The Honorable Choice (Victorian Love Book 2)

by M. A. Nichols

  “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Ruby,” he murmured, and she wished she could believe him. “It is perfectly natural.”

  “For a mother to hate her child? That is the epitome of unnatural.”

  “Love is not always an easy thing, which comes in an instant and flourishes without assistance. You can come to love the child if you wish to.” Conrad gave her a wry smile. “I wish I could lay claim to that insight, but my dear mother taught me that recently, and I think her words mean as much in this instance as they did when she spoke them to me.”

  “If only it were that simple.”

  Conrad gave a huffing chuckle at that, and Ruby flinched. He gave a shake of his head. “I am not mocking you, but myself. That was nearly the exact response I gave Mother, and though I would not normally break a confidence, I believe she would not begrudge me sharing her experience with you.”

  And with that, Conrad recited the story of his birth. Though Ruby’s acquaintance with his mother had not been a long one, it was difficult for her to imagine that lady turning away from any of her children. She loved them fiercely and deeply—yet that had not always been the truth.

  “I have worried about this as well,” he said, his eyes fixed on their hands. “Though the child is mine in name, what if I should not love it as I ought to? What if it mirrors my brother in looks and behavior? Could I love it then? A child deserves to be cherished by its parents, and there are times when I fear I cannot provide that.”

  Conrad paused, turning her hand in his before drawing it close to where the child rested. “But then there are moments when I feel love stirring in my heart. When we sat together this afternoon it felt like we were a true family. I do not see why that cannot become a reality for us if we wish it to be.”

  *

  Words were little things with far too much power. Easily spoken, yet their meanings lingered on long after the sounds faded into silence. Thoughtless ones broke hearts and ruined relationships, and Conrad had always tried to avoid those. Speaking the truth rarely filled him with such apprehension, but few words in his life held such weight to them; these words were not casual, nor did they hold little meaning.

  Ruby watched him with those wide, frightened eyes of hers, but even in the dim lamplight, there was no mistaking the hint of wistful hope mingled there.

  The world around him stilled as Conrad held his wife’s gaze. He could not pinpoint the precise moment when all had altered so thoroughly, but staring into those golden-brown eyes of hers, he knew his heart was lost to this lady. It felt like a foreign thing in his chest, pressing against his ribs as it expanded. Visions of his future with her played through his head, and with each, his heart grew, filling him until he felt ready to burst.

  “I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.

  “But do you wish to?”

  Ruby turned her face away, burying into the pillow. Again, she tugged at her hands, but he would not allow her to flee. Not again. Uncovering the truth was never an easy thing, but until they did, there was no hope for them. All trials could be overcome, but not if they were hidden.

  “Do you wish it, Ruby? Do you want us to be a proper husband and wife? A proper family?” Once the words were spoken, Conrad’s stomach sunk to the floor. Though he was fairly certain of her answer, he stood on a precipice.

  His mind was cast back to the weeks he’d spent bemoaning his marriage and the heartless words he’d used to describe Ruby, and he wished to flog the Conrad that was. Though his assessment of her character had been accurate to a degree, he had been too wrapped up in his own misery and bitterness to see the truth beneath it.

  Ruby was timid, but that was a byproduct of her upbringing. Those poisonous teachings she’d learned were falling by the wayside. The metamorphosis was faint and coming about slowly, but that did not lessen the changes she was undergoing. A lifetime of experience was not easily overridden. In truth, the more he came to understand her life before she’d arrived in Greater Edgerton, the more Conrad understood just what his mother had meant when she called Ruby courageous, and Conrad’s heart expanded further as he thought on that.

  And yes, Ruby was soft-spoken. That was not a quality he’d thought to admire, but her quiet demeanor did not mean she was disinterested or not engaged with her surroundings. Ruby observed. She learned. While others filled the air with words that were more voluminous than profound, she listened. And when prompted, she spoke to the point and with far more thought and care than others.

  “Can we not just continue on as we have?” she asked.

