Life as I Know It

by Melanie Rose

  Standing and surveying Lauren’s reflection in her full-length mirror, I groaned inwardly. It was almost lunchtime, and all I’d managed so far today was to get myself and Teddy dressed. Goodness knew when I was going to find time to make the children any lunch, especially as I felt I should spend quality time with them during their half-term break, rather than leave them watching television while I cooked and cleared away.

  I longed suddenly for the simplicity of my other life. Even though Stephen was a demanding boss and I often worked late into the evenings preparing depositions for court or searching out legal documents that could make or break a case, I enjoyed the challenge of the work. And when I went home at the end of the day I could forget all about it for a while and concentrate on my own needs, puttering around the flat, taking Frankie for a walk, or spending what was left of an evening out with Clara and our other friends.

  Smoothing the cream linen trousers I’d selected over my hips, I stood rooted before the mirror. It was still a surprise to see Lauren’s reflection looking back at me whenever I caught a glimpse of myself, and I found it hard to resist striking poses and pulling faces just to prove to myself that the image I could see had some correlation to the person I was inside.

  As I stared, fascinated, at my still very alien appearance, I thought of my own life and the dwindling group of girlfriends in my other existence. One by one they were marrying or producing babies and, apart from Clara, most of them only came on an evening out now and again. I thought back to our last night out on the town, when only three out of a group of six friends from college and work had made it, and how I’d thought their excuses of not being able to leave the new baby or get babysitters for their toddlers were a bit lame.

  Adjusting the shoulders of the lightweight sweater, I smiled ruefully at myself. I certainly understood something of those ties and obligations now. With four children waiting for me downstairs and a husband who had hardly appeared this morning, I felt almost overwhelmed by what I was starting to understand was a full-blown twenty-four-hour, seven-days-a-week task. This parenting business was totally consuming. The routine of the household never let up. If I wanted to steal a moment to myself, even to have a bath or get dressed, then the children would be bored and get into mischief, the animals would go hungry, and my husband—Lauren’s husband—might feel neglected. Worse still was the knowledge that in the course of a normal day my actions could affect the children for the rest of their lives.

  “You can do it,” I told my reflection in the mirror. “You owe it to Lauren.”

  I went downstairs to find Teddy crying again.

  “What’s the matter with him now?” I asked Sophie.

  “He tried to take the coloring pencils,” Nicole answered. “Sophie wouldn’t let him have them.”

  “Why not?” I asked, surprised.

  “He’s not allowed,” Sophie said sullenly. “You said he makes too much mess.”

  “Last time he got felt-tip pen all over the carpet,” Nicole put in. “It took Elsie ages to get it out.”

  “For goodness’ sake, this is a playroom, isn’t it?” I asked of no one in particular. I immediately forgot my intention to try to act more like I thought Lauren would and marched over to the toy cupboard, grabbed a handful of pens and a sheet of paper, and set them down in front of Teddy.

  “Here, Teddy. Draw me a picture.”

  The others looked on disapprovingly as Teddy tentatively took a pen and touched it to the paper. A look of satisfaction crossed his face, and his tongue soon protruded between his lips as he began to concentrate on the line he was making.

  I turned to the others. “Are you going to show me your pictures?”

  Toby thrust his effort into my hands and I held it up to admire it. He’d drawn a picture of his new sandbox complete with a yellow blob on wheels that I took to be his digger.

  “That’s lovely!” I said, ruffling his hair. “Would you like to go down and play with the real thing now?”

  He nodded.

  “Go and get dressed then, and put on your boots and jacket, then you can go down to the garden and play.”

  Toby scampered off and I looked at Nicole’s drawing. She’d made a picture of a creature I assumed was her guinea pig, complete with ginger forelock. It was sitting in front of a box hutch.

  “It’s great,” I told her. “I love it. You can go down with Toby and play with Ginny if you want. Don’t forget to hold her how I showed you.”

  I turned to look at Sophie’s drawing, expecting to see a black rabbit, but she’d drawn a person instead, with a big heart on the front of a blond-haired figure.

  “Who’s this?” I asked.

  “It’s you, Mum,” she said. “It’s the you after the lightning strike. The different Mummy.”

  I looked over my shoulder to check that Grant wasn’t standing there. This was just the sort of thing that might show him I was irreparably changed in some way by the accident. I forced a smile. “It’s lovely, Sophie. I really like it. In fact, all the pictures are so good, I think we should put them on the wall.”

  Sophie’s eyes grew wide.

  “But… it’ll make a mess.”

  I was about to say “hang the mess, you are children and this is a playroom,” but I caught myself in time.

  “You are absolutely right, Sophie. We won’t put them on the wall itself. I was thinking we could buy a board and pin them up on that.”

  She nodded, accepting the compromise.

  “Can I go and see Blackie now?”

  “Of course. And Sophie…?”

  “Yes?”

  “What sort of thing do you all like to eat for lunch?”

  I remembered the disaster of yesterday’s tea and hoped it would be something simple.

  She tilted her head to one side as if weighing me up, and a small smile flickered at the corner of her lips.

