I look to where she’s pointing and watch Aubrey jumping off the beam before landing perfectly, steadily, back on the same beam beneath her. “She is.” I grin wide and continue to watch Aubrey. She’s excelling in a way neither Chase, nor I, expected her to her. And she loves it.
“Do you think I could do that?” It’s not at all something I would’ve expected Ava to ask, but I’m not upset she did.
“I think if you practiced at it, you could do anything you want to do.” I look down at her when Aubrey runs back to the end of the line behind her small class. “Do you want to try gymnastics, Ava?”
She returns my look, scrunching her nose up, and shaking her head no. “No way! I want to keep riding. I was just wondering.” She’s so sure of her answer, she almost sounds shocked I would ask such a thing.
“Okay,” I murmur into the crown of her head. “If you want to try something else though, you can. Anytime you want. Okay? Daddy and I both want you to do what you want to. Only you.”
“’Kay. But I’ll never stop riding. I love it.”
She settles her head back against my arm and we continue to watch Aubrey. When it’s her turn again, I pull my phone back out and capture a video of her jumps and landings, her spinning and stopping, all with precise steps on the beam. Her smile grows wider with each successful turn. She is truly in her element, and she loves it. She keeps practicing on the mini beam for a while, and then they move over to the floor and work on other basic skills. She’s mastering them quickly. I couldn’t be prouder if I tried.
But, it also makes me sad. Chase is missing out on some truly spectacular moments with our girls this summer. He’s not getting to see her here in person. He can’t give her hugs and high fives when she finishes, and shower her in praise and love. I hate he’s missing it all.
For Aubrey.
For Chase.
For Ava, too. Because she’s got her own triumphs to celebrate, and more than with Aubrey, she is seeking Chase’s approval. She wants to ride the big rides and events, just like him. And he’s not around to watch her grow and learn, to be a part of the journey she’s already committed them both to.
By the time we’re finally home for the night, both the girls are exhausted, in desperate need of showers, and Ava is dying to watch Chase. While they get cleaned up, I do some of the chores that are our responsibility out in the barn, and then I send the videos I got of the girls today to him with a text.
Allie: Hey! The girls had great days at their practices. Enjoy watching these later. Be safe riding. Mind your arm. And give ‘em hell tonight, Cowboy. We miss and love you more than you can imagine. Talk to you later.
I won’t hear back from him, not until late tonight, or tomorrow sometime. So I pocket my phone and finish what I need to, then head in to try to set up the computer and TV for the girls to watch him. This is how it goes. He’s been gone for three days now, and I’m not sure when we’ll get to see him again. So I’ll do what I can to at least let the girls see him on the screen.
Chase
There’s something about the hot, muggy air that makes the smell of everything so much more noticeable today. The fried goods being sold for rodeo goers, the smell of manure from all the livestock, the staleness of the tent surrounding me while I get my shit on and ready to ride, mixed with the stench of blood and sweat from all the riders who have taken their turns today already. It’s the unmistakable scent of home. My second home—or maybe my first—but not my permanent.
My forever home is wherever my wife is. Fuck, do I miss her. I read her text again and hit play with a smile, watching Aubrey wearing the purple leo I got her, owning the beam and mats. Then I swipe over to Ava up on the horse at the training grounds, wearing her hat. The same damn one I’ll be wearing when I ride tonight. My girls, all three of them, are amazing. I can’t wait to hear all about everything they’ve been doing, but that has to wait. I need to get focused on the here, and now; I’ve got a ride coming up.
I silence my phone and lock it in my mini locker, then run through my mental checklist one last time, making sure I’ve got everything I need.
Chaps.
Glove.
Protective vest.
Hat.
And my rope. Every last bit of it is as much a part of me as the heart beating in my chest. As the gold band that has never, and will never, leave my finger. I kiss over my ring silently, closing my eyes and thinking of Allie one last time, then pull out the tape and wrap it over, securing my ring in place so I can’t risk anything yanking it, or my finger, off.
