While he talks to the girls, I lower myself from the hay and make my way to the fence, climbing up where I can keep a reach on each of the girls from this side, too.
“Nice ride,” I say, settling my feet, moving each of my arms around the girls and over his.
“Thanks,” he says, pulling his left arm out from beneath mine and holding his hand up, waiting for me to high-five him. He clasps our fingers together again, not letting go this time.
“How many more rides are you planning?”
He looks between the girls and me, then toward all the guys waiting for his instructions. “Ya know, I was going to try for another one or two, but I owe Ava a ride, and I don’t think I can top what I just did to Loki.”
I nod slightly, rubbing my thumb over his hand still in my grasp. “Aubrey and I were thinking we’d ride with you.”
“In that case…” Chase looks toward his crew, calling out, “We’re calling it a day, guys. I have a riding date with my girls that’s more important to get to.”
Chase
I pick up Ava’s towel from her floor and take it into the girls’ connecting bathroom, hanging it on the back of her door. After, I turn and watch her sleep for a few moments. Her blankets and stuffed animals surround her, forming a cocoon of warmth and security around her sleeping form. She clings to her little stuffed horse, the one I bought for her when she was still a baby, and snores quietly.
I switch off her bedroom light and walk through the girls’ shared bathroom, peeking in on Aubrey in her room. Where Ava is still, and wrapped around her stuffed animal in the center of her bed, Aubrey is my little wild child. Her arms and legs are fully stretched out, turning her into a sleeping star, almost hanging off the bed. She has kicked all her covers off and her favorite stuffed monkey is on the floor beside her bed.
Even in their sleep, our girls are so different from each other. Something I fail to stop and notice, but most importantly appreciate, when they’re awake.
Then again, it’s not often I get to take this much time to watch them anymore. I’m gone a lot. I know that. I know I’m missing out. I can see it. I can feel it when I lift them up when I get home and they’re each a little bigger.
I miss this. Nightly tuck ins and checking on them before I turn in.
I miss them. Their bickering and laughs, and all of their hugs and love.
I miss my wife. The only woman I’ve ever loved, the one who gets me, and puts up with all of this.
But I can’t stop now. Not yet. This year is my year. I’m currently number one in the standings, and if I keep it up, if I continue to travel and rack up wins and money, I will finish the year as the World Champion. It will all have finally paid off, figuratively and literally.
After I adjust Aubrey in her bed, righting her blankets and her tiny body so she doesn’t fall, I kiss her head and walk out. As I pass through the door, I shut her overhead light off but make sure her nightlight is still shining in its place so she doesn’t wake up scared, then walk down our dark hallway to my and Allie’s room.
“They’re both down and out,” I say, crossing the threshold and closing the door behind me. Allie is already in bed with a book perched in her lap.
“You exhausted them with that ride and chores after,” she replies, looking up from the words in front of her.
“They exhausted me, too.” I chuckle and strip out of my T-shirt and jeans, wincing when I lift my shirt over my head.
“How bad is it?” she asks, setting her book aside.
“It’s strained, nothing more.” I crawl into bed beside her and sit back against our headboard, leaving one leg hanging off the bed and stretching the other out down the mattress.
“Don’t play that game with me, Chase,” she says, moving to her knees and facing me, placing her delicate fingers over my arm. “I’m not a doctor, I’m not another rider…” She gently presses in, searching out the root of my discomfort.
“Back side.” I hold my arm away from my body, just enough for her to slide her hand over my right triceps. “It really isn’t bad. Riding today worked it a little more than I thought it would is all.”
“Not if, but when and how bad, right?”
“Right, and it’s not bad, I promise.” We both know the reality of my job is I’m just as likely to get seriously hurt as I am to win. Well, actually, getting hurt is probably a higher probability than winning. Therefore, we don’t talk in ifs, but when and how bad. Muscle strains are common and minor, not even worth talking about—unless it’s your wife asking.
