Heart of Hope: Books 1-4

by Williams, Ajme

  “Absolutely.” The last thing I wanted was to be anywhere near Devin or a Roarke property, but I had to do whatever was needed to grow my career. If Andrew wasn’t going to have Roarke money, I needed to work my way up and get as many raises as possible to make sure he had everything he needed.

  “He’s in Europe this week.”

  Maybe he’ll stay, I thought. It would sure make my life easier, if not sadder, if he did.

  “When he gets back, we’ll go over final St. Pat plans with him.”

  “Okay.”

  “Also, I’m hearing rumors that he and his sister are looking at opening a club, we’ll want to learn about that. I could be another venue for us to consider for our clients, and they’ll likely want a grand opening party, which we can help with.” She smiled. “Ah, Rena, it’s so fortunate that you knew him. You’re going to be at the queen of hill here with that contact.”

  I smiled, or at least I hoped I was because inside I was dying a little bit. “Being a queen sounds nice.”

  Fortunately, I was able to get through the rest of the day without comments or questions about planning an engagement party or wedding for Devin. I couldn’t imagine how I’d do that. Even though I knew I could never be with him, it still hurt to think of him with someone else. Plus, if I was his engagement party planner, did I warn his fiancé that he was a cheater or did she know? His sister made it sound like the fiancé was giving him space to sow his oats. The rich must be a different sort of people to put up with that.

  When I arrived at my parents’ apartment to pick up Andrew, my mom invited us to stay for dinner. I was going to say no, but then Andrew said my mom had made his favorite dish, so I acquiesced.

  As I finished putting chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes on Andrew’s plate, my father asked, “So are things at work picking up now?”

  “What do you mean?” I asked putting green beans on Andrew’s plate and then mine.

  “After doing a party for the Roarke family, I’d think you’d have more work,” he said.

  Inwardly I rolled my eyes.

  “The family probably has lots of events,” my mother said. “I hear Devin Roarke is taking over the business. It’s good that you’ve already worked with him. I bet he’ll have a lot of events he needs help with.”

  “What is it with everyone wanting me to do events for Devin?” I snapped.

  Andrew’s eyes widened into round disks as they darted from me to my mother.

  My mother gasped and my father frowned.

  “Is there a reason we shouldn’t be interested in your career?” My father’s voice was low and serious like it was when I was in trouble as a kid.

  I inhaled a shaky breath working to get my irritation under control. “I’m sorry. I’m very grateful to have had Dev—Mr. Roarke’s business, but it’s put additional pressure on me at work.”

  “Are you mad, Mommy?” Andrew looked up at me with those sweet eyes. I swallowed as I saw Devin in those eyes.

  “No, honey. I’m just tired.” I rubbed his back. “Eat your dinner.” I looked at my parents. “Sorry.”

  “You know, if you’re going to move up in your career, you’ll probably need to learn to manage the extra pressure,” my mother said.

  “Yes. I will.” I focused my attention on my dinner. “I’ll be helping at the Roarke’s St. Patrick's party.”

  “See, your hard work is paying off,” my mother said picking up the potatoes. “Anyone want more spuds?”

  The rest of the meal went without incident. Afterward, I took Andrew home. We played a game of Uno and then I gave him a bath and got him ready for bed.

  Once he was settled, I got my glass of wine and sat near the window, staring off into space wondering what I was doing with my life. Nikita and my parents were right; working with the Roarke family would be good for my career, but how could I possibly continue to be around him? For one, I couldn’t seem to resist him when we were alone, but more importantly, the more I was with him, the more my conscience would pressure me to tell him the truth about Andrew. I was going to hell for sure for not telling him, but I was so scared of what could happen. They had the money to take Andrew from me. They also could turn my employer against me. I could be fired. They had the influence in New York to keep me from being hired elsewhere.

  It was difficult to think Devin would do that to me, and yet, the truth was, I didn’t really know him. I hadn’t known about his fiancé.

