Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

by Harriet Lerner

  Unlike the “bitches” among us, who are doomed to lose popularity contests—if not our jobs—“nice ladies” are rewarded by society. The personal costs, however, are very high and affect every aspect of our emotional and intellectual life. “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” becomes the unconscious rule for those of us who must deny the awareness and expression of our anger. The “evil” that we must avoid includes any number of thoughts, feelings, and actions that might bring us into open conflict, or even disagreement, with important others. To obey this rule, we must become sleepwalkers. We must not see clearly, think precisely, or remember freely. The amount of creative, intellectual, and sexual energy that is trapped by this need to repress anger and remain unaware of its sources is simply incalculable.

  The “Bitchy” Woman

  Those of us who are “bitches” are not shy about getting angry and stating our differences. However, in a society that does not particularly value angry women, this puts us in danger of earning one or another of those labels that serve as a warning to silence us when we threaten others, especially men. Like the word “unfeminine” but even more so, these labels may have the power either to shock us into silence, or to further inflame us by intensifying our feelings of injustice and powerlessness. In the latter case, a label like “castrating bitch” can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

  But this is only part of the story. The negative words and images that depict women who do speak out are more than just cruel sexist stereotypes; they also hint at a painful reality. Words like “nagging,” “complaining,” and “bitching” are words of helplessness and powerlessness, which do not imply even the possibility of change. They are words that reflect the “stuck” position that characterizes our lives when a great deal of emotion is flying around and nothing is really changing.

  When we vent our anger ineffectively, we can easily get locked into a self-perpetuating, downward cycle of behavior. We do have something to be angry about, but our complaints are not clearly voiced and we may elicit other people’s disapproval instead of their sympathy. This only increases our sense of bitterness and injustice; yet, all the while, the actual issues go unidentified. On top of that, we may become a prime scapegoat for men who dread female anger and for women who wish to avoid their own.

  Obviously it requires courage to know when we are angry and to let others hear about it. The problem occurs when we get stuck in a pattern of ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming that only preserves the status quo. When this happens, we unwittingly protect others at our own expense. On the one hand, an angry woman is threatening. When we voice our anger ineffectively, however— without clarity, direction, and control—it may, in the end, be reassuring to others. We allow ourselves to be written off and we provide others with an excuse not to take us seriously and hear what we are saying. In fact, we even help others to stay calm. Have you ever watched another person get cooler, calmer, and more intellectual as you became more infuriated and “hysterical”? Here the nature of our fighting or angry accusations may actually allow the other person to get off the hook.

  Those of us who fight ineffectively are usually caught up in unsuccessful efforts to change a person who does not want to change. When our attempts to change the other person’s beliefs, feelings, reactions, or behaviors do not work, we may then continue to do more of the same, reacting in predictable, patterned ways that only escalate the very problems we complain about. We may be so driven by emotionality that we do not reflect on our options for behaving differently or even believe that new options are possible. Thus, our fighting protects the old familiar patterns in our relationships as surely as does the silence of “nice ladies.”

  We have all had firsthand experience with both of these self-defeating and self-perpetuating behavior patterns. Indeed, “nice ladies” and “bitches” are simply two sides of the same coin, despite their radically different appearance. After all is said and done—or not said and done—the outcome is the same: We are left feeling helpless and powerless. We do not feel in control of the quality and direction of our lives. Our sense of dignity and self-esteem suffers because we have not effectively clarified and addressed the real issues at hand. And nothing changes.

  Most of us have received little help in learning to use our anger to clarify and strengthen ourselves and our relationships. Instead, our lessons have encouraged us to fear anger excessively, to deny it entirely, to displace it onto inappropriate targets, or to turn it against ourselves. We learn to deny that there is any cause for anger, to close our eyes to its true sources, or to vent anger ineffectively, in a manner that only maintains rather than challenges, the status quo. Let us begin to unlearn these things so that we can use our “anger energy” in the service of our own dignity and growth.

  THE ROAD AHEAD

  This book is designed to help women move away from styles of managing anger that do not work for us in the long run. These include silent submission, ineffective fighting and blaming, and emotional distancing. My task is to provide the reader with the insight and practical skills to stop behaving in our old predictable ways and begin to use anger to clarify a new position in significant relationships.