“Maybe you should take the weekend off?” she asks, right before pressing a kiss to my arm. Her lips are soft and it’s the type of kiss meant to soothe and heal, not get a reaction.
“I can’t, Allie, you know that. I’m on top, this is a big weekend, it would give me more padding in the standings.”
She sighs, and her warm breath radiates over my arm before she kisses it again. “One event won’t drop you down, Chase. I miss you. The girls miss you. You can take a couple days, let your arm heal up more, then get back at it next week. Just two days. Two extra days at home.”
“I wish it were that simple.” I do, I wish I could be here with my girls all the time. But rodeo, riding, that’s the job I chose—and just like any other job—I can’t stay home just to stay home. Especially not when I’m sitting at number one.
“I know. I just wish it could be, just this once. We need you, baby. I need you. This bed is way too big without you in it beside me.”
She’s the strongest woman I know, but I can hear it in her voice: the pain, the sorrow, the stress. It makes the constant ache deep in my chest grow a little worse.
“I need you, too. Always. To talk to, to support me, to give me a high five before all my rides… And shitty motel beds just aren’t the same as being here, holding you tight. They never will be,” I say, honestly. I pull my other leg up onto the bed and turn to her, moving my hand up to her jaw and drawing her in, kissing her lips, smoothing my tongue over the bottom one. “That need runs deep in my body, too. I don’t get enough of you.”
I kiss her again and pull her over me.
“Your arm,” she says, and kisses me back.
“It’s fine, just sore. And it won’t stop me from loving you.”
She exhales softly and slumps her shoulders forward, dropping her head to my chest. “I need you in that way, too. But not tonight. We can’t tonight.” She raises her eyes to mine, and I see it. The words she didn’t say, but she meant.
She’s not crying.
Not this time.
Not anymore.
After two and a half years, one miscarriage, and too many periods that have come and dashed our hopes away, she doesn’t cry anymore. She’s not pregnant, now—still.
“Okay, baby.” I give her as big of an understanding smile as I can muster and swallow hard. “What if I just hold you tonight?”
“I need that more than anything.”
We both adjust and reposition so I can still hold her close, keeping her to me with my arm secured around her body and my hand on her hip. She lays her head on my shoulder with her body pressed in close to my side, and her hand immediately goes to my chest, rubbing slow circles right over my heart.
While I hold her, I can’t help but think of our life. About the girls. About the baby we lost last year. Or the early days, when Allie was at every rodeo with me and we were both young and naïve to the ways of adult life.
Things were simple then. And the pain of losing a child and failing month after month to make another was nothing I would have ever even started to think of. I wouldn’t have been able to grasp them at all.
I also didn’t know the absolute love and joy being a father would give me, either.
Time is a double-edged sword. Who knew it could be such a blessing, and a curse? Speeding up and slowing down on its own whim, stealing precious moments before I can cherish them, or happening so slowly and vividly I can cement them in my memory forever.
<
br /> “I liked having you watching me, today.” It’s an abrupt change of topic, I know. But I want her to know it meant something to me. It was a moment in time I’ll cherish forever. Seeing Allie and Aubrey come out, having all of my girls right there, that’s what gave me the gumption to stay on Loki. They’re my strength. All three of them.
“I liked watching you,” she replies in her soft, sleepy voice. “It’s like we slipped right back into the old days. Pre-ride rituals, our unspoken words…”
I chuckle and squeeze her hip gently. “I was just thinking about the old days. They’re what you being out there reminded me of, too.”
“Things were so simple then, weren’t they?” Her fingers are drawing lazy hearts along my chest while she speaks now.
“They were, but I wouldn’t change what we have now. Not our ranch, not our marriage, and especially not our girls.”
“I wouldn’t either, Chase. I really wouldn’t. I just wish…” Her voice trails off and she keeps drawing, not finishing her thought, but I don’t need her to, either.