  “Do you wish for that?”

  Ruby’s eyes fell to their joined hands, her gaze lingering there until he was certain that a lack of desire had naught to do with her question.

  No lady who chose to elope and risk the ire of such rigid parents would settle for a loveless life. That was someone who fought for something greater, and Conrad sensed she was desperate to embrace a proper marriage and family. But still, his lungs halted, unable to move as he awaited her answer that mattered greatly to both of them.

  “We have been happy the last few weeks,” she murmured. “Is there a need to alter that?”

  Keeping his eyes fixed on Ruby’s expression, Conrad lifted her hand and bowed over it, pressing his lips to her knuckles and letting that tender touch linger there. Her brows scrunched together, trembling as her eyes glittered in the flickering light of the lamp, and Conrad saw her heart as clearly as if she had spoken the words aloud.

  Ruby longed for more, but fear kept her silent. And one does not fear so greatly if one’s heart were not at risk.

  “We have the possibility of being so much more than friends or companions, Ruby.” He laid their hands back on the mattress. Conrad did not release his hold on her hand, and his wife clung to his with equal firmness. “I know Lucas has given you every reason to guard your heart, but I will prove to you I am worthy of your trust.”

  Shrinking into herself, Ruby watched him with a wary gaze, which made Conrad’s stomach churn. There were not words enough to curse Lucas for what he had done to this sweet lady. Never had he longed to change the past as greatly as Conrad did at this moment, for then, he could’ve saved her from Lucas’s heartless machinations. Ruby deserved so much better than the treatment she’d received both from her parents and Lucas.

  Whatever else he did in his life, Conrad would protect her from such cruelty touching her again. He did not speak the words aloud, but he felt them in his heart, growing into a vow as solemn as any a man had given a lady.

  Straightening, Conrad’s lips curled into a smile, his eyes brightening. “I am going to woo you.”

  Ruby blinked at him, her brows pulling low.

  “It is the only solution,” he added. “As we did not have the opportunity to do so before we married, I shall simply have to do so now.”

  Conrad paused, his head cocking to the side as he considered things. “I have never wooed anyone before, so I am not entirely certain of all it entails.” He turned his gaze back to his wife. “But I have my father’s example to follow. Be prepared for a plethora of gifts and sentimental poetry.”

  Lying frozen in place, Ruby stared at him as though he were speaking in Latin and not comprehensible English. The humor of his words faded, and Conrad’s gaze warmed as he watched her. Freeing one hand, he pulled the blanket up over her shoulder where it had slipped.

  “I promise I am not my brother.”

  “But that does not mean you shan’t break my heart.” Ruby flinched at those words, as though she’d not intended to speak them. She turned her face into her pillow once more, hiding as much as she could while Conrad still sat before her.

  At this juncture, he thought it more likely she would break his, but Conrad did not voice that thought as it was of no value at present. And as he watched his dear Ruby, far better words came to mind.

  “Loving another is a risk, and experience has taught you to guard your heart,” he said. Ruby burrowed into the bedcovers, but though
it saddened him that she should do so, Conrad ignored the emotional distance and focused on her hands. For all her worries, she still clung to him. “But are you denying yourself my love because of prudence or fear?”

  “You are using my words against me?” she asked, peeking out from her pillow.

  Conrad grinned a crooked smile. “A wise lady once asked me that profound question when I needed it most. It changed my thinking in more ways than she could ever understand. Perhaps it might do the same for you.”

  *

  His words faded into silence, and Ruby watched him. The lamp gave only a dim light, obscuring most of his features in shadow, but even in the darkness, she saw his sincerity. Ruby’s breaths came in little pants, her eyes filling as she searched his features for any sign of falsehood. But there was none.

  That frightened her even more.

  Ruby’s breaths came faster, and her lips trembled, her stomach souring once more. Her eyes widened, and Conrad had the bucket ready when she had need of it, his low voice speaking the most wonderful nonsense as she seized and shuddered against the fresh wave of nausea.

