What's Real

by Daaimah S. Poole

  I am so fed up with Anthony. He is very childish. That’s why I’m going away for a couple of days so he can see how it feels to do everything, while I do nothing for a change. No baby waking up, no man bothering me. I am going to have so much fun. By the time I get back, he will appreciate me.

  Chapter Four

  Tanya

  I waited around in the airport for Natalie. I was glad that I had picked up a Source magazine to read. I had to refresh my memory of what certain rappers look like, ’cause everybody dresses the same and I don’t want to be rude or dis somebody that is somebody. I am going to come the fuck up, I thought. Memorial Day weekend in Miami. Please, that’s the weekend when all the niggas come out. Rappers, celebrities, professional athletes. And I’m going home with somebody. Wife, no wife, I don’t care. Once they see me, it’s going to be a wrap. They going to be like, “I want a divorce.” I brought every outfit to turn niggas out all weekend. I got bikini tops, panty booty shorts, my fuck-me-hard hooker sandals and ass-cheek-showing skirts. Wherever I go I always have no problem meeting men or getting attention.

  When I was younger, everybody used to tell me I was so pretty and my hair was so long. They would say, “Oh my, you are so gorgeous, little girl. You’re going to get everything you want.” Grown men used to tell me, “When you grow up you going to be a little heartbreaker. You won’t ever have to work. Somebody will always take care of you.” They said I looked like a china doll. I have worn the same hairstyle since my grandmother let me come out of ponytails. The only difference is I cut my front bangs. They hang over my eyes a little like Aaliyah’s, but my hair is still past my shoulders. Girls always come up to me and ask me what kind of a perm I get. I tell them I don’t get perms. I just get it pressed out with a flat iron. Or I always get asked, “What kind of hair is that?” And I’ll tell them it’s mine, it’s not a weave. My eyes are a little sleepy and slant. My skin is a bronzed brown like I have a natural tan. I’m an average height, about five eight with heels, about five five without.

  Niggas always throw me out, take me places, and do shit for me. But I never met anybody like Barry. I never take any guy I deal with seriously. They are trying to get some ass and I’m trying to get some money. It’s like this: you deal with me, we going out and you buying me shit. I’m not letting no nigga fuck me and I’m not getting anything out of it. I don’t trick, but it is what is. If you ain’t got no money, then you can’t see me. Please. I like nice shit and so do my kids. If the money is right, then we can talk. Yes, and if he’s your man. Yeah, you. If he got a couple dollars and he spending, then I’ll fuck with him too!

  I never had a job, and men do take care of me, but I’m tired of drug dealer dudes. I’m trying to meet somebody with some legal paper. Like a ballplayer, rapper, or something. Maybe even a producer like Pharell Williams of the Neptunes. Then I’m really going to come the fuck up. My mission for the weekend is to get money, party, meet a baller, and get paid.

  Time was going by slowly. I was still waiting for Natalie to meet me at the ticket gate. She is not usually a late person. Damn, I hope Anthony don’t find out. She better hurry, I thought, as I looked down at my square-face Gucci silver watch, another gift from Walei. I don’t know why Natalie is married to that clown. You know how you look at somebody and say they deserve better or you can see their value but they can’t? That’s Natalie, she is a cute girl. I mean, she could stand to lose like thirty pounds, but she is pretty and nice, and her husband, Anthony, is a straight-up mama’s-boy asshole. He needs a man to kick his ass.

  I met Natalie back in the day in middle school. Back then I was a smart girl and I went to a good school. However, my mom was going through something. That something was just about any drug you can imagine. She always had me missing school and switching schools. I finally dropped out in the tenth grade. Me and Natalie became close around the same time I started dealing with Barry. I confided in her and she kept my secrets. She didn’t look down at me, because she knew my mom was out there. I never had to worry about my business getting in the streets. Her mom, Sharon, is so cool too. The first time my mom went to rehab she took me in. I stayed over at their house for a month.

  Natalie was so different from me, but yet we got along well. She did her schoolwork and got good grades. Back then Natalie was so decent because she had so much gold. She had gold triangle earrings, gold rope chains, and donut swirls. She also had red riding boots and a red leather trench jacket that everybody wanted. She used to keep her hair fly because her mom did hair. Natalie also had a mother and a father. I didn’t even know my father. I remember going into her bedroom where she had her own pink canopy bed and her own stereo and television. She was so fly back then, right up there with Salt & Pepa. She was the only child. I was the only child too, but it didn’t make any difference. My mom ain’t buy me shit. All my mom did for me was put everything before me. Drugs before me. Men before me.

  I remember the first time she left me with my grandmom. We lived on Thirteenth and Allegheny in north Philly, right around the corner from Temple Hospital. I was watching the Smurfs as usual, it was a Saturday morning. I remember Anita Baker’s “You Bring me Joy” was playing, my mom’s favorite song. I was eating Frosted Flakes cereal. She told me to get up and put clothes on. I tried to finish eating my cereal, but she gripped me by my nightgown, said hurry up and get dressed. She told me I was going over to my grandmom’s house. She didn’t even wait for me to get fully dressed before she pulled me out of the house. We caught the bus to my grandmother’s house. She lived on Lehigh Avenue. I was excited to see Grandmom because she would always let me go to the store to get cigarettes for her and buy whatever I wanted with her change.