It’s my ritual. The thing I do before every ride to keep Allie with me. I don’t even think she knows I do it, but a ride just wouldn’t be the same, I wouldn’t feel as comfortable or as confident, if I didn’t.
With my rope over my shoulder I step out of the tent and into the hot evening air. It’s fresher than the tent, but still holds all the smells of the rodeo around me. I make my way over to the arena, passing the other riders in various states of preparation, conversation, or reflection. The crowd in the stands is good tonight. They’re loud, even though this is a smaller rodeo. It’s the perfect night to go out there and make my final ride for this event.
I walk up to the chutes, catching the end of the team roping event, watching the winners of the round take their victory lap.
“There you are,” Cody’s voice booms out.
I look up and make my way over to him beside the second chute they’re loading the bulls into for the round.
“Here I am,” I remark, settling beside him and raising my foot to the rail in front of me. “You’re the third rider?”
“That I am,” he says, smirking. “Drew the baby I wanted for tonight, too.”
“Are we talking bulls or women now?” I ask, glancing his way.
“Yes, sir.”
I chuckle and shake my head at him. “I know who you drew for the ride, which woman is going back to the hotel on your arm?”
“Pretty blonde up there,” he angles his head toward the stands, giving the nod to a blonde girl and her friend, drawing out their smiles and waves.
“Only you, man. Only you.” I tip my hat to them and clap a hand over his shoulder. “Good luck with that.”
“I don’t need luck, brother,” he retorts. “You know that. These rides are mine. All of them.”
The cocky bastard. The way he’s been riding this rodeo, I don’t doubt that for a second. We’ve been jockeying for first in the average since night one ended.
“We’ll see about that, asshole.” Just because I think he may have a shot at beating me tonight doesn’t mean I have to tell him.
Cody laughs and turns back toward me. “You’re just jealous I’m getting the girls and the buckle this weekend.”
“You can take the girls,” I answer, rubbing my fingers over my taped wedding band. “I’ve already got the woman of my dreams, you know that.”
I watch Trevor McKinnon nod from where he’s perched over his bull in the chute, indicating to the guys on the ground he’s ready for them to release the gate. He drew a crazy one tonight. His first second or two out of the gate are good, but then the bull turns in on him and he loses his grip, sliding on its back before he’s sent flying. I cringe when he lands.
“That’s going to leave a mark,” Cody pipes up beside me.
“No shit.” We’re all used to it. Most rides come with their own aches and pains after, but the adrenaline, the rush—add in the money we can make—and the glory that comes with being the best… It’s all worth it. Hell, it’s more than worth the knocks.
“Speaking of having the woman of your dreams.” He taps his knuckles over the rail in front of us. “How are Allie and the girls?”
I’m not sure what the best way to answer is. They’re healthy, they’re home and safe. The girls are happy. But Allie hasn’t sounded very happy lately. Even if her texts would seem to say otherwise. I know better. It makes me feel like shit.
I sigh, “Honestly?”
/> He gives a little nod as we make our way toward where he’ll be getting ready in the chute.
“This season is taking its toll on Allie. She sounds tired every time I talk to her. Even when I’m home, her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes every time. She wants me home more. And with every passing month that it’s another no, her spirits fall a little more. So do mine.”
“It’ll happen when it’s meant to,” he says half-heartedly. His attention is already on the ride ahead of him, so I don’t even bother answering. At this point, I don’t know that I believe him, anyway.
They load his bull, and the fourth, into the chutes once the next ride starts, and Cody starts to mentally prepare. His focus shifts to the bull he’s lowering himself on, and so does mine. I help him get set, adjusting the rope, giving the bull a nudge so Cody has room to sink his legs down between the bull and the wall of the chute. I watch him wrap his hand beneath the rope, adjust his grip, and steady himself when the bull bucks up, anxious to get out already.
