You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.
Oh plunge me deep in love – put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper is a rushing wind.
I can’t move. I’m lying on what feels like a mattress, a hard coil poking me in the back. As I move around dust and God only knows what else billows from the mattress and clogs my nose. The smell is putrid and sour. My arms extend above my head like they’re tied to something, but when I try and pull against the restraints there’s nothing there. I’m bound and struggling, spread out on a disgusting mattress, fighting against air. I try to kick my legs but experience the same thing.
What’s going on?
Where am I?
I turn my head from side to side, trying to make out anything that can tell me where I am, but all I see is black. There are no signs of light anywhere.
I may not know where I am, but I do know I’m not alone. I can sense someone in the room with me but I’m too frightened to call out…too afraid of who might answer.
Suddenly, something cold glides across my bare stomach and realization hits me. I’m naked. Whoever has me, has tied me down like an animal and stripped me of my clothes. The object on my skin slides over my ribs and across my breasts, the chill from it causing my nipples to harden. I can’t hold back the sob that escapes my mouth knowing my body is being violated.
The object that slides up my neck to my cheek feels like metal, but I can’t see well enough to be certain. My senses are fuzzy from whatever the person used to drug me. Without warning, the cold metal twists and burrows through the flesh on my cheek. Even with all the adrenaline coursing through me, I can feel the pain travel through every nerve ending in my body.
I let out a scream of pain and try to wrench my arms free while whoever is in the room hovers over me. It’s a knife, a very sharp knife and whoever is holding it just cut me down to the bone.
I hear the sound of a man chuckling as I fight against my invisible bonds and a sudden, paralyzing fear courses through my body bringing my struggles to a sudden halt.
“Please,” I beg as tears pour down my face. “Please, whoever you are…just let me go. I won’t tell. I swear I won’t. Just let me go.” My voice breaks at the end and the person in the room with me laughs harder and pushes the blade of the knife against my stomach. I feel it break the skin and I start to thrash around again in an attempt to get away.
I’m going to die here; I can feel it in every bone in my body. I’m not leaving this room alive.
“Tell me you love me,” he says once I’ve stopped struggling.
I know that voice. Oh God, I know this man, but I can’t think of who he is. The pain from where he’s cut me is so overwhelming I can’t concentrate. Where have I heard that voice?
“Tell me you love me and I’ll let you go,” he says.
I want to believe him. I’m desperate to believe him, but something tells me it’s not true. He won’t let me go.
But I say it anyway. I have to at least try. “I love you,” I cry out between sobs.
He leans closer and I can smell the soap on his skin. His scent is as familiar as his voice. “I don’t believe you!” He hisses, pure rage and evil in his voice. That’s the last thing I hear before the knife plunges in.
I shot up so fast my head bashed against the side of the toilet. Just like with every nightmare, I was covered in sweat and breathing erratically. Once I finally came to my senses and looked at my surroundings, I realized I was sitting on my bathroom floor.
I closed my eyes and fought against my foggy brain; desperately trying to remember what had happened. It all came back to me in slow motion. The migraine, the violent vomiting, the pain, the flashes of blonde hair. I must have blacked out on my bathroom floor.
Once I was stable enough, I pulled myself off the floor and reached over to turn on the shower. The only thing I could think of doing was to wash the horrible images in my mind away. I stripped off the uniform I was still wearing from work and climbed under the scalding spray, hoping the hot water would do the trick.
I reached for the shower poof and poured a generous amount of body wash onto it. As I scrubbed my skin pieces of my dream started to come back to me. I lightly ran my finger across my cheek, feeling nothing but the water rolling down my face. Then I inspected my stomach. There was nothing there. No cuts, no blood, not even a red mark.
But it all felt so real. Every time that knife cut the woman in my dream I could swear I felt it.
Enough was enough. I was calling Dr. Kinsley first thing in the morning. I didn’t know how much longer I could last, going at the rate I was.