  That afternoon stay turned into two years. My mom was back and forth, gone for weeks and months at a time. Saundra would go to rehab, get clean for a few months, then relapse and be back out on the streets again.

  My mom was real pretty, and I looked just like her. Men would always come around my grandmother’s house looking for her. Men that if my mom wasn’t getting high she wouldn’t think twice about. Every man she had would take care of her. Whenever she would get mad at my grandmother for not giving her money she would take me away. She would leave me with strangers sometimes. Other times we would stay with different men at motels. When she got tired of me she would send me back to my grandmother. My mom would always say, “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  But tomorrow never came. I cried so much because Mom-Mom cried. Then I got tough and said why should I cry over someone who didn’t want me? My grandmother said she was washing her hands of her and got an insurance policy out on her because one day she would have to bury her. A couple of people said they saw her down the bottom in west Philly. That always would amaze me. How could she be in the same city as her family and not call? I can’t understand. Well, fuck her, she’s not shit. If it wasn’t for Mom-Mom and Natalie’s mom, Ms. Sharon, I’d be an orphan. When I was younger, sometimes I wished for a mom and a dad. But after a while, life with my mom-mom became normal. She took care of me. We were all each other had. My grandfather died before I was born. My mother was her only child and I was my mother’s only child.

  Natalie better hurry the fuck up! I will get on this plane without her ass, I thought as I looked at my watch again. She is probably going to get her ass beat for sneaking to Miami. She’s my friend, but we are not that close anymore. I can talk to her about things sometimes, but we don’t usually hang out. This is the first time we were going out in years. I usually hang out with this girl Monica, but she couldn’t come. Her money wasn’t right.

  A few more minutes have gone by and Natalie is still not here. She has to hurry up before the plane starts to board. I know her husband is going to hate and prevent her from going. If he does, oh well, that’s on her. I got my ticket. I looked in my bag and popped a Xanax. I needed it to relax me because I don’t like planes.

  Chapter Five

  Natalie

  After I left the mall, I
went and picked Anthony Jr. up from day care. I had a little talk with him. He was smiling at me. His four little teeth were sticking out of his pink gums. My baby’s smile is so awesome he could brighten up any room. “Mommy going to get some me time for a couple of days, okay?” He was only nine months, but he smiled at me like he knew what I was talking about. I felt a little guilty. I had never left my baby, ever. I didn’t want to, but I had to teach Anthony a lesson. I pulled up in front of my door. I was so nervous. It was time to execute my plan. My plane was not taking off without me. I dug around in my bag for my keys and opened the door. Play it cool, stay calm, your plan is going to work, I said to myself.

  Anthony was lying on his other home, the sofa, watching television. He had on his blue boxer shorts and white T-shirt. He needed a serious shower and haircut. His patch of premature gray was sticking up. Anthony used to be so handsome to me. They say women let themselves go when they get married. The opposite thing happened to me. It’s like one day Anthony woke up and said, “Oh, we married now. I don’t have to get dressed anymore.” He had a belly and meat on his legs. He used to be my teddy bear. Now he has gained like thirty pounds and he is no longer so fresh and so clean. He would always look nice and get dressed. When we were dating, his boots were always new and he kept a haircut. Right now I could smell his underarms from where I was standing. I hated when he came home from work and plopped his ass on the sofa without taking a shower first. He left his clothes everywhere and expected me to pick everything up, like his mother, but I refused.

  “Anthony, we’re home. I picked up the baby early because I have to go to the market. Do you think you can watch him for a little bit?” I said as I kicked his funky mechanic’s uniform out of my way.

  “Can’t you take him with you?” he whined.

  “Anthony, I have to get so many things and he is going to distract me. I want to get in and out.”

  “Come over here, big guy,” he said to baby Anthony as he extended his hands and took the baby.

  “Your braids look so, so, so nice. Don’t Mommy look pretty?” Anthony said as he looked up at me and was talking to the baby. I was surprised; he doesn’t usually comment on anything.

  “Thanks, babe,” I said. I was still trying to figure out my next move.

  “How much that cost?” he asked.

  “Not that much. So can you watch him?”

  “I don’t feel like it. I had a hard day at work.”

  If Anthony did not take the baby, my plan was about to fail. My heart was pounding. Who would watch the baby? Could I leave him on our steps, ring the bell, and when Anthony came to the door, run? That wouldn’t work, but I had to think of something and fast. The clock was ticking. I couldn’t miss my flight. I had to try one more time. I asked Anthony again, “Baby, please watch him. I’m tired too. I have to go to the market. You want something to eat, don’t you?”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll watch him, but you got to give me some before you go,” Anthony said.

  “Baby, I got to go!” I said.

  “Come on, babe,” Anthony pleaded. Anthony was getting under my skin.

