When Glass Shatters

by J. P. Grider

“You never bother me,” he said, meaning it. He was just sad that she wanted to talk about welcoming Dean back into her life. “Really, I’m just tired.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Noah couldn’t watch her leave; he didn’t care that the door would be unlocked all night. He did as he said and went to bed, tossing and turning the rest of the night, because he could do nothing about changing Rain’s mind about dating him. And that sucked.

  When he woke up, he was in no better mood. Worse actually, because he barely got two hours of consecutive sleep. Wishing he never brought the coffee machine back to Rain’s, he reluctantly dragged himself across the yard to make a cup, briefly contemplating walking to the deli instead.

  “Morning grumpy.” Rain, dressed in her workout attire and no longer sporting a quivering bottom lip, smiled.

  “You’re happy this morning,” he responded as he reached for a mug in the cabinet.

  “Had a good class this morning.”

  “Good for you,” he said sarcastically. “I still don’t get how you can get up so early to exercise. You’re crazy.”

  “If I had a choice, I probably wouldn’t, but I need to pay the bills.”

  Noah pressed the start button and waited for the coffee to fill his mug. “No you don’t,” he said seriously. “My dad left money for that.”

  “He left that money to you. I have my mom’s money, and I don’t want to go through it all. I use it to pay the house and stuff, but not my car and my phone and my…stuff for me. For that, I need my job.”

  Noah nodded. “Why don’t we go to the bank today? We’ll open an account with both our names on it, and I’ll put my dad’s money in it. Not all of it, we have to save some for college, and well, I should be using his money on this house too. I’m sorry I dropped the ball on that; it should have been that way from the beginning, it just slipped my mind.” He shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It hasn’t been an issue, really.”

  While he said, “Well, let’s go to the bank anyway,” he poured the milk into his coffee. “Brick’s money was meant for his family, so…do you have time today?”

  “Yeah. I have another class at ten, but after that, I’m free, but you don’t have—”

  Noah cut her off. “Yes, I do.”

  “Okay.”

  He sat down at the table with the prettiest girl in the world, but it made him smile anyway. “Sorry I was such a jerk last night. You caught me at a bad time.”

  “I’m sorry I brought up Dean. I know you two don’t like each other very much.”

  Noah held back a snort. “That’s an understatement.”

  “I only like him as a friend, Noah,” Rain said warmly. “Not that it makes a difference, but…” she trailed off.

  “It’s fine. Like I said, it’s not my business.” Noah said it in his sweetest tone, but it still gave him a bad taste in his mouth.

  “So, I had my first A&P tutoring session yesterday.”

  “Yes, how’d it go?”

  “She tried to make it easy for me, but I look at all those body parts, and my brain just shuts down.” Rain chuckled and rubbed the table with her palm. “I just have to learn how to memorize better or something.”

  “Well, that’ll work for the anatomy part, but I don’t think memorization will work for the physiology part.”

  “Ugh,” she grumbled as she dropped her forehead to the table.

  “For the physiology part, you can try to picture your own body doing whatever the function is of whatever part it is you’re trying to learn.”

  She raised her head and frowned. “I don’t even understand what it is you just said.”

  “I told you I’d help you. You never ask. I mean, you should have come to me before you failed your class.”

  “I felt funny.”

  “Why? I thought you were comfortable with me?” This was news to Noah, who thought he and Rain had a great camaraderie. “I mean I know I’m a jerk sometimes, but I thought you could come to me about things, especially school things.”

  She crossed her hands and fidgeted with her fingers again. “Especially not with school things. You’re so smart; it’s intimidating.”

  “Oh my God, Lorraine, no. I, mean, yeah, I’m smart, but I’m also really stupid, like, with the important things. That’s where you’re intimidating. You’re like this perfect person who knows how to be a good human being. That’s important.” Why the hell was he rambling like this? “Anyway…” he let the words sit in the air.

  She blushed. “Thanks.” In a whisper, she said, “But I’m far from perfect.”

  Noah didn’t respond; he’d already felt silly for saying as much as he had. “So, after your class, the bank?”

