Life as I Know It

by Melanie Rose

  At a quarter to eleven the film finished and I asked Dan to take me home. He’d obviously sensed the change in my demeanor, because he sat quietly in the car, hardly speaking unless I spoke first.

  When he drew the Shogun up in the space outside my flat, I had a favor to ask him, but wasn’t sure how to broach the subject when we had been so distant with each other on the way home.

  I turned to face him in the dark interior of the car. “I was wondering,” I started hesitantly, “if you would take Frankie home for the night. I don’t feel brilliant and I wouldn’t like her to be neglected in the morning if I have to stay in bed.”

  Dan was immediately contrite. “Why didn’t you say you weren’t well? I… I thought you didn’t like my father, or the food, or the film…”

  “Your father’s great, Dan, a real character. It’s just I’m still not myself after what happened on Saturday, that’s all. It took a lot out of me and I seem to get tired very easily. I’ve got a bit of a headache.”

  “Of course I’ll take Frankie.” He leaned over and kissed me. “Are you sure you’ll be all right on your own? You’re not still having those turns, are you?”

  “No, I’ll be fine. I’m going to have a very long sleep and I’m sure I’ll be much better in the morning.”

  I watched as Dan nosed the car out of the turnaround, Frankie’s whiskery face peering back at me forlornly from the rear seat. As soon as they were out of sight I rummaged in my bag for my house keys and walked the short distance in the darkness across the grass, down the steps, and into my courtyard. Before unlocking the door, I went to the gutter and checked for the spare key. It was exactly where I’d left it. Without further ado, I opened the door and walked into the silence of my empty flat.

  I awoke to pandemonium. Someone was banging on my bedroom door and I could hear shrieking coming from the garden below my window. Bounding out of bed, I unlocked the door to find Toby standing on the landing jumping up and down excitedly.

  “Mummy, Blackie and Ginny are loose in the garden! Nicole went to feed them ’cos Sophie was still at the sleepover and they fell out of the hutch. The shed door was open and they ran away!”

  “Is someone trying to catch them?”

  “Auntie Karen is running around but she’s huffing and puffing. She can’t get them.”

  I went into the dressing room and pulled on a pair of jersey trousers and an angora sweater, then followed Toby downstairs and out into the garden. Karen was trying to shoo the rabbit into a corner by the shed, but every time she thought she had it cornered it slipped from her grasp and bolted away down the garden.

  Grant must have fetched Sophie home during the morning, because she was back now and tearing around after her pet. Meanwhile, Nicole was lying on the grass near the shed, peering into the gap underneath and calling Ginny loudly, with rising hysteria in her voice.

  “Having fun?” I asked Karen as she threw her hands up in despair.

  “You’ve decided to join us then,” she panted sarcastically, pushing a damp spike of her brown hair from her forehead.

  I grinned. “I’ll tell you what. Sophie can head Blackie off and send her back this way, then you and I can corner her between us.”

  Sophie ran behind the frightened rabbit and shooed her toward us. I told Karen to stay very still. I crouched down, and as soon as Blackie was within reach I made a dive for her, scooping her up in my arms. I held her for a moment until her heart had stopped pounding wildly beneath her soft fur, then handed her to Sophie, who cuddled the rabbit to her chest.

  “I assume Ginny has gone under the shed?”

  Nicole nodded, her face tearstained. “She’ll get eaten if we don’t get her out. I saw a fox this morning, sitting by the shed.”

  “She’ll come out when it’s quiet. Look, we’ll put a box right by the shed with some greens and carrot in it. She’ll come out to nibble and then you can catch her.”

  I went indoors to fetch some greens from the kitchen and found Grant standing at the window.

  “Are you beginning to wish you hadn’t let them have the animals?” he asked, giving me an I-told-you-so look.

  “No, I still think it’s a good idea. It gives them some responsibility, instead of being stuck in front of the TV whenever they’re not out.”

