Hold on Tight (Cowboys & Angels Book 1)

by Anjelica Grace

  “Thank you. And my family?”

  She smiles, revealing the slight gap between her teeth, her green eyes bright beneath the dark makeup around her lids. “Your wife, daughters, and your brother are all waiting to come back. I’ll go out and get them.”

  “I appreciate that.” She smiles again, then turns on a squeaky heel and walks out of my room, leaving me and my broken body to think about everything alone.

  At least the beeping stopped. Around the time she stepped away from the machines, in fact. That’s good. Now the constant clicks of the clock hands ticking by are reminding me of time, my surgery, and the fact I really want to see my girls, but they aren’t here yet.

  It’s reminding me I still have no idea what my prognosis is or whether I’ll be able to walk again. It’s reminding me I have no answers at all. That frustrates me to no end.

  A commotion outside my room draws my attention from the clock to the door, where both my girls are walking in carrying balloons and smiling wide, with Allie and Cody behind them.

  “We heard you could use some company,” Allie says, “and a drink. Your nurse passed this to me in the hall and instructed me to let you take sips until you’re certain you won’t lose it.”

  “And we brought balloons!” Aubrey says excitedly.

  “I see that. I love them. Thank you, girls. They’re perfect to make me feel better.”

  Aubrey and Ava exchange proud smiles with each other, and then set the balloons up in the corner of the room, out of the way where Cody pointed them.

  “I won’t lose it,” I finally reply to Allie. I smile at all of them, feeling the tightness in my chest start to lighten up a little just from their presence. “Have you heard from the doc yet?”

  “No, he was pulled into an emergency surgery right after yours, they said he’d come in here and update us when he’s able.”

  “You know more than me.”

  Allie steps around the girls and sets my drink down on the small table, then leans over and gives me a kiss. Her lips are so soft against my dry, chapped lips. They are perfection, and I want more of them.

  “How do you feel?” she asks, pulling away.

  “Not yet,” I whisper, reaching up for her neck and guiding her back to me. I kiss her again and smile genuinely when she exhales against me.

  “I’ve missed those.”

  “Darlin’, you have no clue how much I’ve missed them.” This time I let her pull back and then look at our little audience. Cody is by the door, smirking and shaking his head. And the girls each have their faces scrunched up and they’re giggling quietly between each other.

  “We get it, you two haven’t kissed or—” Cody trails off, glancing down at the girls before finishing, “in a long time. But the three of us don’t want to see it.”

  Allie laughs and rolls her eyes, and I flip him the bird, garnering another loud laugh from Allie and one from him, too.

  “You’ll get it one day.” I shrug and then look between all of them. “I’m feeling okay. Everything is still pretty numb and drugged up from the surgery, but I’m sure the pain will come soon. I’d like to know what’s going on with me.”

  “Me, too,” Allie agrees. “But I think it’ll be a while. Cody said he could take the girls to the hotel for the night, grab some pizza for dinner, and then they’ll come back in the morning.”

  I nod my agreement slightly. “I don’t know if I want them here to hear all the doc has to say anyway.”

  “I didn’t figure you would,” Cody says. “Let me know what’s up when you guys find out though?”

  “You’ll be my first call, I promise,” Allie assures him.

  Ava and Aubrey stop talking when they realize we’re discussing them leaving, and Ava steps closer to my bed. “Do we really have to leave?”

  “You do, Pip. But you can come back tomorrow.”

  “I’ll be really good and quiet, if you let me stay.”

  “You’ll have more fun with Uncle Cody, and you can’t stay here tonight. The hospital won’t let you,” Allie answers her.

  Ava’s head drops and her shoulders slump forward.

  “Hey, come here really quick. Both of you,” I say to them.

  Ava and Aubrey each step up to my bed, one on each side, and I reach down for their hands.

  “You two need to go. You need to get good sleep tonight. And I need to talk to my doctors and spend some time making plans with your mom. But I promise you, I will be okay, and I’ll be so excited to see you in the morning. I need to know you’re taken care of and happy, so I can focus on getting better. You going with Uncle Cody will help me. That’s all. I’ll be okay overnight. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Promise?” Aubrey asks.

  “I promise.”

  Ava looks up at me. “I love you, Daddy.”

  “Oh, Ava, I love you, too. You go and have fun tonight. Then you can tell me all about it tomorrow.”

  She nods her head and steps closer, reaching around my chest as much as she can to hug me. Then Allie holds Aubrey up to do the same thing, since she’s a little too short still.

  “ I love you, too, Aubrey.”

  “Love you too, Daddy.”

  The girls let go of me and give Allie hugs and love goodbye, before meeting Cody at the door.

  “You two, behave in this wild room,” Cody suggests, jokingly. “Try to get some sleep, both of you. The girls and I will be fine and we’ll have fun.”

  “Thanks again.” I know he doesn’t need the thanks, but he’s showing up and being here for us big-time. He’s going above and beyond to make this as easy as it can be for all of us.

  “You’d do it for me.” He gives us a little wave and ushers the girls out the door, calling back, “See you tomorrow.”

