by J. P. Grider
“Norah said he didn’t want to be selfish and use their dad’s money just so he could have a bigger apartment, so he got a job to pay the difference. Leave him alone.”
“It’s not the same here without him, though.”
Lorraine agreed, but she didn’t want to say so. “He was never around when he was at Duke, so what’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is…he’s my brother now. And I got used to him being here.”
“Give him a call then. Maybe he’ll fit in some wrestling practice with you.”
Lorraine and Carter’s conversation was interrupted by the doorbell. Carter answered it so Lorraine could finish the forms.
As she was writing their address, she heard the bass of a man’s voice before Carter said, “Oh yeah, I’ll get her.”
Lorraine put down the pen and stood. “Who the heck is it?” she whispered to Carter when he reemerged in the kitchen.
“Some guy.”
“What guy?”
“I don't know, Rain, some guy. He didn't say.”
“Fine,” she sighed, walking through the kitchen, dining room, and living room to the front door, where she stopped mid-step. “Johnny. What are you—”
“You keep yourself under the radar, don't you? When I Googled you, I only found your old address. You're not on Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, anything. Are you hiding on purpose?”
“What do you want, Johnny?” Lorraine wasn’t ready to see him.
“I haven't seen you in almost five years. Then you run out the minute I see you again. I just want to talk to you.”
Lorraine waved her hand toward the couch and reluctantly told him to talk.
Johnny sat on the couch, while Lorraine sat in the chair across from him, her stomach assaulting her from the inside out.
He started with, “How’ve you been?”
“Okay. Fine.” She sat on her hands to keep him from seeing that they were shaking.
“Fine? Nothing's new? In four and a half years, nothing new has happened?”
Crap. After taking a few deep breaths, she muttered, “My parents died. That's new.”
The sudden slack in his face made Lorraine realize that he hadn't heard, and now she felt bad for sounding sarcastic. “You're parents? But your dad…” he trailed off, not finishing his sentence.
“My mother remarried. She and her husband died in a car crash. How’d you find where I lived if you didn't know?”
“I’m so sorry, Lorraine. I didn't know. I went to your old house, they said you’d moved to this development. Found your mom’s name online. Came up with this address.”
“Geez. Why’d you bother? I don't get it.” She just wanted to forget the whole incident.
“Why’d I…Lorraine, I thought of you a lot when I was at school. Almost every night, but then I drank myself to sleep to wipe the...you out of my mind. I’m sober now. I can't wipe the image from my mind. I keep picturing this little baby with your dimples. Your eyes.” He smiled, but his eyes didn't. Lorraine even thought they looked glassy.
She didn't know how to respond. Her images of the baby were of him. Because she had a feeling their baby was a boy, she naturally pictured Johnny’s green eyes and full lips. “Why now?” she thought, then said out loud. “You didn't try to contact me once since you left. Why now? You're home from UCLA or wherever you went out there, and now what? You thought you could get laid again? Well, I don't do that anymore.” Unless you're Noah Mack, she thought.
“Lorraine. That is not why I’m here. You asked me not to contact you, if you remember? I only did what you asked of me.”
“Yeah, well, I needed to get over the whole thing. And you still there, in my life, I wouldn't have been able to.”
“Exactly. So, you can't be mad at me for feeling the same. Plus, I didn't get over it. I drank my emotions away.”
Lorraine just stared at him. Just seeing him here, in her living room, brought back that whole horrible time. “I wish you hadn't come.”
“I don't cross your mind at all?”
She shook her head and held her stomach.
“Rainy. Lorraine. I didn't walk away from you. When you told me you were pregnant, I said I’d be there. I said I’d change my plans. Get a job. I did not abandon you. I only left afterward,” he said the last sentence in a whisper.
She sighed. “Johnny, just…”
When he got up and kneeled before her, Lorraine tensed even more than when she first saw him at her door. His hands fell to her knees. “All this time, I’ve never stopped thinking about you. I know you thought because I was so much older that I was just using you for, for sex, but Lorraine, that's the furthest thing from the truth. You were so sweet. I enjoyed your company. You always made me laugh.”
