Husband and Wife

by Zeruya Shalev

  Congratulations, I say emotionally, and he looks at me doubtfully and sighs, if you insist, and I ask, how much does he weigh, who does he look like, and he grins, he looks like me but he weighs a little less, for the time being, and I laugh joyfully, exulting in the general breaching of boundaries, from the moment my closed little family broke up I have felt as if everything touches me, everything belongs to me, this baby is mine too, this man is mine too, the young woman inside is mine, and I am ready to contribute Noga to the pot, as far as I’m concerned she can be his too, for this is the way to alleviate the suffering of the world, to heal its wounds, thanks to me he was with her when she gave birth, and how will he be able to give up the baby after being present at its birth? For a moment I feel a gnawing doubt, I wonder what Hava would have to say about these innovations, but I immediately banish her from my thoughts, only those who have known sorrow know how to alleviate it, and I rise with difficulty to my feet, my fingers on his head, combing his hair in pleasant intimacy, I’m going to see her and the baby, I say, and he smiles, just don’t stay there forever, we still have a lot of work to do, and I ask in surprise, what work? And he says, the house I’m building for you, we haven’t finished working on the plans yet, and the smile I send him accompanies me into her room, a happy smile, surprised at its capacity for happiness.

  Congratulations, Yaeli, I bend down to kiss her, a wet smell rises from her, a living, liquid smell of blood and soft, female inner organs, reminding me of the smell that came from Zohara, the smell that’s accompanying Udi now, and she gives me a tired look, did your husband come home, and I say, no, whatever gave you that idea, and she says, you look radiant. I’m simply happy for you, I say quickly, I’m happy that it all went well, and she whimpers, it was awful, I thought I was dying, it was worse than I imagined, and I stroke her arm, still attached to the infusion, but it was very quick, hardly two hours, sometimes it can go on for days you know. Perhaps it’s easier to bear when you want the baby, she whispers, for me it was completely hideous, and I look around, where is he, I have to see him, and she says, they took him to do some test, they’ll bring him back in a minute. Did you try to feed him, I ask enthusiastically, peeking at the top of her breasts exposed by opening of her robe, and she says, not really, it’s not for me, and puts her hand protectively on her breasts. It’s difficult in the beginning, I say, but you get used to it in a couple of days, you have to try, and she sighs, her eyes are red with effort, her face as pink and soft as the robe she is wearing, reminding me of a flower I once saw, a flower that looked like a person.

  But how do I know if it’s the beginning or the end, she suddenly bursts out, I’m not at all sure if he’ll still be with me in a few days’ time, I don’t know whether to start breast-feeding him or not, I haven’t decided if I’m going to keep him at all, don’t you understand? I am appalled, she’s not going to destroy my new family, and rudely pushing aside all the careful questions I have been trained to ask I say firmly, almost sternly, what are you talking about, I thought it was all clear now, Mica was here for the birth, he’ll be the baby’s father, even if he doesn’t live with you, he’ll help you financially, and I’ll help you too, you won’t be alone, my daughter can baby-sit sometimes, and your parents will also get used to the idea in the end, it will be hard but believe me that it’s much harder to give up your baby, it will haunt you all your life. I don’t know, she wails, I don’t know him yet, I won’t even recognize him among all the other newborn babies, I could leave here tomorrow as if nothing has happened, a few weeks’ diet and that’s that, I could continue my studies and forget about it, and maybe in a few years, when the circumstances are right, I can have a proper family, I haven’t got the strength to bring up a baby now, it’s doesn’t suit me at all, but I persevere, I can’t stop myself, it’s clear to me that I have to prevent a terrible mistake from happening, it seems to you now that you don’t have the strength, you’re still weak from the birth, you’ll see that the baby will give you strength, you’ll be able to continue your studies, you’ll manage, think of the alternative, how every baby you see in the street might be him, and later on every child, every teenager, it will haunt you all your life, and when you have a family it will be even more painful, because then you’ll realize what you gave up and you won’t be able to forgive yourself, just think how whenever you see Mica you’ll both be tortured by the memory of your baby, whom you could have loved together.

