All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4)

by Melyssa Winchester

  This time last year I was still locked inside my head, kind of the same way Isaac is. I was changing, but I still hadn’t gotten to the point I did after homecoming. Being able to sit outside now, my sensory issues and social anxiety still a concern, but not quite as big a one as when I got here weeks ago, it just proves how much I’ve grown.

  How much stronger I am.

  I’m still me. I have days where the struggles I go through are harder than others, but where I used to believe it made me defective, now I don’t see it that way at all. I’m so much more than my diagnosis and it took coming here and helping Isaac and spending every weekend with Kayden, surrounded by his own strength and periods of weakness for me to really see it.

  I’m not two different people. I’m one person who’s made stronger by the people I’ve surrounded myself with.

  Feeling a brush against my leg and looking down, I see the paper, Isaac’s hand attached and looking up, I smile.

  “Sorry.”

  He smiles back, tapping the paper with his finger before leaning back and stretching out on the grass again.

  You seem like you’re a million miles away. You missing Kayden?

  “Yeah, a little. It’s been a hard couple of days.”

  He reaches across and grabs the paper after I answer and scribbles across it before passing it back.

  Hard for him or for you?

  “Both.”

  Want to talk about it?

  His question is hard to answer. Everything that’s on my mind is about Kayden and telling Isaac private things about him doesn’t seem right. It’s not my story to tell even if I am involved in it.

  “He’s hurting and I don’t know how to help.”

  Wanna know what my dad always says to my mom when she feels that way about me?

  “Sure.”

  Just be there and love him.

  It’s such a simple answer and something I could have easily come up with on my own, but seeing it on the page forces me to acknowledge it. Isaac’s dad is right.

  The way Kayden was before he went back to Toronto, waking up and crying, I didn’t know what to do to help him. What to say or even what to do to let him know that he’s not alone.

  What I need to do though; what I’ve always tried to do, it’s right there on the page in front of me. I don’t need to have all the answers or solve this for him. All I need to do is love him and not wanting to waste another second, I pull my phone out and start typing, not stopping until I’ve done what I need to do.

  Hitting send and looking back up at the guy sitting across from me, I smile.

  “Thanks Isaac, I needed that.”

  Kayden

  Three days is as long as I can wait and it drove me bat shit crazy waiting that long. All I can hear on a continuous loop in my head is Dean’s voice as he tells me where she is.

  I go from one class to another, completely disconnected, not even able to tell you how I made it from point A to point B because my head is just not fixated on the actual movements my body is making. There’s a war waging inside of me and for three days, I couldn’t tell you which side was going to win.

  All I knew was that one minute I wanted to get behind the wheel of my car and drive straight to that motel to confront the woman and in the next, I wanted to put her out of my mind altogether.

  Dillon was able to tell from the minute I stepped back into our room that something wasn’t right with me. At first he pushed me to talk, thinking that it had something to do with Belle and wanting to know what it was so he could attempt to fix it.

  After forty-eight hours of random questions, ones meant to draw information out of me, I finally broke down and told him it had nothing to do with Belle and even showed him text messages between us to prove it. I could easily tell he wanted to push, but he backed off a lot after that.

  It’s only after waking up today and the effort it took getting out of bed harder than it’s ever been that I know what side won. Without giving it the real debate it deserved, I threw on some clothes, leaving the room and my sleeping best friend behind.

  I’ve been sitting here watching the place for a few hours now. There’s been a bunch of people going in and out of rooms, but none of them are the one I’m here to see.

  None of them are Daphne.

  I don’t know what I expected coming here, but it’s obvious that it’s more then I’m getting because the disappointment I feel is weighing heavily on me. It’s like I’m waking up all over again and my arms, legs and even my chest have these boulders on them preventing me from being able to move.

  Being here, it’s a mistake.

  It’s even worse than a mistake because when Belle texted me a few minutes ago, I told her I was awake and about to head to class. I flat out lied because I didn’t want her to know I was sitting in front of the motel my mom is staying in, going back and forth between my need to see her and confront her for everything she put me through.

  I want to protect her from this. Taking her with me to see Dean had to be the end of her involvement.

  I’m proving that I’m really no better than I was a year ago lying to her this way. The changes I’ve made are only on the surface and not all the way through. It’s New Kayden versus Old Kayden in a battle of wills. Another war inside me.

  So much has changed in a matter of days. I went from being on cloud nine even though the circumstances surrounding it weren’t the best, to feeling like I’ve been ripped away from that and thrown into some weird version of a nightmare that I can’t break free of.

  Despite being caught up in my thoughts, my eyes catch a flicker of movement as a door opens to one of the rooms and that’s when I catch it.

  A woman, backing her way out of the room and turning a key in the lock. A woman with long dirty blonde hair, the same color as mine and a body that even from this distance looks worn and way too thin.

