“Does he love me?”
Fuck he was talking like I wasn’t there.
“Yes, son. I love you so much.” That had been the strangest part of all this. I’d cared for him when he was just Serena’s son, but hearing he was mine; it was like my heart doubled in size.
He looked at me with apprehension. “Can I call you Daddy?”
Jesus…make that quadrupled in size. I covered my heart with my hand. “Yes. I’d love it if you did.”
23
Serena
I was broken. My heart. My soul. When I walked into my parents’ apartment that afternoon and saw Devin and realized he knew about being Andrew’s father, I felt my entire world crumble. I wanted to go back and do it all over again. But now it was too late.
I wanted to beg him to forgive me, but I could see in his eyes that I’d hurt him too badly. He was broken too. He was devastated and it was my fault. I’d been a selfish bitch, only worried about my feelings and protecting Andrew. I hadn’t seriously considered Devin’s feelings. The truth was, I didn’t deserve him. The entirety of our relationship I’d been selfish and hurtful.
But Andrew did deserve him, and so I’d need to do whatever I could to support their relationship.
“Devin would like you to go stay with him for a day tomorrow,” I said. I was trying so hard to be strong and positive for Andrew, but it was so hard. Inside, I was completely undone.
Andrew looked from Devin to me. “Do I have to sleep there?”
“A sleepover will be fun,” Devin said.
“Where will I sleep?”
“I’ll have a bed for you. Your own room. I can hang airplanes if you want.” Devin remembered Andrew wanting his planes hung. See, he was good dad material even before he knew he was a dad.
“What about my toys?” Andrew’s expression was apprehensive and I worried how Devin might interpret that.
“We’ll pack some of your favorites,” I said.
Andrew scooted off the couch and pressed against me. He looked up at me with his big blue eyes. “Will you be there too?”
I shook my head. “This is time with your dad.”
“What if I get scared?”
I glanced at Devin, who had resentment toward me in his eyes. I couldn’t blame him. Andrew was nervous about being with his own father. That was my fault.
“Then you tell Devin—ah…your dad, and he’ll help you.”
Andrew snuggled closer to me as he looked up at Devin. “Are you going to live with us now? Mommies and daddies live together.”
My heart stuttered in my chest as that dream fluttered away.
“Not all mommies and daddies live together,” I somehow managed. “Some of them have two homes. And Devin…your dad has a mommy and daddy, and a sister.”
“Are they nice?”
I looked away because I was terrified that they wouldn’t be.
“I’ll make sure they are,” Devin said.
Andrew shrugged. “Okay.”
“I know you’ll have fun,” I said. “Why don’t you go in the kitchen with Grandma and Grandpa, so Devin and I can finish our talk.”
“’kay.” Andrew started past me. When he got to Devin he stopped. “Do you like to play Go Fish?”
Devin smiled. “I haven’t played in a long time.”
“I’ll show you how. I’m good at it.”
“I bet you are.”
Andrew reached out and hugged Devin. Devin buried his face against Andrew. It was beautiful to see, even as it made me feel worse.
Andrew ran off to the kitchen. The minute he was out of the room, Devin jumped up and moved away, like he couldn’t put distance between us fast enough.
“I’m sorry, Devin.” The words were so inadequate, and yet I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I desperately wanted to find the words that would allow him to forgive me, but those words didn’t exist.
He held his hand up. “Don’t. Your words are worthless.”
I nodded. His words were like a knife to my heart. He paced for a moment. “When can I come get him tomorrow?”
“I can bring him to your place. Nine or so?”
He looked at me with such pain and loathing, I wanted to shrivel and disappear.
“You still don’t think I can—”
I shook my head. “It’s not a reflection of you. I think it would be an easier transition for Andrew if I bring him to you. That’s all.”
He gave a curt nod. “Fine. My parents’ house. Nine tomorrow.”
“Yes. Okay.”
He stared at me for a moment. “I thought I knew you.”
My lips quivered and tears streamed down my face. “I’m sorry. I really am.” I looked down as the shame became too difficult to bear.
“Why? Jesus…why Serena?”
The pain in his voice had me breaking.
“At first I was afraid. I knew I needed to tell you, but the longer time went the harder it was.”
“That makes no sense.”
“I was trying to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t destroy your feelings for me.”
His jaw tightened. “You should have told me from the beginning. I should have known you were pregnant.”
I wondered what he would have done. Would he have come back to New York? Would he have insisted I go Europe with him? At that time, he wasn’t standing up to his mother.
He put his hands on his hips. “If you’d come to Europe with me, I’d have known.” He said as if he’d just realized it. “Did you know you were pregnant and that’s why you didn’t come? Because your parents certainly didn’t talk you out of coming. They were clueless about that.”
“Your mother talked me out of going with you.” I wondered if I should have kept that to myself. This was my fault, and while she played a role, in the end, all this was on me.
“You lie. Do you lie about everything?”
“I’m not lying.”
His expression was disbelieving as he stared at me. “She didn’t even know about you. How could she talk you out of going?”