  He stared at me as if he was going to say something else, but apparently thought better of it.

  “I might leave the children with Karen and do a bit of shopping this afternoon,” I said as I pulled greens and carrots out of the vegetable rack and headed toward the utility room. “I need some casual clothes.”

  Grant’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “It didn’t take long for the ‘new you’ to go sloping off leaving me and the children, did it?”

  “I’m only popping out to the shops, Grant. I won’t be gone more than a couple of hours.”

  “You haven’t forgotten our dinner together tonight, have you?”

  “No, of course not.” I turned to look at him before going out of the back door. “I thought we might take the children to the four o’clock showing of the new Disney film, then leave them with Karen while we go out for our meal on our own.”

  I watched him struggle with himself. It was obvious he wanted to object, but in the end he merely shrugged.

  “Whatever you want, Lauren.”

  It took another half an hour to catch Ginny, who predictably stuck her head out to inspect the food when everyone except Nicole and me had returned to the house. I swooped on her before she had a chance to retreat, and handed her to Nicole, who sniffled into the guinea pig’s tan, black, and white fur with relief. I thought again what a gentle child Nicole was, and I stroked her hair affectionately as she cuddled her pet. She gazed up at me and smiled, and I found myself smiling back and thinking that all these children needed was for someone to love them.

  Back indoors, Karen was sitting with the other children in the playroom, watching Teddy as he hunched, completely absorbed, over another masterpiece. Toby was scribbling on a piece of paper and Sophie was trying to plait her own hair.

  “Alice has her hair in braids,” she said, glancing up at me. “Can’t I have beads in mine?”

  “I take it you had a fun sleepover last night,” I said with a smile. “Were there many girls there?”

  “Four of us, including Alice. Her mum lets Alice paint her nails with sparkly varnish, and she’s got new shoes.”

  “Your shoes look quite new to me. How long have you had them?”

  “I’ve had these since last vacation. But they aren’t the new sort. Alice has got the very latest ones.”

  “It can’t have been more than six weeks since summer vacation ended,” I reminded her. “And you can’t wear those on a school day, so I’ll tell you what. We’ll go shopping in the Christmas holidays for ordinary shoes, and if there’s anything special that you see, we’ll buy them for you for Christmas.”

  “That’s ages away! How comes Alice doesn’t have to wait until Christmas?”

  “She probably had hers for her birthday.”

  “She did not.”

  “I’ll go into town this afternoon and fetch a catalog from the shoe shop. Then you can look through it and choose what you’d like ready for when you can have them. That’s my best offer.”

  Sophie pouted, but didn’t argue further.

  I beckoned Karen into the kitchen and asked her if she minded watching the children while I popped out.

  Karen eyed me suspiciously. “You’re not really going out just to pick up a catalog on shoes, are you? Can’t it wait? I really wanted to talk to you this morning but it’s already nearly twelve. After what you told me yesterday I couldn’t sleep last night.”

  I busied myself making coffee while considering my answer. I’d leapt out of bed so quickly earlier that I hadn’t even had a drink yet. I lowered my voice so we wouldn’t be overheard.

  “Actually, I’m going to drive to Epsom and see what happens if I turn up at Jessica’s flat.”

&
nbsp; “Bloody hell, Lauren. Do you think that’s a good idea?” she exclaimed. “How can you do that? I mean, suppose you come face-to-face with her?”

  “I don’t think that can happen. I can only be Lauren or Jessica, not both at the same time.”

  Clearly agitated, Karen grabbed the cup I handed to her, took a big gulp, and spat half of it back out.

  “Ah! That’s hot!”

  I sipped at my own coffee more cautiously, watching as Karen wiped up what she’d spilled onto the pristine white counter when she’d jumped.

  “The thing is, I want to know that Jessica and I really are both real,” I whispered. “I know that sounds ridiculous, but what if this is simply a dream I’m having after all?”

  “Or maybe there are two alternate universes or something, and Jessica isn’t even sharing the same planet with Lauren?” Karen suggested grimly.

  I stared at her, thinking she was making fun of me, but she raised an eyebrow and I realized her “open mind” had been working overtime through the night.

  “Don’t!” I hissed. “It’s too scary to even contemplate.”

  “I want to know what’s going on as much as you do,” she said. “Can’t I come with you?”

  “I need to go by myself first. I want to see if Jessica is still there while I’m being Lauren. The problem is the time difference. I don’t want to put you in any danger, and anyway, I need you to watch the children.”

  “This is madness,” Karen murmured weakly, rubbing a hand over her face. “Please tell me that this isn’t happening.”

  “Okay, it isn’t happening. I’m popping out to do a bit of shopping and I’ll bring back some information on shoes for Sophie. Is that better?”

  She stared at me anxiously, ignoring my glib lie. “What if you get stuck somewhere between the two times or two places? What will happen to Grant and the children if you don’t come back?”

  I felt my face drain of color. I hadn’t thought of that.

  “I’ll be careful. I won’t change anything of Jessica’s that might affect Lauren.”

  “How can you possibly know? You don’t know anything about what you’re getting into.” She put out a hand and squeezed my arm. “Please, Lauren. If you’re right, I’ve lost one sister already. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

  “I can’t just live out Lauren’s life not knowing if there’s a way back. I need to go, Karen. It’s something I’ve got to do. I’m only going to look.”

  “I think you’re being selfish,” Karen said, dropping her hand and surveying me angrily. “Perhaps you’re more like the old Lauren than you think. You didn’t arrive here by accident. I’ve been thinking about it all night, and I believe that if you do exist in two places it’s because some greater power put you with this family. Because you were needed here. Are needed here. Don’t meddle, please, Lauren.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, finishing the last of my coffee. “Can you get the children’s lunch for me? I simply have to go and look.”

  It took me over half an hour of driving in what I assumed was the general right direction before I came to any signs I remotely recognized. Eventually I joined the busy A3, passing signs to Guildford and Woking, then continued along the M25 until I saw the sign for Leatherhead, where I took the exit and continued on toward Epsom. I had been pleasantly surprised at the lack of traffic on the M25, a road I had always avoided if possible in the past. As I left the main road the sky grew darker, and I wondered if there was going to be a storm. There seemed to be hardly any other cars on the road. I switched on my running lights and then my headlights, until, as I came into Epsom itself, at about one-thirty, I noticed the day had grown so dark that the streetlights had come on.

  As I turned the Galaxy into the space outside the flat and killed the engine, I realized that although my car clock was still reading 1:40, it must be 1:40 in the early hours of the morning here. Quietly, so as not to disturb my neighbors’ sleep, I climbed out of the car and pressed the driver’s door closed behind me, passing my own little blue car parked in its usual spot.

  As stealthily as I could, I tiptoed across the grass and down the steps into my courtyard, where I found the key stuck exactly where I’d left it behind the gutter. Turning the key in the lock, I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

  The house was dark and silent, and I was thankful that I’d had the foresight to ask Dan to take Frankie home with him. Whether she would have recognized me in Lauren I didn’t know, but it certainly would have confused the poor animal, and she might have woken the neighbors if she’d barked at me.

  I let out a long, slow breath, closed the door behind me, and snapped on the living room lights. My little home was exactly as I’d left it the previous night when I’d gone to bed. I walked softly into the bedroom and stared at the sleeping figure in the bed. I didn’t turn the light on in the bedroom, but stood silently in the shadows staring at the still form of Jessica, listening to her shallow but steady breathing.

  After a moment, I crept over to the bed and perched on the edge of the duvet. Tentatively, I reached out a trembling hand and touched her cool cheek. It was strange, looking at myself as others must see me. Gently lifting a lock of her brown hair, I felt an odd, almost familial sort of love toward this person who was really me.

  Reluctantly withdrawing my hand, I stood up and went to the wardrobe that stood in the corner of the room and removed a pair of jeans, a hooded sweatshirt, and a pair of jogging bottoms. Then, laying them over my arm, I took a last look around the slumbering flat before letting myself out.

  On the way home, the sky grew gradually lighter as I went from one time frame to another. By the time I was passing Guildford again it was just past two-thirty in the afternoon. Being familiar with these shops, I headed for the town center, parked the car in a handy spot near the bus station, and hurried to the nearest shoe shop, where a harassed assistant gave me a brochure packed full of the latest preteen shoes. I stopped off in Marks & Spencer to grab a sandwich and a bottle of water, which I ate and drank in the car while another driver apparently waiting to park in my space threw disgusted looks at me.

  I arrived home just after 3:45 and sat in the driveway while the car clicked and cooled around me, collecting my thoughts and digesting the Richardson residence in my mind. Home. It was a sobering thought. The age-old adage “home is where the heart is” flickered through my mind. I thought of Sophie, Nicole, Toby, and Teddy, and then of Dan and Frankie, and felt the now familiar hot prickle of tears beneath my eyelids.

  I heard the front door open and blinked rapidly, clearing my vision as Karen stuck her head out and called to me.

  “Lauren?”

  I climbed out of the car and straightened up as Karen descended on me, hugging me to her ample bosom.

  “What happened?” she hissed in a loud whisper as we stood in a huddle in the driveway. “Are you all right?”

  “It was weird.” I raised my face and tried to hold back the tears again. “I saw myself asleep. I mean, I knew this was happening to me, but to actually see myself from someone else’s perspective, well, it’s really difficult to come to terms with.”

  “So your theory was right then?”

  I nodded.

  She let go of me and glanced at the armful of clothing. “Are those what I think they are?”

  “Lauren has no casual clothes,” I said, shrugging.” I thought these might fit since we’re pretty much the same size.”

  “I’m not sure it’s healthy,” she said as I followed her into the house. “Mixing her clothing with yours. Quite apart from the fact that the whole business is decidedly odd, how will you survive as two separate identities if you start merging the two lives together?”

  “I wish I could merge them,” I muttered to her back. “Then I could have the best of both worlds.”

  Grant stepped out from the kitchen into the hall, making us both start.

  “Where have you been all this time, sweetheart?” I turned to face him, startled by
his sudden appearance. “You’ve been gone ages. I thought something had happened to you.”

  “I told you,” I said, holding up the clothing and trying not to look as guilty as I felt. “I went shopping.”

  “Where’s your shopping bag then?”

  “It’s, er, in the car,” I said quickly. I wasn’t sure why Grant was acting so strangely. It was almost as if he knew I hadn’t been where I said I had. I remembered him drunkenly accusing me of seeing another man the other night.

  “So what’s this about wanting the best of both worlds?” he said, as if he were trying to make a joke of it. “What’s this secret life you’d like to indulge?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  He poked at the clothing in my arms and made a face. “You wouldn’t normally be seen dead in stuff like that.”

  “I needed something for when I’m playing with the children,” I replied. “I can hardly catch rabbits in Jaeger or Chanel, now, can I?”

  “You’re so different,” he said, spinning me around and holding me at arm’s length. “You look like Lauren, but you’re just not the same person you were before.”

  I stared down at my feet, unable to look him in the eye.

  “Do you think you’ll ever be able to love me again?” he asked quietly.

  I heard the kitchen door close and realized that Karen had made herself scarce. Grant reached out a hand and lightly touched my hair. “Well?”

  “I don’t know,” I said miserably. “Everything seems so complicated.”

  “You loved me once,” he said. “Can’t you find it in your heart to try to recapture those feelings? I’m not an ogre, you know.”

  “I don’t dislike you,” I ventured. “Maybe in time…”