  “I have to go,” I said as I looked into the kitchen at the clock on the wall. It was two forty-five. I was about to be late. Anthony put the baby in his playpen and pushed me into the kitchen. He began kissing me all over my neck and back. He unzipped my pants, put me on my knees, and slid himself into me. I just kept thinking about the time, and that I was not in the mood, and he needed a shower. He was breathing heavily and panting. Anthony was not coming fast enough for me, so I took control. I got on top and rode him. I faked a few moans and scratched his back. The sex was getting good, but I had to concentrate on getting out of here. I hurried up and gave Anthony the best five minutes of his life. He was damn near ready to go to sleep when I was done.

  When I went back into the living room, baby Anthony was sitting there playing with his toys in his playpen. I ran upstairs, took a quick shower, and changed my clothes. When I came back down, both Anthonys were asleep. I grabbed my pocketbook and headed for the door.

  “Hurry back, okay? I got somewhere to go. I have to pick this part up for my car,” Anthony said groggily.

  Yeah, all right, I thought. Wherever you have to go, you’ll be taking baby Anthony with you.

  I got in my car and screeched off. You would have thought I just robbed a bank. I was nervous and sweating and kept checking my rearview mirror to see if Anthony was after me. Somehow, some way I thought he would find out. I couldn’t believe he didn’t have a clue. I had slipped up a few times earlier in the week. I talked about my trip and he never caught on. Tanya even left a message on our answering machine asking me if I was ready for the weekend. Anthony asked me about it, but I changed the subject. I can’t believe I’m getting away with this. I’m really getting away from him and the baby.

  I drove myself to the airport and parked in the extended parking.

  I caught the shuttle over to the terminal. I pulled out my suitcase, put my sunglasses on, and ran to the check-in counter. I checked in, went through security, and ran through the terminal. I was sweating and out of breath when I noticed Tanya sitting reading a magazine. I went up to her and tapped her on her shoulder.

  She stood up and said, “I can’t believe it. You made it. I didn’t have any faith in you.” We slapped hands. “I thought for some reason Anthony was going to find out.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “ ’Cause he always up in your business.”

  “I did think he was going to figure it out. I am so scared. Anthony is going to kill me when he finds out.”

  “I know he is.”

  “At least I’ll have a smile on my face at my funeral.” I laughed.

  They announced our row and we went to board. I grabbed my luggage and Tanya and I ran to the gate. We handed our boarding tickets to the agent. We boarded the plane and were greeted by the stewardess. I quickly put my luggage overhead and sat next to the window. I put on my seat belt, squeezed my eyes, and held on to Tanya’s hand. She smacked my arm and pulled away. When the plane began to move I held tightly on to the armrest. The plane was turning on the runway; it started going faster and faster. I thought about screaming and saying let me off, I got to go home. But once I felt the plane take off, I knew it was too late. I looked at the clouds and tried not to think about what I had just done.

  Our flight connected in Charlotte and we sat there and waited for three hours. It was only supposed to be an hour layover. But the plane was delayed in Pittsburgh due to rain. Me and Tanya got something to eat, bought magazines, and talked. I tried to call home, but the answering machine kept coming on. I couldn’t leave a message.

  The plane finally came and we arrived in Miami after ten o’clock. We took a cab to our hotel and the place was a fucking mess. When we had booked it with the travel agent, she said, “Beachfront property.” It appeared nice from the outside; the beach was across the street. But when we stepped into the hotel, it was the state pen. There were concrete walls painted light blue, these bright bedspreads, the floor was gold. We requested double beds and were given a full-size bed and the other a twin bed.

  “I’m not staying here,” I said as I looked around.

  “Neither am I, let’s get out of here,” Tanya said.

  We went back to the front desk, demanded our money, and tried to make reservations somewhere else. Luckily we found another room just down the street. It was ninety dollars more a night, but we didn’t care as long as it was clean. Tanya had inspected the room and she said it was cool.

  We paid for the room, got our keys, and walked toward the elevator. I pushed the button. The elevator opened and we dragged our luggage on with us. Two men boarded the elevator with us. One had a big bush with a pick in it and the other had braids going back that were better than mine. They were laughing and joking. “What’s up, ladies? Where y’all from?” the guy with the braids asked.

  “Philly. Where y’all from?”

  “B
rooklyn.” We got out of the elevator; we were all on the same floor. They asked us if we needed help. We said yes and they carried our luggage to our room’s door for us.

  “Y’all got some smoke?” Tanya asked the guy with the bush as I opened the door.

  “Yeah. Why? You want some?”

  “Yeah. Let me put my luggage in my room. I’ll be right out,” Tanya said.

  “By the way, this is Todd and I’m Calvin,” the guy with the bush said.

  “She’s Natalie and I’m Tanya,” she said. We put our luggage in the closet of the room and went back into the hallway with the guys. I gave Tanya her room key and Tanya and Calvin went to the balcony-like fire escape. The other guy, Todd, stayed behind.

  It is so crazy how people that smoke cigarettes or get high got their own universal language. Like, sure, you can smoke with me.

  “You don’t smoke?” he asked me.

  “No, and I don’t want that mess getting in my clothes and my system,” I said as I leaned against the wall.

  “What, do you work for the police?” He laughed.