Hard to Love

by Kendall Ryan

Page 12

 

  He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, then yanked his tie loose at the collar. “I’d better not. ”

  The air around us changed. It felt stiff, cold. “Cade?” I shifted a step closer. “What is it?” I braced myself, ready to hear that my judgmental mother had proved too much for him and he was cutting out on me.

  “I need to get home to Lily. ” His eyes refused to meet mine and I knew there was something he was holding back.

  I was about to tell him that Lily would be fine for an hour, but something about his stiff stance told me to not to press him. “Oh, I suppose I could come to your place, then. ”

  He took a step back. “Not tonight, Alexa. ”

  I frowned, and when I suddenly realized that he’d called me Alexa rather than cupcake, my stomach twisted into a painful knot. “What’s wrong?”

  “Listen, Lex. You and I are fun, but we both know I can’t afford the shit you’re used to. Prime-rib dinners and three-hundred-dollar pedicures don’t fit in to my life. This is bound to end sometime and the more time we spend together will only hurt Lily more when that happens. ”

  “I’m sorry, I just thought the warm soak and massage would be good for her legs. ” That spa visit hadn’t been about me. I’d done it with Lily in mind. His eyes widened in understanding, and a flash of guilt flickered through them.

  “Regardless, you know I’m right. The disapproval was written all over your parents’ faces. I didn’t go to college. I don’t have some fancy degree. I have responsibilities—a mortgage, and full custody of a six-year-old. ”

  “What was all that stuff inside about Alexa’s a big girl, she knows what she wants?” I challenged. Sure, he had responsibilities, but when had I ever showed him I wasn’t on board with Lily? And so what if he didn’t have a college degree? He had a freakin’ Masters in seduction.

  “You’re an adult. You should be able to stand up to your parents. ”

  “Well…I know what I want. ” My tone was defiant and my eyes didn’t waver from his.

  He sighed and looked past me. “That may be, but I have a little girl to take care of. She doesn’t have anyone else. She has to come first. I’m sorry. ”

  “I know. ” I understood that, I truly did.

  “Are you telling me you think your parents would ever accept us dating? No. You know they wouldn’t. You mom was trying to set you up with Peter while I was sitting right there. ”

  “I don’t care. ”

  “I do. ” His expression didn’t waver. It was like someone had stomped on my chest, and I struggled for breath.

  “Cade…” I reached out for his forearm, but he took a step back.

  “Go on home, Alexa. ”

  His emotionless tone all but froze my skin and I stumbled a step back in my heels. Not wanting him to see me cry, I turned and fled for my car.

  Chapter 15

  Cade

  Keeping my distance from Alexa was proving more difficult than I ever imagined. Every single day I had half a mind to drive up to the hospital to see her, and Lord knows I wanted to check on her, hear her voice, see how she was faring. Not to mention, during the first days of Alexa’s absence, Lily drove me up a fucking wall talking about Lexa nonstop. I hadn’t meant to lose my temper with her, but since I had, she hadn’t brought up the topic of Alexa again.

  Thank fucking God.

  It was just like I told Alexa—I knew from the beginning things would end this way, with a certain little girl wondering where she’d gone and my heart fucking crushed because of it.

  There was no denying that meeting Alexa’s parents had changed things. After that exchange of words in the parking lot, we hadn’t talked at all. I’d almost broken down and called her half a dozen times, but was trying like hell to give her some distance. She had to see this thing between wasn’t going to work. I mean, what did she expect, that I’d win over her parents, put a ring on her finger? Of course she deserved nothing less. But the real world wasn’t like one of those goddamn fairytale stories of Lily’s.

  After ignoring several calls from Rick, I’d finally given in, deciding it was time to do another film. I told myself this was it—it would be my last one. I’d pay off Lily’s outstanding bills, plus that ER visit of mine and be done with the whole thing.

  I picked up my phone and dialed, knowing I only had a few minutes before Lily was due off the bus. “Rick? Yeah, I’ll do it. When and where?”

  I listened as he gave me the instructions. Tomorrow. Shave in the morning. Be on location at noon.