  As soon as Cody and the girls leave, Allie climbs up into the oversized bed, sitting beside me and leaning back, careful not to jostle me, but staying close as she can.

  “How are you really feeling, Cowboy?”

  “Terrified, sore, anxious…”

  “Wow,” she says quietly.

  “What?”

  She reaches for my hand and links our fingers together, brushing her thumb along the top of mine. “I just didn’t think you’d be honest, but you were. You never admit fear.”

  “I’m broken. My head is a mess and it still hurts. My memory of what happened is still shot. All I have right now is my honesty.”

  “And me. You have me, too. And I’m ready to fight with you.”

  I bring our hands up slowly, stopping when they’re at my lips, and I kiss over her knuckles. “Thank you.”

  “Never thank me for loving you. That’s just stupid.” She lays her head on my shoulder and continues to rub my hand, soothing and calming me, until my eyes get heavy and I start to nod off.

  Before I’m completely out I say, “Wake me when the doctor finally shows up.”

  Allie

  I step out of the bathroom and look around the hall, making sure nobody sees me before I wipe my mouth and put my hand to my head. This has been the longest seven days of my life. The longest seven of all of our lives. Chase’s accident was one week ago today, his surgery five days ago, and the highs and lows that have come with all he’s endured—the concussion, compressed spinal cord, vertebral fracture, fusion and decompression surgery, ultimately his cauda equina diagnosis, and subsequent paralysis from it—have put me in a tailspin.

  I’ve never been more stressed, or worried, in my life. My stomach is in knots, my heart races constantly, and food holds absolutely zero appeal to me these days. Nothing but sugar and sweets sound good. They’re all I can hold down. And sleep? Well, who needs it anyway?

  Now is not the time for anyone to realize my stress has me getting sick every morning or fighting back nausea every time I eat. Not with Chase’s transfer to the rehab hospital next door happening in an hour. Not with my husband terrified, stressed, and upset about the fact that his prognosis means that unless, or until, he’s got feeli
ng back, can walk again, and has recovered immensely, we will likely never be able to conceive another child.

  He was so brave, asking his doctor that question this morning. But I don’t think either one of us was fully prepared for the answer we got. We certainly weren’t ready to give up on that dream yet. We will overcome this. We can look into fostering and adopting. We can find another way…it may just take a while before we are there mentally, emotionally, or even monetarily.

  Cody has the girls out at a park somewhere, playing and being kids, because they can’t stay cooped up in these hospitals any longer.

  The world needs to cut us a break. We’ve lived a very blessed life up to this point, and we are still so blessed that the bull didn’t kill Chase, but we need a break. I need a break.

  Chase

  How do you measure your worth as a man? Is it your ability to be a virile, reproducing individual? Is it being able to get up every day and do for your family? Is it how much you love your wife and children? Or is there some other way to measure it?

  What happens when two of those three things are ripped away from you without rhyme or reason?

  It’s been nearly a month since my ride. It’s been a month since I was the man I used to be. I’m struggling to figure out who I am, and can eventually be, again.

  I work daily with a team of specialists determined to help my mind and body rehab and strengthen, with the hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to walk again. I keep my fingers crossed and pray constantly that I’ll at least be able to make love to my wife again, to show her in every way imaginable, when words fail, me how much she means to me. How much I love her.

  Nobody can make any guarantees, though. The bull fucked me up, in more ways than my body can physically show.

  “Hey, Cowboy,” Allie says, interrupting my thoughts, as she walks into my room. My room, in this rehab hospital. My room, as though this is home and I’ll be here forever.

  “Hi, Darlin’.”

  “How are you doing this morning?”

  We go through this every day when she gets here. I’m not sure if she’s hoping one day I’ll say I’m great and can walk again, or if she’s just asking because she doesn’t know what else to say. Because, really, what is there to say?

  My life wasn’t the only one changed and affected by all of this. So was hers. So were the lives of our two little girls.

  “Same ol’, same ol’.”

  “I’ll take the same rather than worse,” she responds cheerily, walking over and bending over my chair to kiss me.

  I kiss her back then wrap my arm around her and pull her toward me, forcing her to turn her body and drop into my lap before she stumbles.

  “Chase!” She giggles. “What are you doing? I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You aren’t going to hurt me, you couldn’t, and I’m having a moment and just need you close. As close as you can get.”

  I never would’ve admitted that to her before all of this, but along with a team of skilled nurses, doctors, and physical and occupational therapists, Craig also assigns a psychologist to every patient. I was opposed to talking to mine, at first. However, the thoughts I had in the first week here, how down and hopeless I got, the idea that death would’ve been better than all of this—I agreed to participate with mine.

  Part of our process is me sharing those feelings with Allie when I have them. I can’t keep it all in. The only way any of this will work is if I’m open, determined, and hopeful. According to my therapist, I can’t be hopeful if I’m harboring dark and hopeless thoughts.

  They’ve also provided resources for her, and our girls, too. Ava has struggled the most with this. She’s old enough to understand how serious everything is, but still too young to fully understand the ins and outs of what we are dealing with. Aubrey, on the other hand, has adjusted fairly well so far. She gives me extra hugs, and her new favorite place to sit is on my lap, here in my chair. I can’t even put a number on how many episodes I’ve seen of Mia and Me and Sofia the First at this point.