  “Yeah. I’ll shower there and meet you where?”

  “Here. We’ll go on my bike.” He loved making her smile like she just did, and he loved that she loved riding on the back of his bike.

  “I’ll be home about eleven-twenty.”

  “I’ll be here.”

  ***

  Noah was sitting on his bike when Lorraine pulled in at eleven-twenty, but his smile soon turned into a frown when Dean’s car pulled in behind her. Lorraine wasn’t expecting him so why was he here? That wasn’t going to make Noah very happy, and Lorraine wanted to avoid the conflict today. She’d have to explain to Dean that now was not a good time to be there. Before she even got out of her car, Dean was already at her door. “Hey, Dean, everything okay?” she asked nervously, seeing Noah’s scowl from several feet away.

  “Yeah. I came to see if you wanted to come with me to the music store. I need a new pair of sticks.”

  “Oh. Dean, I’d love to, but,” she looked over at a scowling Noah, then back at Dean, “we have to go to the bank right now. Maybe later or something?”

  Dean looked over his shoulder at Noah, then back at Lorraine. With a forced smile, he said, “Sure. Later’s fine. Why don’t you call me when you get back? We can get lunch afterward, or an early dinner, depending on when you get back.”

  “Sure. It’s only the bank, but, okay.”

  Lorraine shut her car door, and walked with Dean back to his car. “I’ll talk to you in a little while, Dean.” Without turning back to Dean, Lorraine walked over to Noah. “Sorry about that.”

  “Oh, it’s fine.” But she knew it wasn’t fine.

  Noah handed her the green helmet, she put it on, and climbed onto his bike. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her full arms around his waist, but considering the circumstances, she held onto the sides of his waist with her hands.

  Noah took it upon himself to move her hands where they belonged—clasped in front of him against his stomach. “Don’t want you falling off.”

  She smiled and kept her arms around him, all the while trying to remember the reasons why she wouldn’t let herself hug him for real.

  They made it to the bank in five minutes, spent twenty minutes inside the bank opening up the shared checking account, and five minutes to get back home. Noah had asked her if she wanted to go for a ride, but she declined, afraid to be so close to him for so long. Afraid to weaken her resolve more than it already was.

  “Thanks, Noah,” she said when she got off the bike. “I appreciate you helping with the money stuff.”

  “Eh, it’s my duty.”

  “Your duty?” she asked with a raised brow.

  “As head of the household.” Noah winked, and Lorraine realized he was teasing.

  ***

  Later that day, with Norah at Ashley’s, Carter at Kara’s, and Noah off somewhere on his bike, Lorraine called Dean and asked him to go the movies.

  She chose Finding Dory. She’d wanted to see Me Before You, but that was a romantic movie, and she didn’t want to give Dean the wrong idea. It’d only been a whole twenty-four hours since they’d been friends again; Lorraine wanted to set a precedent this time around.

  After the movie, Dean suggested getting milk shakes up at The Chatterbox in Aug
usta. Lorraine thought that sounded fun, so that’s where they went.

  “Counter or booth?” Dean asked when they got there.

  “Counter sounds fun.” It seemed less like a date that way. Lorraine was suddenly feeling nauseous. Was she leading him on by being his friend? Maybe it was selfish of her to ask him to stay her friend. The realization hit her as the waitress handed them the menus. Lorraine tried to smile, and she thought the words “thank you” came out of her mouth, but she couldn’t be sure. The waitress moving in front of her, people laughing around her, Dean’s lips moving silently next to her—all felt like a moving picture surrounding her and she not a part of it. Her head felt thick, her heart heavy, and her stomach upside-down. “I’m sorry,” she tried to say, but to her ears, it sounded as if she was speaking under water. Lorraine tried again to apologize for asking Dean back into her life, but as she opened her mouth to speak, a hand landed on her shoulder, and a voice she hadn’t heard in four and a half years sounded in her ears.

  “Rainy? Rainy Mattina?”

  Slowly, Lorraine reemerged into reality and turned to see the sandy-haired boy whose face she sometimes saw in her nightmares.

  “Johnny?” she managed to breathe.