  What Is the Focus of This Book? Because the subject of anger touches on every aspect of our lives, I have made some choices. In order to avoid writing an unmanageably fat volume, I have decided to focus largely, although not exclusively, on the family. We know our greatest anger, as well as our deepest love, in our roles as daughters, sisters, lovers, wives, and mothers. Family relationships are the most influential in our lives, and the most difficult. It is here that closeness often leads to “stuckness,” and our efforts to change things only lead to more of the same. When we can learn to use our anger energy to get unstuck in our closest and stickiest relationships, we will begin to move with greater clarity, control, and calm in every relationship we are in, be it with a friend, a co-worker, or the corner grocer. Issues that go unaddressed with members of our first family only fuel our fires in other relationships.

  What Is the Scope of This Book? I have written this book specifically with the goal that it be useful. I have sacrificed theory, no matter how interesting, if I did not think that it had a clear, practical application to the real lives of real women. Yet, in the process of writing about anger, I found that I not only had to narrow my subject; I also had to broaden it. The reader should be forewarned that this book does not lay out rules on “how to do it” in ten easy steps. This is because the ability to use anger as a tool for change requires that we gain a deeper understanding and knowledge of how relationships operate.

  Thus, we will be looking at the ways in which we betray and sacrifice the self in order to preserve harmony with others (“de-selfing”); we will be exploring the delicate balance between individuality (the “I”) and togetherness (the “we”) in relationships; we will be examining some of the roles and rules that define our lives and serve to elicit our deepest anger while forbidding its expression; we will be analyzing how relationships get stuck and how they can get unstuck. We will see how close relationships are akin to circular dances, in which the behavior of each partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other. In a nutshell, we can learn how to use our anger as a starting point to change patterns rather than blame people.

  How Does One Make Use of This Book? Very slowly. No matter how crazy or self-defeating our current behavior appears to be, it exists for a reason and may serve a positive and protective function for ourselves or others. If we want to change, it is important to do so slowly so that we have the opportunity to observe and test out the impact of one small but significant change on a relationship system. If we get ambitious and try to change too much too fast, we may not change at all. Instead, we may stir up so much anxiety and emotional intensity within ourselves and others as to eventually reinstate old patterns and behaviors. Or we may end up hastily cutting off from an important relationship, which is not necessarily a good solution.

  T
his book will be most useful if you read it all. Don’t skip the discussions about children because you don’t have kids, or the chapter on husbands because you are single or divorced. What is important is the relationship patterns that I will describe. The specific partners are less the issue than the form of the dance and how it works. Remember that each chapter contains information that has relevance for any relationship that you are in. As you read, you can generalize to other settings and relationships, and the exercise of doing so is a useful one.

  In order to use our anger as a tool for change in relationships, we will be learning to develop and sharpen our skills in four areas:

  1. We Can Learn to Tune In to the True Sources of Our Anger and Clarify Where We Stand. “What about the situation makes me angry?” “What is the real issue here?” “What do I think and feel?” “What do I want to accomplish?” “Who is responsible for what?” “What, specifically, do I want to change?” “What are the things I will and will not do?” These may seem like simple questions, but we will see later just how complex they can be. It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about. We may be putting our anger energy into trying to change or control a person who does not want to change, rather than putting that same energy into getting clear about our own position and choices. This is especially true in our closest relationships, where, if we do not learn to use our anger first to clarify our own thoughts, feelings, priorities, and choices, we can easily get trapped in endless cycles of fighting and blaming that go nowhere. Managing anger effectively goes hand in hand with developing a clearer “I” and becoming a better expert on the self.

  2. We Can Learn Communication Skills. This will maximize the chances that we will be heard and that conflicts and differences will be negotiated. On the one hand, there may be nothing wrong with venting our anger spontaneously, as we feel it, and without intervening thought and deliberation. There are circumstances in which this is helpful and those in which it is simply necessary—that is, if we are not abusive in doing so. Many times, however, blowing up or fighting may offer temporary relief, but when the storm passes, we find that nothing has really changed. Further, there are certain relationships in which maintaining a calm, nonblaming position is essential in order for lasting change to occur.

  3. We Can Learn to Observe and Interrupt Nonproductive Patterns of Interaction. Communicating clearly and effectively is difficult even in the best of circumstances. When we are angry, it is more difficult still. It is hardly possible to be self-observant or flexible in the midst of a tornado. When emotions are high, we can learn to calm down and stand back a bit in order to sort out the part we play in the interactions that we complain about.

