I Was Born for This

by Alice Oseman

  ‘Yep, I’m still alive. Not been murdered.’ I laugh, trying to keep things light. She smiles at me, but doesn’t laugh.

  Piero appears out of the kitchen, where he’s assigned himself tea duty. I informed him that my friend was coming just after I asked Jimmy for the address. Piero didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, he seemed glad of the extra company.

  ‘You must be Juliet!’ he says. ‘I’m Piero Ricci. Jimmy’s grandad. Cup of tea, my love?’

  ‘Yes, please,’ says Juliet. She’s very good at remaining composed, but I can see the slight awe in her eyes.

  Piero disappears again, and then Jimmy comes out of the living room. He looks ten times more nervous than Juliet.

  ‘Hi, you must be Juliet?’ he says, the same words as his grandad but a completely different tone.

  ‘Yes, hi,’ she says in the most composed, eloquent, adult tone I’ve ever heard out of the mouth of someone my age. ‘Thanks so much for letting me come here to make sure Angel’s okay.’

  Jimmy seems just as surprised as I am by Juliet’s complete and total composure. ‘No problem.’

  ‘And … I hope you’re feeling okay?’ she says, asking it as a question.

  ‘Thank you,’ he says, not really answering. He nods, and then after a pause, he disappears back into the lounge.

  Juliet stays very still for a moment, one hand still gripped firmly on to her umbrella.

  Then she says, ‘He’s just a normal guy, isn’t he?’

  Bliss then appears out of the kitchen. She’s tied her long hair up into a messy bun and I think she might be wearing one of Piero’s cardigans.

  Juliet does a comical double take. ‘Y-you’re here too?’

  Bliss grins widely. ‘Why, yes, hello, I am here, and I’ve just split up with my boyfriend. I’m single and ready to mingle.’

  Rowan shouts ‘Too soon!’ from the kitchen.

  I guess they must be all right after all.

  The three of us – me, Juliet and Bliss – decide we want to get out of the house for a bit. When Rowan and Lister make an appearance before we go, Juliet greets them like she’s making a connection at a business event. They react similarly to Jimmy. I guess when you have girls screaming at you every single day, meeting someone able to behave normally and politely must come as a surprise.

  We decide to walk down to the pub at the end of the road to talk. I was starting to feel like I should at least give Jimmy and the boys some space, even if he didn’t want me to leave for good.

  On the walk down, we don’t say anything, even though we’re all sharing Juliet’s umbrella. We crowd in a row of three on the pavement, avoiding the stream that’s running down the middle of the road.

  The pub is a quaint, cottage-like building with very few people inside and it feels dim and empty. We order soft drinks from the bartender – a glass of milk for Bliss, a lemonade for Juliet and a J2O for me – and then go and sit in a corner booth. The rain outside drowns out the voices of anyone else in the building. Juliet keeps tucking and untucking her hair from behind her ear.

  There’s a lot we need to talk about.

  Juliet’s voice from Thursday night still rings in my ears.

  How are you going to go through your life loving nothing as much as you love a boy band?

  She was right about that of course.

  I don’t love anything as much as I love them. Even myself.

  And I guess Juliet doesn’t feel the same. I guess she always had larger things going on in her life. Maybe The Ark was an escape for her, like it was for me. But maybe, ultimately, she’s strong enough not to make them her everything.

  ‘Well then,’ says Bliss. ‘Man. Yikes. Jeepers. Am I right?’

  This does actually make me snort out a laugh. Even Juliet smiles.

  ‘What’s been going on with you two?’ asks Bliss. She points between us. ‘I’m sensing some tension.’

  When neither of us answers, she points at Juliet. ‘Posh girl. Did you dump the fuckboy?’

  Juliet chuckles. ‘Erm, yes.’ She glances at me. ‘He went home pretty soon after he got back from the station. We might still talk, but … nothing more than that, I don’t think.’

  ‘Good, good. Excellent.’ Bliss points at me. ‘Cool girl. How did you meet Jimmy?’

  It’s a long story but Juliet doesn’t know it either, so I tell it to both of them. The mob at the meet-up, being trapped with Jimmy in the bathroom, looking after his knife for him, giving it back to him at St Pancras, and him begging me to help him get home.