  His hand lingered on her shoulder, and with it, he slowly spun her on the stool and lifted her up to hug her.

  Lorraine swallowed hard. “Johnny. You’re back.”

  “I am,” he said smiling, genuinely happy to see her again. “So, so, are you good? What have you been up to? How...how...how are you?” He was nervous too.

  “Um, good. Um,” she looked at Dean and said, “Can we go?”

  “Oh. Yeah.” Dean stood.

  Johnny frowned. “I’m sorry, Rainy. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “Okay, bye,” she said, grabbing her purse and leaving, hoping Dean would follow.

  Thankfully, Dean asked no questions on the thirty-minute ride home, but when they got to Lorraine’s house, the inquiries began. “Obviously, he was an ex of some sort, but why did he freak you out so much?” Dean asked while uncapping a bottle of water and handing it to her.

  She didn’t need water; she needed blackberry brandy. Lorraine went into the kitchen and pulled out the bottle she bought for herself the day she drove to Brandford.

  “Yeah, he was an ex, and, well, I haven’t seen him since...since he left for college.” She poured them each a glass and then he followed her into the living room and sat down next to her on the couch.

  “You never talked about him before.”

  Lorraine looked at him. “I don’t think I’ve talked about any boys.”

  “Come to think of it. You haven’t. Did you date anyone else besides the guy at The Chatterbox?”

  Lorraine shrugged. Should she tell him her whole sordid history with boys? She’d only ever told her mom, since she had to, and Noah, because she thought he needed to know. As close as she and Dean had gotten bonding over classes and a mutual major, and sharing pizza every other Friday night and breakfast on the weekends until her parents died, they’d never really discussed their prior relationships. In retrospect, that should have tipped Lorraine off about their not having a conventional best-friendship. Maybe she had lead Dean on the whole time. Dean was still waiting for an answer. Did she date anyone else besides Johnny? “You can say that, I guess.” Lorraine believed she should tell him everything, and then explain why her relationship with Dean was so refreshing. Maybe then he’d understand and feel special, because she wanted him to be different than the others. Platonic.

  So, she started with her thirteenth birthday when Spencer bought her that cupcake, and she ended with a day during her fourteenth year, weeks before she was to turn fifteen, when she found out she was pregnant with Johnny’s baby. Lorraine then told Dean how telling her mom was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. Telling Johnny, the second hardest thing. Until…she lost her baby. She hadn’t even known the meaning of difficult until the doctor came into her hospital room, after the ambulance had rushed her in due to hemorrhaging, and she was told she’d miscarried. Yes, she was just shy of fifteen years old, and yes, she was in no position to take care of a baby, but for the eleven and a half weeks she’d been pregnant, seven of which she’d known she was, Lorraine grew to love the little life inside of her. Her mother had too, once she’d gotten over the shock of her baby getting pregnant. And so, mother and daughter discussed the idea of mother adopting daughter’s baby. After long deliberation, Lorraine had come to like that idea, and her baby suddenly became part of her future.

  And then he wasn’t—leaving Lorraine heartbroken for the second time in her life, but devastated for the first. Losing her father when she was six, hurt; losing her baby when she was three days away from being fifteen, crushed her.

  “Wow,” Dean said when she was done sharing her story, the tears still fresh on her cheeks. “You’ve had so much happen to you in your short life. I’m so sorry.”

  Lorraine tilted her head. “I’m okay now. Life goes on, right?” She forced a smile. “Now I have different problems, so, whatever. I just thought, since we’re, y’know, best friends, you should know a little more about me.” She wiped her face with her fingertips.

  “Thanks, Rain. I know that was hard to share. I appreciate it.”

  “So now you know why I had to get outta there. I just, I just couldn’t deal with seeing Johnny again. Not when it all came crashing back at me the second I saw those green eyes.” She laughed mirthlessly. “I dream about those eyes often...and wonder if my baby would have had them, y’know?”

  Dean nodded and breathed, “Yeah.”

  “I never found out the sex of the baby, but I think it was a boy. A feeling...but anyway.” She wiped an errant tear. “You got any secrets you want to share?” She knew she was probably making Dean uncomfortable, so she needed to switch the subject.