The sudden pain in her stomach kept her from speaking. She was so young when she was with Johnny; she barely knew this man kneeling at her feet.
“Say something, Lorraine. Anything. Would you like to give us a shot? A date or two?”
“But,” she finally said, “what if you never ran into me? Would you even have bothered looking for me?” Lorraine knew she was giving him a hard time, but she didn't understand his intentions.
“Yes, I would have. I told you, I haven't stopped thinking about you.”
She was flattered, but with all the emotions she'd gone through this past year, Lorraine had to put her past behind her, and she had her siblings to think about now. She didn't have time for dating and getting to know someone again. Besides, her heart was otherwise engaged, and if she couldn't have the boy she wanted, she had no interest in anyone else. She needed to keep her life simple anyway, and dating only complicated things.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
If Corrinne hadn't done so much for their family, and her husband wasn't in New Jersey for the first time since before his daughter died, Noah wouldn't be on his bike heading for the Mattina/Mack home for pasta and meatballs that Sunday afternoon.
After Carter had called him the first week of September begging him to show him how to wrestle, Noah had set aside time each week to work with Carter. Because the middle school wrestling coach was familiar with Noah's record, he was more than happy to let Noah practice with Carter in the wrestling room once a week. Coach DiPaola’s reasoning was—if Noah could teach his stepbrother, a newbie, his championship moves, then by all means, the wrestling room was his until the season began. Coach DiPaola even offered Noah the assistant coaching position with him in November, but for Noah, that would mean living back in Oak Ridge for the winter, and with things being so awkward now between he and Rain, he’d declined. He still practiced with Carter every Thursday after school, and when they were finished, Noah would pick up Norah and take her to the diner for dinner to spend some time with his little sister. But he didn’t spend a whole lot of time inside their house. Not with his still impaired heart pining for the liar who resided there.
Today, however, he would be there for longer than a few minutes, and he would have to spend time with Lorraine. And inevitably, spending any amount of time near her always summoned a slew of emotions. Tamping them down was never easy either. But here he was, on his way to her house for Sunday dinner, where he’d have to pretend her presence had no effect on him at all.
The old red door squeaked open to welcome him into the Mattina/Mack home. “Noah. I’m so glad you could come,” Corrinne said with open arms; arms she used to squeeze him tight. “I can’t wait for you to meet Jack.”
As she spoke the words, a gray-haired man, using a cane for assistance, shuffled into the living room. “Noah? Is this th...the gr...gr...grandson I’ve been hea...hearing so much a...about?” His words were broken and slightly slurred.
Meeting him with an out-held hand, Noah smiled. “Hi, Mr. Blanchett, it’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Mis…ter Blanch…ett?” The old man looked around the room. “Is my fa…fa…ther here?”
“Sorry. Jack. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You’re my gr…
and…son aren’t you? Call me Gr…Gramps like th…the rest of them.”
Noah chuckled on a nod. “Thank you. Gramps,” he said softly.
“Come. Mimi made her kick…ass meat…balls to…day.” Gramps slowly led them into the kitchen, where Norah, Ashley, Carter, and Kara were already seated.
Before Noah could stop himself, he said, “Rain’s not joining us?” Way to play it cool, Mack.
“Rainy will be here,” Corrine said. “She’s…out at the moment. I told her dinner was at three, so she’ll be here. Sit, Noah. Let me get you a soda? Water? Iced tea?”
“Water’s good. Thanks.” Noah sat in the empty seat next to Jack. Gramps.
“So, I hear you’re rea…lly help…ing Car…Carter with th…the wres…wres…tling,” Gramps said, smiling at Carter.
“Yea, I am. He’s doing great. Quick learner.”
“Carter really appreciates it, you know,” Mimi added. “He really looks up to you.”
“Meem,” Carter said, clearly embarrassed by his grandmother’s acknowledgement.
