Dear, Carson McDermott (The Dear letters Series Book 1)

by King Ellie

  Carson began walking towards me, every step he took, I felt it in my chest. It was heavy and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing as finally, Carson placed Jude in my arms. The moment I held him, I wrapped my arms around him and released a sob that I never knew I could. I held him so close to my heart. There was no other way to describe this but gut-wrenching. I felt like my soul had just been placed back into my body without me begging for it back. Everything that I could ever want was here. I didn’t even hear Carson until he held both me and Jude in his arms.

  I knew more people joined us by the gasps, but I couldn’t see or wonder about them.

  “Jude,” I cried out. “My baby, Jude. My whole heart.” I cried.

  I felt him stirring. I moved his curls out of his face as I kissed his forehead and his hair. My son was here. I cried so much when I lost him, and I wished to never feel that loss again.

  ****

  I refused to go to sleep in my bed without Jude. I couldn’t let him go. I don’t know how tired he was, but he didn’t stir even as I balled my eyes out. I held him so close to me not even knowing when I slept. Carson told me that my family was here and so was my father-in-law. I wanted to see them, but I couldn’t leave Jude. I refused to let him go a second time. I don’t know how long I was asleep unfortunately that sleep didn’t last as I was awakened by a blood curling scream. My body jolted awake, I looked around to see where that was coming from.

  It was coming from Jude. He was having a nightmare. He was screaming as though someone was hurting him. Carson ran into the room so fast; I didn’t even realize he wasn’t in there. He quickly climbed on the bed.

  “Jude, Jude,” Carson called out to Jude as he gently pulled his hair back.

  Jude woke up but he must’ve still been in a daze because he gasped. He scrambled as if trying to run away from someone in front of him. The spot he was in became wet and I knew he pissed his pants.

  “I’m sorry, please, don’ hit me,” he whispered as he got into the fetal position.

  My heart dropped. I swear everything in me hurt in a way that I couldn’t properly convey. My child was traumatized.

  “What do we do?” I faced Carson. He nodded as if knowing what Jude would need right now.

  “Shhh,” Carson said to Jude. Carson didn’t care about anything as he laid down where Jude was in the fetal position. He wrapped his arm around our son. He smoothed the curls from his face. “You’re okay, Jude. You’re not there anymore.”

  I laid down facing Jude, I placed my palm on his cheek. Softly rubbing my thumb over his features. Features that I’ve missed.

  “You’re safe,” I said to him and from the sound of my voice, Jude opened his eyes. “I love you, Jude. I’ll always love you.” I said to him.

  Those amber eyes that I thought I’d never get to see ever again, were staring right at me now. He watched me with such uncertainty. I didn’t blame him. We were supposed to protect him, but we didn’t. We didn’t know and I would forever cherish this child of mine. I will forever protect him from any harm. I wanted him to know that I loved him with everything I had in me.

  Carson began humming Jude’s favorite lullaby. It must’ve triggered something in Jude because he began to cry. I have never wished to heal someone as much as I wished to heal Jude. I wanted to take all his sorrow away. All the pain that he has endured, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Carson continued to run his hands through Jude’s hair to soothe him. I wasn’t going to tell Jude to not cry it out, he deserved this moment to know that we were never going to return him to those demons. They didn’t deserve to live, and I smiled because I knew their days were numbered.

  I sighed as I eyed both my boys. The two that I yearned for. After looking at Jude, I peered up at Carson,

  “I’m going to get the bath ready for him, okay?”

  Carson shut his eyes and opened them again,

  “okay.”

  I could tell he was thinking about the pain that he endured. Pain that he should’ve been able to forget as a young child, but he could never. I didn’t know what to even say to Jude. He was ten years old, he endured pain for seven years with those sick fucks. I wanted to hug him and erase everything. He didn’t deserve this.

  ****

  Carson

  I brought Jude to the bath that Katerina set up for him. I still held him close to me not wanting to let go for fear that this still wasn’t real. I reluctantly set him down and I turned to walk away giving him privacy.

  “Can you stay with me?” He asked.

  I quickly turned to face him,

  “Oh! Uh, yeah. I’ll just hang back on the sink counter until you’re done.” I said to him.

  He nodded as he began discarding his clothing. I sharply inhaled as I saw the markings of a fresh whooping. My hands shook as I crossed my arms. I didn’t want to react or make him uncomfortable but his whole back and the back of his legs were covered in bruises. Some were old and others were fresh. Jude didn’t flinch or say anything as he got in the bear claw tub. I watched as he sunk all the way in, luckily, this was one of Beau’s houses, so the tub accommodated him. He dipped his head under the water, I didn’t move or say a thing as he stayed there for longer than a minute but then he came back up.

  “I just,” I squeezed my eyes shut. It pained me to ask my child this, but I had to. “I need to know, did they ever, have they ever touched you?”

  “No, they didn’.” He answered and I let my breath go a little too prematurely because he wasn’t finished talking. “I never gave em’ a chance to. I learned to lock my door after the first nigh’ he busted in there drunk off his mind. He looked at me like he wanted to say or do somethin’ but…”

  When Jude paused, I swear my heart stopped as well. My entire world froze, was I even breathing right now? I opened my eyes the same time that Jude turned to face me, his eyes were sad, and I knew he was afraid. I let a breath out. I had to be strong for him, I needed him to know that I was never going to make him feel unsafe. I uncrossed my arms, holding onto the sink instead.