  “Secrets.” He thought about this for a moment, his face scrunched up in contemplation. “Nothing as big as yours, I suppose.”

  Lorraine’s heart sunk. Was she that big of a freak to have a secret so big, nothing else compared? She didn’t know what she’d expect from Dean after she’d told him, but it wasn’t to feel deflated. Laughing uncomfortably, she said, “You gotta have something you haven’t told many people about.”

  “Nope. Not really.”

  Lorraine nodded and decided to drop it. She picked up the remote and clicked on the TV. “Care what we watch?” she asked as she switched the HDMI to watch Netflix.

  “Nope. Whatever you want.”

  She flicked to Gilmore Girls and continued with the episode she’d left off last time she’d watched. As they stared at the screen, she realized that the vibes coming off Dean were suddenly off—similar to what she felt that day she found him sitting at the kitchen table with his shirt off. She was quickly coming to the realization that he definitely wasn’t going to be okay with being just her friend. “Hey, Dean,” she decided to say above the TV volume. “Do you think it was a bad idea to do this?”

  “To do what?” He turned to look at her and rested his arm on the back of the couch.

  “To be friends. I, mean, I know how you feel, and I still haven’t changed my mind about that, but maybe I’m being selfish, you know, asking you to still be my friend.” Was she so desperate for friendship that she had to keep Dean in her life, even though she knew it’d be hard for him?

  Dean tapped his hand on the back of the couch a few times before he spoke. “Do you think you’d ever change your mind…about me?”

  “I don’t know. I, mean, I like you, but…”

  He slid away from the corner of the couch to be closer to her. “When we kissed, it seemed like you were into it. Did I misinterpret that?”

  Lorraine looked down, embarrassed. She did like kissing him, but there weren’t any sparks or flames or heat like she felt when Noah was kissing her. When her eyes met his again, she noticed their knees were now touching. “Um, no, you didn’t misinterpret that, but it wouldn’t b
e fair of me to…”

  She stopped talking, because having a pair of lips attached to hers tended to do that to her. Instead of opening her mouth to welcome Dean’s probing tongue, she pushed at his shoulders with her hands. “No, Dean, I’m trying to tell you we shouldn’t.”

  “But how will your feelings ever change unless we give it a shot? The best relationships are the ones that start as friendship. Give me a chance, Rainy.” He leaned in to kiss her again.

  This time, when she tried to push away, he didn’t budge. “Come on, Rainy, I know there’s something between us.”

  She turned her head from his lips. “No, Dean. Not now. Please.”

  “Come on. You put on Netflix. I know what that means.” His lips were now on her neck, and Lorraine all of a sudden wanted to vomit.

  She pushed at him again, but he pushed back and jammed his body on top of hers. “No, Dean. Stop. I know you don’t mean this. What’s going on? This isn’t you.” In the next second, Sunny was barking, which sounded more like a squeal, and he was on the couch trying to jump on top of Dean.

  “Get off me, you grungy dog.” Pressing his body firmly against hers, and thrusting hard against her pelvic bone, while shouldering Sunny off the couch, he gritted his teeth above her. “All this time, Rainy. All this time, I thought you were a nice girl. A virgin. So, I waited until you were ready. But here you are, more than ready.”

  When she pushed at him again, he grabbed her wrists and tucked them beneath his knees.

  “Ow, Dean. Get off of me.” She said, angry now that he was pursuing her this way.

  “No. I want you. I know you want me, too. Why are you denying it?”

  His lips came down on her again, while his hand rode up her shirt. “Get. Off of me,” she yelled this time, Lorelai Gilmore’s voice grating on her nerves in the background, Sunny still yelping at the bottom of the couch.

  “No, Rain. Give me a chance. We’d be good together. You know that.”

  “I said, NO!” She’d never been so angry in her life.

  He lifted her shirt up past her neck and tore down the one side of her bra. His mouth came down on her breast and as his tongue lapped out over it, she head-butted him the best she could, considering their positions. She didn’t hit him that hard, but he went flying across the room anyway.