  But I don’t intend to see Mica anymore, she announces defiantly, and I turn pale, why, he came to be with you at the birth like you wanted, I’m not prepared to play down my achievement, and she says, it was actually seeing him here that opened my eyes, I saw that he really disgusted me, his whole being revolts me, I always thought it was difficult to guess what he really felt, but today I understood that he simply isn’t capable of feeling, only of amusing himself, he wasn’t here with me really, only nominally, I’m sick of nominally, and I listen to her astounded, I feel as if I’m hearing a poor evaluation of my son from his teacher, a stern warning, which threatens me too, with the taste of his marzipan still in my mouth, and just then the doctor comes in and asks me to leave the room, and I take a piece of paper out of my bag and write my home number down on it, call me if you need anything, I say, I’ll come again this evening or tomorrow.

  I rush out of the room, see him standing at the end of the corridor with a cup of coffee in his hand, shit, he says, I burned myself, these plastic cups melt in your hands, and I hold out my hand and in a strange kind of ceremony he deposits the boiling cup in it and I actually enjoy the sudden heat, which reminds me of the way here, the terrible, solemn way, eagerly swallowing the tasteless drink, and he says, leave that, let’s go and have some real coffee, and I look at him disapprovingly, I haven’t got the time, Mica, I have to get back to work, it’s almost midday, the sentence she pronounced on him falls onto his head like pigeon droppings, wet and degrading. We still haven’t summed up the situation, he tries again, give me an hour of your time, for the baby’s sake, and I agree, walking next to him in silence, unable to make up my mind, hostile to him one minute and hostile to her the next, for being hostile to him, in a state of confusion I drive behind his car again, how quickly the harmony has collapsed even in my new family, I seem to have lost him and I swing between regret and relief, but at the junction he’s waiting faithfully, waving his hand at me and immediately disappearing into a completely new street, it seems to have just been tarred, carpets of asphalt unroll before us, an old man with a tin of paint in his hand is painstakingly painting the white stripes of the pedestrian crossing. Where are we, I’ve never been here before, at the side of the road pale stone buildings are going up, some of them already capped with red roofs, but most of them bareheaded, bald, empty-eyed, sick skeletons, has he gone out of his mind, why has he brought me to this desolate, exposed building site, shadeless, treeless, only dug-up, ravaged ground, scaffoldings, huge cranes, and all around frightened virgin hills, waiting their turn.

  At the end of a road which has not yet been tarred he stops, next to a half-finished building, and I open my window, is this an abduction, I ask, and he laughs, something like that, and pulls me out of the car, dragging me behind him into the building, an enormous dog appears from the back barking loudly and I recoil, cringing with the pain of my ankle which is about to be bitten, you had it coming, I say to myself, you had it coming, but all of a sudden the dog turns into a harmless pet, fawning at Mica’s feet, begging to be stroked. Calm down, Elijah, he says and looks at me from the corner of his eye, enjoying this demonstration of his mastery, how can anybody call a dog Elijah, and I follow him into a naked, unpainted stairwell, narrow planks mark the stairs and we hold on to the ropes that in the fullness of time will turn into a steady banister, for a moment I am ready to believe that we are a young couple coming to see the progress on their new home, devoting profound thought to every floor tile. At the top of the stairs is a magnificent door, and he takes a bunch of keys out of his
pocket and opens it wide and I look round in astonishment, in the middle of this wasteland a perfect doll’s house has grown up, beautifully furnished, there’s even a bowl of red apples on the living room table. What is this, I ask, who lives here, you? Where have you been hiding, he laughs, it’s a model apartment, haven’t you ever seen a model apartment before? I shake my head, stepping mesmerized between rooms offering me their perfection, this is Noga’s room and this is the master bedroom, and next to it another furnished child’s room, who will it be for, where will I get a child for this room, and suddenly my spirits fall, the presence of the child I never had stops my breath, what have I to do with this perfect apartment when I myself am still so imperfect and incomplete, and I go back to the living room overlooking the hills, where he is sitting and smoking proudly, do you like it, he asks, I built it, and I nod silently, she doesn’t want him anymore, I remember, he isn’t capable of feeling, only of amusing himself. So what are we doing here, I ask, a blood clot of hostility beginning its journey through my body, and he says, don’t you think that at our age we have the right to a little privacy, or perhaps you prefer necking opposite the nurses’ room, and I say, I don’t know if I want to neck at all, I can’t stand that word. Forget the semantics, he says, let me make love to your body, and he gets up and pulls me behind him into the vast bedroom, the parents’ unit, he calls it, what a threatening word, almost military. Have you ever done it in a model apartment, he asks, and I say, never, and there’s no chance I will either, and he smirks, never say never, I’ve got your number, you don’t know what you’re capable of, give me a month and you won’t recognize yourself, and I stand lost in front of the magnificent bed, a fine layer of dust covers it like lace, giving the room a ghostly air, even his black hair is already becoming covered with pale specks, adding years to his age.