“I wish for a lot of things, Darlin’. The biggest being that I could be with you all more, or you could be with me, too.” She didn’t say that’s what she wished for, but she would have. I know her. I know how her mind works.
“Having the girls out on the circuit constantly is no life for them, baby. Aubrey would be miserable. And they would have to give up the activities at home they love. We always swore we wouldn’t force them; not like I was forced.”
“You’re right, but what if you all came to one with me this year?”
Allie raises her head and looks at me. “Which one were you thinking?”
“Come to Cheyenne. They have the carnival, concerts, it’s just as much about the family and fun as it is the riding.”
“The Daddy of ‘em All?”
I nod my head and grin. “The Daddy of ‘em All…”
Allie
I haven’t been to a Cheyenne Frontier Days in years. It’s close enough. The girls would absolutely love it. Ava could do all the rodeo stuff with her daddy, meet some of the riders she only sees or hears about online or on TV, and watch some of the women ride.
And my sweet Aubrey would love the carnival, and some of the less rodeo-driven, kid-oriented activities. Plus, it would be seven to ten days with my husband. We haven’t had that much time with him since last December.
“We’re in,” I say to him, returning his smile with one of my own. “Do you have a room of your own, or do I need to pull strings in the morning?”
His fingers slip beneath my tank top and slowly rub my back. “I was supposed to share with Cody.”
Cody. Our girls will be thrilled at getting to see him again. He’s been Chase’s best friend since they were kids, and he took me in as an honorary little sister when we met.
“Tell Uncle Cody we are getting our own room, but we will try to keep it close to his, if possible. The girls are going to go crazy seeing him.”
Chase’s laugh fills the room and his chest rises and falls heavily beneath my head with it. “You got it. He’ll be happy to see you all, too.”
I don’t say it, but he better be. He used to live here, about thirty minutes down the road, until he up and left to follow some skank to Texas. That lasted about a year and a half before she was caught in bed with someone else on the circuit. She was a buckle bunny, and he wasn’t winning as much as she thought he should be. She broke his heart.
Since then, he’s stayed in Texas, away from his family—us—chasing that damned dream on his own. The same one my husband is after. The one that constantly keeps good men away from the women and children who love them.
Chase rolls just the slightest bit more toward me and wraps both his arms around me, nuzzling into the top of my head.
“Good,” I respond, then kiss his throat and snuggle into him, breathing him in deep, clinging to his warmth, his scent, and how good and safe this feels now, because I know he will be gone again tomorrow.
Allie
Peanut butter, jelly, honey, and bread line the counter in front of me. The girls and I have a full day out and about. Ava has a dentist appointment and riding. Aubrey has gymnastics, and I want to keep them out of the house as long as possible. They need the day away. I need it, too.
“Mommy,” Ava saunters over, “can I have strawberry jelly?” She hops up onto the stool beside the counter and sits to watch me.
“It’s already out. Will you help me make yours? We’re running behind.”
She nods. “Knife, please,” she says matter-of-factly, as she reaches for the bread. I wait for her to get her slices out and then I grab two for Aubrey’s sandwich, spreading her peanut butter first then passing the knife and jar toward Ava.
“Please be careful. Go slow with the knife.”
“Duhhhh. I know the rules.”
Nine going on nineteen, that’s my daughter. I swear. I watch her carefully scoop the peanut butter out on the knife and then spread it over the bread, adding more than I would’ve given her. Then she grabs the squeezable jelly and tips it over her bread.
“Ew!” she shouts, then looks up with wide eyes. “Why is the jelly gross?”
I laugh and shake my head. “Give me, you didn’t shake it first.”
She passes the jelly over and I close the lid, shaking it so the liquid isn’t settled at the top anymore, then hand it back. “Now try it.”
She takes the jelly back and flips it over, lining the center of her bread with a wide strip. “Can I have a new knife?”
I shake my head. “No, use the same knife, it’s okay. We don’t need to dirty another one.”