  “Fries with ketchup—and ice cream,” she said with a grin. “It’s our favorite.”

  While I cooked oven fries and found a bottle of ketchup to go with them, I forgot about Teddy and his picture. When I eventually wandered back into the playroom, my mouth must have actually dropped open in astonishment.

  Teddy was stretched out on the floor, his picture in front of him. As I looked at the picture from over his shoulder, I could hardly believe what I was seeing. It was a work of art.

  Kneeling down beside him, I asked him where he’d gotten the idea for his picture, but he just shrugged and kept drawing. I watched entranced as he put the finishing touches to it, then sat up and studied it critically, his head to one side.

  It was a picture of the garden. The proportions seemed perfectly correct, with the patio, lawn, and scrub area all included. He’d used a pencil as well as the pens to shade and color the picture. It was incredible that a four-year-old had produced such a masterpiece of perspective and accuracy. I sat next to him and grinned.

  “You are a talented boy, Teddy. I can see you are going to go far in this world.”

  “What nonsense are you filling his head with?” Grant asked from the doorway.

  I held the picture up so he could see it.

  “Look what Teddy has done!” I exclaimed. “It’s brilliant.”

  “I suppose it is quite good,” Grant agreed. “Did he copy it?”

  I shook my head.

  “I think it’s all his own work, just from what he’s observed.”

  “He shouldn’t be drawing on the floor, though, he’ll get felt-tip on the carpet again.”

  “The children should have a table in here where they can draw and paint and do messy things,” I countered.

  Grant recoiled at the word messy and I rolled my eyes skyward in exasperation.

  “What do they normally do all day, for heaven’s sake?”

  “I told you, the nanny takes them out. In fact, it’s time we started interviewing for a new one. The children are obviously too much for you while you’re ill.”

  “They’ll be back at school n
ext week. Is it worth getting a nanny now?”

  “How are you going to get up in time to take them to school, Lauren?” he asked bluntly. “You haven’t managed to get up until after nine for the last two mornings. They have to be at school by a quarter to nine and you’re going to have to get up at seven o’clock to get them all ready.”

  “We wouldn’t have a nanny in time for next week even if we advertised right now,” I pointed out. “Couldn’t you take them to school next week?”

  “I’m afraid that’s not possible. My first appointment arrives at eight in the morning.”

  “Didn’t you say something about my sister coming to stay?” I remembered suddenly. “Does she drive?”

  “Good Lord, I’d forgotten Karen was coming. I telephoned her when you were first taken into the hospital. She said she could take time off work next week to come and help out.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “She might do the school run for a few days if we ask her nicely. Give you a bit longer to recover your senses.”

  “What’s she like, my sister? Do we get along?”

  Grant let out an exasperated sigh, and I knew he was still struggling with the enormity of the fact that I couldn’t remember anything.

  The doorbell rang as we were contemplating each other, and I got to my feet, glad of an excuse to be out of his presence. I opened the door to find a plump woman standing on the porch. She had a very short, spiky haircut and large dangly earrings. But it was her clothes that made me stare rather rudely at her. She was wearing a pair of loose-fitting silk trousers under an enormous purple blouse, which stretched over her very ample bosom like a mini marquee.

  “Hello, sister dear,” she said, offering me her cheek. “Grant said you were at death’s door, but here you are alive and looking well. I thought I’d come and help out with the children while you were sick, but if you’d rather I went…”

  “Karen?”

  “That’s me, little sis. So you’re out of the hospital then?”

  “This is really weird—we were just talking about you.” I looked at her speculatively and she returned my gaze as I nodded. “Yes, I came out the day before yesterday, and no, I don’t want you to go.”

  “You look in remarkable health for someone who was dying a few days ago. Look, can I come in then? I’ve had a pig of a journey and I’m exhausted.”

  “Of course, I’m sorry, Karen. Come on in. You’re in time for lunch if you don’t mind oven fries and ice cream.” She stared at me incredulously, as if I’d made a huge joke, but the smile faded as she looked into my eyes.

  “You look… different,” she said, pushing past me while I closed the door. “There’s something about you… I can’t put my finger on it.”

  I was saved from my sister realizing that my eye color was slightly different by Grant’s arrival behind me. He took one look at his sister-in-law standing there and hurried over to give her a perfunctory peck on the cheek.

  “Well, speak of the devil! I thought you couldn’t get away until next week?”

  “You made it sound bloody important,” Karen said, dumping an overnight bag in the middle of the hall. “When you rang from the hospital I thought Lauren was about to meet her maker. I requested compassionate leave, and here I am.”

  I smiled at her, liking her already.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” I told her. “I don’t know if Grant told you, but I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything at all about who I am or what my life is like. I’m hoping you can fill me in.”

  Karen stared at me, her eyes almost popping from her round, friendly face.

  “Well, bugger me,” she said.

  chapter eight

  Grant took advantage of Karen’s arrival to escape with somewhat indecent haste, saying he’d take his account books into the practice to work on them there. He kissed us both, collected his briefcase and vanished to the garage.

  “No change there then,” Karen commented as she followed me into the kitchen. She stopped and sniffed the air. “Hmm, something smells good.”

