Tell Me It's Real

by TJ Klune

  The lock clicked. The door opened. Shirtless Vince stood before me, droplets of water on his chest and shoulders. I stared as a single drop of water clung to the bar through his nipple. I wanted to taste it. My pajama pants were slung low on his waist. He had that totally hot V thing that buff guys have going on right above the waistband. But I could also see the bruising on his back and sides, spreading more than it’d been at the hospital. The colors were also darker—blues, greens, and purples. His skin was rife with darkening colors.

  “I’m minty fresh,” he told me with a smile.

  “How… how about that,” I muttered. “Does it hurt?” I pointed at the bruises.

  He turned slowly so I could see how far they spread on his back, along with shallow scrapes and gashes along his shoulder blades where he’d landed on the ground. “Fuck,” I said succinctly. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  He shrugged. “Wasn’t your fault,” he said. “I should have watched where I was going.” He took a step forward and started to crowd me. I took a step back, flustered yet again.

  “I made up the guest room for you,” I said, looking at my feet, double chin be damned. I pointed to the door behind me. Then I said the rest as I’d planned. It came out in a rush. “I have to go to work in the morning, but you can stay here if you want and I can take you home when I get off work, it’s no big deal, okay with me.”

  He hesitated. “You sure?”

  I nodded, refusing to meet his eyes. “Yeah. Unless you have somewhere to be? Or unless you want to go home. Maybe you do. I don’t know. I just thought you’d like to sleep in or something. Or maybe I can just come home at lunch and take you then. It doesn’t matter to me, so whatever you want to—”

  “Paul.”

  “Yeah?”

  I felt a hand on my chin and he lifted up my face. Before I knew what was happening, minty lips brushed against mine, just a scrape before they were gone. “That sounds okay. Thank you for taking care of me.”

  My face was red yet again. “I did hit you, after all,” I said apologetically, my face still in his hands. I couldn’t take the closeness to him anymore without doing something stupid, so I stepped away and moved down the hall. “Good night,” I said without turning around. I closed my bedroom door behind me.

  And, of course, two hours later, I was still wide awake as I stared up at the ceiling, cursing my own lameness, wondering at what point in my life my testicles had been removed. “I’m a eunuch,” I muttered. “I’m a hairless, no-balled eunuch. I should put up missing posters to see if anyone can return my manhood. Because it’s gone. It’s lost. I am a walking vagina.”

  There was a knock at my door. Wheels lifted his head. I watched the door warily. “Yeah?”

  “Paul? You awake?” He sounded nervous. Odd.

  “Probably why I said ‘yeah.’”

  “Oh yeah. Can I come in?”

  I sighed and stared at the ceiling. “Okay.”

  The door opened, and he stood in the doorway. My eyes were adjusted to the dark, and I could see him scratching his stomach, looking everywhere except at me. “Everything all right?” I asked him.

  He shrugged but still wouldn’t look at me. “Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered.

  “Do you need the muscle relaxers again?”

  He shook his head. “Don’t like feeling fuzzy. It doesn’t hurt too much. Shower helped.”

  “Oh. Okay. So… what’s up?”

  He sighed. “I….” He stopped and rubbed his hands over his face. “Look, I usually don’t sleep very well, okay? Never have.”

  “You slept fine earlier today,” I reminded him. “Though it was probably just the drugs.”

  He nodded and started gnawing on his thumbnail. “Wasn’t just that,” he mumbled.

  “Well, what was it?”

  “It was you,” he said defiantly, as if expecting me to contradict him.

  “Me?” I squeaked and then coughed. “Me?” I said again, my voice far deeper, sounding like I was doing an impression of Darth Vader. I wanted to tell Vince I was his father, but I didn’t think we were quite up to role-playing yet.

  “Yeah.”

  I considered his words. “So… you’re saying I put you to sleep. That’s… comforting.”

  He scowled at me. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

  “What?”

  “Twist my words. Make it something they’re not. Make you sound bad. Stop it.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said, feeling properly rebuked.

  “Oh, I like that.” He grinned, waggling his eyebrows at me, some of his smugness returning. Then it faded almost immediately. “I just… I think I sleep better. You know. With you.”

  Oh, man. What a fucking line. That’s so not going to work on me.

  I waited.

  He squirmed.

  I sighed… and lifted up the comforter on my bed.

  He looked relieved as he walked over and climbed into the bed, lying on his side to avoid putting any pressure on his back. And so he could look straight at me.

  “You’re used to getting your way, aren’t you?” I asked, bemused. Wheels took the opportunity to drag himself between us, where he laid down with a mighty huff.

  Vince shrugged. “I guess. That’s not what this is about, though.”