Noah looked at Carter, wanting to say something, but he swallowed back the words. Before Noah could recover, the shadow in the doorway caught his eye.
“Rainy’s here!” Corrinne said in celebration. “Now we can eat.”
“Sorry, Meem. I didn’t mean to be late.”
“Johnny couldn’t get you back on time?” Carter teased.
Johnny? Who the hell was Johnny?
“Shut up, Carter.”
Carter shrugged. “How come he’s not eating with us?”
“I said shut up, Carter,” Rain scolded again.
“Kids. Stop. Come on, sit, Rainy,” Corrinne instructed.
“S…so, No…ah,” Gramps started. “Why are you p…paying for a place? You have a place here.”
Betraying his own resolve, Noah’s eyes quickly shifted to Rain, who was looking curiously at him. He turned back toward the grandfather and said, “I thought the commuting would be easier. There’s a lot of traffic getting to Teaneck in the morning.”
“Bull…shit. You’re wast…ing your mo...money. You be…belong here. With fam…ly.” Two syllables, not three.
Mimi chimed in. “Jack is disturbed by the fact that you don’t live in the apartment your dad built for you. Jack helped Brick build it.”
“Wait.” Noah was stunned. “My father actually built it. You mean he didn’t pay someone to build it?”
“Nope,” Corrinne said, smiling at her husband. “Jack came up that summer to help.”
“Said he had to have a pl...place for his boy.” Gramps sounded proud.
Noah looked at Corrinne. “Really, Corrinne? My dad said that?”
“Of course he did.”
“Mimi. Call her Mimi. Not Cor...Corrinne. She’s your gr...grand…mo...mother.”
“Right, I’m sorry.” Noah sighed. His boy? And he built it with his own hands? Noah didn’t know what to think of that.
“Stop wa...wasting your mo...money, No. Move back.”
Noah nodded, but he didn’t agree. There were other things to consider if he were to move in. Like how he’d be able to live under practically the same roof with the hazel-eyed girl who’d stolen his heart, but betrayed him with her lies. Noah didn’t think he could do it, even though moving back in was exactly what he wanted.
And who the fuck was Johnny?
***
Lorraine missed Noah.
But she hadn’t realized how much until she saw him sitting at the table.
He belonged at the table. He was family. Just like her grandfather said he was. She wanted him to be family too. But not the way it was now. She didn’t want Noah to be her stepbrother. She wanted him to be her boyfriend. Her fiancé. Her husband. The father of her children. That’s the kind of family she wanted him to be.
Instead, she was casually dating Johnny, the father of her never-to-be-born baby. At first, she didn’t think it was a good idea to start seeing him, but he kept calling, asking, pleading. “Please, Lorraine. We had something back then. Yes, you were young, but I had real feelings for you. Give us another chance now that we’re both adults. Get to know me again. Let me get to know the adult you.” His words were genuine; his intentions, honorable. But for Lorraine, the sparks weren’t there. The sparks were never there—with any of them. The only one that set her heart, her soul, her limbs on fire…was Noah. The only one forbidden to do so. The only one who wouldn’t even talk to her anymore.
While the family involved themselves in small talk, Lorraine noticed Noah did not. She also noticed that he kept glancing her way...with a huge frown on his face. Well, two could play at that game; she frowned back. Besides, she wasn’t up for smiling at him. Her heart was too heavy to smile—she wanted him too much, and the pain was inching its way into her chest. Why was life so unfair? She’d lost her father, her baby, her mother, her stepfather. Though Noah was very much alive, why did she have to lose the only boy she’d ever loved too? Could you lose what you’d never had? Probably not, but it hurt just the same.
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Listening to idle chatter while your mind was busy racing with its own thoughts, and your heart was beating too fast to be harmless, was enough to make a barely stable person reach the point of insanity. And that’s just about where Noah was headed right now. He had to get out of there.
“Uh, Cor...Mimi, do you mind if I excuse myself for a bit? I’m not feeling too well.”
