Bad Kitty

by Michele Jaffe

  Tom: Hi, Polly. Wait a sec, what are you two doing down here?

  Roxy: Nothing. Move along young Tom.

  Tom: Your eye is twitching, Rox. You are up to something.

  Roxy: Girl talk. We were discussing whether big granny underwear was In or Out this season.

  Tom: How funny, that happens to be a topic on which I’m an expert. Pray, continue.

  Polly: Actually, we were discussing what to do about Jas. I’m really worried. But I have an idea.

  Here, I’ve made a list of what we need. I think we should—

  Roxy: Whisper! In case THEY are listening.

  Polly: Roxy, you are being—

  Roxy: They have ears EVERYWHERE.

  Polly: Fine. Here’s what I think we should do. We take six to eight…and then…which we can easily do with a regular D-cell battery, after which…and voilà! Jas, good as new.

  Roxy: Wow, that sounds great! An excellent plan!

  Tom: Are you sure it’s not a little extreme? Someone could get hurt.

  Roxy: You’re either with us or against us, my brother. Which is it? And don’t think I won’t use this thing, because I will.

  Tom: Are you threatening me with a hairbrush, Roxy?

  Roxy: Styling attachment. It’s Mom’s. I think it may be the source of her terrifying power.

  Polly: We have no time to lose. Are you in or out, Tom?

  Tom: If you’re in, I’m in.

  Polly: Excellent. I’ll pick you guys up tomorrow early so we can stop You-Know-Where before we head out.

  Roxy: And I’ll go put the You-Know-Whats by the front door so I don’t forget them. Next to the Oh-

  Yes-We-Dids. And the Funyuns.

  Tom: Funyuns?

  Roxy: For strength. You know, in case Jas gets balky.

  Polly: Good thinking. Wow, Jas is so lucky to have us.

  Tom: Yes, your devotion really brings a tear to the eye. Hey, get that demonic hairbrush away from me.

  Roxy: It’s a styling attachment!

  Polly: We’d better go to sleep. We’ll need our wits about us to complete our mission.

  Roxy: Good point. Agents Roxy and Tom of Team Rescue Jas signing off, captain.

  Polly: Over and out.

  3Tom: Polly, it’s your phone. The caller ID says the Venetian Hotel. It must be Jas. Should we answer it?

  Roxy: No way. We are radio silent. From here on in, Team Operation Jas goes black ops code super stealth.

  Polly: All cell phones to their OFF positions.

  Roxy: And traitors will be shot.

  Tom: Put the glue gun down, Roxy.

  4Polly: I am going to choose to assume that is your sweet, sweet way of making clear that I am NOT a “typical” California girl, rather than some immature jibe at my safety consciousness.

  Jas: What are you doing down here?

  Polly: Don’t evade the issue.

  Jas: There is no danger, P, of anyone thinking you are typical. Or even normal.

  Polly: Be careful that you don’t choke yourself with all that cackling, Jas. Or shall I call you Girl

  Who Considers Cops Educational Programming?

  Jas: Do as you see fit, Girl Who Sleeps with a Hazmat Suit Next to Her Bed.

  Polly: You may laugh now. But who will be laughing—

  Roxy: Hey, Jas, when it’s my turn to be described, could you say I have some kind of cool scar? Or a single alarming eyebrow? Ooh, or what about a snaggletooth?

  Jas: Um, I’ll think about it.

  Roxy: You are a really bad liar. Anyway, do you know where the room service menu is? My snaggletooth and I are starving.

  5Polly: Remember the time Roxy came to school wearing one tennis sock and one knee sock with her uniform? And she didn’t even realize it.

  Jas: Yeah. And the next day all the seventh graders were doing it because they thought she was making a fashion statement.

  Roxy: Wow, look at this! You can order an entire hors d’oeuvres party sampler with little baby spring rolls and cut-up vegetables and dip! DIP! It says one is enough for a party of ten. I’ll order two. We’re going to need to be well fed for what we have planned.

  Jas: Planned? What are you talking about?

  Polly: Nothing. Hey, Jas, weren’t you in the middle of something up there? In your story? Like, shouldn’t you be telling what we’re wearing today instead of picking on things we wore

  AGES ago?

  Jas: Um, no. What do you have planned? What plan???

  6Jas: Are you happy now?

  Polly: Not. I could get more description from a Do Not Dry Clean label.

