Trick Baby

by Iceberg Slim

  “Finally I’d point to Red coming toward us a block away. Red would stop and wave. I’d point to myself. Red would wag his head no. I’d point to the mark. Red would wag his head yes.

  “The mark would start the long walk. When he was midway between us, we’d both fade and disappear.

  “Folks, black con men call this the final. White grifters call it the blowoff. Well, kid, are you satisfied? That’s most of the real words, as you say, of a con game in action.”

  I said, “Blue, it sure is slick. Please let’s play that game together. I know I can memorize all the words.”

  He said, “Folks, that’s ass backward. You can’t learn con by memorizing words. Every mark and every play of any con game is different. You have to memorize the elements of con.

  “When you’ve done that, you’ve got the secret key to all con games, from the biggest to the smallest. Now I want you to tear apart the drag that you heard. Tell me the elements of con that you could grasp.”

  I said, “Number one, Red and you had to catch Mr. Smith. Number two, you had to sound him out to find out if he had dough. It’s obvious you wouldn’t want to play for a broke sucker. And you found out that Mr. Smith knew nothing of flimflam or con.

  “Under the number two step, you also had to rapidly gain his confidence with your tale of distress and your seed for his wise and kind help. Number three step was showing Red to the mark and bringing Red in for the play.

  “Number four step was Red’s offer to share his good luck. This excited the dishonesty in the mark. If the mark had been honest, he would have advised returning the white man’s wallet. A mark has to be a thief himself.

  “Number five step was Red coming back with your five gee share. This was the convincer for the mark. He knew he could get five-G’s.

  “The convincer was tightened when you refused your share until the mark got his. The fifth step set the mark up for the sixth step, the send for his money so he could qualify for his share. The seventh step was the final or blowoff. How did I do, Blue?”

  He said, “Hell, you’re not bright, you’re brilliant. I’ll have you ready by spring for the smack at least. Then later the drag. Folks, it’s almost four A.M. You go to sleep on what you’ve learned. I’m not waiting up for Midge. I need rest. Memphis and I are going out of town today.”

  Blue stood up.

  I said, “Blue, what did you mean about Dirty Red going con goofy?”

  He said, “Conning is lying. Red lied for forty years. Finally his brain was so twisted and poisoned by lies that he couldn’t tell the difference between a lie and the truth.

  “I was his partner. But he reached a point when I couldn’t hold a conversation with him. Everything I’d say to him, no matter how innocent and commonplace, he’d blow up and stay mad for days.

  “He thought I was lying to him, that I was making a fool out of him for kicks. I had to cut him loose. At the end he was dangerous. I was afraid of him. Nobody will play with him now.

  “He tapes his right arm to his side and begs for a living. He bums around Fifty-first Street. Folks, what happened to Red can happen to anybody who lies for a living.

  “Good night, Folks. You look out for Midge and the house as always while I’m out of town.”

  I said, “Thanks, Blue, for the con lessons. I’ll take care of everything. Good night.”

  I lay there listening to the shrill, frigid banshee of January winds. My heart jackhammered with the excitement of the con.

  I heard footsteps in the hall. I turned my head. Blue’s shadow was back in the room.

  He said, “I forgot something important that you must remember until you go six feet under. Folks, there are only two kinds of people in the whole wide world, grifters and suckers.

  “You’re going to be a grifter, I’m certain of that. The secrets of con are priceless. Every grifter is surrounded by suckers that he for many reasons can’t play for. There are charming, likeable suckers that you’ll meet socially. But Folks, a grifter true to the con code never likes a sucker enough or lets the sucker come close enough to get the secrets of con.

  “Let their stupid brains stay asleep in their chump world. Keep your own brain honed to razor sharpness in the secret world of con. Folks, you know I think a great deal of you. But if you ever violate the con code, I’ll hate your guts. I swear it!”

  He faded away into the hall blackness before I could answer. I felt like I had gulped down a handful of benny pills. I lay there in the gloom a long time and engraved on my brain every word that Blue bad spoken.

  I heard a rapping on the window. I thought it was the wind. Then it came louder and faster, I got up and pulled the drapes aside. It was Midge, wide-eyed. She was huddled inside a man’s heavy black overcoat. I raised the window and looked down at her.

