"Happy birthday, buddy." Jesus, I felt like I was going to ball like a baby and sounded like I was going to as well.
"Jace, you know I'm not good at this shit and I bet you're pissing yourself laughing from wherever you are right now, for which I will get you back one day, unless, of course, I don't die until I'm a little old man. Hey, at least you'll finally be able to beat me! Bloody pussy." I smiled at the memory of him trying to wrestle me to the floor.
I was being inappropriate, I think. What was protocol for talking to a dead person? Was it all about how much you loved and missed them? That kind of went without saying. He drove me crazy and loving Chloe while he was with her put a strain on my relationship with him but I would've died for him in a heartbeat. I would switch places with him right now.
"Sorry, bud. I don't even know if you can see what's going on from where you are, I assume you can, but I'm still sorry. I've been a shit brother for years. I envied you for years. I wanted to be the one who woke up beside her, who she looked at with that look, who she came to with a problem. I wanted to be the one who got to hold her and kiss her and make everything better. I watched you do that and it killed me, but I also want you to know that it only ever made me hate myself. I may have envied you and I may have wanted what you had but I could never hate you. Shit, Jace, I don't want her to affect me so much and I don't want to love her to the point where it suffocates me, but I have no idea how to make it stop. You know I would make it disappear if I could."
I gulped, tapping my fingers against my legs. "Half the time I don't know what I'm doing. It's a fucking miracle I helped her at all because I feel like I'm fucking up at every turn. I wish you were still here to keep the line firmly in place. I can't stop myself thinking about being with her, as hard as I try, I just can't fucking stop. God, if she was here right now I'd get told off for swearing so much. Her bloody fault though, right? Seriously, man, I just need you to know that I can't help any of it."
I downed a mouthful straight from the bottle as I felt a tear on my cheek.
"I'm so sorry, Jace," I whispered. "Don't hate me. Hey, does it help that it hurts like fuck to want her this badly but to know that I'll never get anywhere?" I tried to make it sound like a joke but I couldn't lift my voice enough. There was nothing funny about how much I wanted to be with her.
I took another long swig, swallowing a lump in my throat down with the whisky. A damn tear dropped onto my lap. "I miss you, bro. It might not seem like it but I do and I'd give anything to have you back. Chloe would, too, she'd want you." She'd wish I could switch places with Jace, too. I took a deep, broken breath and clenched my jaw. That hurt.
"Sorry, today's about you and I'm being a dick. You know I suck at this. I should've just stuck with I love you and I miss you, huh? I do, Jace."
The next gulp didn't burn anymore; the whisky slid down nicely and took the edge off how shitty I felt.
"We never really got the chance to go drinking together, did we? You were always too busy on your bloody Xbox or with Chlo. Probably a good thing though, you didn't need to learn that alcohol can, temporarily, solve your problems. Thing is, you sober up eventually and you're left to deal with your shit with a hangover. Now I'm on drunk watch; someone's always waiting to stop me going over the edge," I said, waving the bottle around before downing a bit more.
"Oh no, you don't," Chloe said, snatching the bottle of Jack off me.
I turned back to my brother, waving my now empty hand. "See!"
She sat down, putting my drink as far out of my reach as she could. While her back was turned, I swiped my hands over my face. "What're you doing, Logan?"
I pointed to Jace's grave. "I'm having a drink with my brother on his birthday."
"That would be all well and good if this didn't have falling off the wagon written all over it. I'm not letting you drown your sorrows and get drunk, especially not here. Jace wouldn't want that either."
I shrugged. "I dunno, I think he might like it."
"Why're you really getting drunk, Logan?"
"Isn't it obvious, Chloe?"
She growled. "God, you're such a pain in the arse!" Her small, warm hand found its way around mine and I almost stopped breathing. I'd not had enough alcohol to think kissing her was a good idea - I don't think that amount of alcohol existed anyway - but, fuck me, I wanted to.
"Please, don't do this, Logan. This isn't going to help anyone. I know you miss him, I miss him, too, but there's nothing we can do and getting wasted isn't going to make you feel better, not in the long run."