  It could be anyone, but the way my heart rate increases, I know it’s not. The reason I booked it out of my room so early this morning and drove all the way here like a bat out of hell, she’s standing more than twenty feet away.

  It’s decision time.

  Do I get out of the car, catch up with her and confront her? Or do I just continue to sit here and watch her walk away again?

  Damnit. Being here, it’s not what I need. Willingly putting myself back in the past, rehashing all that old shit I thought I left dead and buried a few years after she bailed, it’s not the right thing.

  I’m the master of my own destruction.

  Dean’s figured out a way to do it to me again. Break me the same way he’s been doing for years. Sending me that stupid letter, telling me she was back in town and had been to see him. He can claim he was doing the right thing by me all he wants, but this was never right. I spent the last ten years believing she was just gone. I could have gone the rest of my life believing in that and I would have been fine.

  Now I’m sitting outside a rundown piece of shit motel, watching my mother walk toward a car I don’t recognize, lying to my girlfriend about being in class and creating a ball of angst so big I feel like I’m going to be smothered by it.

  I let him do it to me again.

  Watching her get into the driver’s side of the car, backing out before driving slowly away, the disappointment smacks straight into my chest. Even if being here isn’t the right thing, I’ve just given up my one shot to see her and get answers.

  Hearing my phone vibrate against the seat, finally dropping my gaze away, I pick it up seconds before it falls to the floor.

  One missed notification flashes on the screen and swiping across, the message window loads and the words on the screen, they do what I haven’t been able to do for myself since I got back to Toronto three days ago.

  Stop whatever you’re doing. Close your eyes, even if you think it’s weird. Take a deep breath. Treat the breath like it’s the last one you will ever have. Don’t open your eyes. Now focus on the air around you. Do you feel it? The breeze that just pa
ssed by you, it’s not just a breeze. It’s something more. My love for you, it’s like the wind. It’s everywhere you are, surrounding you, wrapping you up in it. What you’re feeling right now, it’s me, Kayden. You’re not alone because I’m there with you and I always will be.

  They break through the haze.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Belle

  After sending Kayden the text and walking Isaac to class, I decide to do something out of the ordinary.

  Normally when I have these breaks in my day, I follow along with the routine I set for myself, but something about today feels different.

  Maybe it’s what I was starting to realize about myself earlier that causes it, but for the first time in a long time, back at home is the last place I want to be.

  So stepping out of my preset comfort zone, I head for the Tim Horton’s directly across the street from the college.

  The first thing I notice when I walk through the door is the enhanced lighting and before my heart can pick up the way it always does when I’m hit with the brightness, I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. It’s not an exact science and a lot of times it doesn’t work, but if I’m determined to step away from the routine and try something new, it’s something I’ve got to do.

  When I feel my heart even out at the exact time the barista calls out to take my order, I step forward, feeling unusually strong for the first time in days and flash her a genuine smile before telling her what I want.

  As she busies herself making my tea, I take in the space around me. There are people sitting at practically every table in the place, all of their attention either placed on the people they’re with or on their various electronics, none of their eyes on me. As awkward as this is right now, being in a place this crowded, it surprises me just how little I’m reacting.

  It wasn’t all that long ago that standing here the way I am would have been impossible. One of those dreams that you one day hope to bring to life, but you’ve come to terms with never having happen. Yet it is happening and the fear I expect to experience, it’s just not there.

  I’m completely at peace.

  I don’t fear walking around corners the way I did in high school and I most definitely don’t worry about when my next accident is going to happen. As similar as I thought college was to the way things were for the last four years, they just aren’t.

  Sure, the people might be similar, the group of jerks in my creative writing class solid proof of that, but it didn’t mean everything else was. In fact, other than my new friendship with Isaac and my need to help him, everything is so very different.

  I’m different.

  I’ve been tackling so many things that normally would have caused me to completely meltdown in the past and somehow, each new one that I face, I seem to come out on top of. I’m doing exactly what I said I wanted to do last fall. I’m breaking away from the constant supervision, worry and concern of my mom and standing on my own two feet, despite being scared.

  Grabbing my tea from the counter where it now stands waiting for me, I see a lone table with two chairs in the far corner close to a door and immediately make a beeline for it. Just as I’m about to sit down and make myself comfortable, I hear a voice and it’s so familiar, I stop mid stride.

  “This is my lucky day.”

  Bryan.

  I want to look up and see if just like every other time I’ve been around him, he’s flanked by the other meatheads, but my head remains locked in place. My eyes level with the empty chair in front of me and the thought running through my head that I really wish there was someone else here to take it.

  The last thing I want to do is have those guys throwing themselves into my personal space and joining me. I want nothing to do with them.

  Breathe Belle. They’re just a bunch of jerks. You’ve handled worse. You got this.

  I repeat the pep talk in my head and after a few seconds as the dead air swirls around me, it finally seems to take hold as I lift my head and see that the way I expected things to be is not how it is at all.

  He’s alone.