  Mica, I say quietly, picking fleas of dust from his hair, you fathered a baby today, don’t you realize that? And he sniggers, do I have a choice in the matter? Of course I realize it, and you’re my present, I deserve a present, don’t I, and I say, you’re a baby yourself, you don’t deserve anything, it’s your turn to give now, not to receive. But that’s all I thought of during the entire birth, he grumbles, I thought of how I would bring you here and you’d give me a present, you know that I was only there for your sake, and I sigh, she was right, she was right, only I am wrong all the time, and I sit down defeated on the edge of the bed, seeing his shoulders growing broader his face growing bigger as he comes closer to me, his smile is enormous, exposing strong canine teeth, in a minute a bark will escape from his throat, the giddy bark of the dog Elijah. Leave me alone, I push him away, and he says, offended, what’s the matter with you, I thought we’d celebrate the baby’s birthday together, who do you want me to celebrate it with, my wife? And I think again of the tanned foot kicking me right in the groin. Why are you crying, he asks in surprise, I promise you it will be all right, I’ll go and visit the baby, I’ll pay child support, I’m even prepared to go to bed with her occasionally if you insist, what else do you want of me? I look outside, the almost imperceptible movement of a withered branch fills me with sorrow, but it isn’t a branch, it’s a sharp iron rod covered with rust, how dangerous, I don’t know what I want, but that’s something else entirely, an inexpressible wretchedness floats in the air between us, the wretchedness of a baby nobody wants, of his mother who is too young, of the tanned leg that will never reach the edge of the picture, and I say, it’s all wrong, Mica, don’t you see? I should never have come here with you, I should never have made love with you yesterday, I’ve never slipped up so badly in my life.

  He pulls away from me, an unpleasant expression on his face, cut the sanctimonious bullshit, if you’re prepared to pay the price you can do anything you like, I’ll pay the price when my kids find out they have a baby brother from another mother, when my wife finds out, it isn’t easy but I’m not complaining, I prefer living my life the way I do, the main thing is to keep boredom at bay, and when I saw you yesterday with that hungry smile of yours I thought you were like me, I didn’t think you’d drop out so quickly. But Mica, I say quietly, I have no idea if I’m like you, I have no idea if I’m like me, I lived for so many years with one man, I was shut up in our life, everything narrowed down to such an extent that all I could see was myself in relation to him, not as an independent being, you know how many questions I didn’t even get to ask myself? And he looks at me doubtfully, you know, he says, yesterday when you told me that your husband had left you I thought he must be an idiot, but now I understand him completely, and I feel my cheeks burning as if a hundred matches have been lit inside them, you understand him? What’s that supposed to mean?