“Sure, Noah. Is there anything—” Noah didn’t hear the rest of Corrinne’s question, because before she could finish, he’d slammed back his chair, grabbed the keys off the hook, and took off for his apartment out back.
Shutting the door behind him, he fell back against it. It was all too much—Lorraine. Her dimples. Her hazel-eyes. The scent of coconut wafting toward him. Whoever the fuck Johnny was. Finding out Brick had built this apartment with his own hands...for his boy? Then he remembered his aunt’s letter—not the part about the surrogacy, the part about his father. Brick wanted to send Norah to their aunt so he could take care of his son? Brick hated seeing Noah hurting so much? Did his father really talk about Noah to his new family before he died? Was it possible Noah misread his father’s actions all those years ago?
Why? Why couldn’t he block out all these thoughts? Why couldn’t he go back to the emotionless person he was? This kind of preoccupation was exactly the kind of thing he’d done before his mother passed away. He killed that person the day he walked out of rehab. When the fuck had he resurrected?
There was a soft knock on the door behind him.
He glanced at the doorknob, saw it was unlocked, and slowly and quietly turned the lock before he tiptoed toward the couch and sat down.
“I have my own key you know, I was just being polite by knocking,” she called from the other side of the door.
“Go away, Lorraine,” he said under his breath, not having the strength nor the constitution to mean it.
The doorknob turned and the door opened. “Used my key.” It was dangling from her tiny fingers.
“Go away,” he murmured again, his command holding no substance.
Of course she didn’t listen. She sat down next to him, cruelly enticing him with her nearness.
“I don’t wanna talk to you, Lorraine, please leave.”
“I don’t wanna leave. And I do want to talk.”
“I’m not going to listen.”
Lorraine curled up in the corner of the couch, crossing her legs and facing Noah, but Noah wouldn’t look at her. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the surrogacy. I know I texted you all this, but you never responded so—”
“‘Cause I deleted them before I even read them.”
“Ah, so you are listening?”
Fuck.
“Anyway,” she said, moving closer. “I really didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared.”
“Scared? Of me?” Fuck. Noah told her he wouldn’t listen. Damn ears.
“Scared o
f your reaction. Scared of what would happen. I was hoping it just wouldn’t be brought up in court or something. I don’t know. I didn’t really know what surrogacy was. As it is, I had to look it up on the internet.”
“What?”
“I thought it was like on Friends, when Monica and Chandler asked Erica to be their surrogate mother. I thought Norah was your Aunt’s daughter. I’d forgotten that also on Friends Phoebe carried her brother’s babies.”
Noah just shook his head.
“I know you think I’m stupid, Noah, but I didn’t know.”
Noah turned and sat mimicking Lorraine’s position on the couch. “I don’t think you’re stupid, Rain. I’ve told you that already. But I am pissed that you didn’t talk to me about this. I had a right to know, Tink, Rain, Lorraine. She’s my sister.”
“I know that. I know. And it broke my heart when I thought she wasn’t. I couldn’t do that to you. And even though I Googled it, I didn’t know what kind of surrogate she was. Not until that day in court. So, I was scared. I thought she wasn’t really ours.”
Noah sighed. A big, loud sigh. A big, kick-himself-in-the-ass, eat-crow kind of sigh. “Oh God, Rain.” He reached out his arm and tugged her toward him, finally wrapping his arm around her. “I’m sorry. It just pissed me off to find out like that.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I let it go on this long.”
Rain leaned in and rested her head on his shoulder. They both sighed. When things got too quiet, the pixie opened her mouth. “I saw you at dinner, Noah. You seemed to be preoccupied with something.”
When he didn’t respond, she said, “Penny for your thoughts?”
Exhaling a long breath, he finally said, “You’ll need a lot more than a penny, Rain.”
“I have a pretty nice inheritance I can give you.”
Despite his mood, he chuckled. With his head resting against the back of the couch, he closed his eyes and breathed. “I can’t shut it off, Rain. I just can’t.”