  “I’m right here,” Allie responds to me after a few moments of silence. “And I’m not going anywhere. So what’s on your mind?” She wraps her arm around my neck.

  “All of this,” I say, indicating the room around us. “This.” I grab my chair. “Who am I, Allie? How do I find purpose in all of this when everything I’ve ever known about myself, about being the man you and the girls need, is gone?”

  “Oh, Chase,” she says quietly, starting to run her fingers through my hair, playing with it because it’s gotten too long and she can. “You’re still the same man you’ve always been.”

  “But how? I can’t provide for you three. I can’t take care of you in ways a man should be able to take care of his wife. I can’t give you a baby…that’s the one thing I did all of this for. It’s what I was working hardest for.”

  “I want you to listen to me, and you listen hard, okay?”

  I nod my head.

  “You still provide for us. You have been providing for us in more ways than just financially and physically. You set up our property, our ranch, our hands, and our business to be sustaining. You love, support, and encourage me and the girls. You don’t have to be the breadwinner to provide, Chase. What if I made more than you? Huh?”

  “Then you’d make more than me, it would be ours. Right? We’d combine what we each brought to the table for the better of our family?”

  “Exactly. I will focus on the advertising for our business. I will make sure our animals get seen, contracted for events when you can’t.”

  “Will you also help me and Cody run the school Cody and I want to open?”

  “What school?” She stills her fingers in my hair and looks at me curiously.

  “The morning all of this happened, Cody and I met with Rex, the guy we stayed with in Texas that week…”

  “Okay?”

  “I was thinking about calling it quits on full-time rodeo after this season, I wanted to open up a school at home. Train kids, rising riders, how to get good, be safe and smart. Then I’d rodeo some weekends, stay more local. We met with Rex to see how he started his school, what it would take.”

  “I—I don’t even know what to say, baby.” Her fingers start moving again, and I can feel her tugging on the ends of my hair.

  “Tell me it’s not stupid, that even with everything, we can make it work?”

  “Is that really what you wanted? To stop riding full time and to start a school?”

  I nod my head and hold my breath, waiting for her answer.

  “We will make it work. I promise.” She presses her lips to mine again, and this time neither of us pulls back.

  I kiss her hard, pouring everything I possibly can into it, hoping she can feel exactly what she means to me, what her belief in me means.

  Allie

  His lips are firm, insistent. It’s like because we can’t be together in other ways, he’s turned up the strength and abilities of his mouth—the unyielding power of his lips, the touch and temptation of his tongue brushing and rolling against mine—so I can feel it from my head, down to my toes, with the most feeling pooling in my core, causing a low moan to rumble from my diaphragm and up my throat, reverberating in our connected mouths.

  “Chase,” I whisper to him, not wanting this feeling to pass, but needing him to know one thing, “You can still take care of me, we can still be intimate, in other ways. We’ll figure them out together.”

  “I miss being with you—touching you—taking care of you.”

  “I’m right here, Chase. You don’t need to ask for permission, not with me. Not when it comes to touching me. That hasn’t changed.” I kiss him again, angling my chest toward his, holding my hands to his cheeks and swiping my tongue over his lips. “We are still us.”

  He exhales slowly against my lips, then I feel his hand move down my side and chest, following the path from my ribs and the side of my stomach, over my hip, and along my leg, leaving goosebumps in
the wake of his touch.

  “How long has it been?” he asks me, his voice a little huskier, lower than before.

  “Since?”

  “We…you…”

  “Almost six weeks,” I stutter out when his hand moves over the top of my leg to the inside, then slowly creeps up.

  “You haven’t since we were last together?”

  I shake my head no, unable to speak now that his fingers have found their way under my shorts and stolen my voice.

  “Haven’t you wanted to?”

  I shake my head again, managing to reply with a shaky voice, “Not without you.”

  “You’re too good for me, Allie.” He grazes the soft skin going up my leg until he reaches my panties, then he traces along the line curving around my thigh. “Kiss me again.”

  I do as he commands and start out with a featherlight touch of my lips to his, just like the feel of his fingers moving over me right now.

  “Harder.”

  “I will if you will,” I tease him, smiling against his upturned lips.

  “There’s my Darlin’.”

  He moves his fingers from the outer edge of my panties in, circling over my clit with a firmer pressure than before. It makes me groan against his lips, and I kiss him a little harder, doing my best to maintain the same feeling and intensity as him.

  With each increase in his movements, I add a little more to the kiss.

  When his fingers slip beneath my panties, my tongue seeks access to his. When he grazes over my needy clit and sends a shockwave of pleasure through me, my tongue brushes over his. With everything he gives me, I return the favor in the only way I can, until I can’t anymore because he’s worked me into such a frenzy that I can’t keep up.

  “Oh God, Chase…” I moan, dropping my head to his shoulder and speaking into his neck to muffle it a little. “That feels…”

  “Feels?” he says, still moving expertly over me. I’m so wet that his touch glides along my folds and over my swollen, hypersensitive bundle with such ease they may as well be coated in oil.