  “Done. See you then. ” I ended the call. I hadn’t even asked who I’d be working with. It didn’t matter. I needed the money. My contract stated what I wouldn’t do—the whole gay for pay thing—and the rest, I knew I could handle.

  Once I met Lily off the bus and got her settled in with a snack and her ‘toons, I grabbed a bottle of beer and took off for the garage, needing to blow off some steam by reorganizing my toolbox, or punching something. Take your pick.

  It did little to relieve my tension, and ten minutes later I was stalking back inside. “Lily?”

  It was completely silent in the house. Not a good sign. I rounded the corner from the kitchen to the living room and stepped in something wet, and warm. What the—?

  When I entered the living room, the reason for the damp carpeting became clear. Lily had maneuvered a large pot of water into the living room and dumped it onto the floor, based on the puddle I was standing in and the overturned pot in front of me.

  “Lily, what in the world?” I grabbed the overturned pot, then reached down to wrench off my soaking wet socks.

  I found Lily crying silently on the couch. I rushed to her. “Baby doll? What happened?”

  She sniffed, pulling her bottom lip into her mouth. “I wanted to do a pedicure like me and Lexa did. ”

  That’s what the pot of water had been for? To soak her feet? I hugged her to my chest. “Shh. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. ” Fuck. I had no training in how to deal with this. How would I handle when she started her period or wanted to go on a date? Dammit.

  Just when I was starting to get on with my life and put the ache of missing Alexa behind me, life happened and landed a blow to my gut. My first instinct was to call Alexa, to beg her to come back, but I continued cleaning up the rest of the water, trying to talk myself out of it. When I couldn’t hold off any longer, I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed her number. The line rang several times before her voicemail picked up. Damn. I hung up without leaving a message. What would I say? I’m an asshole, but can you put that aside and come back? Yeah, that would work.

  I dumped the wet rags into the sink as my cell phone rang. I pulled it from my pocket and the screen flashing Alexa’s name sent my heart jumping. Alexa.

  “Cupcake?”

  She laughed nervously, all warm and feminine. God, I’d needed to hear that laugh. My tense shoulders instantly eased and I sank down into a chair at the kitchen table.

  “Cade?” her voice was guarded. “I saw you called. ”

  I hated hearing her so formal and down to business. “Yeah, it’s just…Lily…she’s been pretty torn up since you left. ”

  “Lily has?” she questioned, her voice tinged with a touch of sarcasm.

  “Yeah,” I said, losing my nerve.

  “Well, let’s clear something up. I didn’t leave, I was pushed away. There’s a difference, you know. ”

  “I know,” I said sheepishly.

  She let out an exasperated sigh. “Now tell me what happened with Lily. ”

  I explained the upturned pot of water on my floor and the fact that Lily was currently camped out on the couch in one of my old T-shirts, eating a bowl of ice cream. Before dinner. Just to quiet her sobs about the spilled the water.

  “I’ll be over in ten minutes,” Alexa said.

  “Thank you, cupcake. ”

  “Let me clarify one thing,” she snapped, her voice laced with an
ger, “I’m coming for Lily. Not you. ” And with that she hung up.

  Damn.

  Having Alexa on her way made everything feel lighter, feel right somehow. Even if she was only coming for Lily, the spilled water and the soaking wet carpeting, none of which bothered me anymore. I headed into my room to change my wet clothes and wait for Alexa to arrive.

  Alexa’s arrival was met with squeals of laughter and Lily grabbing for her walker to race to greet her at the front door. I stood back and watched Alexa scoop her up in a hug. Alexa was positively glowing. She was more beautiful than my memory could have processed. Her hair was swept up into a loose ponytail, several tendrils escaping to frame her face and she was dressed casually in jeans and a fitted pink top. She looked good enough to eat. My very own cupcake.

  But Alexa was all business, taking care of Lily and ignoring me completely. I’d never felt awkward in my own house, but it sure as shit did now. She lifted Lily to her hip, cradling and rocking her. “Sh,” Alexa whispered. “I’m here. ”

  Hearing Lily ask her in between sobbing hiccups why she hasn’t been around tugged at my heart.