  I opened the oven to see how the fries were coming along, and realized they were almost ready.

  “I’m going to call the children in for lunch,” I said, slipping on the ankle boots. “Teddy is in the playroom; you’ll never believe what he’s just drawn, Karen. He’s really talented.”

  I was aware of my sister’s astonished gaze following me as I hurried out through the utility room to the garden. I realized Karen, as her sister, must know Lauren better than anyone. They had grown up together, they would know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. And I could tell she was an intelligent woman, not someone who could be easily hogwashed.

  As I rounded the row of conifers, I stopped and caught my breath. The two girls were sitting opposite each other on the grass, their legs stretched out, feet meeting at the ankles to form a small diamond-shaped arena between their legs. In the middle, Blackie was hopping around nibbling here and there at the brown grass, and Ginny was trying to climb onto Nicole’s lap. Toby was making brrmming noises with his digger in the nearby sandbox, now filled with fine silver sand.

  Nicole glanced up and saw me watching. “Mummy! Ginny knows her name! She makes little chatting noises when I call her, watch!”

  I came and squatted down beside them while Nicole spoke to her new pet. The furry creature was trying to stick its head into her sweater.

  “They’re both lovely, and very clever,” I agreed, stroking Ginny and smiling. “But I’ve got another surprise for you. Auntie Karen is here. She’s come to visit for a few days.”

  Their eyes lit up and they both grabbed their pets and scrambled to their feet. I could tell from their reaction that Auntie Karen was a favorite relative. I checked that the hutch door was properly closed once the animals were inside, then called Toby and followed the girls up to the house.

  Karen was sitting on a beanbag on the floor of the playroom, looking at Teddy’s picture. She struggled to her feet when she saw the other children and held out her arms, folding them into her with a bearlike embrace.

  I decided to leave them to their reunion and hurried into the kitchen to check the fries, which were turning dark brown around the edges. After extracting clean forks from the drawer and plates from the cupboard, I peeled some carrots and chopped them into thin fingers. Locating the oven gloves where I’d hurriedly stowed them the day before, I piled fries liberally onto the plates, then called the children in to lunch. “Don’t forget to wash your hands,” I reminded them.

  The girls and Toby climbed onto stools at the central breakfast bar, while Karen followed holding Teddy by the hand.

  “You’re right, Teddy is talented,” she commented as she helped him up onto a stool. “I can’t think how no one ever noticed before.”

  “Mummy doesn’t usually let Teddy have the crayons,” Nicole said, spitting fries as she spoke with her mouth full. “He makes too much mess.”

  Karen’s eyes met mine and I glanced away, embarrassed at Lauren’s shortsightedness.

  “Well, he can have them whenever he wants from now on.” I went to the fridge and extracted a packet of ready-cooked chicken portions. “And we’re going to buy a board so we can display all your pictures, aren’t we, Sophie?”

  Sophie nodded through a mouthful of carrot and fries. I was cutting pieces of chicken and handing them to the children, who grabbed them eagerly, stuffing them into their mouths.

  “I’m sorry this is a bit of a thrown-together lunch,” I said to Karen, offering her a plate of cold chicken. “I’m all at sea after the accident. I can’t seem to get things flowing smoothly yet. It’s the lack of memories, I don’t know how the household ticks; I can’t remember how to cater for five or six and I can’t seem to wake up in the mornings to get going.”

  “You appear to be getting the important things right,” she said, eyeing me with interest. “Sophie was just telling me you’ve bought them pets.”

  “The children didn’t have anything to do
,” I replied, chopping salad and putting the bowl on the breakfast bar in front of her. “I’m not surprised the nanny found them a handful if she wasn’t allowed to play with them.”

  Karen helped herself to a large portion of salad, which she piled next to the chicken, and then she took a heap of fries from the remainder on the baking tray.

  “I want to hear all about this accident of yours,” she said as she squeezed tomato ketchup all over the fries and stuck her fork in the resulting mountain of food. “And I want to hear exactly what the doctors had to say about it. I’m surprised they let you home so soon; you’re obviously not yourself at all.”

  I told her about the burns to my shoulder and back, but added that they were healing remarkably quickly. “I’ve been given an appointment at the psychiatric clinic next week to help me come to terms with the memory loss, but I don’t really want to go,” I confessed. “Being here with the children is all the therapy I need.”

  Karen stared at me as if weighing things up.

  “You ought to take care of that burn, at least. I’ll take a look at it later.”

  After lunch, I sat still while she peeled away a corner of the antibiotic dressing.

  “It’s not bad at all,” she said, surprise in her voice. “I thought it would be much worse.”

  “I told you, it’s healing really quickly.”

  We cleared away the lunch things while the children vanished into the garden again.

  “I thought we might go out this afternoon and pick up some bits and pieces for the children,” I said as I finished loading the dishwasher.

  “As long as you feel up to it.”

  “I’d rather be out of the house,” I told her. “It’s all so sterile and neat indoors.”

  She stared at me again without speaking, and I hoped she had put my dislike of my own house down to the memory loss.