The Girl of Sand & Fog

by Ward, Susan

  He stares at me, saying nothing, like he doesn’t know how to manage this or even what this is about.

  Internally I start to twirl.

  “I’m not doing anything of the sort, Kaley.”

  Fuck. Calm. Patient. Tolerant, and Jesus Christ, how can he stare at me and not know what’s happening here?

  It can’t be true.

  Linda can’t be right.

  Alan would have to be blind not to see what’s obvious.

  I scrunch my mouth. I start to shake my head, flipping my hair, and fight to hold my emotions in check.

  “Go get your stuff. I’ll drive you home.”

  I look away from him. “I don’t have to go anywhere with you. You’re not my father.”

  The second I say father my stomach shudders.

  He stares at me, shaking his head.

  “I suggest you get moving. Now, Kaley.”

  My fingers curl around the counter until my knuckles turn white. “I should have wrecked the fucking car!”

  Crap, I showed my anger first.

  I look at him.

  Black eyes rapidly search my face as if he’s trying to figure out what’s going with me and can’t.

  My stomach does another painful somersault.

  “I don’t give a damn about the car, Kaley.” He leans across the counter, removes a rolling pin from a kitchen countertop utensil set, and holds it out to me. “Wreck away. Destroy the car if you think it will help you. Then maybe you’ll be ready to talk to me and you can explain to me why you’re angry.”

  Really?

  Why I’m angry?

  Are you cruel?

  Stupid?

  Or just dense like everyone says?

  You’re my fucking father; why shouldn’t I be angry?

  “I don’t want to talk to you,” I murmur in an embarrassingly weak voice. “It’s pointless. It always has been. I’m not leaving here with you. Call the cops if you want to. I don’t care.”

  The second I say those words my insides go cold because I realize they’re true; it is pointless. I won’t ever get the truth by talking to him.

  “I’m trying to cut you a break here, Kaley.”

  Is that what you call this?

  Cutting me a break?

  “You’re not cutting me a break,” I snap with more emotion than I want to show. “That’s not what you’re doing here. Denial may be a terminal addiction for you, but even you should be able to figure out that I’m not a child anymore and I’m not stupid.”

  He rakes a hand through his hair again. “I know you’re not a child. I’ve never thought you were stupid. I know you’ve been through a lot lately. It’s why I’m willing to let this go and take you home.”

  “Now you’re just being patronizing and stupid.”

  I push away from the counter and run from the room. I dropped to my knees beside the bed, grab my tote, and lift out the box Zoe and I bought at the pharmacy last night. GeneSys Home Paternity Test. Try being fucking clueless with this shoved in your face.

  I go back into the kitchen, stare at him, and slam it down on the counter in front of him.

  Alan’s face pales. “Where did you get that?”

  “You can buy more than condoms at the drug store.”

  He grimaces, and I can feel that internally he’s as chaotic as I am now. Getting the picture at last, Dad? Even as frightened as I am, something akin to crippling relief floods my veins, a sensation that this part of my life will be over soon, and that my dad might finally just talk straight to me and explain to me why—

  “I’m not going to take that.” Alan’s furious voice pulls me from my thought. “You’re being ridiculous. You’ve embarrassed me. Are you happy?”

  I gape at him.

  Embarrassed?

  Happy?

  I fight not to throw the box at him, and instead calmly remove and then unwrap one long Q-tip looking instrument.

  I hold it out to him. “Touch it inside your cheek and give it back to me. I can do the rest myself.”

  His eyes move so rapidly as he studies me I can’t tell what he’s thinking or how this is hitting him or what direction this is going to go.

  “This is about Khloe,” he announces as if a lightbulb just turned on in his head.

  Infuriating and wrong.

  “Your constant anger at me, everything you’ve done this morning, it is about your sister,” he continues in disbelief. He meets my gaze directly, unwaveringly. “Yes, she’s my daughter, you are going to have to figure out a way to be OK with that, and I don’t need to take a DNA test, Kaley. There is no doubt in my mind and I won’t do it. I would never hurt your mother that way. Your mother’s word is enough for me. It should be enough for you, too.”