With great determination, she spreads the jelly over her peanut butter and bread, making sure every inch has a light layer over it, then she very carefully slides off the stool and carries the knife to the sink, dropping it in with a clang.
“Did Aubrey get her shoes on?” I ask, as I spread honey over Aubrey’s sandwich instead of jelly. My girls wouldn’t have the same favorite sandwich, they’re such polar opposites of each other.
“I think so. She was buckling them.” Ava grabs two baggies out of the drawer and carries them over to me. “Can we take some chips?”
“Go grab two bags out of the pantry. You know what kind your sister likes.”
While Ava grabs the bags, I grab two small Gatorades for them and get everything put into an insulated lunch tote.
“Can I watch Daddy tonight?” she asks, dropping their chips inside.
Chase has his final ride at the rodeo tonight, and we’ve been able to catch a few over the internet and a crappy feed over the past few days. “Maybe. We’ll see later, okay?”
She nods her head, the hard-set look on her face identical to Chase’s when he’s trying to figure something out, so he can get what he wants. I know she wants to see him. She misses him. And watching is how she stays close while he’s away. But I really can’t guarantee she’ll be able to watch tonight. For one, I don’t know if we’ll be home, and for another, we may not be able to bring the feed up.
“Do you think he’ll win?”
“He and Uncle Cody are both doing really well. And they’re really close in points. So I think if Daddy doesn’t win, Uncle Cody will. Unless they both fall off tonight.”
“Daddy won’t fall. He’s the best.” She is Chase’s biggest fan. As far as she’s concerned, he hung the moon, the stars, and then he threw in the sun for good measure, too. But she isn’t wrong. He’s undoubtedly riding better this year than he ever has. I just wish it didn’t come at the cost of time with us.
“He is the best, you’re right.” I smile at her. “We’ll try to watch tonight, Ava. I promise we will try, if we can. But first, we need to go. Can you get Aubrey for me?”
“Yep.” She walks out of the kitchen, and then I hear her shout, “Oh! My hat! Aubrey, time to go!”
I hear her pattering footsteps get farther away in a hurry, and then I hear Aubrey’s smaller steps coming t
oward me.
“Hi, angel face,” I greet her.
“Hi, Mommy face,” she says back, showing off her toothless grin that makes my heart melt a little every time I see it.
“Are you ready for gymnastics?”
She lifts her T-shirt in response, letting me see her favorite purple leo that Chase bought her when school ended this year. “My baby has hers on, too.” She holds up her favorite doll that also has a leo on.
“You’re both so cute,” I say, planting a kiss on top of her head. “We will leave as soon as Ava comes back, she is getting her hat. Why don’t you go out to the car, and take this for me?” I hand her the tote with their lunches and watch her set out for the garage.
Ava’s hurried footsteps ring down the hall again and she appears with a proud smile. “I almost forgot my lucky hat!”
It matches Chase’s almost identically, and she refuses to ride without it. Both our girls have their ways of keeping their daddy close while he’s gone. And they’re both going to be on full display at their practices and lessons all day.
It’s been a long day. I’m so ready to head home, get dinner going, and relax with a book and a glass of wine. But we have to get through this last practice, first. Ava is sitting beside me on the barely padded bench with her head resting on my shoulder, and my phone in her hands. She’s not watching videos, or playing games. Not even a little. She’s pulling up the PRCA standings and checking to make sure Chase is still sitting at number one.
“Baby,” I say lightheartedly, “the results won’t change any until after they ride tonight. He’s still going to be in first.”
She looks up at me with heavy eyes and sun-kissed cheeks and nods. “You’re right. He’s still the best.” She closes out my phone and hands it back to me, not asking for more time or games. She’s still holding out hope that screen time tonight will include watching him. Instead, she points over to Aubrey working on the mini balance beam. “Look, she’s doing it!”
Hold on Tight (Cowboys & Angels Book 1) Page 2