  Learning to observe and change our part in relationship patterns goes hand in hand with an increased sense of personal responsibility in every relationship that we are in. By “responsibility,” I do not mean self-blame or the labeling of ourselves as the “cause” of the problem. Rather, I speak here of “response-ability”—that is, the ability to observe ourselves and others in interaction and to respond to a familiar situation in a new and different way. We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.

  4. We Can Learn to Anticipate and Deal with Countermoves or “Change back!” Reactions from Others. Each of us belongs to larger groups or systems that have some investment in our staying exactly the same as we are now. If we begin to change our old patterns of silence or vagueness or ineffective fighting and blaming, we will inevitably meet with a strong resistance or countermove. This “Change back!” reaction will come both from inside our own selves and from significant others around us. We will see how it is those closest to us who often have the greatest investment in our staying the same, despite whatever criticisms and complaints they may openly voice. We also resist the very changes that we seek. This resistance to change, like the will to change, is a natural and universal aspect of all human systems.

  In the chapters that follow, we will be taking a close look at the strong anxiety that inevitably is aroused when we begin to use our anger to define our own selves and the terms of our own lives more clearly. Some of us are able to start out being clear in our communications and firm in our resolve to change, only to back down in the face of another person’s defensiveness or attempts to disqualify what we are saying. If we are serious about change, we can learn to anticipate and manage the anxiety and guilt evoked in us in response to the countermoves or “Change back!” reactions of others. More difficult still is acknowledging that part of our inner selves that fears and resists change.

  For now, let me say that it is never easy to move away from silent submission or ineffective fighting toward a calm but firm assertion of who we are, where we stand, what we want, and what is and is not acceptable to us. Our anxiety about clarifying what we think and how we feel may be greatest in our most important relationships. As we become truly clear and direct, other people may become just as clear and direct about their own thoughts and feelings or about the fact that they are not going to change. When we accept these realities, we may have some painful choices to make: Do we choose to stay in a particular relationship or situation? Do we choose to leave? Do we stay and try to do something different ourselves? If so, what? These are not easy questions to answer or even to think about.

  In the short run, it is sometimes simpler to continue with our old familiar ways, even when personal experience has shown them to be less than effective. In the long run, however, there is much to be gained by putting the lessons of this book into practice. Not only can we acquire new ways of managing old angers; we can also gain a clearer and stronger “I” and, with it, the capacity for a more intimate and gratifying “we.” Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self. This book is about having both.

  OLD MOVES, NEW MOVES, AND COUNTERMOVES

  The evening before my workshop on anger was scheduled to take place, a woman named Barbara telephoned me at home to cancel her registration. In a voice that conveyed both resentment and distress, she told me the following:

  “I so much wanted to come to your workshop, but my husband put his foot down. I fought with him until I was blue in the face, but he won’t let me come.”

  “What was his objection?” I inquired.

  “You!” she said. “He said that you were a radical women’s libber and that the workshop was not worth the money. I told him that you were a well-known psychologist and that the workshop would certainly be very good. I’m sure the workshop is worth the money, but I couldn’t convince him of that. ‘No’ was his final word.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said.

  “Yes, so am I,” she continued. “And I’ve had a terrible headache since then and a good cry. But I did put up quite a fight. In fact, my husband even agreed that I could use some kind of help with my anger because I behaved so badly.”

  I hung up the telephone and thought about the brief conversation that had just taken place. Clearly, this woman did not have to cancel her registration to the workshop. She could have chosen to do otherwise. She could not, however, have chosen to do otherwise without consequences. Perhaps the consequence that she feared was the loss of her most important relationship.

  What is your reaction to the telephone conversation?

  Do you think . . .

  “Her husband is a real chauvinist!”

  Or . . .

  “What an insecure and frightened man.”

  Do you think . . .

  “I feel sorry for this poor woman.”

  Or . . .

  “This masochistic woman could sure use psychotherapy.”

  Or . . .

  “Why didn’t she pick herself up and go to the workshop!”

  Do you think . . .

  “He is to blame. How can he do this to her!”

  Or . . .
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br />   “She is to blame. How can she allow him to make decisions about her life!”

  Or . . .

  “Society is to blame. How sad it is that we teach men to do this and teach women to take it.”

  Do you think . . .

  “She is upset because her husband won’t let her go to the workshop.”

  Or . . .

  “She is upset because she is giving in.”

  Do you think . . .

  “I can see myself in her.”

  Or . . .

  “I can’t relate to this at all.”

  We may each have our own personal reaction to what Barbara says. Many of us will not want to identify with her story. Yet, what she does, and how she feels, is far from outdated or unique: