Fart Squad #3

by Seamus Pilger

  “An extremely troubling metamorphosis,” Walter agreed, floating a few inches above the gravel. “Perhaps best contemplated from a greater distance?”

  Probably not a bad idea, Darren thought, but before he could move, a spiky vine whipped out and snagged him by his wrist.

  “Ouch!” he yelped as sharp thorns dug through his sleeve into his skin. “Let go!”

  But the vine tightened around his wrist so that he couldn’t pry it loose and yanked his arm, dragging him even closer to the Stink Weeds. Sticky green sap dripped from their jaws. “Let me go!” he hollered again. “We didn’t mean to weed-ify you! It was an accident!”

  More vines entangled him, rooting him to the ground, even as the rest of the Fart Squad rushed to his rescue. Twisting around, Darren aimed his butt at the vines to try to defend himself. His stomach rumbled in anticipation. A blazing-hot fart was ready to go.

  Careful, he thought, not wanting to burn the aliens to a crisp. Just a warning shot for now.

  Darren’s farts burned superhot. A scorching blaat singed the seat of his pants—but seemed to have no effect on the clinging vines. Struggling against them, he heard Tina charging fearlessly into battle.

  “Leave him alone, you revolting weeds!”

  Darren didn’t hear her fart, but he never does. Tina’s silent gas attacks snuck up on people. Darren hoped they worked on angry aliens, too. But the stealth fart just seemed to mutate the Stink Weeds even more, making them grow bigger and spikier. Vines snared Tina now. She squirmed, unable to break free as fresh sap oozed down their stems and onto the trapped kids.

  “Yuck!!” she shouted in disgust. “Let us go!”

  Darren spotted Walter and Juan-Carlos right behind her.

  “Watch out!” he called in warning. “Our farts just seem to make them stronger!”

  “Seriously?” Juan-Carlos skidded to a halt, just out of reach of the furious Weeds. “So what are we supposed to do? Call Lawn Doctor?”

  Walter hovered a few feet above Juan-Carlos. “I confess my horticultural skills leave something to be desired!”

  The Stink Weeds turned their faces toward the other boys. Dark-purple pollen sprayed like powder from the Weeds’ open jaws. The pollen blew over the kids, who began coughing and sneezing uncontrollably. Their eyes watered. Their noses ran. Snot streamed down their faces. . . .

  The sticky pollen clung to their clothes. Darren watched in alarm as the Stink Weeds slithered toward his friends. Greedy vines reached out for them.

  “Run for it!” Darren ordered the others. “Save yourselves!”

  “Forget it—achoo!” Juan-Carlos could barely speak, he was sneezing so hard. He tried to wipe the pollen off himself but just ended up smearing it all over. “We’re a team—cough, cough! We’re not going to leave—achoo!”

  “My sentiments precisely,” Walter said. “One for all and all for . . . achoo!”

  A violent sneeze sent him shooting backward like a leaky balloon. He collided with Juan-Carlos, knocking them both out of harm’s way.

  “Don’t be stupid!” Darren shouted over the sneezing. “You need to get out of here before these nasty weeds get you, too! Remember: he who farts and runs lives to fart another day!” Jagged vines squeezed his ribs and ankles.

  Juan-Carlos grabbed on to Walter’s leg as Walter’s farts blasted them up into the sky. Juan-Carlos got a faceful of gas, but Darren figured it beat being captured by mutant plants from outer space . . . sort of.

  The vines grew at a frightening rate, climbing upward, straining to capture the fleeing humans. A stink bomb exploded in the air behind Juan-Carlos.

  “Sorry,” he apologized. “That one just slipped out.”

  The radioactive gas sparked another weedy growth spurt. The vines snagged Juan-Carlos’s foot. “Let go, you grabby greenery!” He kicked off his sneaker before the vine could climb any higher up his leg.

  The shoe fell to the ground not far from where Darren and Tina were snared.

  “Keep flying!” Darren yelled. “Don’t worry about us!”

  “Speak for yourself,” Tina muttered.

  The vines yanked Darren and Tina off their feet and toward the waiting spaceship. Darren grunted as he bounced over the rough gravel surface.

  I can’t believe this is really happening, he thought. We’re being abducted by weeds from outer space!

  CHAPTER FOUR

  “Juan-Carlos is never going to let me hear the end of this,” Tina said as she and Darren were dragged through the open doorway into the spaceship.

  “If we ever see him again,” Darren said. “Or anybody else we know!”

  At first, the inside of the UFO smelled like a garden, full of pretty aromas, but the Stink Weeds’ foul odor quickly polluted the air. Darren tried to breathe through his mouth instead of his nose, but that just seemed to make it worse.

  “These aliens are so rude,” Tina said. “Can’t they even bother to keep the air fresh for company?”

  “Maybe they like it this way?” Darren said.

  The UFO’s interior, like its exterior, resembled a greenhouse. In front of the control panel, there were flower pots where there should have been seats. Dirt covered the decks. Glass walls let in sunlight—and Darren could only watch as the ship took off into the sky. Within minutes, they were thousands of feet above Buttzville.

  He was starting to think that he was definitely going to be late for dinner.

  The Stink Weeds led them into a laboratory deep inside the ship. Sunlamps were built into the ceiling, while pruning shears, clippers, hoses, and other gardening tools hung on the walls, along with other, more alien equipment that Darren couldn’t identify. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what they were for.

  “What do you think they’re going to do to us?” he asked Tina anxiously. “What if they want revenge on us for turning them into weeds?”

  “Let’s not assume the worst,” Tina said.

  “I can’t help it.” Anxiety caused his stomach to churn unhappily, the pressure growing more and more uncomfortable. “What if they want to use us as lab rats? Or fertilizer?”

  “They wouldn’t dare,” Tina said. “I’m much too refined for that!”

  The vines released the two of them, finally, but they were outnumbered and thousands of feet in the air. And unlike Walter, neither Darren nor Tina could fly.

  They were trapped. They were doomed.

  The tallest Stink Weed leaned toward the two prisoners, giving off a revolting stench that made Darren’s stomach turn. Its vines twitched.

  “I’m sorry,” Darren said. “I still can’t understand you. I don’t speak stink.”

  The Weed scratched its head as though it was mulling over the situation. Moments later, a blinking device that looked like the 3D printer that Darren had seen on a field trip to the Buttzville Science Center turned on. The machine hummed briefly and spit out two pairs of shiny, silver . . . underpants?

  The Big Weed hooked the shorts with a vine and tossed them at the kids, who peered at the unusual underpants in confusion. Darren had no idea what was going on. Of all the bizarre possibilities he’d been dreading, this had not been one of them. Brain eating, sure, but alien underwear?

  The Weeds rustled impatiently.

  “I think they want us to put them on,” Darren guessed.

  Tina picked up the smaller shorts by one corner, holding them out and away from her with her fingertips. “You first,” she said.

  “Okay.”

  Darren pulled the crinkly metallic shorts over his pants. He figured he looked like a doofus, wearing the underpants on the outside, but right now that was the least of his worries. The Stink Weeds were calling the shots, so he and Tina had to play along.

  “Your turn,” he said.

  Tina groaned. “This is not a good look for me.”

  She reluctantly pulled on the shorts as well. “Don’t say a word,” she warned Darren before addressing the Stink Weeds. “Now what?”

  The printer humme
d again and produced two pairs of matching silver nose plugs. As before, the Big Weed passed the plugs to the puzzled kids, who put them in without knowing why. The plugs were a perfect fit. Darren hoped they weren’t designed to suck his brains out.

  “Can you understand us now?” the Big Weed said. “Pass gas if you understand.”

  Static tingled Darren’s nostrils, but he could “hear” the Stink Weed talking now. Darren and Tina exchanged startled looks. He could tell by her expression that she could understand the alien, too.

  “The nose plugs!” Darren exclaimed. “They must be translating their smell into words.”

  “They tickle,” she said. “I hope they’re properly sanitized.”

  “Do not reply with your tongues,” the Big Weed instructed. “Transmit your thoughts by scent alone.”

  “Um, okay.” Darren was not entirely sure how to do that. He unclenched his butt just a little, for fear of strengthening the Weeds with another high-powered fart, and let out the smallest puff of gas he could manage. Hello? Testing? Testing. . . .

  “No need to shout,” the Big Weed said. “Please adjust the volume on your translator shorts.”

  Darren found a dial on the waistband and turned it to a lower setting. He hoped it would help control the intensity of his toots . . . as long as he didn’t let loose all the way.

  Like this? he farted.

  “Much better,” the big Weed confirmed. “The translator shorts will convert your gaseous emissions into proper speech, while the nasal receivers will allow you to make sense of our scents. No pun intended.” He pointed a thorny vine at them. “Greetings, human specimens.”

  Specimens?

  Darren didn’t like the sound of that.

  Pleased to meet you, Tina tooted politely. Who are you and where do you come from?

  “Call me . . . Doctor Thorn,” the Weed replied. “I am the commander and chief scientist of this vessel, the Flying Astral Research/Telecommunication Ship (F.A.R.T.S.). My crew and I are an advance scouting party from the planet Botanica, many light-years from here. We were exploring this solar system, searching for signs of intelligent life, when our sensors detected unusually powerful smells coming from your planet. We mistook the odors for a distress signal from an advanced civilization similar to our own, so we traced them to the locality you call ‘Buttzville.’ But we were unable to pinpoint the source of the unique smells until today.”

  Er, that would be us, I guess, Darren squeezed out. It was kind of embarrassing to realize that their farts could be smelled all the way from space, but it sounded like this was all just a big misunderstanding. Sorry, false alarm. We’re not in distress, I promise!

  Yes, we’re just fine, Tina added. Thanks for your prompt response, but we don’t need your help. Really.

  “You think that matters now?” Doctor Thorn gave off a disturbing new odor, which smelled like wicked laughter. He waved his gnarled vines around. “Look how your strange human vapor has transformed us. We’re not weak, caring Flowers anymore. We’re Weeds now . . . and you’re going to help us spread across the galaxy!”

  Darren realized that the aliens had turned ugly on the inside as well. I don’t understand. What do you need us for?

  “To transform the rest of our people into Weeds, of course,” Doctor Thorn gloated. “Our mother ship is waiting for us just outside your solar system. Once your alien gases turn our entire expedition into Weeds, we will do the same to Botanica, and then infest the entire universe!”

  But I don’t want to get dragged to another planet, Tina protested. I like Earth just fine, thank you very much!

  Darren knew how she felt. This was getting worse and worse. He knew he had to think fast if they ever wanted to see their friends and families again.

  Wait! he stalled. We can’t fart enough to transform your entire species, not without more burritos! We’re useless to you without them!

  Doctor Thorn leaned toward him, visibly intrigued. Darren’s nose plugs failed to filter out the sheer intensity of the Weed’s curiosity.

  “Tell us more about these . . . burritos.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “Doctor Thorn!” a Stink Weed scented loudly. He was planted in front of a control panel that looked like an air conditioner. “The mother ship is demanding a report on our status.”

  An irritated aroma escaped the alien commander. “Tell them that we’ve experienced minor technical difficulties. But be careful how you smell. Don’t let them get a whiff of what we’ve become—or they’ll try to Decontaminate us and turn us back into weak, insipid Flowers!”

  Doctor Thorn reeked of disgust at the very idea of becoming a Star Flower again.

  “Now then, where were we?” the Weed said. “Ah, yes, you said something about burritos. Speak quickly, mammal!”

  Darren swallowed hard.

  Well, he farted, it all began in the school cafeteria, several weeks ago. . . .

  He quickly explained how the radioactive burritos had transformed four ordinary kids into the Fart Squad. I mean, everybody on Earth farts now and then, but ours are really something.

  Mine especially, Tina farted with pride.

  And we can’t fart without the burritos, Darren stressed.

  “Fascinating!” Doctor Thorn rubbed his vines together. “Tell us where we can find these miraculous burritos—and the rest of your so-called Fart Squad!”

  Forget it! Darren said. He just wanted to keep the Stink Weeds from carrying him and Tina off into space. I’m not talking until we’re back on solid ground!

  “And then what?” Tina whispered, using her actual voice.

  “No clue,” Darren admitted. “I’m making this up as I go along.”

  Tina sighed. “I was afraid of that.”

  “Do not test my patience, meat-creature,” Doctor Thorn reeked. He wrapped a spiky vine around Darren’s neck. Thorns jabbed Darren’s skin. “You are in no position to bargain with us. Tell us where to find what we want or you and your stunted companion will suffer!”

  Don’t knock it, Tina farted indignantly. My height is key to the whole silent mystique I’ve got going.

  Darren’s upset stomach roiled furiously. A monster fart demanded to be let free. He couldn’t hold it in anymore—and wasn’t sure he wanted to. He tugged down the translator shorts to let it rip.

  “Fire in the hole!”

  A volcanic blaaat erupted from his butt, singeing the seat of his pants. A deafening boom shattered the glass walls of F.A.R.T.S., causing the UFO’s pressurized atmosphere to whoosh out through the broken windows. Loose pieces of equipment were sucked out into the open air. Darren and Tina had to grab on to a steel examination table to keep from getting sucked out of the ship. The Stink Weeds rooted themselves to the dirt floor, even as the gas from Darren’s fart caused them to mutate even more. Oozing sap dripped from fresh vines and thorns sprouting all over their bodies. The Weeds twitched and shook.

  “Miserable human!” Doctor Thorn stank angrily. “What have you done to my ship?”

  Sparks exploded from the control panels. The UFO began spinning out of control and diving toward Earth.

  “We’re losing altitude!” a Stink Weed reported frantically. “We’re going to crash!”

  Tina looked at Darren. She shouted over the roaring winds from outside. “No offense, but I’m not sure you really thought this through!”

  “Tell me about it!” he said.

  CHAPTER SIX

  “Hold on!” Darren shouted as the UFO plummeted toward the ground below. Clinging to the examination table for dear life, he saw through the shattered windows that the ship was heading straight for the farmlands outside Buttzville. Open fields seemed to rush up at him with frightening speed.

  “Brace for crash landing!” Doctor Thorn ordered his crew. “Deploy emergency brakes!”

  Jets of smelly exhaust blasted from the bottom of the ship to cushion its landing . . . sort of. The UFO skidded across a leafy cornfield, sending everything and everybody in the
lab flying. Stink Weeds crashed together, getting tangled in one another’s vines, which were still growing feverishly, thanks to Darren’s high-volume fart. The sunlamps on the ceiling exploded. Darren flinched and ducked his head to avoid the shower of sparks.

  “Oomph!” he grunted.

  The impact knocked the wind out of him. It took him a moment to realize that the UFO had come to a stop and he was still alive. He looked around anxiously.

  “Tina?”

  “Over here.” She climbed to her feet nearby. Her hair was a mess and her clothes dirtier and more wrinkled than they had ever been before, but she was still in one piece, more or less. “Next time you blow up a spaceship, a little more warning would be appreciated!”

  “Sorry,” he said. “That one kinda got away from me!” He picked his sore body off the ground as fast as he could and tugged the translator shorts back up, just in case.

  “Quick! Let’s make a break for it while we still can!” he called out to Tina.

  “Right behind you,” she said. “I never want to look at a weed again!” Darren checked to make sure the Stink Weeds were still tangled, then helped Tina out a broken window before hopping down to the ground below. The UFO had crashed into a cornfield on the outskirts of town, digging a deep trench in the dirt. Darren spied a farmhouse, barn, and silo ahead. A motorized hay baler was parked in front of the barn.

  “Run for it!”

  But Doctor Thorn and the other Stink Weeds were right behind them, pouring out of the crashed spacecraft. “After them!” the Botanican scientist scented loudly. “Don’t let them get away!”

  The Weeds chased Darren and Tina through the rows of corn, the aliens’ spiky vines growing faster than ever. Looking back over his shoulder, Darren saw the weeds gaining on them. Tina took out her phone as they ran.