  Once Lily was calmed and quieted, Alexa strode into the kitchen, grabbed her purse from the kitchen table and started for the door.

  I reached for her hand, but she shrugged herself free from my grasp.

  “Please, Lex. Will you stay?”

  Her eyes met mine, full of questions. “For you or for Lily?”

  I swallowed. “For me. ” I took her hand again, noticing that she no longer fought me, yet her hand remained limp in mine. I gave it a squeeze.

  “I recall you saying—” Alexa started.

  “I know what I said, but I’m an idiot, okay?”

  “Yes, you are,” she agreed. I could hear the smile in her voice, even if her face remained impassive.

  “So will you stay? I’ll even cook for you. It won’t be prime rib, but…”

  She chuckled. “I suppose I could eat. ”

  “Come on. I’ve got two pretty ladies to feed. ” I set Lily down in a dining room chair. “What do you say, scrambled eggs?”

  She nodded and settled into her seat, and Alexa reluctantly joined me in the kitchen.

  “Eggs? For dinner?” Alexa questioned, her tone one of surprise.

  “What do you have against eggs?”

  “Nothing,” she back-peddled. “I’ve just never had scrambled eggs for dinner. ”

  “Hey, you try cooking to please the palate of both an eighty-year-old and a three-year-old. I’d like to see what you come up with. ”

  She placed her hand on my cheek and held my eyes with hers as if to acknowledge all I’d been through. I smiled at her gentle concern, and after a moment she dropped her hand and stepped aside to allow me room to work. I removed a carton of eggs and a package of shredded cheese from the fridge and got to work.

  I hadn’t explained the whole story to her, and didn’t plan to. That year I lost my grandmother was hard enough—she’d basically raised me. But couple that with my parents dropping off Lily, still unable to walk at age three because they hadn’t invested the time or money into her care, and my grandfather’s failing health…and yeah, life had been hell that year.

  The truth was, none of us liked my attempts at cooking that first year, but rather than starve, we made it work. And a carton of eggs was cheap. Of course, those had been the days when we were still surviving off my grandfather’s meager social security checks, before he passed away in his sleep one night and I started working full time.

  Gosh, it seemed like so long ago. Now I took care of myself and Lily almost on auto-pilot, but back then, it had literally seemed an impossible feat.

  After dinner, Alexa and I settled on Lily’s bed while she read us a story. Even though the story she’d selected was quite a bit above her reading level, I’d read it to her so many times she had it memorized nearly word for word. My eyes drifted along Alexa’s outstretched form, her arm thrown over Lily’s shoulders as they huddled together on the pillow, rosy cheeks and eyes glued to the book they read from. My gaze followed the length of Alexa’s lean, denim-clad legs down to her cotton-candy-pink polished toes. I ran my fingertips lightly over the arch of her bare foot and her eyes caught mine. I knew we were both anticipating being alone tonight. I also knew I had some groveling to do.

  Once Lily was tucked in for the night, Alexa and I crept from the room. She started off down the hall, but my hands on her waist stopped her. I pulled her up against my chest. “I thought we’d go in my room tonight. ”

  Her eyes darted up to mine, trying to understand my meaning. She blinked up at me with blue eyes widening in surprise, trusting me, following me wherever I might lead her. I took her hand and led her inside my darkened bedroom. Not bothering to turn on a light—it’d only reveal a large messy bed, and a single dresser in the corner anyhow—I gently steered her towards my bed. When I felt the backs of her legs bump against the mattress, I gave her shoulders a gentle nudge and she fell backwards, giggling as she hit the bed and tugging me down on top of her.

  My lips sought out hers in the darkness, my body needing to be close to her in every way possible. Our limbs were a tangled heap in the center of the bed, though I tried to keep my weight from crushing her. I couldn’t believe I’d been stupid enough to push her away. If by some small miracle this angel thought I was good enough for her, I was hers. Body and soul.

  “Hey, I almost forgot. I got something for you. ” I disentangled myself from her, felt my way to my dresser and located what I was looking for. “Where’s your purse?”

  “You can give it to me. ”

  “Not right now. I’ll just tuck it inside your bag for later. ”

  “Okay. My purse is on the couch. ”