  I finished my wine still not having any answers to my dilemma. I was beginning to think there were no answers. If I was lucky, Devin would stay in Europe and I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. My heart clenched in my chest at the idea of not seeing him.

  Dammit. I couldn’t be with him and yet, that idea of never seeing him made me incredibly sad.

  12

  Devin

  Professionally, the trip to Europe went well. The plans for the Paris club were all set and ready to roll out. For all his talk about not wanting a club, my father hadn’t done anything to stop the project from continuing. He had the power to stop all the projects I did for the company, but he never did. It made me wonder if he was testing me somehow. If so, I wondered if I was passing or failing.

  My life wasn’t quite as on track personally. The trip did distract me from Serena when I was working, but late at night, alone in the large, soft bed, thoughts of her haunted me. I tried to focus on how she clearly wasn’t into me as a way to talk myself into letting her go. The problem was that the question of what the hell had happened ate at me and I couldn’t seem to let it go.

  The day after arriving back in the United States, I worked at the Roarke office to follow up on business issues in Europe as well as catch up on projects at home. I left the office early and headed to the event planning firm to find out once and for all what had Serena ghosting me for a second time.

  As I rode the elevator up to her firm’s floor, I wondered if knowing the truth would really set me free. With my luck, it would just piss me off. Or worse, hurt. At the same time, the not-knowing was making me nuts.

  I exited the elevator and stopped at the receptionist’s desk. “I’m here to see Ms. Serena Moore.”

  “Is she expecting you?”

  “No. I’m Devin Roarke. I think she’ll see me.” It was ballsy to expect that. At the same time, I knew being a Roarke would carry enough clout here that Serena would be hard-pressed not to see me. Her boss wouldn’t like her brushing me off.

  “Mr. Roarke?”

  I turned to see Nikita approaching me. “Is everything okay? We’re all set for the St. Patrick's party.”

  “Yes. I was hoping to see Ms. Moore.”

  “Oh?” Her smiled brightened. “I’m glad she contacted you. We’re very eager to help you with your upcoming plans.”

  I was lost. Serena never contacted me and I had no plans outside the St. Patrick's party at the Roarke, except Serena wasn’t the planner for that event.

  “Let me take you to her office,” Nikita said.

  “Thank you.” I followed her through a large bright room filled with desks where people were working. Off to the far side was an area with large tables and comfortable looking seating probably to meet with clients. When you got to be as important as my family, nearly everyone came to us for meetings, so I’d never been in that area.

  We entered a long hall and walked a few doors down. Nikita knocked.

  “Come in.” Hearing Serena’s voice sent a shot of adrenaline through me. I took a breath to guard against any more reactions. It was time to find out what happened and then move on. My emotions had to stay out of it.

  Nikita opened the door. “Mr. Roarke. Would you like coffee or wine? We have sparkling water too.”

  “No thank you,” I said stepping into Serena’s office.

  “Mr. Roarke.” Her eyes widened and then turned wary. Yep. I was leaving here an unattached man.

  “Ms. Moore.”

  She stood as Nikita closed the door behind me. We stared a
t each other for a long moment before she finally said, “Is there something I can help you with?”

  “Yes. You can tell me what the fuck is going on.”

  She flinched at my tone.

  I held my hands up and took a breath. “Sorry. I get that you’re done with me, but I can’t seem to let go without knowing why. What happened?”

  Her expression morphed into irritation. “I’m not interested in being a little something on the side.”

  I stared at her trying to make sense of her words. “I still have no clue what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, for crying out loud, Devin, you have some gall.”

  I put my hands on my hips and shook my head. “Still clueless.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice that you took your fiancé into a private room?”

  Confusion had me frowning at her. “What fiancé?”

  “Oh my God. Are you really going to deny that you took Evelyn Winthrop into a private room at your parents’ anniversary party? The Evelyn Winthrop you’re engaged to marry?”