  “Oh? Then what is it about?”

  “Sleep, Paul. I’m not going to have sex with you tonight, so stop asking.”

  I was too speechless to think of anything coherent to say in retort. By the time my brain started functioning again, he sighed that happy sound and closed his eyes. But before he drifted off completely, he reached out and grabbed my hand, curling it into his own. And then he slept.

  6) Vince Likes To Send Text Messages and Go Through My Shit

  What r u doing?

  Who is this?

  U can’t tell? How disappointing

  You spell out disappointing but you can’t spell out the word “you”?

  U text like u talk. That’s special

  I don’t remember giving you my number, Vince

  Ha! U DO know who this is. Oh happy day!

  What can I say; I’m psychic

  So

  ??

  What r u doing?

  Working

  Guess what I’m doing?

  What?

  Going thru ur stuff

  What?!?! Vince!! PERSONAL SPACE

  U have a lot of movies

  I like movies

  Yeah, and they’re all action movies

  So? What’s wrong with that?

  Nothing. I just thought u’d have more girly stuff

  GIRLY STUFF?!?!

  Yeah. Like chick flicks. U know

  And why would you think I have chick flicks?

  Becuz. Ur Paul. Float like a butterfly, sting like a unicorn ;)

  I’m going to hit you with my car for real this time

  o_O that’s the face I’m making at u

  You don’t want to know the face I’m making at you

  Sex face? >_<

  No. Not sex face

  Blowjob face? *o*

  That looks dirty. Stop it

  I know. I’m going in ur room to look in ur drawers

  Vince! So help me God, I will hart you

  U’ll hart me? I hart u 2!

  HURT. I WILL HURT YOU

  Text threats are illegal. Look up the penal code

  That’s not a real thing

  I know. I just like saying penal. SEX FACE >_<

  I am going to tell management that you’re faking your injuries

  Nah. U won’t. What’s ur middle name?

  What the hell? Do you have ADD?

  No. Do u have SUBTRACTION? Haha, get it??

  Yes, Vince. I get it

  I need my own TV show

  No one would watch it

  Middle name?

  James

  So ur Paul James Auster? That’s pretty hot

  No, it’s not. What is yours?

  U’ll laugh
at me

  What? No I won’t

  Everyone does

  I’m not everyone, Vince

  Fine. It’s Melody

  Your name is Vincent Melody Taylor?

  Yes. Melody was my grandmother’s name. I had no choice

  I see

  Ur laughing at me, aren’t u?

  Yes. So hard. I’m going to tell everyone. Especially Tad

  Why don’t u like him? Tad’s nice

  If by nice, you mean a plague-ridden whore then yes. He’s nice

  U don’t need to be jealous. I only have eyes for u (That’s a song!)

  Oh, please. I’m not jealous (I’m well aware that’s a song)

  U have a lot of argyle socks, Paul

  I like socks. Get out of my drawers!!!

  Yeah, but u REALLY like them. Like fetish like them

  I don’t have fetishes

  U could open up an argyle sock and sex store. Call it Sock ’N Cock

  Don’t joke about that. It’s my dream. Not the cock part

  I believe u can fly. I believe u can touch the sky

  Do not threaten me with R. Kelly song lyrics. I’m offended

  He likes watersports

  I don’t want to know how you know that

  Do u?

  What?

  Like watersports?

  Are you asking me if I like to get peed on?

  Yes

  No, Vince. I don’t like to get peed on

  That’s good to know. I’ve never peed on anyone except myself in the shower

  You share way too much

  I’d pee on u if u got stung by a jellyfish

  How charming. We live in the desert

  Yeah, but when we go on vacation in Asia. They eat jellyfish there

  That’s disgusting

  U could eat one and get stung and then I’d pee in ur mouth

  You are so fucking gross. I’m not going to Asia with you

  Yeah, u will. U just don’t know it yet. Is that ur parents in the picture?

  Are you still in my room!?!?!

  Yeah. They look nice

  I guess. They’re kind of weird

  I like weird. I can’t wait to meet them

  You want to meet my parents?

  Sure. When?

  That wasn’t an invitation

  Oh

  Why?

  Why what?

  Why do you want to meet my parents?

  Because they look nice

  Vince?

  Yeah?

  Are your parents nice?

  I guess. Don’t really talk to them all that much. They’ve got better things to do

  Oh. That sucks

  Eh. It’s okay. Who needs em, right?

  Yeah. Maybe. My grandma lives in Tucson too

  Oh? That’s cool. My grandparents are all dead

  She has a homophobic parrot named Johnny Depp

  Please tell me ur not joking

  Not joking

  Paul?

  What?

