted with each other and their children and the way my family functioned. For years I held bitterness toward my parents for not being more like Mike and Carol Brady. When I finally stopped projecting the Brady Bunch dynamic onto them, I started to see them in a clearer light. As a matter of fact, I am grateful to have the parents I have. The family portrayed in the Brady Bunch was about as synthetic as the fake grass in their back yard. Growing up in a family like that would have been a real disaster.

  To apply the practice of yoga to the relationship with parents, it is important to recognize that much of what we see in our parents is, in fact, not there. Once we recognize this we can begin to withdraw that ego projection and see them less and less as ‘parents’ and more and more as individuals. This is not easy, of course, because we have been projecting onto our parents longer than we’ve been projecting onto anyone else. Even though this is a difficult process, it is very important because the relationship we have with our parents becomes the templates where we build most of our other relationships. Once we withdraw the projections we have about our parents, our other relationships begin to heal as well.

  Children

  I can still hear my mother saying, “You are a reflection on me!” in one of her tirades, which were usually inspired by my behavior in high school. I always thought this was an odd statement, and I still tease her about it today, but many parents feel this way. They see their children as extensions of themselves rather than as individuals. When a person has or adopts a child, the temptation to project an ego onto that being is extremely great. This is why the ultimate spiritual practice is to be a conscious parent. It is one of the most difficult things in the world to allow yourself to be loving and supportive while recognizing that this being, your child, is not a possession.

  A few years back my friend Jasper was visiting with his son, Bodhi. At the time, Bodhi was four years old. One of the things that impressed me most about Jasper was his commitment to conscious parenting. While they were visiting, Bodhi and his father were wrestling and having fun until Bodhi twisted his arm. At first it seemed to be no big deal, but as a few more hours passed, his arm continued to hurt. It became apparent that he needed to see a doctor. Like many of us, Bodhi was not too keen about going to the emergency room. Rather than just make him go, kicking and screaming, Jasper sat him down and let him know that he had a choice. He gave him information and encouragement and helped him to muster up his courage. Seeing his son in pain was not easy for Jasper, and the temptation to take control and fix the immediate problem must have been great, but by letting Bodhi have a voice, Jasper helped him to find his own source of courage and strength.

  While we were in the emergency room, another set of parents were bringing their daughter in. It was not clear exactly what had happened, but it appeared as if the little girl had fallen and needed stitches for a cut she had above her eye. The little girl was understandably frightened, but rather than empower her and let her have a voice, her mother responded to her protests with, “You’re going to see a doctor and that’s the end of it.” Her mother meant well, of course, but in her fear, she was not able to let her daughter work through her own fears.

  Conscious parenting is a fulltime practice. There is not
a moment when part of the mind is not reaching out to the child. Reaching out to a child and offering love and support can be done without ego projection, however. As hard as this seems, it is the key to being a conscious parent.

  Applying the principles of yoga to one’s children is not easy because it means constantly letting go of control in the place where it is most tempting to cling and hold. Clinging to a child will not serve them and will only prevent the parent from seeing the unique beauty in that being. While a parent is bonded with the child in such a way that love is inevitable, it is not a given that they see the child truly. In fact, that bond can be so strong that it makes it more difficult to see clearly. It is like pressing your face up against the TV and trying to see a meaningful image.

  Therefore, the parent has the unique challenge of maintaining that sacred and intimate bond while at the same time stepping back and seeing things as they are. This can be a very difficult practice, but in my observations, it is the best path available to an urban mystic.

  Lovers

  One of my longtime students, Rudy, had not been around for a while, and I began to wonder what had happened. He was very committed to his yoga practice and had come faithfully every day, so it was odd that I had not seen him. Eventually I bumped into him on the street and he told me that he had met a great guy, fallen in love, and the relationship was taking up a lot of his time. He had that foolish look of infatuation in his eyes that made me realize he was high on puppy love. Most of us know the feeling. It is a wonderful (and awesome) time when the whole world seems to be a bit brighter and you can’t help but smile. While it is wonderful, it’s a terrible time to make decisions of any importance. It is at this point that a spiritual practice is most needed to bring some clarity and groundedness to the relationship. Unfortunately this is the time when most people do what Rudy did. They stop practicing altogether.