  Oh God, Alan, there’s only two of us talking here. Why am I not even the focus of this discussion for you? Why is it always my mother? Only now it’s Khloe also and not me.

  The tears are pushing upward.

  I have to get out of the room.

  I won’t let him see me cry.

  “God, you’re an idiot,” I scream, startling everyone, before I grab the box off the counter.

  I hurry down the hallway to Zoe’s room. My thoughts and emotions are spinning. I shoved a DNA test in his face, and even after that, for him, it wasn’t about me.

  The tears erupt and I sink down on the bed.

  I feel arms around me.

  I turn into Zoe.

  “I’m sorry, Kaley. I know that was awful for you. But Alan is here. I know you missed it. But he was trying. He just didn’t get it. You shouldn’t have run. Why didn’t you just ask him if he’s your dad? Why didn’t you talk to him? Demand the truth.”

  I lift my face, frantically brushing at the streaming wetness on my cheeks. “Because I could see it in his eyes. He is never going to tell me the truth. He would have lied to me. I didn’t want to hear him say the words to my face. I don’t think I could take that.”

  * * *

  When I pull into my garage, Mom’s car is gone. Perfect.

  I unbuckle my seat belt and grab my bag.

  “Kaley, you’re not really going to do it, are you?”

  My mouth drops as I look at Zoe, nervous crinkle in her brow and ridiculously fretful. Can she really wonder that after the scene in her kitchen this morning?

  “Yep. I’m doing it,” I announce, opening the car door. “I don’t know why you are still freaked out. Nothing bad happened. Jeez, Alan didn’t even call my mom. My phone would have blown up hours ago if he had. He never gets mad. He never tells on me. It’s all good. Can you stop worrying? Are you coming?”

  Zoe lets out a shuddering breath. “Yes. I’m coming. I’m hoping you’ll change your mind. I don’t think this is the way to do it. It feels kind of wrong to me.”

  I slam shut my door and wait as she climbs from the passenger seat.

  I stare at her across the roof. “I won’t get the truth any other way.”

  Her pale brows crinkle more. “Just promise me you won’t do anything crazy after you get it or I won’t help you.”

  I roll my eyes. “Way to have my back, Zoe.”

  She crosses her arms.

  I widen my eyes. “I promise.”

  I open the door into the house and the sound hits me like a brick. Twins running wild. Someone has turned on the audio system all through the rooms. Katy Perry. Gag me.

  I go into the kitchen and find Aarsi and Krystal sitting together like besties on the family room floor, with Khloe in a bouncer between them.

  “Where’s Mom?”

  Aarsi clicks off the music. “Out with Lourdes.”

  I go down the hall into my bedroom and close the door behind Zoe. I sink down on the bed, pull the box out of the bag, and start reading the instructions.

  Kinship DNA test.

  Designed to test siblings.

  I can’t believe Zoe thought of this.

  Why is she panicking now?

  Why are there five sticks includ
ed? Are there really families that fucked up in the world? Directions look simple enough. Swab inside of cheek. Return tester to foil pouch. Seal. Mail. Six to eight weeks for results.

  Easy beans.

  What’s this form?

  I pull it out and start reading. Oh shit. Why can’t they just give me the results by e-mail?

  I turn to Zoe. She’s leaning back against my headboard, phone in hand and rapidly texting.

  My eyes narrow. “What are you doing? You better not be telling Bobby about any of this.”

  Her face snaps up and her cheeks redden. “No. I’m not. I promised I wouldn’t. But I probably should tell him everything. And by the way, I do have a life other than you, Kaley. I’m texting Jake, if you must know.”

  She scrunches up her face at me and looks down at her phone again.

  I hold out the form. “You need to fill this out. I don’t know your address. I have to have the results mailed somewhere. And I can’t have them sent here.”

  She grabs the form and studies it, shaking her head. “I don’t want my name on that thing.”