  Roxy: Look! They have bagel dogs too! I love those!

  Jas: You aren’t going to tell me your plan, are you?

  Sigh.

  7Roxy: Not me. I think aliens did it. They could totally have used their advanced technologies to get into the house without being seen.

  Tom: Then why didn’t they use their advanced technologies to kill him? Why use a regular knife?

  Roxy: They like to experiment with our ways.

  Jas: Okay, Roxy, but what about this? It says here that police linked Len Phillips’s murder to an unsolved murder two months earlier here in Las Vegas. One that looked like it was done with the same weapon, by the same person. And Red Early was supposedly shooting a series on homelessness here in Vegas when that murder happened.

  Polly: Correction. He wasn’t just here in Las Vegas when the murder happened. His car was, like, a block away from the murder scene at the exact time of the killing. He was there, where the murder was going down. And he can’t produce any of the negatives of the photos he claimed he was taking.

  Roxy: That doesn’t mean it wasn’t aliens.

  Jas: What about the fact that Fred saw his father, Red Early, leaning over Len Phillips’s dead body?

  Roxy: Duh. Red got there after the aliens.

  Jas: You win. It was aliens. Here, I award you this beautifully carved lemon garnish.

  8Roxy: I sense your skepticism. But I accept your carved lemon garnish.

  Roxy: Likely because he would not believe it when Red spoke of the aliens.

  Polly: Or possibly because HE KNEW RED WAS GUILTY.

  Jas: Um, Roxy, why is there a piece of black licorice on your upper lip?

  Roxy: It’s supposed to be a mustache. I thought it would make me look more distinguished and give my arguments more credibility.

  Jas: Oh. It does. Definitely.

  9Roxy: Ahem. This article in Weekly World News does.

  Tom: Let me guess. The thumb was taken by aliens.

  Roxy: Aliens happen to think the human thumb is the seat of the soul.

  Tom: And you know that from your long discussions with aliens?

  Roxy: You are just jealous because this proves I am right and have been right all along. Admit it!

  Jas: Roxy, menacing Tom with your garnish does not make you look distinguished. Thank you for bringing that very interesting article to my attention. Now—

  Roxy: You should really read it, Jas. Look, they have proof, too. They found a weird footprint outside the window of the room where the body was found. See? In the photo? Does that look like a normal footprint to you?

  Jas: Um, no. But how do we know that the picture was really taken outside that window and not, like, outside a building with a sign saying Weekly World News Headquarters?

  Roxy: Fine. If you want to be one of those people who think aliens only murder in the movies, go right ahead. But don’t come crying to me when they knock on your door and you don’t know the proper way to greet them to avoid having your brain slurped out through your nostrils. It happened five times in California alone last year.

  Jas: You made that up.

  Roxy: Did I? Can you be sure?

  (slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp)

  10Polly: Probably aliens.

  Jas: Funny, that is exactly what I was thinking.

  Roxy: Oh, ha ha. Let it be known that while you two were riding the Scoff Express, I was eating
the last of the cookies. That’s right. Who is laughing now?

  Polly: You mean the cookies that fell on the floor?

  Roxy: I hear nothing.

  11Roxy: For real, though, “I will hunt you for a hundred years” would make a good song title for our band, don’t you think?

  Polly: It does have a kind of country-meets-punk vibe.

  Jas: Yes, where “country” means “serial” and “punk” means “killer.”

  Polly: Oh, you with your crazy crime-fighting obsession. I bet you even think Little Bunny Foo Foo is a serial killer.

  Jas: He was known for scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

  Polly: Have you considered seeking help for this condition?

  Jas: Have you considered that the story is up there? Get back up there! Enough chitchat!

  12Jas: Was there another one of those Solid Gold marathons on VH1 while I was gone?

  Tom: I’m afraid so.

  13Tom: I don’t want to know what that means, do I? “Totally Visa”?

  Jas: Everywhere you want to be, hot stuff.

  Tom: I feel so unclean now. I mean, thanks.

  14Little Life Lesson 24, generously and out of the kindness of her heart provided by Polly Prentis, fascist fashion guru: Sometimes you can save a mismatched or hideously unflattering outfit that you have no idea why anyone would buy—that means you, Jas. What have I told you about wearing olive green? That’s right, hang your head in shame—with the right shade of lip gloss and eye shadow.