I quickly finished up in the shower, cut the water and stepped out. I dried off and didn’t even bother to run a brush through my hair. I threw on the first t-shirt I touched, stepped into my underwear and collapsed into bed. All of my fears of falling asleep were pushed away. The hallucinations and nightmare had drained everything out of me and by the time my head hit the pillow, I was out.
When I woke the next morning, the first thing I did was call Dr. Kinsley’s office to book the first available appointment, but as soon as the receptionist informed me she couldn’t get me in for another two weeks, I slammed the phone down in defeat.
I didn’t think I had two weeks in me. I felt like I was losing my mind and with each passing day that feeling got worse and worse.
I did the only thing I could do and started getting ready for work. I pulled my red Benny’s Diner shirt over my head and stepped into a pair of black shorts. It was an unusually sunny day by Seattle’s standards, but I just couldn’t find it in me to appreciate the beauty of it.
My hair was a disaster from sleeping on it wet and not brushing it out, so the only option I had was to throw it up in a messy bun on the crown of my head. I tossed my nametag and cell phone into my purse and head out the door.
I kept replaying the flashes from the nightmare over and over again, letting my feet guide me along the familiar route to the diner. I knew it like the back of my hand. I was capable of walking it without even paying attention, which wasn’t normally a big deal.
Until today.
I looked up, straight into a pair of mesmerizing crystal blue eyes.
Son of a bitch!
Almost as if he’d read my thoughts, a smile stretched across his face. “The paper you read last night warned you to be sure to take in your surroundings.”
In any other circumstance, I might have been scared to see him there—don’t misunderstand me, seeing him did make me a little nervous—but I was on a crowded sidewalk in downtown Seattle. It wasn’t like he could snatch me up without anyone noticing.
I narrowed my eyes at him as he took a step closer. “All right, asshole…” That caused him to stop moving. “I don’t know what kind of sick fuck you are or how the hell you know all these things about me but it’s obvious you’re some sort of degenerate stalker. You need to stay the hell away from me or I swear to God, I’ll scream rape at the top of my lungs.”
He shook his head and the expression was one akin to how a parent would look at a disobedient child. “First of all, I’m not a degenerate stalker and second…seriously? Who screams rape on a crowded sidewalk? What are you, twelve? I’m not even touching you.”
The sarcasm in his tone set me off. All my nervousness disappeared and the only thing I wanted to do was kick his ass. He let out a snort and looked me up and down. “Not likely to happen shorty, but you’re welcome to try.”
What. The…
“Fuck,” he finished out loud. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. You’ve got a potty mouth. You should be so proud.” I felt my mouth drop open and my eyes bug out. I was struck utterly speechless. “We need to talk,” he continued once he realized I wasn’t going to respond.
“What the…how di
d you…Holy shit! It happened. It finally fucking happened!” I said with a laugh that probably came out sounding a little demented. “I’ve gone completely crazy. The last shred of sanity I had just got blown the hell up. You’re probably not even real are you? Wait…why am I asking you? You’re not real, just a figment of my insane imagination.” Daniel let out a sigh, rolled his eyes and leaned against the brick wall like he already knew I wasn’t even close to being finished.
“That’s another sign of insanity, isn’t it? Talking to my apparition…or talking to myself for that matter. Oh my God, I’m doing it right now. Son of a bitch!” I continued on with my rant. I was sure I was scaring the people around me. Hell, I was starting to scare myself.
“Is there any chance you could wrap this drama up ASAFP so we can get to the important shit, please? I’m kind of here for a reason.”
“ASAFP?” I asked, ignoring everything else he’d just said.
“Yeah, as in as soon as fucking possible.”
“Who’s the potty mouth now?”
Yep, I’m certifiable.
Daniel grabbed hold of both my shoulders and gave me a slight shake before doing that double finger eye point thingy back and forth between us. “Concentrate please.” I tried to pull myself together as best as I could. “You aren’t going crazy, I’m not an apparition, and if you’d just shut up, I’d be more than happy to explain what’s going on.”