  It feels like it all happened to somebody else. Not boring old me.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ says Bliss when I’ve finished. Juliet sits silently, a little open-mouthed. ‘I’m gonna need another glass of milk.’

  She gets up and wanders over to the bar, leaving Juliet and me alone.

  ‘How can any reasonable person just drink milk on its own?’ I ask, horrified.

  ‘God, I know, right?’ says Juliet. ‘It’s practically masochistic.’

  We both laugh, and then fall into silence for a moment before we both try to speak at the same time.

  ‘I—’ I say.

  ‘We—’ she says.

  ‘No, you first,’ I say.

  ‘No, no, you go,’ she says.

  I sigh. ‘I’m … sorry. For being a dick all week. You wanted to hang out with me and get to know me but … all I cared about was The Ark.’ I pause. ‘And … Mac told me what’s been happening with your parents. That they kicked you out.’

  Her eyes widen. ‘He told you about that?’

  ‘I’m so, so sorry for not … I don’t know. For not noticing, or giving you the chance to talk to me about it. I just wouldn’t shut up about The Ark all week and … going on about my parents being shitty when yours are like actual pure evil …’ I shake my head and look down. The weight of all the awful things I’ve done is crashing over me again. ‘I’ve been the absolute worst friend.’

  Juliet bites her lip. ‘Well … I’m sorry for inviting Mac in the first place. This was supposed to be our week, but I was excited about maybe having a boyfriend, and I just … I prioritised him over you.’

  Wait, she’s sorry? But this was my fault, wasn’t it?

  ‘You’re my special internet friend, Angel,’ she says, smiling weakly. ‘You know more about me than anyone. I feel like I can at least … at least try to be myself around you. Even if I can’t do it that well at first. And I always enjoy talking to you. And you actually listen to the things I say.’ It all comes out in a rush of compliments that I’m not ready for. I nearly choke on the ice in my drink. ‘And I really wanted to tell you about the stuff with my parents, but … there just never seemed to be a good moment. And you did just wanna talk about The Ark all the time, which is fine, because, like, I was excited too, but I also … I don’t know. It’s harder to tell people stuff like that in real life.’

  I stare at her.

  ‘You’re my special internet friend too,’ I say.

  She laughs, patting her hair down embarrassedly. ‘Good!’

  ‘And you can tell me about serious stuff like that. I promise. You can just tell me to shut up about The Ark any time. I won’t be offended.’

  We both laugh, before falling back into silence again. Juliet starts playing with her straw.

  ‘Meeting The Ark has changed me,’ I say.

  She looks up and frowns. ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘They …’ How can I explain. How do I explain to anyone, ever. ‘They were my sole purpose for being alive. They felt like the reason I was born was to … love them.’ I shake my head. ‘But I can’t properly love something I don’t know. And I don’t know them. I don’t know them at all.’

  Juliet rests her chin on one hand.

  ‘I’ve been feeling that too,’ she says. ‘I mean, not in the same way, I guess. I’ve been feeling it for a while.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Sometimes whole days go by where I don’t check @ArkUpdate
s. Sometimes I resent them for making me care so much.’ She shrugs. ‘Sometimes I just get this craving … to break away and have my own life and care about other stuff more. That’s why I got so attached to the idea of a relationship with Mac, actually.’ She sighs. ‘We talk about other stuff. I felt a bit more like I was my own person for once. I ended up not liking him that much, to be honest, but when I talked to him and hung out with him, I felt good because I didn’t need to think about The Ark to … to cope with other stuff.’

  I nod. ‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I get that.’

  She smiles. ‘We should just care about ourselves more.’

  I smile too. ‘That’s a deal, my guy.’

  Bliss returns with another full glass of milk and says, ‘I’m shitting you not, the bartender full-on cackled at me when I ordered this.’ And the three of us laugh. And I imagine this must be what it’s like to have real friends.

