Dear, Carson McDermott (The Dear letters Series Book 1)

by King Ellie

  I slowly and carefully slid into my hoodie. I sat down on the bench trying to put my socks and sneakers on. Katerina kneeled in between my legs making my mind think of pulling my dick out and shoving it down her throat. I shut my eyes not wanting to do this. I tried to focus on the ugliest thing I could think of. How she left me high and dry, but my mind completely ignored that as it brought up an image I hadn’t thought about in a long time.

  She was pregnant at the time, maybe about six to seven months and she was dancing, moving her body to Craving you by Thomas Rhett. She looked so damn cute and sexy that I ended up fucking her on our counter. I made sure to of course feed her after that.

  The sting caused my body to return to the now. I hissed as I opened my eyes. Katerina was now sitting on the floor Indian style as she tended to my knuckles. I tried to snatch my hand away, but she held firm.

  “I’m fine. I’ve been doin’ this without you. I don’ need you,” I said like a petulant child.

  This time, when I tried to snatch my hand away. Katerina looked up at me with anger in her eyes.

  “Well, now I’m here. You’re not going to be doing this without me anymore, Bubba.” She replied.

  I hadn’t really heard my name on her lips, so it shocked me a little bit. I frowned,

  “don’t say my name.” I spat.

  She huffed. Now, she rolled her eyes at me. She grabbed another cotton from the first aid kit soaked it in alcohol and pressed hard on my knuckles. I sharply inhaled.

  “I’ll say your name if I want to, Carson.”

  I almost whimpered at the way my name sounded on her tongue. It was beautiful but I held my composure. She must’ve known what it did to me because she smirked as she continued tending to my hand before going to the other one. After a moment of silence, I knew it was time.

  “We need to talk,” I said as she bandaged up my hand.

  Katerina paused.

  “About what?”

  “About why you thought it was okay to leave me when you gave me your word.”

  Katerina glanced up at me. It was time we acted like the adults that we’ve grown to be. Not just for our sake but for the sake of what we lost, for Jude.

  ****

  Throughout the entire ride, Katerina was silent. I looked out the passenger’s side of the window as she drove us back to my house. I didn’t feel like telling her the directions, so I turned my GPS on. Lana Dey Rey played softly in the background as I laid my head on the window. I sighed not able to hold back anymore,

  “Why’d you do it?” I asked. I shut my eyes not ready but ready to hear her answers.

  “I,” she started. She cleared her throat. “I think we should talk about this when we get home.”

  I should’ve objected but I didn’t. I let her slip of the tongue go. She didn’t have a choice anyway; her home was where I was now. Whether she came willingly or not. She was my prisoner and it would always be this way. I was her home.

  “Whatever,” I replied. I shut my eyes waiting for this dreaded talk, but it needed to be had.

  When we got back, neither of us said a word yet we found ourselves in my living room. I sat in the furthest part of the dark brown leather couch. I shut my eyes wishing that we could go back to a time where I could lay my head on her lap and she’d run her fingers through my hair. I gritted my teeth as thoughts of us two infiltrated my mind, the pain, the sadness and most of all, the happiness. I hated happiness the most because I couldn’t stop that. I couldn’t hide that side of us in my memory. The way that I would smile at her when she told me something funny or the way that I would give her that knowing look when it came to me wanting to explore her body as if it were an all you can eat buffet.

  “I left because you wanted me to,” Katerina’s voice infiltrated my mind, but I refused to talk. This time, I would listen before I reacted. I owed it to Jude, “you told me to.”

  I opened my eyes,

  “What?” I questioned. I heard her loud and clear, but I was hoping she said something else.

  “You told me to leave,” she calmly said. Her eyes began watering. “You stood in front of me and told me that you couldn’t do this. You couldn’t bear the pain. It was too much that it ate you up at night and you couldn’t sleep by me.”

  I remember those exact words and I meant every word but not in the way that she thought I meant them.