  “No. I did do that. Evie is a friend—”

  “Stop lying, Devin!” she snapped, making me jerk in surprise.

  Anger replaced my shock. “I’m many things, Serena, a liar isn’t one of them.”

  “So, your sister is a liar? Because she told me you were in that room fucking Evelyn to appease her for wanting to put off your wedding until you finished sowing your oats.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I laughed derisively. “Do you want the truth or do you just want to believe I’m an asshole?”

  “If you weren’t fucking her what were you doing?”

  “Do you really want to know or are you simply going to keep accusing me of being a liar and a cheat?”

  Her jaw tightened. “I’d like to hear what you have to say.”

  “What I have to say is the truth, but it won’t be worth wasting my breath if you’re just going to accuse me of lying.” At least I knew why she ran off and ignored my calls. But it irked that she believed I’d sleep with her while engaged to someone else.

  She cocked and her brows lifted in an “I’m listening” signal.

  “Our parents want us to get married—”

  “See! Engaged.”

  “Do you want the truth or not?” I bellowed wondering how thick her office walls were. Were her colleagues overhearing this? Not that I cared, but she might.

  “Fine.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Our parents think they live in the eighteenth century, and have plotted for me to marry Evie practically since birth. But—" I held up my hand to stop her from interrupting again. “Evie and I don’t want to get married. We’re friends. That’s it. We’ve spent the last five or six years—”

  “So, the last time we were together you were engaged to her.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Serena, are you listening to me? We’re not engaged. Neither Evie nor I want to get married. I met with her at the party because even after five years being gone, our parents are still trying to arrange a marriage that we don’t want, and we’re trying to figure out how to make them stop.”

  She studied me with hard eyes and I got the sense she didn’t believe me. “Why not?”

  “Why not what?”

  “Why don’t you want to marry her?”

  “I don’t love her. Evie and I have been friends forever but that’s it. Neither of us has been attracted to the other. Ever,” I explained in case she wondered about my history with Evie. “To be honest, I’d nearly forgotten about this betrothal during my time away. But once I got back to New York, my mother was all over me about it. She’s threatened to disinherit me—” I stopped because there was no reason for Serena to know that.

  “Oh well, I can’t imagine you’d be able to survive without your bazillions of dollars so you’ll have to marry her.”

  The anger dissipated and instead was replaced by sadness, hurt, and an acceptance that Serena wasn’t the woman she’d been before. My trying to find the joy and happiness we had before was unrealistic.

  “Don’t worry about me. I’m competent. I’ll do just fine if they disinherit me for not marrying Evie, because whatever happens here, between you and me, won’t change the fact that I’m not marrying her. Ever.”

  She looked down, her finger running mindlessly over a paper on her desk. I was dying to know what was running through her head.

  “Be honest with me, Serena. If you hadn’t thought I was engaged, would you have shown up at the bed and breakfast after my parents’ party?”

  She swallowed, and I could see she didn’t want to answer.

  It was time to stop pushing her hoping she’d be open to me. “Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter now. The fact that you think I’m capable of lying and cheating says a lot.”

  Her eyes snapped up, and heat flashed in them. “I’m not the bad guy.”

  I laughed. “You accusing me of something I didn’t do makes me the bad guy? I can’t seem to win.” I sucked in a deep breath and readied myself to walk out; to walk away from Serena forever. “I’m a fucking pussy. Do you know how much I thought about you the five years I was gone? How much time I’ve wasted over the last several weeks trying to figure out how to reach you?”

  Her breath hitched.

  “Why?” I shrugged. “For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve been trying so hard when from the start you were clear you didn’t want to be around me. Ah sure, I’m a good fuck in private where no one could know, but for some reason I’m not good enough.” I shook my head. “It’s quite humbling.” I held a hand up before she could speak. “Don’t tell me I’ll get over it. I know you want to. I get now what sort of man you think I am.” Why was I still there? The longer I stayed, the bigger putz I became. To save my pride, I turned and started to the door.