  She whispered, “I don’t have my key. Let me in the back door.”

  I tiptoed down the hall to the back door. I let her in. She squeezed herself against me for an instant. Her cold face tingled my chest. We walked into my bedroom. I flicked on a tiny night light.

  I said, “What happened?”

  She slipped out of the bulky overcoat and threw it across the bed. She was nude. She said, “There’s a cabby out front waiting for his fare and coat. Johnny, please take a five-dollar bill and his coat out to him for me.”

  I went to the closet and put on an overcoat. She passed me going to the bathroom. I smelled whiskey and the sharp, raw perfume of her crotch. I went out the back door to the shivering cabby.

  He said, “Man, thanks for the tip and coat. Let me tell you, it was one bitch of a sight seeing a naked broad running down South Parkway in zero weather. Is she your old lady?”

  As I turned away, I said, “No, she’s my crazy sister.”

  I rushed back to my bedroom. The night light was out. I went through the bathroom to Midge’s room. She wasn’t there. I wondered if she’d lost her mind and become a pneumonia buff. Maybe she was naked out in the backyard having an orgy with Jack Frost.

  I was looking out my bedroom window when Midge’s muffled voice said behind me, “Peek-a-boo. I see you.”

  I spun around. I saw a vague lump in my bed.

  She said, “Stop wandering around, square. Get in bed and warm me up. I’m chilled to the bone.”

  I said, “Are you nuts? What if Blue catches you in my bed? Go to your own bed, Midge, before you get me thrown out into the cold.”

  She laughed and said, “Don’t be a square. Angel, aren’t you hip that Blue hates lesbians so much he’d weep for joy to find me in just any man’s bed? If you don’t come and hold me, I’ll go back into the street just like I am.

  “Then your conscience will haunt you for the rest of your days. ‘Poor Midge froze to death because I was too square to grant her one last, humble request.’ Come on, Johnny. Hold me and I’ll tell you what happened.”

  I hung my coat in the closet. I took off my pajamas and got into bed beside her. She threw her thigh across my middle. She had her head on my chest. I had my arm around her back.

  She said, “I almost got murdered tonight. Oh, Johnny, I did the dumbest thing. I got crocked and went home with a cute little waitress at Cocktails For Two. Her boyfriend was supposed to be in jail under high bond.

  “Two weeks ago he almost stabbed to death a girl that he thought was going with Francine. We were making mad love in the bedroom. We heard a key in the front door.

  “Somebody had gone her boyfriend’s bail. Lucky for me her apartment was made like our house here. I ran naked through the connecting bathroom into a vacant bedroom. I hid under the bed.

  “I didn’t know what to do. My dress and coat were in the closet. My panties, bra and slip were on a chair in the bedroom. My shoes were somewhere in there.

  “I could hear him talking to her. I was terrified that he’d notice the strange clothes and start searching for me. He came into the bathroom. I heard him taking a leak. I saw his legs and big feet through the half open door.

 
“I almost fainted when he said. ‘What the fuck is that strange stink I smell? Bitch, did you have money to buy perfume while I was rotting in jail?”

  “He went back into the bedroom. I heard the tinkle of perfume bottles being knocked about on the dresser. Then I heard him open the closet door. I crawled from beneath the bed. I tried to raise a window. It was stuck.

  “I heard him shout. ‘This ain’t your coat and dress. Them ain’t your underwear in that chair. One of your freak bitches is hiding in my house. I’m gonna cut her pussy out, and your throat, bitch.’”

  “Johnny, Blue doesn’t believe in God, but I’m like Mama was. I do. God let that window finally slide up. It made a loud noise. I went out the window to a gangway. Lucky for me the apartment was on the ground floor.

  “I was so cold I could hardly breathe. I heard him cursing me through the open window. I ran down South Parkway. I looked back. He was running toward me.

  “I hailed the jitney cabbie that brought me home. I wonder if that maniac killed Francine? I’ll have to stay off Forty-seventh Street. He’ll kill me. I know he will. Johnny, please don’t tell Blue what happened.”