  “and you think I fuckin’ meant for you to go?” I inhaled deeply and exhaled. I couldn’t get pissed at her, I needed to understand.

  I counted backward from ten until I reached one.

  “Yes!” Katerina stood from her position on the floor near the doorway. She walked to stand in front of me, “when someone says they can’t bear the sight of you, that’s what it means. It means they want you to disappear.”

  I gritted my teeth, what the fuck was she talking about?

  “What the hell are you on about now?” I could hear my voice getting louder. “When have I ever said I couldn’ stand the sight of ya? Huh! That never came out of my mouth.”

  Tears slipped passed, betraying her will to control them. She swiped at them angrily.

  “Don’t you fucking patronize me, Carson!” She raised her voice.

  I don’t know why but I stood, I didn’t like that she was all up in my space, yet I was sitting.

  “How am I patronizing you huh? I fuckin’ asked ya what made ya leave and all you could say is I told ya to. When have I ever said those words ta ya? Think Katerina, Think!” I pointed to my head a little too hard.

  She glared at me,

  “I’m not stupid Carson, I heard you loud and clear. Those words were yours, not mine.”

  I growled,

  “Fuck this and fuck you Kat!” I spat.

  I turned to walk away but she ran faster stopping in front of me. She was angry now, her eyes full of untapped fury.

  “Fuck me?” Her eyes widened. “No, fuck you. You fucking country boy. Fuck your country ass and your warped mentality. You don’t get to ask me a motherfucking question and then turn around to walk away from me. How about you be an adult about your shit?”

  On a different day, I’d find this amusing but today, she didn’t get that pass.

  “Fuck my country ass huh?” I smirked knowing it was none other than the devilish one. The one most of my opponents saw before I took them out.

  “Well, this country ass boy was the same one who opened up to you about how he felt towards him losing his son. The same one who watched you divert your line of sight every time he was in the room. No matter where the fuck I went, the moment we made eye contact, you’d look away. You say I told you to leave but I begged you to stay. I sat there pouring my heart out to you about how much it hurt to lose my son. How hard it was to wake up every day knowing I couldn’t hear his Lil’ laughs. I couldn’ take bein’ in that house. Every fuckin’ thing reminded me of Jude. I tol’ you it was hard to sleep by you because of you! You made it hard, you pushed me away. How could I stand the sight of ya when you’d barely look at me and when you did, it was like ya wanted nothin’ to do wit’ me. Fuck!”

  Now, I was livid.

  She had me trying to fight my tears because the memory of Jude still hurt until this day. Does she know how hard it was for me to even mention his name the first year? I spent all his death anniversaries by myself. His birthdays made me get blackout drunk. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t communicate with anyone because the memories of him calling me daddy, wanting to learn how to surf like I had when I was with my grandparents, and even playing his little song over and over, caused me to drown myself in alcohol. I couldn’t even see my son’s face one last time when he passed. We had to have a closed casket funeral because… Fuck. I couldn’t think about it. I needed to not go down that route. Please, dear God. Make it stop.

  Katerina’s face was filled with confusion. She reached out for me, but I backed up.

  “But,” she said in a voice so small, I didn’t know if she spoke at first. “You sai
d, it was too much that it ate you up at night and you couldn’t sleep by me. Anyone would’ve thought you told them to go. I thought you hated me for losing our son. For not being able to protect him.” She swiped at another tear, this time so rough, I wanted to warn her not to mar her beautiful skin.

  I shook my head, hurt that she would ever interpret what I said to this. She should’ve talked to me, asked me what I meant.

  “I didn’ . . .” I started then I changed my wording. “No. I still don’ blame ya for Jude’s death,” her eyes widened as tears escaped my lids. I sniffled wiping them and looking up at the ceiling to gain some composure.