“Eight seconds,” I shout over the ruckus of the chute and cowboys around us, helping him prepare. “Eight and you might beat me.” I pat his back hard and step back, watching Cody give his nod. The gate pulls open and he’s out, riding his ass off.
The clock ticks on, each passing second is one closer to the eight he needs. As my best friend, I want him to make his ride. As his competitor, I need his score to be low. The purse here isn’t the absolute best, but it’s still pretty hefty in size, and it’ll still add to my overall total for the year. I need as much of a padding going into finals at the end of the year as I can get. I want the title all but wrapped up by then.
The buzzer sounds and he works himself off the bull and behind a fighter, letting them usher the massive animal back through the trail of chutes and out of the arena before he hobbles over toward me.
“I pulled an ass muscle, dammit” he complains, with a triumphant smile on his face.
“Serves you right.” I laugh and shake his hand. “That was one hell of a ride, you fucker. You couldn’t just fall and let me take this, could you?”
He laughs loudly and flips me off, pulling his hat from his head and moving his hand through his hair. “Nah, I want to make your ass work for it.”
He would. And I’m glad. I don’t want it given to me, even if it’s by him.
We watch the rest of the riders this round, until it’s my turn to get ready. I climb onto the plank and tap Nitro, my bull, with my heel, watching his reaction, gauging how he’s going to be while I climb on top of him. He doesn’t react too extremely, so I lower myself down, straddling the mass of muscles that are his back and flanks. I hand my rope to Cody where he’s standing to help me, and he pulls it tight, giving me a chance to slide my hands up and down the rope, heating the sticky rosin on it, making it better for my grip so I don’t lose it during my ride.
Adrenaline is coursing through me now, making my hands shake just slightly, not enough for anyone else to notice it, but enough for me to know I’m ready. My body is preparing for the fight or flight feeling—and it’s always fight in me. It’s been trained to respond that way for years.
I steel myself against the nerves and slip my hand into the hold, positioning it just where I want it, before Cody loosens the slack one final time, so I can take it and wrap it for my final grip. It feels good. It feels right, and I take a deep breath before I move my body into position, just over my hand, up around Nitro’s shoulders with my chest forward and head tucked, focusing on Nitro’s spine. I tune everything out now, except for the massive body beneath me, the position of my hand, and the hard pat Cody sends to my back. Eight seconds. He’ll be saying it to me, just like I did to him.
With one final breath I nod my head, indicating I’m ready to ride. And just like that, the gate is pulled open and we’re off.
Nitro is a monster of a bull. He thrashes beneath me, going one way and then turning back on me a split second later, bucking high. My time is getting close, but I can feel my grip slipping, my legs sliding on his sides, and then he hurls himself into the air, and what little grip I had left is gone. My hand comes free and I’m flying off of him in grand fashion.
I drop my arms down, preparing for impact, and land solidly—picking my head up first to spot Nitro as fast as I can, so he doesn’t catch me off guard if he rushes me, and then pushing myself to my feet. The fighters already have Nitro moving back toward the gate and holding area where the pens are by the time I’m upright. I bend to pick up my hat and rope, noting instantly my arm is more fucked up now. Pain radiates up the back of it, and the muscle knots up instantly with my reach.
The pain’s easy to forget about when I hear my score announced. In my haze of holding on for dear life, I must’ve missed the buzzer, but I made my ride. Eighty-two is a fuckton better than the zero I was expecting, but it’s not enough to beat Cody tonight. It also means he may well take the average, too.
Shit.
I perch my hat back on my head, gritting my back teeth together when the pain amps up in my arm again.
“Hell of a ride, brother!” Cody says, slapping a hand to my back when I clear the gate. He walks beside me down the stretch of gravel, dirt, and patches of grass leading away from the arena. “I didn’t think you were going to last. It looked like he had your number.
“Hell, even I didn’t know I lasted. I missed the buzzer.”
“You hit it right as he went airborne, right before he sent your ass flying. He had you on the ropes the whole time. And yet you still wouldn’t go down. This really may be your year. Finally.”