  15Polly: No, I think, “I got shot at Madam Tussauds” is a better song title than “Mohammad Ali saved my life.”

  Roxy: Although that one is kind of inspirational. Sort of gospel.

  Polly: We’re an angry girl band.

  Roxy: You’re right. What about “Simon Cowell’s Boogers”? That sounds angry.

  Polly: THAT is a—

  Jas: Hello? What are you doing?

  Polly: You said we were whispering among ourselves. So we’re whispering.

  Jas: I said you were talking about how you had to Wear the Mask to cover your heart-wrenching reaction to my near death.

  Polly: We did that already. You don’t want us to get maudlin, do you? Plus, we’re working on the band. Don’t you have evidence to find or something? We’ll be there when you need us.

  16Roxy: Is that the guy that Jas picked up at the UCLA library the day she’d had that eye test that messed up her vision?

  Polly: Exactly.

  Roxy: The one who wore that metallic rainbow Speedo bathing suit when we went to the beach?

  Polly: Sometimes I wake up screaming in the night, and I think it’s because I’m remembering how that looked.

  Roxy: That could be a sign of an alien mental probe as well.

  Polly: You always give me such comfort, Rox.

  Jas: Hello? The book is up there. You two, zip it. And it was not metallic.

  17Jas: Um, Roxy? I am not sure you should be saddling up your high horse here. Do the words “I have fallen in love with the sad clown at the state fair and I am leaving all of you to follow him wherever carny life leads” ring any bells?

  Polly: Downtrodden Dan! That was his name.

  Jas: Yes, except that he turned out to be a sixty-five-year-old grandmother named Selma.

  Roxy: How was I supposed to know what was under the makeup? I fell in love with his heartache!

  Jas: People in glass stables shouldn’t throw stones, that is all I am saying.

  Polly: Gee, that is so profound. I can’t believe no one has put that on an inspirational poster yet.

  Jas: Your negativity flows off of me like burbling water over a smooth rock.

  Polly: Jas, you have outdone yourself. That was truly Pepto-abysmol.

  Jas: Thank you, I try.

  18Polly: That is because, precious, you just looked like you had indigestion. You should work on those poses. Just FYI.

  Roxy: Or maybe you could put a sign next to yourself. Like wall text at a museum. “Girl, depressed.

  Materials: teenage girl, angst, lip gloss.”

  Polly: That would completely have helped. And it would make a good song title.

  19Jas: Did you suffer horribly?

  Polly: It wasn’t that bad. I just pretended I was the spokesmodel for the I’m With Stupid world tour.

  Roxy: You know, that would make a sweet title for a song.

  20Polly: Oh, you want to play that way, do you? Okay, homegirl, here you go. Polly’s Life Lesson 1: When choosing a best friend, look her over for scars. If she has any that go with stories featuring such gems as: “…and then I got cut trying to get the girl’s flute out of the shark tank” or “I didn’t know monkeys could throw a punch either!” or “No, it’s all healed. My hair hasn’t caught fire for at least three weeks,” steer clear. You know what I am talking about, Jas.

  21Polly: I told you so.

  22Jas: I don’t know what Tom is talking about. What happened was Polly was supposed to jump up and land on my back, only we didn’t take into account how much more momentum there would be in that move with WHEELS involved.

  Roxy: Or that Polly would put her hands over your eyes.

  Jas: So I couldn’t see where I was going and vroomed straight into the side of the rink so hard that I flipped over it, and Polly flew through the air.

  Roxy: And landed in that man’s lap.

  Polly: He was very nice. He dropped the lawsuit right away when he heard who my parents were.

  And he can walk just fine now.

  Roxy: Tom is such an exaggerator. Still, it’s a good thing Polly was wearing a hard hat.

  23Polly: I have to say, Jack surprised me. I mean, Jas was obviously smitten, but given her track record, I expected to be underwhelmed. Instead, here was this guy who was unquestionably Front Row material.

  Roxy: I know. He was so cute, my first thought was that he had been genetically engineered.

  Polly: And well dressed. And he looked great with Jas.

  Roxy: Yes. Oh, well. I still can’t believe—

  Jas: Nothing to see here, folks. Eyes up on the story. Just ignore this space. Blah blah blah.

  24Polly: THAT WAS A SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCE AND YOU KNOW IT, JAS. We were coming to help you. Sheesh.