  Setting the bucket aside, Conrad helped her to lie down once more, his light touch brushing back the hair sticking to her face.

  “Get some rest,” he murmured, hushing her when she tried to move.

  “And you, as well.” That last bout had stolen the last of her reserves, and though Ruby’s mind refused to rest after what had just passed between them, her eyelids began to droop.

  Conrad’s brows rose. “You think I could abandon you?”

  “You need your rest. The mill—”

  “I am staying where I am needed, Ruby.”

  Such simple words, yet her heart sped at their meaning. Closing her eyes, Ruby focused on keeping her breaths at an even pace, lest she disturb her insides once more. When she opened them again, she saw him retrieve a blanket from the wardrobe and wrap it around his shoulders.

  Ruby did not need to ask the question to know its answer. It was clear from his movements that he intended to sit in that uncomfortable chair while she slept. It did not seem possible that one should feel such divergent emotions at the same time, but Ruby’s heart warred between fretting that she caused him such grief and pleasure that he so willingly shouldered it. She tried to picture Papa doing the same for Mama, but the image was too ridiculous to be imagined.

  “You cannot think to spend the night in that chair,” she said.

  “But you might have need of me—”

  “I am not strong enough to return to our bedchamber, but I do believe it has passed,” she said, and that was true enough if she remained calm. Conrad opened his mouth to protest again, and so Ruby clarified by motioning for him to join her on the bed.

  He stood there silent for several moments, watching her with a question in his gaze, as though ensuring that she truly meant her invitation. Then he gathered the lamp and bucket and placed them at the ready before climbing in beside her.

  Ruby could not bear to move from her place. Though her stomach had calmed, she feared any jostle might upset it once more. But Conrad turned to her, his arm resting on her hip so that his hand lay over their child.

  “Rest well, Ruby,” he murmured.

  With her mind churning, Ruby had not thought it possible for her to sleep, but with Conrad wrapped around her, all those worries and fears faded, filling her with peace. Tomorrow would be soon enough to fret about their future, but for now, Ruby merely reveled in the feeling of her husband beside her and the comfort his presence brought.

  ***

  A creak of floorboard roused Ruby from her sleep and pulled her into that middling state between sleep and wakefulness, her mind aware but not cognizant. A swish of petticoats and Ruby recognized that Fanny was in the room with her. But it was the empty space at her back that had her opening her eyes.

  “Ma’am,” said Fanny, coming to the bedside with a bob. “Are you feeling better this morning?” She glanced at a clock on the mantle and amended her question to, “Afternoon?”

  Ruby shifted in place and felt infinitely grateful that it brought on no new bout of nausea. “I am.”

  “I am sorry to have disturbed you, but I was freshening your tea,” she said, nodding at a tray awaiting Ruby on the bedside table. There was a pot and several digestive biscuits along with a note.

  She took it in hand, and Ruby’s heart fluttered at its contents. Brief though it may be, there was no mistaking the concern beneath the message, and she treasured each word.

  Father insists I am needed at the mill, but I shall return soon. In the meantime, enjoy some tea and biscuits. I was assured this blend will help.

  C.

  Setting the note aside, Ruby took the cup Fanny had prepared, and before she brought it to her nose, she smelled the mixture of ginger and peppermint wafting through the air. It was an odd combination, but with a bit of honey mixed in, she found it rather appetizing.

  “No, ma’am,” said Fanny when Ruby threw back the bedcovers and moved to stand. “I am under strict orders that you’re not to stir.”

  “But I am feeling better today,” said Ruby.

  Fanny’s hands twisted as she glanced at the tea tray. “Mr. Ashbrook was terribly worried you’d take ill again, madam, and he was none too happy about leaving you in such a state. Made me promise to do exactly as he said, and that included making certain you remain exactly as you are until he returns.”

  Conrad’s chair from the previous night had been moved back to the wall, and Fanny strode over to it and fetched the sewing bag sitting atop it.