I inhaled a breath, trying to gather strength before I wilted into a pile of ash. “She came to my dorm room. She told me you were leading me on—”
“And you believed her.”
“She told me you were spending time with other women. She showed me a picture of you and Evie. It was clear you two were close.” I sank into the nearest chair.
“I told you about me and Evie.”
“Recently, but back then—”
“You could have asked.”
“I could have,” I admitted. “I was a twenty-one-year-old girl from a regular family, swept up by you.” I looked up at him. “I thought you were too good to be true. I was afraid to take the risk that your mom was right. How would I get home if it didn’t work out?”
“And when you found out you were pregnant?” He crossed his arms looking down on me with harsh eyes.
“I told you. I went to your mom and she said you never mentioned me and so I couldn’t be important. You had a future that couldn’t be ruined by the likes of me. She offered me money to go away.”
“Fuck.” He turned away. I hoped his reaction meant that he believed me. “What about when we met up again? You could have told me then.”
“I should have. My reasoning for not telling you made sense at the time—”
“Like what?” he demanded. “What possible excuse is reasonable to keep me from knowing I’m a father.”
“Protecting Andrew.”
“From me?”
“From your mother. And I was afraid I’d lose him. I was going to tell you, Devin. I really was. I was just too late. I know there is nothing I can say or do that will have you forgive me, but I need you to know—”
“Need me to know? Now you have something I need to know.”
I looked down, because he was right. I was offering too little, too late. Finally, I stood and moved to stand in front of him. I’d say this looking into his hurt, sad, angry green
eyes.
“I love you.”
He scoffed. “Excuse me if I don’t believe you.”
I nodded, knowing I had to accept that.
“I have to leave,” he said.
“Andrew,” I called out.
Andrew ran through the kitchen door.
“Dev—your dad has to go.”
Devin squatted down Andrew’s level. “I’ll see you tomorrow. We’ll do something fun.”
“’Kay. Bye Daddy.” He hugged Devin.
When Devin left, I sent Andrew back into the kitchen because I needed a minute to pull myself together.
My father exited the kitchen and came to me. “I’m sorry, honey. I thought you’d told him at lunch.”
“I messed up, Dad.” I sank down on the couch and cried.
He sat next to me, taking me into his arms. “Yes, you did. But, there’s time. He’ll come around.”
I shook my head. “No. He hates me. I don’t blame him.”
“It’s raw pain right now, but over time, that will lessen. He’ll see the good woman in you. The great mom you are.”
I couldn’t see how. There was no way he could look at me and not see a deception of the worst kind.
“In the meantime, we’ll help you get a lawyer.”
“Dad—”
“Devin is a smart man. He’ll get one so he can protect his rights. You’ll want one too. You’ll need to set up a custody agreement and visits.”
He was right.
“I’m sorry to put you through this. I must be a disappointment—”
“Knock it off, Serena.” He gave me a shake. “Your mother and I are so proud of the woman you are. You’re a wonderful mother. You made a mistake, a mistake that was easy to make under the circumstances. Now we move on.”
I clung to him. “I love you, Dad.”
He kissed my head. “I love you too, honey.”
That night, Andrew was loaded with questions about Devin. How did we meet? Why didn’t he know about him? Why did I keep it a secret? What was his house like? On and on. I did my best to answer questions in a positive way, even though I really wanted to throw Devin’s mom under the bus. Granted, not telling Devin was on me, but she’d been a part of it too. Would he confront her on that? Did he even believe me?
Together we packed a bag of his favorite books and toys. I packed his clothes, choosing the newest, nicest options to avoid being judged by his family. Too late for that, I told myself as I closed his bag.
As I lay in bed, I prayed that Devin’s mother didn’t take her dislike of me out on Andrew. My mother had said she wouldn’t. That she’d see Andrew as an extension of Devin, but I wasn’t so sure of that. When I told her I was carrying Devin’s child, she’d offered me money to go away.
I had to trust that Devin would look after Andrew. Not just his physical care, but protect him emotionally from his mother if necessary.
24
Devin
I don’t remember getting from the Moore’s apartment to outside. For a time, I stood on the sidewalk wondering where I was and what was happening. Slowly, it came back to me. I’d sent Doug home thinking I might stay with Serena. Serena who all this time knew I was Andrew’s father. She’d hid him from me and then never told me about my relationship to him.
I pressed my hand over my chest as the pain from that pierced my heart again. I was a fucking moron to not have seen who she was. The signs were there. I’d known practically from the beginning that she was hiding something, and what did I do? I went and fucking fell in love with her.
All of a sudden, an arranged marriage with Evie sounded appealing. At least she and I were friends. I trusted her. And even if she lied, I wouldn’t have the heartbreak I had now.
And what the hell was it she said about my mother? My mother was just elitist enough to do what Serena accused her of, and yet at the same time, I couldn’t trust one thing Serena said.
Needing some time to sort out the chaos in my head, I started walking. When I passed a bar, I stopped in for a drink. By the time I finished, I was antsy to get started on this new phase of my life, which meant going to my parents to tell them the news.