  I cleared my throat as I looked at her again, “Jude was our son. He didn’t deserve what he got but I can never blame you for what happened to him. You loved him just as much as I did. When I said it was too much, I meant not having him there. It ate me up at night to not see his Lil’ face. I couldn’ sleep by you cus’ I felt like I failed the both of you. You were also hurt in that car accident, it changed you for forever. It tainted your life and whenever I would come into the room to pull you close to me, you’d move out of my arms. You did this in your sleep so much, I moved to the couch to give you what you needed. Time and space.”

  I poured my heart out like a fucking fool again.

  “I,” Katerina began to speak.

  I couldn’t handle it; I shook my head.

  “I can’t, I jus’ fuckin’ can’t, Kat.” I backed up turning away from her this time, happy that she didn’t follow me but also disappointed. Which didn’t make any sense because I was supposed to still hate her.

  Chapter 12

  Katerina

  I was glad we got to talking or should I call it an argument? Carson was so hurt, and I saw his pain so visibly, much more than I had ever seen. I shouldn’t have left; I knew this now and I felt like it was time I made it right. I should’ve talked to him about it all, yet I think deep down inside I was afraid. I was terrified that he would reject me and tell me exactly what my mind was conjuring up but now, as I sat here in the living room by myself, I knew that was wrong. This was what I always said I would never do. I said I would never leave him nor doubt him, but I did.

  I sighed as I picked up my cell and dialed my mother. She picked up on the third ring,

  “Mama?”

  “You okay? Munchkin, what’s wrong? Do you need me to get on the next flight?”

  This made me smile yet sad because I alienated them all. The people who loved me and I knew it was wrong, but I was ashamed. I was lost and hurting.

  “No, you don’t need to do that. I just, I wanted to talk to you. I know that I may not be your best friend anymore, but I still consider you mine. I-,” I was cut off by her.

  “You are my best friend Katerina. That will never change no matter what. I want you to remember that. Now, talk to me. I have all the time in the world, I wasn’t there for you for seven years and I don’t want to ever do that again. I want to always be there for you, please let me.”

  My mother’s tone made me wish she was in front of me so I could hug her for a long time.

  “I love you mom,” I said to her.

  “I love you too, my munchkin,” She replied, and I knew wherever she was sitting, she was smiling.

  I took a deep breath,

  “I messed up mama. Like really bad. I was thrown in a very awful situation. One that caused me excruciating pain. The kind of pain I wouldn’t ever wish on my worst enemy and you know what hurts, is that I let go of the only person I had left that made sense to me in this cruel world. I was drowning in sorrows not just for myself but for Carson as well. I wanted to take on more than I could bear. I wanted to take his pain along with mine but in doing so, I didn’t give him the comfort he needed. I let him think that I didn’t want him anymore, mommy. I drove him away because I thought he didn’t want me. I read his good and selfless deeds as warnings to go. To just get away from him,”

  I shouldn’t have but I sobbed this time. Speaking it out loud made things so much worse.

  “Seven years, ma! I left him all alone for seven years. I let him sit there and hate me because I couldn’t communicate with him. I just couldn’t say the words instead I made them a burden. Jesus Christ! I don’t take all the blame, but I do admit my faults. I just wish he would let me hug him, let me take him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am. How much I loved him and that every waking day I thought of him, he’s saved me in more ways than he even knows right now.”

  Mom didn’t say anything at first but then she sniffled, I knew she was crying along with me. I knew she heard the pain in my voice, in my words. The regret that overtook everything else.

  “I’ve got one question for you, baby,” She said. “Are you listening?”

  “Yes,” I sniffled.

  “Do you still love him? Do you love Bubba?”

  My chest ached at the thought of not loving him anymore.

  “I love him so much mom that I would allow him to look at me with eyes full of hate and I won’t ever leave him again. None of that matters to me mama, only him. Leaving him again would make me stupid,” I chuckled bitterly realizing I was stupid the first time. “You know what’s crazy? He can say whatever that comes out of his mouth, but I guarantee you, the truth is in his eyes. The way they are so expressive, the way he watches me and lets me know how much I hurt him. I know this is bad, but I love him even more for that. Am I out of my mind, mama?”

  Mom sighed on the other end.