"I hate it when you make sense."
She smiled and it made her eyes lighten. "I always make sense."
Yeah, she had always made sense. That was the fucking problem.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to piss over today."
She squeezed my hand and I had a hard time restraining myself from grabbing her and wrapping my entire body around hers. I wanted her tucked against my chest, in my arms so we could grieve Jace together, support each other.
"How're you doing?" I asked. She looked okay, no redness around her eyes, no pain in her smile.
"I'm doing really good actually. This is the first time a birthday or anniversary has felt..." She trailed off, frowning and pouting her lip very slightly as she tried to find the right word. "I'm not sure how to explain it. Happy definitely isn't right. I can remember him and smile, I can wish him happy birthday without wanting to curl up in a ball and not exist for a while. I feel peaceful."
Good. I wished I could find that, too. I wished I didn't love her so damn much so I could stop feeling the crushing guilt on top of missing him. I couldn't forgive myself for wanting what I wanted so I couldn't just pure and simple miss him, there was all this guilt around it, tainting it.
Well, there was no way I wasn't holding her now, I needed it more than I'd ever needed anything. "Come here, sweetheart."
She shuffled closer, sitting by my side and laying her head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arm around her. "I'm so glad you're doing okay. I was worried about you."
"I think it's you we need to worry about now. You're the one that needs to make peace with what's happened. We can't change it; we can't control it. The past is set in stone, Logan, and all we can do is focus on the future. I want you to be able to come here and not want to drink. You and Jace deserve to still have a relationship that doesn't hurt you."
I'd never have that.
"Is that what you've got?"
"Yes. It's different, obviously, but I still feel close to him and I still talk to him a lot. I wish I could have him back, I miss my best friend, but I can't."
My heart stuttered and I wondered if she'd picked up on the fact that she'd said she wanted him back as a best friend and not boyfriend. She was over him, if that was even the right way of explaining it, but I'd just assumed she would want everything the way it used to be if she could. Was Jace just a best friend now?
"I'm glad to hear that," I replied, leaning my head against hers. Closing my eyes, I added, "What about your birthday?"
"Nothing big. I feel like a quiet one this year."
It'd been a quiet one for the last couple years but I got it.
"Next year I'm throwing you a massive party."
She laughed quietly, snuggling that tiny bit closer and putting her hand on the grass above Jace. "Deal."
Chapter eighteen
Chloe
"Happy Birthday!"
I jumped awake, ready to murder my parents in cold blood. They stood by my door wearing ridiculous matching smiles.
Groaning, I pushed myself up on my elbows. "Yeah, thanks."
"It's almost ten, love, come on, up out of bed."
"Your Mum's cooked a full English and it's almost ready."
"Now that I'll get up for." I swung my legs out of bed. "And presents? There are presents, right?"
Mum shrugged, trying not to smile. "There might be one or two." That meant she'd gone a little mad again. I was an only child and although I was
never spoilt to the point where I got whatever I demanded - I wouldn't ever dare demand! - she did like to go all out on my birthday and Christmas.
"Do you want to get dressed first?" Dad asked.
I looked down at my plan purple pyjama shorts and matching spaghetti strap top. "Not really. Do I look bad?" It was hot today already and I was at home. There was no need for me to get dressed before breakfast.
"Of course not, you never look bad," he replied. "Downstairs then."
My parents traipsed behind me; the excitement from Mum was palpable. Birthdays and holidays were her thing. She loved celebrating anything with family and friends.
I rounded the corner and almost jumped back, knocking them both over.
"Happy Birthday!" Nell, Logan, Cassie, Julia and Daryl shouted.
Now I got the are you going to get dressed question, it was a prompt. But these people were practically family, so I didn't really care.
"Thank you," I said, returning Julia's bear hug.
"Your parents invited us for breakfast, I hope you don't mind us tagging along?" she said.
"Of course not. I'm glad you're here."