I called for a car, and twenty minutes later, I was walking up the steps of my parents’ home.
Here goes nothing, I thought as I worked my way to my father’s study. I stepped in and assessed the progress on turning it into a bedroom. It still had his desk and books, but a bed was positioned in the far corner.
There was no reason for my father to be navigating steps, and while there were other options such as a stair chair or installing an elevator, it seemed best to create one level living for him. Since my mother hadn’t slept with him in years, it didn’t put her out.
I stopped for a moment as I considered my parents. They didn’t have a marriage built on love, but they didn’t dislike each other. I suppose they saw their marriage as a business relationship. They’d each done their part and so the partnership worked. The only expectation was to always put the family and business first. Maybe they’d been smart to keep love out of it.
“Devin.” My mother frowned. “You look like hell? Is something wrong?”
“Yes. We need to talk.”
She looked at my father, who was sitting at his desk, while she was helping him sort through papers.
“According to your father, you should be pleased about the board meeting.” Her tone suggested she didn’t like my father’s report of how I ran the meeting. That was the least of her concerns now.
“It’s not about the business.” I pulled out my phone and texted my sister, asking if she was in the house to come down to Dad’s study. She responded that she’d be right down.
I went to the bar next to my dad’s desk and poured another drink.
“What’s going on, Devin?” my father asked.
“Let’s wait for Bri. I want to tell you all together.”
“Oh goodness, you’re not running off or doing something crazy again, are you?” my mother snapped.
I looked at her and knew that while Serena had lied about Andrew, she’d been honest about my mother.
I downed my drink and poured another.
“Go easy on that, son,” my father said.
The doors opened and Briana breezed in. “You rang?”
I nodded. “I have to talk to you all about something.”
She quirked a brow. “Sounds ominous.” She took a seat on the couch. “Can’t wait to hear it.”
I stood looking at them wondering how to start. Did I just blurt it out? I’m a father? Did I confront my mother first?
“Devin?” my mother prodded.
“Five years ago, before I left for Europe, I met a woman.” I turned my attention to my mother, wanting to gauge her reaction. Her eyes narrowed slightly, but I didn’t see anything that suggested what Serena accused her of.
“Ooh, I’m liking the sound of this already?” Bri said, her eyes glinting. Jesus, did she know how tortured I was feeling?
“I asked her to come with me, but she didn’t.” I watched my mom. She held my gaze defiantly. She did remember.
“Is she the first woman to say no to you? Oh wait, Evie doesn’t want you—”
“Brianna!” my mother snapped.
Bri rolled her eyes and sat back waiting for me to continue.
“When I got back, I ran into her again. And like before, I was drawn to her.”
“Oh for heaven’s sake,” my mother said. “You should know by now that lust isn’t love.”
I whirled on her. “What do you know of love?”
“Devin!” My father slapped his hand on his desk. “Have some respect.”
“Respect? Today I found out I’m a father.”
“What?” Bri shot up from the couch.
My mother’s lip curled as she turned away.
“You knew, Mom. She came to you five years ago.”
“What?” My father looked up at my mother. “What’s he saying, Katherine?”
&n
bsp; When she looked at my father, her expression had softened, like this situation was nothing.
“I had no way of knowing if she was telling the truth. She was probably just mad that Devin left her. She wanted money.”
“If that’s true, why didn’t she take the money you offered to make her go away?”
“Oh, Mother, you didn’t.” Bri said.
“You have no idea if that child is yours. She left. Didn’t even take the money. That’s proof the child isn’t yours, as far as I’m concerned. And now she’s probably trying to get back at you or me. Or get support for the child.”
I pulled out my phone and opened my picture app. “Look at him.” My mother turned away. “Look at him!” I commanded. “Tell me he’s not mine.”
I held out the phone showing a picture I took of Andrew in the cockpit of the plane the day I took him and Serena to the museum.
My father stood and leaned toward me over his desk. Bri moved next to me and looked as well.
“Oh Devin, he’s cute. He’s definitely yours,” Bri said.
“You can’t know that for sure,” my mother snapped. “You need a DNA test.”
“Stop!” I clenched my fist. “Why would you do this? I’ve missed four years of his life.”
“I told you why. I had no way of knowing she was telling the truth. I was protecting you.”
“Bullshit!”
“Devin,” my father warned.
“No. She wasn’t protecting me. She was protecting her reputation. Everything this family does is about maintaining an illusion. It’s exhausting.”
“He’s right about that,” Brianna said as she took my phone and studied the picture. “Is that the plane?”
I nodded. “He wants to be a pilot.”
“So, you’ve been spending time with him but didn’t know he was yours?” Bri asked.
“Yes.” My jaw hurt from being so tight.
“The mother didn’t tell you?” Brianna looked at me.
“No.”
“See, he may not be yours,” my mother said matter-of-factly.
“Stop!” I slammed my hand down on the desk. Everyone jumped. “For once in your life, could you have some empathy? My fucking world just crashed and you’re a part of it, mother.”
Heart of Hope: Books 1-4 Page 42