  It’s mid-afternoon by the time Rowan declares that he wants to sit down and talk to me and Lister about the band again. Bliss, Angel and her friend Juliet (who, by the way, seems refreshingly calm) have returned from their trip to the pub, where they were gone for over an hour. Grandad’s listening to an audiobook in the kitchen while doing something on his laptop.

  The three of us go to my bedroom. We’re too old and too sad to be in here. Feels like we’re doing our past selves wrong – the three kids who used to jam on secondhand instruments in here, scribbling down lyrics into the back of school exercise books.

  Lister and I sit on my bed, Rowan sits on my desk chair.

  He takes a deep breath and asks, ‘Why do you want to leave The Ark?’

  All my thoughts come out, tangled up with each other, not making any sense. ‘It’s all a big lie. It’s all fake; the magic of fame isn’t real any more. I don’t enjoy anything. I feel like I’m lying every single day. I can’t even do things I want. I don’t feel safe in my own apartment and I can’t leave it either. I’ve been feeling this for so long but after that Jowan photo this week, I’ve just … I’m just … I’m going insane.’ My voice gradually gets louder as I speak. ‘I’m just … I’m just going insane.’

  Lister has found alcohol, by the way. He has a large glass of wine in one hand.

  Rowan stares at me. ‘Right.’

  We all sit in silence for a minute. Lister puts down his wine glass, picks up my old guitar, and starks plucking at it.

  ‘You can see it’s not the same as it used to be … right?’ I ask desperately. Echoes of our past selves are dancing around us. Lister jumping on my bed, banging drumsticks on my wall. Rowan grumbling when he can’t get a microphone to plug into my computer. ‘You can feel it’s … it’s not the same?’

  ‘Why should things stay the same?’ Rowan asks.

  ‘Well … maybe they shouldn’t, but they’re getting worse. The contract, the fans, the rumours … it’s all getting worse.’

  ‘What, getting more rich and famous? Millions more people loving our music? That’s worse?’

  ‘Is that what you want?’ I ask. ‘Wealth and fame?’

  ‘No, I just …’ Rowan shakes his head. ‘I just can’t understand what’s bothering you.’

  ‘It bothers me that I can’t go for a walk when I want to,’ I say. ‘That I can’t go and see my grandad when I want to.’

  Rowan watches me.

  ‘It bothers me that I don’t enjoy being in a band any more,’ I say.

  Lister glances up at this, stopping strumming on the guitar.

  ‘Okay. Okay. I get it.’ Rowan sighs. He rubs his forehead with one hand. ‘Look … Jimmy, I’m not trying to tell you that any of that is fair. But … it’s just the deal we’ve been dealt. It’s what we have to put up with in return for being, let’s face it, some of the most privileged people on the planet. I know you want everything to be perfect, but nothing is ever going to be perfect. You’ve just got to put up with the bad things and wait a bit longer until our waiting pays off. In a year’s time we’ll be famous in America and you’ll look back and wonder what the fuck you were ever worried about!’

  ‘And what if I keep waiting and it never gets better?’ I ask.

  ‘It will.’

  ‘No, you don’t fucking know that, Rowan.’ I raise my voice. ‘I’m not going to just sit and wait for things to change any more. I’m changing things. I’m doing what I want for once.’

  ‘And you don’t give a shit about what we want? You don’t give a shit about all the stuff we’ve done together the past six years?’ Rowan splutters. ‘We just played music together and had fun for the first time in months. Maybe years. Don’t you care about us any more?’

  ‘Obviously I do, but it’s not good any more.’ Why doesn’t he understand? Why am I the only one who feels like this? ‘I can’t keep lying every single day. Turning up to events, smiling and waving and pretending to be happy. I can’t keep living like this.’

  ‘You sound like a baby,’ Rowan says.

  ‘And you’re still being a condescending twat—’

  ‘Can you both fucking stop?’ snaps Lister. ‘Jesus, I haven’t ever heard you argue this much in my entire life.’

  Rowan and I fall into silence.

  ‘This isn’t getting us anywhere,’ says Lister.

  ‘Well, what do you want us to do, then, Lister?’ says Rowan, rolling his eyes.

  Lister takes a large gulp of wine.

  ‘Maybe we should go,’ he says, looking at me.