  “My lovely daughter, Katerina, you have grown. I knew that you guys would end up together but this, this is something else. I never thought you guys would love so hard and because of that, I have to tell you something but before I do, I want you to know that there is no such thing as being out of your mind when you want to be with the person that makes everything else go quiet. Yes, unfortunately, you left but sometimes, even the best and most amazing people leave. I know that it hurt him but who knows if it would’ve been worse had you stayed, I get that you and Carson are different people now, but I know that boy and I know you. No matter how much you deny that you love each other, the love shines so brightly. Give him time, everything heals with time, Baby.”

  I was grateful for my mom’s advice.

  “Thank you, mama. I’m so glad that I called you,” I told her honestly.

  “I’m so glad you called me too,” she replied. “Now, what I’m going to tell you is definitely going to alter things for you and Carson, not in a negative light but something you should’ve known a long time ago.”

  My interest piqued as I quieted down to listen to her.

  “What is it?” I asked.

  “It’s about those two nights he didn’t show up at home.”

  ****

  After getting off the phone with my mother, I made my way up the stairs to where Carson was asleep. I moved closer until I stood over him on the bed, he was knocked out. His hair was out of his face, so I got to see it clearly. I didn’t even stop my hand as it reached out touching his face. I traced over his bushy brows, his Greek-like nose, his long eyelashes, I let the softness of his beard tickle the tips of my fingers and lastly, my fingers lingered on his lips.

  “I’m sorry,” I started. “I should’ve known what happened when you didn’t show up those two nights.”

  Carson stirred but didn’t wake. Mom told me that Carson had stayed at Jude’s tombstone those nights and day. Dad had been the one to find him and sat there with him both nights. Mom said Carson didn’t lash out or anything, he just sat there in silence. Sometimes, tears would escape from his eyes, but he wouldn’t cry out loud. He just sat there taking it in that his son was gone from him. Mom told me what Carson had said to Dad; that he didn’t want to ever make me feel like it was my fault. He wanted me to stop crying in my sleep, to be able to just eat and breathe. To smile one more time but one thing he yearned for was for me to look at him again. To not hide from him because he couldn’t do this without me.

  Shit. I was a
fucking dummy. I slid into bed, positioning myself in front of him. I slipped one arm under his head, the other I wrapped around his neck. I laid my head on his shoulder. Pressing a soft kiss on it, I spoke,

  “I should’ve looked at you in the eyes, Bubba. I should’ve given you the one thing you wanted, needed most from me. I’m so sorry.”

  I didn’t realize he heard me as he pulled back. I shut my eyes tight, trying to pretend like this rejection didn’t hurt as much as the last one did. I had to be tougher than this. I couldn’t give up on him like this. Carson interrupted my thoughts,

  “give it to me,” he said. It was less of asking and more commanding, but my eyes opened, nonetheless.

  I gazed into his eyes as his was filled with intensity.

  “You know I can’t let you go right?” I said to him.

  “I don’ trust you anymore, darlin’,” he said. I knew the term of endearment was a slip of the tongue, but I didn’t care. I took it.

  I nodded,

  “I know.”

  I felt as he began to pull away so I did the only thing I could think of. I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. I shut my eyes. I thought the demons were gone but they bared their teeth at me as it seemed like Carson took his protection from me. Please… Don’t let go. I whispered in my mind afraid that if I said it out loud, I knew Carson understood as he sighed, I didn’t have to say a word. He wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me close to his body. He buried his face into my neck and fell back asleep. He didn’t see the smile that was on my face. He didn’t trust me, but I was going to make sure he could trust me again. We deserved to be happy, seven years of misinterpretation, miscommunication and other bullshit would have to kiss my ass.

  ****

  Carson

  I would be a liar if I said it didn’t feel good to have Katerina in my arms again but as good as it felt, I didn’t want to sucker myself into thinking this was a safe bet. I was a man and I didn’t have any problem admitting that I treaded carefully ever since she disappeared out of my life the first time.