  I said, “Midge, I won’t tell him. But everything that happened was your own fault. Why don’t you stop that freakish stuff with girls?

  “Some guy is going to kill you one of these days. Any normal guy or dame despises lesbians. Straighten up and get yourself a fellow before it’s too late.”

  She mounted me and lay there on top of me. I put my hands on her back at the waist. I strolled my fingertips over the soft satin.

  She combed her fingers through my hair. I felt the prickly knives of her fingernails slashing tenderly across my tingling scalp.

  She feathered her tongue tip through my eyebrows and across my eyelashes. I felt an almost unbearably delicious thrill tickle my face nerves and race down the side of my throat.

  Our open hot mouths locked together. Our tongues fought a sugary duel. She slid her mouth away and whispered, “I want to tell you a secret. But I want to look into those blue pieces of sky when I do.”

  She flicked on the night light. It ignited midnight-blue skyrockets in her jet hair. We gazed into each other eyes for a long moment. I felt myself throbbing and swelling, aching against the rim of her secret core.

  She sighed and whispered, “Most girls are afraid of beautiful boys like you. But I’m not. I know you can make me never want another girl to touch me.

  “You can make me forget Robert Taylor and Charles Boyer or anybody else. Make love to me, blue eyes. Thrill me out of my senses. Save me. Take me. Hurt me. But make me love you. Make me your slave.”

  I kissed her hard. Then I nursed like a starved baby at her heaving breasts. She moved forward on me. I felt her gentle hand tenderly aim me. She sat down and slowly impaled the core.

  She cried out. Her face was twisted. I saw her belly muscles jerking. Then she started to dry swallow. Young fool that I was, I thought she was in ecstasy.

  She whimpered and moaned, “Oh dear God! Please don’t let it happen now.”

  I really believed that I was so good to her that she was pleading with God to stall her orgasm. I braced my feet against the footboard of the bed and rammed myself into the very bottom of the hot pulsating core.

  She shuddered. I heard the throaty bellow of her retch. The stinking flame of her vomit seared my face. My burning eyes were blinded by the acid slime. I was dead, limp inside the core. I scooted out from beneath her. I groped my way to the bathroom. I cleared my eyes with a washcloth.

  I looked into the mirror over the washbowl. My face and hair looked like I had dunked my head into a bucket of green snot.

  I puked into the bowl until my aching guts dry locked. I stood there weakly, trembling, fighting for breath. Midge streaked by me weeping in hysterical gasps. She slammed the door to her bedroom. I heard her put a chair under the doorknob on the other side.

  I brushed my teeth and gargled. I got into the tub and scrubbed myself from head to toe with my soapy hairbrush until I was red raw.

  I put on my pajamas. I snatched the sheets off the bed. I threw the sour pillow to the floor. I lay on the mattress and hoped that Midge’s wild sobbing wouldn’t awaken Blue. I got up and knocked gently on her door. She wailed, “Please leave me alone. Please, please.” I went back to bed. Finally all was quiet. I lay there thinking about Midge. Now I knew what had happened when Midge tried to have sex with Tommy. No wonder she hadn’t wanted to tell me about it. I wondered how she could get kicks with freakish lesbians and get sick with boys.

  I was still trying to solve the riddle when dawn’s bleak blade slit night’s miserable throat. I heard Blue moving around in his room down the hall. I got up and put fresh linen on my bed.

  I guessed he was getting ready for the trip with Memphis Kid. Then I heard Midge drawing water into the bathtub.

  She shouted above the roar, “Yes, Blue, I’m home. I’ll pay the gas bill today. Just put the bill and the money on my dresser.”

  I heard Blue’s footsteps coming toward my room. He knocked.

  I said, “Come in.”

  He opened the door and stepped in. He was wearing a camelhair overcoat and a beige hat. He looked like a rich sportsman on his way to a football game.

  He smiled and said, “Good morning. How long has Midge been in?”

  I said, “Hi, Blue. She came in shortly after you went to bed. You’re sure leaving early.”

  He said, “It’s a long way to Decatur, Illinois. Say listen, remind Midge to pay the gas bill. I don’t lag my bills like a sucker.

  “All right, Folks. I’ll see you in a couple of days. Keep those lessons working in your head.”