  “I want you to know somethin’, Jude. You will forever be safe. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t protect you before. I’m sorry that I wasn’ there when you needed me most. I should’ve searched for you and never gave up. For that, I will forever be at fault. I just hope that you forgive me one day for failing as your father.”

  Jude quickly wiped the tears on his face. As he did that, I noticed a scar on his chest. It started from his collarbone stopping right above his left ribs. I opened my mouth to ask him about it, but he continued what he was saying,

  “Sometimes,” He started as he looked down. His face was covered by his shoulder-length curls, he was hiding from me as if he were ashamed. “when I would forget to lock my door, PawPaw would come in all piss drunk when he didn’ get what he needed from his brother, like drugs or whatever he dabbled in. He’d never touch me, but he’d wake me up then stand over my bed and ya know? He’d keep eye contact with me through the whole thin’ and I couldn’t’ look away because I learnt my lesson the first time I did that.”

  I wanted to control my anger so bad, but I was losing sight of everything in front of me. I heard a crack on the sink, and I knew it was me that did it. I just couldn’t feel the pain. I held on to the sink so hard that I cracked it. I knew my own strength that’s why I always held back but I couldn’t do this anymore. My child had been subjected to such filth, so much perversion at his young age when he didn’t ask for it. That sick motherfucker and his disgusting witch of a wife had the nerve to kidnap my child and do this to him? They scarred my son and I couldn’t think of what I would do to them. Would I hang them upside down and stab them repeatedly? Or would I chop Ricardo’s dick off and feed it to him inch by inch? Maybe I’d let him gag on it then I’d cut his insides out while he was still breathing. I didn’t know but something was going to happen.

  As for the woman who birthed me. Fuck her. She watched my son get destroyed just like how she did me. I was con
sidering burying her alive in the woods but not making it too deep so that way any animal that passes by can dig her up and eat her while she’s still trying to not die.

  The confessions of Jude triggered a memory that I buried so deep within me that I never thought would resurface. That fucker, Ricardo did the same thing to me, but I was too young to understand what was going on. It never registered in my mind what was going on so I blocked it out but now, I couldn’t help it as my knees began to buckle but I held on. I was not going to make my son feel like I didn’t care about what he had to say. I knew how hard this was for him, I didn’t even know how I was going to tell his mother all this.

  “I’m so sorry, my son. I’m sorry for all that you’ve endured. I just wish I could’ve done somethin’, I ju-,” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because I did the only right thing I knew how.

  I did what my father once did for me when I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t remember the man that used to be in the nightmares that I used to have as a child so I would cry telling my dad that someone was in my room. Someone was hovering over me, but I could never see his face and now I knew why.

  I quickly got into the bathtub pulling my child into my arms as I cried for both of us. I kissed the top of his hair. No one would ever get to hurt him again. No one.

  “Daddy?” he called out to me and I hugged him tighter for trusting me already.

  “Yes, Jude?” I answered, so proud to hear my little boy call me dad once more.

  “I forgive you. I don’ know exactly what happened but I trust you. I knew deep down in my heart you woulda taken me with you when I called you. I have a confession,” he said.

  “Yeah?” I said as I began rocking him, not caring about anything but the fact that I could hold him.

  “I was runnin’ away to go to California, I was goin’ to the school that you played football in and hopin’ they’d give me your home address or somethin’.”

  In the midst of all, I chuckled.

  “That’s smart. I love you, Jude. I want you to know that. You don’ really know me so I don’ expect you to say it but I want you to know that. Your mother and I love you and we will never hurt you.”

  “Thank you. Thank you for being at that mall and thank you for being my father. I know my mother won’t hurt me. I can see it in her eyes, how hurt she is. She’s been through a lot, hasn’t she?”

  “Shit, kid… wait, don’t say that. Don’t even tell your mother you heard me say it in front of you.” I shook my head.

  For the second time ever, I heard Jude laugh. My broken soul was being placed back together. The part of me, the void that I felt like would never be filled, was slowly but surely being filled again.

  Chapter 19

  Katerina

  After we changed the sheets on the bed, Carson and I took Jude to another guest room. I laid on the bed with Jude until he fell asleep or so I thought.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Jude asked. He faced me.

  I smiled at him, my sweet boy. I smoothed his hair that he put up in a ponytail after his bath.

  “Yes, ask me whatever you want.”

  “Are you,” he hesitated. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded,

  “now I am. Seeing you, being able to even hold you, is something I never thought I’d get again. You mean the world to me. When I lost you, everything in me was gone. I know I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but without you, me and your father lost ourselves.” I caressed his cheek with my hand, and he leaned into it just like his father did. “I will forever be grateful for you coming back to me, Jude. I don’t think my soul would’ve ever been whole. I tried though. Well, me and your father are trying and now, I know why we had to come back together because we had to be whole for you.”

  “Please, don’ cry,” he said to me as he leaned in and pulled me into his arms.