“It won’t be enough to beat you this go, though.” I adjust the rope over my shoulder with my bad arm and flinch, but ignore it as best I can and go on talking, “Enjoy the feeling of being on top while you are, next rodeo’s mine.”
“Your arm?” he asks. It’s not the smart-ass response I expected him to reply with. Also, not what I wanted him to say, either. Cody knows I’ve been riding hurt. But for him to say something, he knows it’s not just a tweak this time either, I don’t need that.
“What do you mean, my arm?” I try to play it off, I need to. I don’t have time to be hurt, or to explain myself.
“The way you’re holding it. The look on your face. You’ve always got an ugly mug, but you’d scare your own children with look you’re wearing now.”
I laugh out, tucking my arm closer to my side and nod my head. It’s the only affirmation he’s going to get. I respond vocally with, “Fuck you. We both know I’m the better looking one out of the two of us.”
“Keep dreaming,” he retorts easily. “Doc’s back there looking at Mitch now. Grab a bag of ice, suck it up, then meet me back out here. Yeah?”
“Christ, you’re more demanding than Allie.” I stop and look him over. “I’ll be back in a few. And speaking of my wife…not a word to her about this. Okay?”
He throws his arms up defensively. “Like I’ve got a death wish. She’d have me by the balls for not forcing you to take a weekend off. I’ll let you tell her you still haven’t healed.”
“Good.” I smirk. “She’d maybe let you keep them, though, she’s set on you having kids one day that she can spoil.”
I leave him standing there with a slacked jaw and go back toward the medical tent to get some ice and talk to Doc about my arm.
Allie
Chase has been gone for over a week again, now. The weather has been unbearably hot, and the girls are one meltdown each away from making me snap. Ava insists we livestream every single one of Chase’s rides, still, and Aubrey asks me daily when her daddy will be home.
Aubrey refuses to watch him this week, afraid she will see him get hurt more, and Ava refuses to do anything with her sister while their daddy is on the computer. The fights that come nearly daily during a rodeo are getting out of hand.
One child acts as though she doesn’t need him here because she’s his biggest cheerleader one minute, and then the next; she wants him home more than anyt
hing because she wants to be just like him one day. And he has to be here to teach her all about riding.
The other, depending on the day, acts like he is the only parent she has. And I get it. She’s six and she loves her dad. She misses him. She misses stories. She wants and needs to feel safe. And Mommy just isn’t the same. I really get it. But I can’t make Chase come home. I can’t give Aubrey her daddy just because she wants him. Just like I can’t make Chase show up so Ava can enter her first rodeo and have him be there for her, because right now, that’s what she wants more than anything in the world.
It’s too much.
When we last said goodbye to him, the morning after we decided the girls and I would go to Cheyenne too, I thought we would see him home between events. We watched his final ride on Sunday, and I thought he’d be home Monday. But Cody and another of their buddies invited him to a camp in Texas. It’s a camp to help young riders learn, but I can’t help but wonder why he chose strangers’ children over his own.
I can’t help but be angry that again, when I need him home, when I need a break, he is nowhere to be found. I love the man more than life, and I would never ask him to give up his dream, but I need him, too.
Then again…this isn’t the first time he’s pulled a Houdini after I’ve told him I’m not pregnant. Not at all. The first time was about three months after my miscarriage. My doctor had given us the green light, and Chase was determined. We both were.
We didn’t want to replace the baby we lost. Not in the least. But I think we both got a sense of how much love we still have to give, and it made that feeling so real. It made the planning and dreaming our favorite way to pass the time on the phone. Then it was gone. And we were left with so much love to give, and so much grief over what we lost, we didn’t know up from down. So trying again, as soon as we could, was how we were going to honor our lost baby. It was how we would cope with what we no longer had. If we focused our energy on what could still be, we wouldn’t have to acknowledge what might have been.
Hold on Tight (Cowboys & Angels Book 1) Page 3