  “Well, we can’t put mine on it. Jeez, it’s for mailing purposes. It’s no big deal.”

  I take a pen from my bag and hand it to her. With an aggravated sigh, she snatches it from my hand, plops onto her stomach on the bed, and starts writing.

  I open one swab, swipe my mouth and put it back into the foil. There, done. Now I just have to figure out how to swipe Khloe’s cheek without Aarsi or Krystal seeing me.

  My legs start jiggling as I wait for Zoe to finish filling out the form. “Do you think this is really going to work? What if it’s just a racket and doesn’t work?”

  She frowns, double-checking the form as she chews on the end of the pen. “Of course it’s going to work. They wouldn’t sell these tests if they didn’t work. Besides, I saw this on an episode of Law & Order. This girl wanted to prove some rich guy was her father, but he wouldn’t take the test, so she tracked down her half brother and did a kinship test. Great episode. Riveting.”

  Really, Zoe?

  Your big idea came from TV?

  Oh well, it’s probably better than anything we could think up. They do research those cop dramas pretty well.

  “Are you done yet with that form?”

  “Uh-huh. I think so,” she says with a nod. “We need to write down which tester belongs to which one of you.”

  “No we don’t. We’re only sending two.”

  Her eyes light up. “Yep. That’s right. We can skip that step.”

  I sigh and rise from the bed. “Here’s the step we can’t skip. We’ve got to figure out a way to get Khloe away from Aarsi.”

  I leave the box, the form, and the extra testers on the bed, and slip a fresh one for Khloe into my pocket. She’s got to nap sometime.

  Back in the family room, I sink down on the sofa close to Krystal and Zoe does it again—hangs back in the kitchen, hovering and anxious.

  Krystal turns her face to look at me. “What?”

  I shrug, innocent. “What are you talking about?”

  “Why are you sitting behind me, staring at me?”

  I make a face. “I’m your sister. Where should I be?”

  Krystal rolls her eyes, slaps shut her laptop, and leaves the room. Aarsi continues reading her textbook, glancing at me in between highlighting.

  “Where do you go to school?”

  She lifts her face. “UCLA. I’m in graduate school.”

  “I thought you were younger than that. What are you studying?”

  “Environmental economics.”

  “Why? Do you plan to cure the world’s inequalities through wealth redistribution like every other college airhead out there too ashamed to admit they’re in college so they can make money? Or do you really believe all that shit about micro-managing fairness?”

  She slams shut her book.

  Ah.

  I’ve pissed her off.

  “I need to make the boys their lunch. Can you sit with Khloe for a while? She refuses to sleep today.”

  Winning.

  I smile. “Sure.”

  I wait until she’s down the hallway.

  I rip open the foil and pull out the stick. “Zoe, keep watch. Make sure she doesn’t see me.”

  A loud frustrated sigh comes from the kitchen, but she moves from the counter to the doorway as a lookout.

  I stare down into my sister’s face and I feel it, an out of nowhere jab that this is wrong—damn it, Zoe, thanks a lot—but I gently ease the tip into Khloe’s mouth anyway. She just stares up at me with Mom’s giant blue eyes. I quickly take the tester away and shove it into the foil.

  Not even a tear from Khloe. For some reason that makes me feel lousier about doing this. Her trust is an absolutely shaming thing.

  I kiss her on the forehead. “I’m sorry, baby girl.”

  I cross to the kitchen. “Play with Khloe while I get everything ready to mail.”

  Zoe shakes her head at me, but goes into the family room and sinks down on the carpet close to my sister.

  My pulse is beating double time as I make my way down the hall. I’ve got everything I need for undeniable, irrevocable truth, but it doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.

  I’m nervous. Agitated. Afraid and sad.

  Maybe Bobby is right. Maybe it’s not always a good thing to know everything. Doing that to Khloe definitely felt wrong.

  I’m angry that they’ve lied to me.

  Does that make this right?

  I’m not at all certain anymore, and halfway to convincing myself to toss everything in the trash and not do it.

  I step into my room.

  “Kaley! What is wrong with you?”