I was ambushed by Logan next. Bracing myself, I wrapped my arms around his waist as he hugged me. "Happy birthday, sweetheart."
My heart did all kinds of somersaults.
"Thanks," I replied a little breathlessly.
Cass, Nell and Daryl gave me a quick hug and then we went to eat the food that was making my mouth water. I did notice a massive pile of presents on the coffee table. Most were wrapped in gorgeous metallic purple paper with silver ribbons and bows - from my parents. The rest were mismatched and I suspected from our new guests.
I sat down next to Logan by habit while the parents pottered around getting breakfast onto plates and making tea and coffee. Nell and Cassie gossiped about what they'd missed from each other's lives. They weren't really close but got along well when they were together.
That left me with the guy that I couldn't get out of my head, a guy that I really couldn't want.
"So what have you got planned for your birthday?" he asked. "Wallowing in your lost youth? Crying because you're not just twenty anymore you're well into your twenties?"
"I'm twenty-one," I said dryly. "And no, I figured I'd make Cass and Nell take me out and get me good and drunk. Girls' night sounds perfect to me. You know I don't want anything big."
He nodded. "Also a good idea. Are men not invited?"
They would've been but being drunk around Logan wasn't a good idea. The other night I danced too close to him, was too drunken flirty. I was afraid of what I'd do if my inhibitions and let's face it, morals, were lowered by booze.
"Nope, sorry. Girls' night."
"I'm up for that," Nell said, cutting in quickly before going back to her conversation with Cass.
"Fine, have your stupid girls' night but you'd better have a naked pillow fight."
"Really? And you do know it's supposed to be an underwear pillow fight?"
He grinned like a naughty schoolboy and his topaz eyes brightened. "Not in my head."
Oh, I knew how to wipe that smile off his face. "It's me, Nell and your sister."
His smile to fall I expected. What I didn't expect was over the top gagging and him playfully shoving me. "You're disgusting, Chloe!"
"You said it."
"No, I didn't. You've ruined naked pillow fights for me now, I hope you're happy."
The rest of the table fell silent and we suddenly had the full attention of six people, who were also gaping at us.
I smiled. "Inside joke." Logan scowled into the distance.
***
"You're wearing that out?" Logan asked, eyeing me pretty closely. Heat bubbled under my skin, trailing the path of his gaze. Stop it!
"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" I asked a little breathlessly. What was he anyway, my wardrobe police?
"Nothing. Everything."
His words gave me nothing but Logan was protective so my money was on the dress being tight and short.
"Why don't you wear that knee length dress with the sleeves?"
I raised my eyebrow. "Mmm, that'll look lovely out clubbing."
"Exactly. It's very nice and very... covering."
"Thank you for the concern, Logan, but I think I'll be alright."
"If any guys try to cop a feel?"
"Sharply jerk leg up between their legs."
"Then punch them in the face. Goes for you too, Cass."
She rolled her eyes.
"Come on," I said, linking my arm through Cassie's, "let's go get Nell."
***
Never again. I would never drink again and I would never speak to Cassie or Nell again. They'd promised me they wouldn't let me get drunk, and I knew logically that it wasn't their responsibility, but they were the ones buying me a new drink and a shot before I'd even finished the previous one.
My phone rang and the shrill noise made me want to launch it at the wall. It was Logan, which made me want to launch myself at the wall because my heart was still doing that thing where it went crazy at the thought of him.
I wanted to be able to blame it on alcohol or the fact that he was nice to look at and I was female but deep down I knew it was more than that. I was developing real, big feelings for him.
I let it go through to voicemail, too guilty to answer and face him. It didn't help that Jace was staring at me from the photo collage I had on my wall. I felt like he knew. His eyes, that at the time were smiling, now felt angry and judgemental.
Liking Logan was betraying Jace and I wasn't sure how to deal with that other than to take Logan out of the equation altogether. It wasn't a solid plan, I was too close to his family to be able to ignore him forever but right now it was the only plan I had.
Nell, who was now sleeping on my bedroom floor - when did she get up or fall out of bed? - stirred and groaned. "Chloe?" she said.