  That. Is. AMAZING

  Wait until it screams that it doesn’t want you to rape it

  LOLOLOLOL

  I’M NOT JOKING

  That’s so awesome. I’ll go with u next time. I want to see it

  Uh, okay?

  Hey, what’s in this box under ur bed?

  STAY OUT OF THAT BOX!!!!!!!

  OMFG. U HAVE SEX TOYS?!?!?!?! LMAOOOOO

  VINCE!!!!!

  THIS DILDO IS HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s BLACK!!! LOLOLOL

  I hate everything about you

  Do u use these!?!?! That is so fucking hot. Grrrrr

  No. I don’t use them. I didn’t even know they were there

  Ur a liar. Here. Hold on

  What?

  Did u get that pic I just sent?

  You mean the one of you with your mouth on a black dildo?

  Yeah

  No, Vince. I didn’t

  It took u long enough to respond. U go into the bathroom and jerk it?

  NO I DIDN’T!!!

  U did too! And u know what face u made?

  Let me guess. Sex face?

  SEX FACE!! >_<

  Put the sex toys away!!!

  I did. I’m looking to see if u have a diary

  What?!?! Vince, knock it off!

  U seem like the type. I want to see if u wrote about me

  I don’t have a diary

  Dear Diary: Vince is sooooo awesome!

  I DON’T HAVE A DIARY.

  Dear Diary: I think about Vince when I use the black dildo on my butthole

  I do NOT!

  Really? Why not? I’m using it and thinking of u right now

  Shut up. You are not

  Want a pic?

  I am not having text sex with you while I am at work!!!

  So u’d have it with me when ur NOT at work? Score!

  Are you really using the dildo?

  No. Wheels and I are reading ur diary

  I DON’T HAVE A DIARY!!!!!

  Dear Diary: I hope Vince asks me out on a date. He’s so DREAMY

  You already did. I said no. And dreamy? REALLY????

  Dear Diary: Vince asked me out on a date and I said yes!!!

  Oh, you are so fucking clever

  U’ll see. U just wait.

  7) Vince Prefers the “Wear You Down” Method Of Seduction

  That night, I pulled into his apartment complex. “Here you are,” I said.

  “Here I am,” he replied. He made no move to get out of my car.

  “You sure you’ll be okay?”

  “I’ll be fine. All alone. By myself.”

  “That’s a shame.”

  “So.”

  “This is where you open the door and get out of my car.”

  “Let’s go do something tomorrow night. It’s Friday.”

  “I know what day it is.”

  “Just as friends.”

  I arched an eyebrow at him. “Just as friends?”

  He smiled and those dimples were out in full force. “Just as friends.”

  I wasn’t fooled. “You’re totally thinking in your head that it’s a date, aren’t you?”

  He nodded, not even looking remotely guilty. As a matter of fact, his smile widened.

  “Vince….”

  “One date, Paul. One date. If you hate it, I’ll never ask you out ever again.”

  “Ever?”

  “Ever.” He paused, considering. “Or until next Tuesday, whichever comes first.”

  “You think you’re so cute, don’t you?”

  “Do you think I’m cute?”

  “Fuck off,” I grumbled.

  “So?”

  I sighed. “Fine. Tomorrow.”

  Vince beamed at me and my heart skipped a couple of beats.

  “But I’m not going to have fun,” I warned him, already feeling nervous about it.

  He rolled his eyes. “Sure you will. And then I’ll get to ask you out again for a second date. And then on the date after that, you’ll show me what you do with those sex toys.” He grinned an evil grin at me.

  “Get out of my car,” I said, absolutely mortified.

  “See you tomorrow for our date,” he said, leaning forward and brushing his lips across mine before I could stop him. And then he was gone.

  Five minutes later as I drove home, I received my billionth text of the day.

  Miss u already. SEX FACE >_<

  And I smiled because it’s hard to be mad at someone who misses you when you’re apart.

  Chapter 9

  First Date Jitters: The Only Thing I’ll Be Blowing Is Chunks

  “WHY are you nervous?” Sandy asked. “You’ve already made out with him at work and at home, seen him almost naked, slept in the same bed, and spent an entire day with him in your lap. What could you possibly be nervous about?”

  “I don’t know!” I wailed, tearing through my closet trying to find that one outfit that would say, Hi, my name is Paul. I’m confident, sexy, and I a
m not sweating gross buckets under my armpits and at the back of my knees. So far, I was without any luck as every piece of clothing I put on either made me look like an obese rhinoceros or a Vietnamese hooker. Sandy said he couldn’t quite see the Vietnamese hooker, but I assured him that I looked like my name was Pham Dao Lin and I worked at a brothel called the Lotus Flower where I offered hand jobs to men with rubber glove fetishes.