  I said, “Goodbye, Blue, and good luck. Don’t worry, I’m going to be a crackerjack at the con next spring.”

  He grinned and walked away. I dressed and knocked on Midge’s door.

  She said, “Come in.”

  I stuck my head in and asked her if she wanted breakfast.

  She kept her eyes down and said, “No thanks, I’m not hungry. Will you pay the gas bill for me? I’m not going out.”

  I said, “Sure, darling.”

  She went to the dresser and gave me the bill and money. She said, “Forget that darling jive, huh? We both know it can’t be like that. I’m sorry for what I put you through last night. I was a square to even try it. I knew what would happen. I’m nothing, Johnny. I’m just a nasty, lowlife freak.”

  I said, “Midge, we can’t give up. I’m game to try it again sometime. Honest, honey, before you got sick, it was the best pussy I ever had. You just couldn’t help it. That’s all. Next time, it will be so good to us, we’ll blow our tops.”

  She smiled sadly and gently pushed the door shut in my face.

  I went to the kitchen and fried an egg. I couldn’t get it down. I stared out the kitchen window and thought about Phala, Dirty Red and Midge.

  Snowflakes floated from the sleazy sky like frozen confetti. A sudden gust of angry wind twisted the dots into a funnel of frothy madness.

  “Yes,” I thought, “Life and people are like that wind and the snowflakes.”

  Midge didn’t leave the house for almost a month. Blue was happy as hell. He didn’t know that she was afraid to go out. He probably thought she’d reformed.

  Midge and I still talked to each other and we were friendly. But it was somehow different than it was before that night in my bed. She told me to answer the phone and tell all callers for her that she was out of town. There were a lot of callers. All broads.

  On the afternoon of Saint Valentine’s Day, a dozen orchids came for Midge. Lucky thing for the orchids that I accepted them from the messenger at the door. Blue and Memphis were hunting deer in Wisconsin.

  The card read, “From your love mate, Celeste.” Blue would have dumped the bouquet in the garbage can. Midge was excited. Midge called her. I listened to Midge’s chatter on the phone. Celeste had been one of her most ardent admirers and now she was back in town. />
  I heard her make a date for that night at the Royal Box Bar on Fifty-first Street. Gee, she was pretty when she left that night. I told her I’d stay at home so if she got into a jam she could call me.

  I got the works of Voltaire from Blue’s bookcase. I read the heavy stuff until midnight. I figured I’d better get well read. I might run into some educated marks in the spring.

  I ate a cheese sandwich and drank a glass of milk. I took a bath and went to bed. I was reading an adventure story in Liberty magazine when I fell asleep.

  I woke up and looked at the Bulova. It was three A.M. I heard the toilet flush. I finished my adventure story and went to the bathroom to take a leak.

  I heard a hissing sound in Midge’s room. I wondered if she was letting a snake take a turn. I flushed the toilet, turned out the light and walked over and banged the door shut on my side of the bathroom.

  I kneeled down at Midge’s keyhole and peeped inside. Her night light was on. She was lying flat on her back, wide-legged. She had her eyes closed and she was flopping her head from side to side on the pillow. She was sucking air through her teeth making the snake noises.

  Midge’s hands were plastered to the top of a vague bulk wedged between her legs, making grunting, suckling pig noises. In the dimness I couldn’t tell whether it was a man or a woman, or even a large real pig.

  Then a dark brown hand and arm bigger than my own reached up and started to stroke across the nipples and yellow belly. It sure turned Midge on. Her hissing sounded like a snake pit. Finally a woman’s big head and wide shoulders loomed up from between the pyramid.

  Midge opened her eyes. She spoke to the bulk. It was a burly broad. Except for her lighter skin-color and no pecker, she was the burly, big-tit broad in my half-nightmares come to life.

  The broad got on top of Midge. She rubbed her crotch across Midge’s for awhile. She pressed Midge’s breasts together so the nipples touched. She licked and sucked them hard.

  Then they took a position I’ll never forget. And that’s the guaranteed truth. Midge smiled up at the giant freak. She jackknifed her legs. She held them back with her hands. Her knees and thighs were flat against her chest. Her core was gaped open.