  I didn’t even notice that I was crying but when he held me in those arms of his, my heart hurt in such a way that was unexplainable.

  “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for everything. For not finding you in time. I’m so sorry, Jude, please don’t hate me, please.” I begged. Those demons that I thought were gone for good came back full force. Weak. Unworthy mother. You don’t deserve this or redemption. Look what you let happen to your child. Fucking idiot. You don’t get to be a mother to him or anyone else. You should’ve offed yourself while you had the chance. Wait! You still have that chance, go. GO! DO IT NOW! NOW!

  “Shhh,” Jude said, soothing me as he rubbed my back. “There, there. I don’ hate ya. How can I ever hate such a pretty mama? I use’ ta pray that my mama was real pretty an’ ya know what, it’s true.” He said.

  I chuckled,

  “Thank you, Jude,” I said.

  “Course,” he replied.

  “I’m supposed to be the parent here, not the other way around,” I lightly chuckled.

  Jude joined in and my heart, my soul and finally the demons quieted. This time, I didn’t only have my dark angel, but I had my little guardian angel who would protect me from it all. As long as I had them, I didn’t need anything else.

  “Can I call you mama?” Jude asked me after a moment of silence.

  I nodded,

  “I would never refuse for you to call me that. Whenever you’re ready, there’s no rush, Jude.”

  He held me tighter in his arms and I did too.

  “Okay, mama.” He answered me.

  I would never let go again.

  ****

  I, unfortunately, couldn’t sleep, I watched my son sleep in my arms, not wanting to leave him alone but I had to check on Carson. I knew something was wrong when he couldn’t look at me in the eye. After I found him fully clothed and wet in the tub holding our son, I knew Jude told him something. Something that was making Carson close up. I kissed Jude’s forehead,

  “I’ll be right back, baby,” I promised Jude.

  I slowly went downstairs, making sure not to disturb everyone. My entire family and my father in law were all camped out in the living room, the other rooms and I passed by Cross and Beau who were sharpening their tools. As I walked towards the basement, I met up with Uncle Mike, he had opted out of the suit ensemble that he wore all the time as the don of the DiMaggio Mafia. His grandfather passed it down to him and he transitioned in the role pretty well. I gave him a weak smile, he cupped my face in his large hands,

  “Are you okay, munchkin?”

  I nodded.

  “I think so,” I answered honestly. “I just wish this was all over. I just want to take my son home. That’s all.”

  He planted a kiss on my forehead,

  “It is over. If we’re all here, it only means one thing. It’s over.”

  “You’re right. Thank you for being here. I love you.”

  He smiled at me pulling me in for a hug.

  “I’ll always love you more, munchkin.”

  I absorbed his warmth as much as I could, but I knew I had to go find my husband.

  “Have you seen, Bubba?” I asked.

  We got out of our embrace. He nodded towards the basement.

  “He’s down there. He’s been at the punching bag nonstop ever since he came downstairs. I mean, all the hours you spent upstairs with Jude when you were putting him to bed, he hasn’t stopped hitting the bag. Talk to him yeah? Tell him to rest so he can have a fresh mind.”

  I sharply nodded.

  I smiled at Uncle Mike as I made my way to the basement. When I got there, I was fascinated by all the weapons that Beau had in here. The collection was great, and this wasn’t just any basement. There was so much space in here, but I guess, it made sense since Beau’s house was huge enough for my family to be here as well. I turned towards the noise and I saw as a shirtless Carson continuously went at it with the punching bag. This wouldn’t be a problem if he had any boxing gloves on, but he wasn’t wearing any. The bandages that I used to treat his knuckles before were now bleeding. I slowly made my way to him; I couldn’t sneak
up on him because I knew that he would react, and I really didn’t feel like being punched in the face.

  “Bubba…” I called out to him, but he didn’t flinch at that. “Carson? Baby?” At this, he stopped punching the bag.

  He turned my way and it was as though, he were stuck in some sort of haze. The faraway expression in his eyes wasn’t him. It reminded me of when I first met Auntie Kira, she had that same look whenever she thought no one was looking her way and she would zone out. It was an expression of such hurt, rage and other things mixed in there.

  “Why?” Carson asked me.

  I tilted my head, unable to understand what he was getting at.

  “What happened, Bubba? You can tell me.”

  He started advancing towards me and then he stopped, he shook his head.

  “No, I can’t tell anybody. I can’t.” He said.

  Carson shocked me as he began hitting the side of his head. I moved closer to him but froze because I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to call his dad or if I had to stay here.

  “Carson, please stop. You’re hurting yourself.”

  He shut his eyes, tight.

  “Why won’t it stop playing over and over in my head? Why is he there? WHY DID HE DO THAT TO ME? TO MY SON!” He yelled and I knew everyone in the house heard him.

  I heard footsteps as someone, or rather multiple people came down the stairs. I felt as someone pulled me back, it was Beau. But I wanted to go to Carson, I tried to get out of his arms, yet he wouldn’t relent. Carson continuously hit the sides of his head now with both hands. It was like he was trapped in a loop that he couldn’t get out of. His father slowly got closer to him,