  “You have your needlepoint, and I can find you a book, should you like it. And I am to refresh your tea and see that you eat something.” Fanny lifted the dish with the digestive biscuits and offered them to her, but Ruby eyed them. Her stomach may have settled, but it felt too soon to eat anything.

  “Not eating can cause troubles as well, ma’am,” said Fanny. “My ma used to keep a biscuit handy, and she swore it helped.”

  Ruby took a bite and a sip of tea, though she dreaded the thought of arming her stomach. She felt better at present, but that could change in an instant. But as the food settled there, she was pleasantly surprised to find her insides did not rebel. If anything, it made her a tad peckish.

  Fanny made certain Ruby’s sewing was exactly where she wished it and took her leave with a promise to return shortly. Reaching into her bag, Ruby retrieved the embroidery hoop and laid it across her lap.

  The needle awaited her, but she stared at the stitches that were slowly taking shape into the Isle of Shalott. The story had been merely a tragic tale, but ever since she’d seen the mirror image of it in her own life, it was a struggle to continue the work. The parallels could not be dismissed, though Ruby wished to. She longed to return to that blissful ignorance that saw nothing but Tennyson’s exquisite wordsmithing.

  Instead of perishing as poor Elaine had when she cast aside the shadows to embrace the world beyond her tower, Ruby had survived, only to return to her prison once more, heartbroken and far more frightened of the light than she wished to admit. Lucas’s betrayal had not killed her, but now Conrad stood on the riverside, tempting her to leave her haven like Lancelot of old.

  “She knows not what the curse may be…” Elaine may have been unaware of the price to be paid for such recklessness, but Ruby was not so naive. There would be no returning to her tower should Conrad prove to be less than he appeared. Ruby was bound to him, and if she allowed her heart to truly accept him, there would be no locking it away once more.

  Lucas had been a dream. A fantasy made real that captured her heart with the barest effort. But Conrad was the flesh and blood reality. Even at his best, Ruby could not imagine Lucas holding vigil at her sickbed. It was difficult enough to believe Conrad had done so, though she’d witnessed it with her own eyes. Sitting in his nightshirt beside a bucket of sick, Conrad had watched over her, sacrificing his sleep and subjecting himself to an unpleasant task. It stirred
her heart in ways Lucas’s flowery words could never do and proved Conrad’s earnest declarations.

  Yes, she’d loved Lucas Ashbrook. At the time, he’d seemed the epitome of everything she desired. But Ruby felt warmth stirring for Conrad, and those barest of sentiments warned her that should she embrace it, that love would overpower the silly flirtation she’d felt for the eldest Ashbrook son.

  Lucas had broken her heart, but Conrad could destroy it.

  Conrad’s words felt truthful, which made them all the more alluring. Perhaps he was being earnest, but that did not mean that his heart would remain constant. He claimed he loved her now, but what about in a year? Or five? Ten?

  Prudence or fear? Conrad had turned her own words against her, and Ruby had no thought as to how to answer his question. But even as her heart battled with her head, Ruby heard footsteps coming towards the bedchamber, and there was no ignoring how much she hoped it was Conrad returning to her side.

  Chapter 21

  Standing at the parlor window, Ruby watched the ever-moving traffic outside the townhouse. The city could not rival the rugged beauty of the countryside, but Ruby had grown to admire the unique characteristics of Greater Edgerton. There was an energy and life to it that was contrary to what one finds in nature but captivating in its own right. Her eyes tracked the passing people, carts, and carriages. Ruby missed the color and brightness of her old home, but her new one always gave something new to see.

  Ruby cast her gaze to the sky and wondered when the snow would fall. The weather had grown chill enough to warrant it, and when she’d last strolled by the river that formed the border between Olde Town and New, Ruby had seen a few intrepid children testing the ice for skating. However, winter seemed determined to be as dry as autumn. There were still some weeks before the holidays, and Ruby only hoped the snow would arrive before then.