My back went straight at the seriousness in his tone and I felt a prickle of alarm. Instinct told me not to dismiss him…that what he had to say was real. He was real and I needed to listen to him. “But you said yesterday I wasn’t ready. And guess what? I’m still not ready.”
He let go of my shoulders and ran both hands through his inky black hair in frustration. “Yeah, well that vision you had last night kind of bumped things up. Shit’s accelerating and I’m running out of time.”
I shook my head, trying to make sense of what he was saying. “Wait…accelerating? What’s accelerating? And running out of time for what?”
He grabbed my hand and started pulling me in the direction I was originally heading in. “Come on. I’ll explain over coffee.”
“How did you…oh, hell, never mind.”
I heard him chuckle as he pulled me along the sidewalk and through the door of the coffee shop I frequented. “She’s finally catching on. It’s a miracle.”
“He’s still a smartass. What a shocker,” I replied.
He dragged me to a booth near the back window that was a little more private and deposited me in my seat. “You know, most women would be falling over themselves for my attention. I’m kind of a panty melter,” he said as he waved his hands in front of his torso.
“You didn’t just say that,” I replied with a roll of my eyes.
His lips kicked up on one side as he leaned in and lowered his voice. It was obvious he was shooting for seductive, but I was immune. “You can’t honestly say you haven’t noticed how good looking I am. I know for a fact you have.”
I crossed my arms on the table and smiled. “Then you opened your mouth and all that pretty went to shit.”
He threw his head back and let out a gut busting laugh. It took him a second, but once he finally got himself together he pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, patted me on the head and informed me, “Be right back, shorty,” before heading up to the counter to get our drinks.
By the time he got back with our coffees the good humor had vanished from his face and everything about his body language screamed it was time to get serious.
“I’m not exactly sure how to dump this all on you so I’m just going to start from the beginning. I need you to try your best to keep an open mind and let me finish before you say anything. You think you can do that?”
All I could do was nod my head in response as I reached for my grandmother’s locket around my neck.
He inhaled deeply, held it for a few seconds, and then blew it out. “First of all, let me explain what happened yesterday. When we shook hands you caught glimpses of the past, but something was different about them, right?”
Again, I nodded.
“Those were my memories, Taylor. I’ve been with you since your seventh birthday.”
I wasn’t sure I understood. “You mean, like we grew up together or something?”
He ran a hand over his face before lifting his coffee cup and taking a long drink. I followed suit. “No, we didn’t grow up together. This would be the part where you need to keep an open mind.”
“Okaaaay.” I dragged the word out; suddenly nervous about what was coming next.
“I’m what is referred to as a Guide. I’m assigned to a Seer and it’s my job to make sure that person stays on track and does the job they’re supposed to do. You’re a Seer, Taylor. I was assigned to you when you turned seven and I’ve been with you ever since. That’s why I knew your birth name was Lydia Taylor and you had it legally changed to Taylor Carmichael when you turned eighteen. That’s why you felt a connection with me in the diner yesterday. Subconsciously, you know I’ve always been there, you just weren’t fully aware of it until now.”
“What’s—”
He interrupted before I could finish. “A Seer?” he asked.
“Yes. What does that even mean?”
He placed his arms on the table and clasped his hands in front of him. “A Seer is a person gifted with the ability to see death before it happens.”
A gasp rushed past my lips as my eyes grew wide. “My hallucinations?”
“Stop calling them that, Taylor. They’re visions. Visions that you’ve been ignoring since you were a child.”
He seemed almost disappointed when he said that.
I reached for the locket again and began rubbing my thumb in a circle over the smooth surface.
When I looked up, I caught Daniel watching my hand with a knowing expression and a question popped into my head.
Did you know my grandmother?
I hadn’t spoken out loud, but Daniel still responded.