  Listen to me before you get insulted, he scolds, and I await his words as if my life depends on them, but he keeps me waiting, opens his mouth and immediately shuts it again, imprisoning the words behind the walls of his teeth, look how you try to control things, he says in the end, pointing in the air as if the proof lies here, in this apartment where nobody lives, you have some pious model in your head and you try to fit all of us into it, even me, Yael, people you scarcely know, you imagine that you’re a model woman, and that you deserve a model life in return, but there’s no such thing and never will be, and nevertheless we’re entitled to live, and even enjoy life, you and me, and even your husband, he’s entitled to live without feeling guilty all the time for not being a model husband or father or whatever the hell you wanted of him, because you’re not perfect either, and you could even see that as an advantage, you’re allowed to be jealous, to hate, to cheat, even to betray the trust of your self-righteous profession once in a while, as long as you’re honest with yourself, instead of holding yourself up as some kind of saint, you understand what I’m saying, and he looks at me and grins, okay, end of lecture, we’ve reversed roles, now let’s see you build a house like this.

  I stare at the dust hovering in the air between us, soon it will cover us as it might the antique furniture in an enchanted castle, pieces of furniture that were once living, flawed human beings, and a wave of longing for Udi sweeps me up me so that I can hardly breathe, I feel as if a clenched fist in the depths of my body has suddenly relaxed, declaring a remission of debts, for one blessed, thrilling moment ledgers full of microscopic writing are wiped out before my eyes, and I get up quickly as if he’s waiting for me at home and I have to tell him something important, something urgent that will make him very happy, where did I put my bag, but when I find it I stop in my tracks, because my house is empty, the good news will have to wait, and in the meantime I am left with the bad, with a strange man moving restlessly on the bed, flat out and helpless as a cripple knocked off his feet. Give me a hand, he requests, and I reach out to help him up but he pulls me down on top of him. Want a model fuck? he asks brightly, as if this is the first time the words have crossed his lips, and I say, definitely not, and he sniggers, I see I’ve offended you, let me make it up to you, and I say, you can never make it up to me, and he breathes hot air into my ear which shivers with pleasure, I’m making it up to you by making you sin, you have to sin in order to be able to forgive yourself.

  I already sinned yesterday, I say sulkily, and he says, but yesterday you didn’t know it, and I’m already giggling, his charm softens the harsh words still thundering in the air of this room which has no history, like Adam and Eve we are the first to laugh here, and the laughter turns into moans of pleasure, now he lifts my long skirt and finds his way, quickly and matter-of-factly this time, as if he has one point to clarify, and I hold on to his neck, he is a visitor in my life, I suddenly understand, come for a short visit, he can’t be detained, why should I detain him. What’s wrong, he asks, turning me round with a strong movement, and I look at the expanse of his face, growing misty in front of my eyes, we won’t see each other again, I whisper, and he says, why not, it’s up to you, and I shake my head stiffly, tears splash from my eyes, I have to go on, alone, no man will fill the void, and it isn’t the vo
id that Udi left behind him, but the void I myself left in my life, I who chose him and not me, I chose him in the dawn of my youth in order to exhaust my strength on him, to distract myself from my own being, from everything buried alive and begging inside me. What’s the wonder that he left me, if I too had abandoned myself, many years before, an abandonment no less cruel, which in fact dictated his, and I look at the open mouth, the white teeth, the wrinkles between the eyes, engraved at a precise slant like ancient Hebrew writing, I will never try to decipher my fate in this face, the vicissitudes of my life in the waves of pleasure washing over it, this trap was not meant for me. I’ll have to leave you hungry, he laughs, so that you’ll come again, and he suddenly thrusts me away and hoists me up in the air, but I cling to him, pulling off his shirt, the transience of the moment fills me with sticky, vociferous lust, his chocolate shoulders break into blocks around me, what’s the point of building towers, they all collapse in the end, the higher they are the more painful their fall, and I am content with random blocks of sweetness, and this too is more than I deserve, and it’s better this way, how pleasant it is to get rid of one’s burdensome sense of justice, how pleasant to surrender, to live in absolute accord with the flaws of reality.