  Knowing that he doesn’t have his friends with him should offer a small measure of comfort but it doesn’t. The way he’s smirking at me, I don’t like it. Even alone this guy has the ability to scare the heck out of me.

  Maybe coming here wasn’t such a great idea after all.

  No. I can’t think like that. Doing this was a good thing, a step I needed to take. I can’t let Bryan take that away from me. I just need to keep building on the strength that got me here.

  “I was just leaving.”

  “Doesn’t look that way. Looks to me like you were about to sit.”

  “I changed my mind.”

  This is the most I’ve ever spoken out of class and I’m wondering how long it’s going to last. I might seem strong and in control right now, but I’m petrified.

  “You know,” he says, completely disregarding what I’ve said and running off in a completely different direction. “I’ve tried figuring it out, but I can’t.”

  I don’t wanna know about what he’s tried figuring out about me. He knows nothing about me other than what he’s seen and odds are this is just another attempt at attacking Isaac. Picking on him for his differences.

  Taking a step forward, preparing to go around him in order to make a dash for the door, he steps in my path, blocking me in and that’s when my heart starts pumping faster, the blood rising up into my head; the panic settling in for an extended stay.

  No.

  I can’t let this happen. I’d been doing so good, making it all the way over here and taking steps out of my comfort zone. It can’t flip around on me now.

  Closing my eyes, accepting that I’m not going to be able to move around him anytime soon, I focus on the one thing I know can get me through this.

  Kayden.

  I need to be like him. The way he was in high school when he went against his friends and stood up for me, even knowing what it would end up costing him in the end.

  “Why do you hate me so much?”

  “I don’t hate anyone.” I answer robotically, my eyes darting in any direction but the one in front of me where this bully is standing.

  The feel of his eyes on me and what looks like a sneer on his face, I don’t wanna see it. Nothing about it feels right and I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing how he’s getting to me even with my attempts not to let him.

  “Then why did you flinch when I stepped over to stop you from leaving? I just want to talk to you a little longer.”

  He wants a whole lot more than that and even someone like me can see it. If all he wanted to do was talk, he would have asked me nicely to sit and chat with him for a while, not prevent me from leaving when it’s obviously what I want to do.

  “I don’t talk to bullies.”

  He laughs and the same uncomfortable feeling I had in the pit of my stomach seeing his smirk floods through stronger.

  “This is about that Crawford shit? God, you really do like the little mute, don’t you?” he asks before laughing again, like me being friends with Isaac is the funniest thing he’s heard in years. “I just think a girl that looks like you deserves to hang out with someone that can actually have a conversation with her. Appreciate the way you smell. Drown in the way you taste.”

  My body shivers and he steps forward until he’s standing dangerously close to my body. If I thought I was boxed in with no way out before, it’s worse now. I’m like a bird trapped in a cage.

  I think about opening my mouth and yelling, alerting the people around me to the real problem going on around them, but I can’t do it. Not because I can’t get the sound to come out, but because this time, I’m gonna handle this on my own even if it kills me.

  I’m gonna deal with this bully just the way Kayden taught me.

  The minute his hand comes down onto my skin, I jerk back and leveling my gaze straight on him, hardening myself in preparation of whatever it is that’s going to happen ne
xt. I open my mouth to speak and for the first time since going up against Dillon and the others last fall, there’s no fear, just the controlled sound of my voice as the words come.

  “If you don’t take a step back and let me pass, I’m not going to be responsible for what happens.”

  As expected, he laughs and stands even more firmly in place. He tightens his grip on my arm and sensing what he’s about to do now that he’s got the firmer grip, I yank back, pulling my arm clean away from him and move my body forward quickly, running it into his with as much force as I can in an effort to get past him.

  When it has no effect, I try again, but this time when my body makes contact with his, I lift my knee up and do exactly what I wanted to do so badly when I was pinned in the hallway last fall. I hit him right where it hurts.

  “I warned you.” I snap as he backs up grunting, my violation of his body now on full display for not only me, but the entire shop around me.

  Leaning his body against the counter where the workers putting together food orders are standing frozen in place, I move in even closer to him so he can hear what I’ve got to say, but the rest of the people will be oblivious to.

  “I’ve been dealing with jerks like you my entire life. You kept me silent for four years, but you’re not going to do it anymore. If you ever come near me or put your hands on Isaac again, I’ll make you pay and it won’t be by kicking you in your non-existent balls. Your asshole personality might work on the girls in class, but it doesn’t on me and it never will.”

  Backing up and taking one final look around the restaurant, seeing all of the eyes focused on me, it brings everything I’ve been pushing down right back up. Their eyes and confused looks, they’re exactly what I don’t want to see and the very thing that if I stay here a second longer will put me right back in the past.

  A place I’m determined to never be again.

  My last thought as I slam my way through the exit door, rushing across the drive-thru lane until I’m at least thirty feet away, isn’t one of fear the way I expect.