He gave me a sad smile and shook his head. “No, I wasn’t her Guide. But despite what you were raised to believe, she wasn’t crazy and neither are you.”
I felt tears sting the back of my eyes and I blinked rapidly in an attempt to stop them. “How do you do that? And how the hell do you know what I’m thinking before I say it?”
“It’s all a part of the job as your Guide. I’m able to access your thoughts when I feel it’s necessary.”
I let out a snort at his response. “And I guess I’m just supposed to trust that you don’t abuse that nifty little power?”
There was that smile again. “I never said that.”
I felt a heat creeping up and dropped my eyes to where my hands were fisted in my lap. “You have to know that this all sounds completely ridiculous. I mean, this is shit out of the movies, not real life, Daniel. Why should I even believe what you’re saying?”
He nodded and I could feel his eyes boring into me. I lifted my head and was instantly sucked in. It was as if he was in control and wouldn’t let my gaze waver off of his. “I can understand that it’s a lot to take in but there’s something inside you that knows what I’m saying is the truth, even if you don’t want to believe it.” He was right. I couldn’t explain why, but deep in my gut I knew everything he was saying was true. “And this isn’t a movie,” he continued. “This is serious shit. You’ve been given a gift and you’re wasting it.”
The red in my face was no longer from blushing; it was pure anger. “How dare you,” I hissed between clenched teeth. “Who the fuck says this is a gift? It’s not a gift, it’s a goddamn curse!” I yelled.
Daniel glanced around quickly to make sure no one overheard. “Keep your voice down, Taylor,” he scolded.
“Fuck you!” I shouted back, catching the unwanted attention of several customers.
I worked on taking deep cleansing breaths before I reached across the table and ripped Daniel’s head off. “If you’ve been wi
th me since I was seven then you know. You know the absolute hell that my life has been. You know how scared I was when all this started. The shit my parents put me through because they thought I was nuts just like my grandmother. The psychiatrists, the torment from my classmates…” Daniel visibly flinched as I ticked off the list of horrible events in my life that proved my visions were, in fact, a majorly fucked up curse. “Where were you through all of that, huh? If you were supposed to help me, where were you?” My last words broke as tears clogged my throat.
It was his turn to look down at his hands. “It’s not the job of a Guide to protect the Seer,” he whispered.
My head snapped back like I’d been slapped. “Fuck you, Daniel.”
His head shot up and he narrowed his eyes at me. “You don’t think I would have helped you if I could have? You don’t think I would have given anything to make your life a little better?”
I slapped my hands on the table and leaned closer to him. “No, I don’t!” I shouted.
“Well you’re wrong!” he yelled back. We were back to gathering unwanted attention again. “It killed me having to watch you go through all of that, but I couldn’t do anything. The consequences would have been unbearable for the both of us if I’d intervened. My hands were tied, Taylor.”
“Then what changed?” I demanded. “Why are you allowed to step up now but not back when I was just a little kid, scared to death of the things I was seeing? Why not when I really needed you?”
“Because this is it, Taylor!”
I immediately recoiled. Not at his yelling but at his words. We both remained silent for a long time while Daniel tried to calm himself and I tried to process what he just said. Finally, I whispered, “This is it? What does that mean?”
He put his elbows on the table heavily and I cringed at the pain that must have caused. He placed his head in his palms and scrubbed his face. “Whether you believe in God, Allah, Buddha or whoever you choose to worship, the fact is, there is a higher power out there. When that higher power created humanity, the theory of natural selection was put into play but lines began to be crossed so often that they eventually blurred. The evil that wasn’t taken into consideration started causing the numbers to become…uneven. The Seers were created to level the metaphorical playing field, so to speak. The people that come to you in those visions are innocents who aren’t meant to die yet. Evil has intervened and plans to take them before their time and it’s up to the Seer to try and prevent that death before it happens.”
Nightmares from Within Page 4