  ‘What, me and you?’ says Rowan, looking at Lister.

  ‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I don’t think Jimmy wants us to be here any more.’

  He stands up from the bed and walks out of the room.

  Rowan watches him go, and then takes one last look at me, before standing up and following him.

  And as bad as it sounds, I feel relieved.

  While I’m glad I got a lot off my chest to Juliet, she’s still very annoyed that I don’t want to leave and go home with her.

  ‘We shouldn’t be here,’ she says, while we’re sitting in the kitchen listening to Rowan and Jimmy shout at each other. ‘It feels wrong.’

  I know what she means. It feels like two planets are about to collide.

  I find Jimmy in the lounge by himself. He glances up at me as I come in and sit down next to him. His eyes are a bit red.

  ‘Hey,’ I say.

  ‘Hey,’ he says.

  I feel like we can communicate without talking.

  ‘You still want to leave The Ark?’ I ask him.

  ‘Yeah. Erm, yeah. I think so.’

  I nod and look down. ‘Okay.’

  This is it, then.

  This is the end.

  I have helped to end the only thing I ever cared about.

  ‘Why do you like The Ark?’ he asks, looking up at me. His eyes are so big and brown. I know them so well, I know every part of him, the way his hair gets fluffed up at the side, the soft line of his jaw, the slight hunch of his shoulders. And yet, I don’t really know anything.

  ‘You are … the damn light of my life,’ I tell him. ‘When everything is bad, when I wake up and want to go back to sleep and never wake up, you’re there for me.’

  ‘I’m not,’ he whispers.

  ‘You are.’ I swallow nervously. ‘If you want it to end … I understand.’ I pat my chest. ‘But … I guess … you’re ending a part of me too.’

  ‘Part of you?’

  ‘Without you … without The Ark … all I have is my dull life. You’re one of the few things I had in my life that was good and true. You’re part of my truth.’

  He blinks. ‘You’re part of mine too.’

  ‘Am I?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  He looks up. I follow his gaze and find him staring at the wall of photographs, his childhood and his parents and his whole life.

  ‘Does this place still feel like home?’ I ask him.

  He nods. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘You must miss it a lot. And your grandad.’

  He nods
again. ‘Yeah.’ He looks at me. ‘My grandad gave me the knife for my sixteenth birthday. I know it’s stupid to carry it around, but it reminds me so much of home.’

  He reaches into his back pocket, only to make a vaguely panicked face, and withdraw his hand, empty.

  ‘Must still be in my jeans from yesterday,’ he mumbles.

  No wonder he wanted it back so desperately.

  ‘Is it an antique?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah, it was my great-grandad’s.’

  There’s a silence, and then he stands up abruptly from the sofa, his hand clenching and unclenching by his side.

  ‘I’m just … gonna go get it,’ he says.

  I watch him exit the room. I glance back at the photographs on the wall, then get up to have a look, peering at the sepia photographs to find one labelled ‘Angelo Ricci’. I finally lay eyes on a man with high cheekbones, dark doe eyes, and a lost expression.

  He looks just like Jimmy.

  The sound of Jimmy’s voice draws me out of the room. I wander into the hallway, only for Jimmy to storm past me, followed by Piero, shaking his head.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ says Jimmy. ‘You must have taken it out of my jeans pocket and put it somewhere.’ He halts by a radiator in the middle of the hallway, where the jeans he wore yesterday are drying. He pats them down, but his knife clearly isn’t there.

  Piero chuckles. ‘I haven’t seen it, lad! I know I’m old but my memory isn’t failing me that badly quite yet.’

  ‘Well, that’s the last place I had it. In my jeans. Which I took off last night and you put on the radiator this morning.’

  ‘Could you have dropped it outside somewhere?’

  ‘No, I had it last night! In my room! And it’s not there either!’

  Rowan steps into the hallway. He’s got a coat on, phone in one hand, and looks like he’s just about to leave.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he asks.

  Jimmy stuffs his jeans back onto the radiator. ‘It’s gone.’

  ‘What’s gone?’

  Jimmy doesn’t answer. He just walks back down the hallway and disappears into his bedroom.