"Yeah."
"Why am I on the floor?"
"No idea, but I hope it's as uncomfortable as my head."
"I think it probably is. Did you have a good night, though?"
I shrugged even though she couldn't see me because her hands were over her eyes. "I think so." My phone started ringing again.
"Are you going to get that?"
Logan again. "It's too early and I'm too hung over to talk," I said, hoping that'd be it and she'd let it go. I flicked the damn thing on silent and put it down.
"Who is it?"
"Logan. I'll speak to him later."
"Wow, you don't usually cut him off. What did he do?"
He was Logan and made me like him. That was what he did.
"Nothing, I just feel like shit and I know he'll be cheerful and possibly smug." Definitely smug. "I don't want to be around cheerful right now."
"Mmm hmm," she murmured.
I wanted to leap out of bed, shine my computer lamp in her eyes and ask her what she knew. That mmm hmm was not innocent. She couldn't know how I was feeling about him. Could she? God, I'd turned so paranoid.
"What?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing. I need food pretty soon or I'll be seeing all that vodka again."
"Right," I replied, forcing my legs to work and get me out of bed. "I'll make us something. Do not throw up in my room."
I took my phone downstairs with me, she would answer it if she saw it flash. I had a text from Logan and Cassie. Groaning, I filled the kettle up and flicked it on before reading them both.
Logan: I take it since you're not answering you're dying. Call me back so I can make fun properly. And drink water!
I smiled and tried to calm the new feelings he was giving me.
Cassie: I don't like alcohol. Hope you had a good birthday. Xxx
I didn't reply to either of them because they lived in the same house. I didn't want Logan to know I was maybe a teeny bit avoiding him if Cassie mentioned I'd texted her.
With a brief pep talk about how everything was going to be fine and if I just kept t
o myself for a few days this little thing for Logan would disappear and order would be restored to the universe, I turned the oven on to warm some croissants for me and the sick one.
Chapter nineteen
Chloe
I walked along the aisle, picking up the things Mum needed for dinner and some things she didn't. I had successfully avoided Logan's house for a two whole days. I'd managed to keep contact to a minimum, claiming that I was busy helping my parents make plans for their big anniversary trip in October.
But that was all about to change because Cassie was at the end of the aisle, looking at ready-made sandwiches. "Hey," I said, stopping beside her.
She looked up and threw her arms around me. "Hey! What are you doing in a supermarket?"
"Getting my car repaired," I replied sarcastically.
"Oh, ha ha."
"Mum needed some stuff."
Cassie pointed to my eyes. "You look tired."
"Wow, thanks!"
"Come on. You not sleeping well?"
"I've had a couple late nights, no biggie."
Two very late nights where I laid in bed until the early hours, scolding myself for liking Logan and wondering how the hell it happened in the first place.
"Late nights where? You've not been over in a couple days," she said.
I frowned. What was with the twenty questions? "I'll be over soon, the parents' trip is almost sorted. Kinda want to go with them. Everyone okay?"
"We're fine; we miss you!"
I grimaced. They were practically family and I missed them, too, but I didn't like the way Logan made me feel. Or I did but knew I shouldn't.
"Miss you guys, too."
"I better go, lunch break is almost over and I've not eaten yet," she said, holding up the sandwich she was buying. "Tomorrow, Chloe Holland, be at ours."
"Yes, sir!"
Smiling, she walked off towards the tills.
I felt awful for lying to her. I think the only time I'd lied to her was when Jace and I first started having sex and I told her I was too ill to meet her in town because we wanted to spend the day in bed. Even then I felt so bad I vowed never to lie to her again, even if it was only something small. Here I was shovelling crap out of my mouth to cover up the fact that I was the worst person ever.
I grabbed the things Mum needed and headed home. Cass had texted me, telling me to come over at six tomorrow evening. The thought of being around Logan right now made me feel sick with nerves, excitement and guilt so I replied, telling her that I'd forgotten something I'd planned with Nell and couldn't make it.
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