  My heart stops.

  Krystal.

  Sitting on my bed with the box.

  And what the fuck has she done with my testers?

  “How dare you come into my room and snoop?” I snap, rummaging through the wrappers and used test sticks on the bed.

  Oh God.

  They’re all ripped open.

  I don’t know which one is mine.

  Krystal springs to her feet. “Tell me what’s going on or I’m calling Mom.”

  I whirl on her. “You call Mom, if you so much as breathe one word of this to anyone, and so help me, I’ll never speak to you again.”

  Her eyes cloud over, stricken. “Sneaking around the house and now this. What is it you’re trying to prove?”

  I let out a ragged breath. “Duh, Krystal, you can’t be that dumb. I want to know if Khloe and I are half sisters or whole sisters. I have a right to know and you don’t have a right to stop me.”

  I do another frantic study of the testing kit. Shit, why did she mess up the sticks? I can’t tell which one I used and which ones she destroyed.

  She tries to stop my hands. “Then ask Mom. Don’t do this. Something terrible will happen if you do.”

  I drop Khloe’s sample into the mailing envelope and then, carefully one by one, the others. “I’m mailing it off. And you’re not stopping me.”

  “Do you know how wrong this is?”

  I give her the stare. “Yeah. About as wrong as you thinking messing with the other testers would matter.”

  She crosses her arms, challengingly. “Oh no, I didn’t just open them. I used them for their intended purpose. One of those is Eric’s. One of those is Ethan’s. One of those is mine.”

  “What?” I frown. Why would she do that?

  She shoves her face close to mine. “That’s how wrong this is, Kaley. Swabbing all of us is as wrong as you only swabbing yourself and Khloe and thinking that makes it OK. This is bad. It’s wrong. You can’t do this without hurting all of us. You didn’t even think of that, did you?”

  I seal the mailing envelope. “For a genius, Krystal, you are pretty not-smart at times. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know which tester is which. I’m just mailing all of them off. All I need is two to match. Bingo. I win.”

  Sh
e looks away, lower lips quivering and on the verge of tears as if she’s struggling hard against saying something she doesn’t want to tell me.

  “It’s too late, Krystal. And I have a right to know who my father is.”

  Her eyes are giant, frightened, glassy saucers in her face when she looks at me. “For a genius, you are pretty not-smart at times yourself. Don’t do this, Kaley. Please. I’m begging you. You’re going to ruin everything.”

  CHAPTER 20

  Zoe pulls into the curb in front of Velvet Jones, and puts the car in neutral.

  I check my texts. No answer from Bobby. My internal panic grows more severe. It’s probably nothing. I’m just being paranoid. So he didn’t text me back when I texted him two hours ago. He’s out having fun with the guys. It was all good when he called me this morning. His not rapid-fire answering now is nothing to get all butt-hurt over.

  Crap, I’m probably just freaking over this because I’ve been a tight bundle of nerves since I mailed off the kinship test. Chaotic. Afraid. Regretful. And really confused. So not the reaction I expected being this close to having the proof that Alan is my dad.

  But then, everything has gone into the crapper since the day I mailed the test. Alan MIA for four days. I didn’t want that; to fuck with my mom’s happiness. I know he’s staying away because of that scene in the kitchen and I don’t know what to make of that. And then there’s Mom smiling in her life is wonderful way when the entire house is radiating with her internal mess. And, fuck, even Krystal is not speaking to me.

  Crap, nothing has even happened yet because of the DNA test and my entire world is crumbling and Krystal won’t even talk to me.

  Zoe turns toward me. “Come on, Kaley. Let’s have fun. Dance a little. Laugh a little. You look hot. Let’s just go into the club and forget about everything for one night, OK?”

  I frown. “Bobby still hasn’t texted me back.” I lift my gaze to hers. “You didn’t tell him all the junk that happened, did you?”

  Zoe does a frustrated growl. “No. For the ten-thousandth time, no. I wouldn’t do that to you. You’re my best friend. I’ll always have your back. That’s how it works.”