  “Devin.” She reached the door before I could open it. I saw regret in her eyes along with something else. It was that something else that kept getting in our way.

  “What else was I supposed to think?” she asked.

  I rested my palm against the door as I looked into her blue eyes. “Oh, I don’t know…maybe you could trust me. At the very least you could ask me. Or tell me off that night. I should have known when you ran off that it was over. Running away without a word is your M.O.”

  She looked down again. At least she seemed to feel some shame over her behavior.

  “Look just tell me you don’t want to be with me. Believe it or not, it’s not the first time I’ve heard it,” I said.

  “It’s not that.”

  “Then what is it, Serena, because I’m tired of feeling like a sad sap.”

  “Your family—”

  “Leave them out of this. What they want or think doesn’t matter. Not to me.”

  “But your family legacy—”

  “Fuck it. It’s not worth it to me to live their life just for money. They know it too. I told them I could walk away. If I have to marry Evie to stay in the family, then I’m leaving it. If they don’t like how I live my life, then I’ll walk away.” I shrugged because I couldn’t figure out what to say or do to make her see. “Five years ago, I met a woman who inspired me to live my life. At the time I hadn’t been brave or confident enough to tell my parents I wasn’t going to Europe so I could stay with her. Five years later I am. Unfortunately for me, that woman doesn’t want to be with me.”

  “Devin.” Her voice was soft, and I could see I was reaching her. Of course, we’d been here before. I didn’t want to keep playing this game where we’d have a fight, come together, and then she’d put up barriers again.

  “Tell me to leave, Serena. I don’t want to continue like this, but I can’t seem to quit you on my own. You need to tell me.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t.”

  I closed my eyes feeling both relieved and yet tormented. “Then tell me what you do want.”

  “You.” Her voice was so quiet, I wasn’t sure I he
ard right.

  I stared into her eyes hoping to see if I could find meaning there. Our gazes held, and I felt that pull she had over me. Like my heart was tethered to hers and pulling me to her.

  Her hand went to my cheek and I got the sense that she was feeling the same as I was. That there was something special between us and being terrified of it.

  I gave in to the pull, leaning towards her.

  “I could be fired,” she said softly.

  “What? Why?”

  “You’re a client.”

  That stopped me. “Is that why you’ve run hot and cold?”

  She gave a noncommittal shrug.

  “Do you want to be with me?” I asked.

  She nodded.

  I wanted to assure her that I wouldn’t let her get fired or suffer financially if she was, but I also knew that wasn’t the right response. She was a strong independent woman. She wouldn’t want to be rescued by a man.

  “What can I do?” I asked.

  “You could kiss me.”

  I didn’t need to be asked twice. And when she pushed the button locking her door, I knew she was mine. Maybe not forever. Maybe not even tomorrow. But right now, she was mine.

  13

  Serena

  Here I was again. Like the movie Groundhog Day, I was reliving the same scenario over and over. When I was on the verge of finally ending things with Devin, I found the prospect of never seeing him again too difficult to fathom, and so I reached for him, giving in to my need for him. My brain was telling me I was playing a cruel and dangerous game, but my chest was thick with need and emotion that was more compelling than the warning bells ringing in my head.

  His lips covered mine, and immediately I sank into him. Giving all of myself to him. Outside the door, my boss and colleagues were going about their day. At home, my mother was watching Andrew. But in this moment, all I could focus on was Devin and how much I wanted him.

  Why did I need him so much? Why wasn’t I strong enough to say no when he was standing in front of me? Was it those magnificent green eyes staring at me with pain and confusion that made me feel like a beast for pushing him away? Was it the way that he always deferred to me? He’d have walked out, I have no doubt. He wasn’t pushing or pressuring me. Maybe if he did, I’d be able to resist.