by Ava Danielle
“Broken up?” he sits on the bed next to me with listening ears.
“Yeah, broken up,” tears start to form, “before you ask, I broke up with him.”
He leans in to pull me into a hug, “It looks like it wasn’t an easy decision considering the tears,” he states the obvious.
“I found out he’s having a kid with another woman,” I wipe the tears.
“What? Who? Janine never mentioned it.”
“She probably had no idea. I found out by accident. I was going over to see him and saw the two kissing in the hallway. He claims they weren’t kissing, she kissed him, but who knows if that’s even true if he couldn’t bother telling me she was pregnant.”
“Do you know her?”
“No, someone he supposedly went to college with, I have no idea.”
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“I just wanted you to know, so later when we sit around, it won’t be awkward.”
“I understand. Will you feel up to it? We can cancel or reschedule and spend some time alone,” he offers.
“No, I have to be an adult about this. Apparently, you and Janine are pretty serious,” I shoulder bump him.
“We are,” he grins.
“I’m happy to see you happy, daddy,” I kiss his cheek.
“I’ve gone back to the doctor,” he worries me now.
“And?”
“I’m healthier than I have ever been,” he grins.
“Look at that, all it took was a pretty woman to fill your heart again,” I wink.
It doesn’t bother me Janine makes him happy. It doesn’t bother me Janine is the mother of my ex. None of it bothers me. Why? Because my father is happy. And for the past twenty years, that’s all I’ve ever asked for, for him to be happy. He just refused to love anyone but my mother. He felt he would be replacing her, but I never could imagine him doing so. It just took the right woman. And if Janine is the right woman, that makes me smile with glee, no matter the circumstances with her son.
“Can I play you a song now?” Knowing my father can never go without hearing me play when I come to visit.
“Of course, I’m all ears.”
“Would you mind if we went outside, the acoustics for this song are so much better outside,” I grab my violin as he follows me down the stairs and out to the back deck.
Lindsey Stirling has always been my muse, my inspiration, my will to be as strong as her. Playing the violin to any song she releases, I feel empowered, I feel like the world never exists around me. I fade away into the music. And my father can tell every time I play a song by her. And as I play away with my hips grooving to my own sound, I see the joy in his eyes as he never veers away from me.
“Love’s just a feeling,” I say the name of the song as I see my father play on his phone adding the song straight to his Spotify playlist.
“Love it!”
“I’m still practicing it, I’m sure you heard some of the hiccups.
“You practice some more and I’ll finish the salad I’m bringing for dinner later,” he kisses my cheek disappearing back into the house as I continue to play over and over.
Sad, I sit at the piano. Not playing the keys. No sound following. I just sit and stare at the keys before me. I don’t find the strength to play. I don’t find the will to play. I just sit and stare knowing it wasn’t too long ago I was sitting here with Melody playing together. The memory now haunts me knowing she’s next door and I’m here. We’re not together like we should be. And it’s all my fault.
Suddenly, I hear it. I hear the sound of the violin. Her violin. I can spot it from anywhere. The smooth sound when she plays, whether it be an upbeat song or sad. This song currently falling into the upbeat, yet sad category. It’s as if the lyrics are sad, but trying to fight through it. It’s something unfamiliar to me. Something to sexy. I imagine her playing with her hips sway as they so often do when she plays. I can see her closed eyes as she moves her bow. She instantly diminishes when she plays. Wandering into a land far away and ignoring everything around her. She’s a true musician.
As I listen to her play, my fingers slowly tap each key. There’s no music being played, I’m just hitting the keys quietly. But with each sound coming from Melody, I find my way playing along. I have no idea what she’s playing, but it doesn’t matter because she leads me the way. It’s as if we’re slow dancing and I’m letting her lead. It’s a wonderful sound we’re creating. Hitting my keys louder and harder, I know she can hear me. It wasn’t too long ago it felt like our music was making love. However, my attempts falling flat as she shifts sounds, totally catching me off guard.
“That was beautiful,” my mom motions for my help in the kitchen.
“Doesn’t really matter, she changed songs and what I’d played to go along with her got wrecked,” I say with such an undertone.
Sitting outside with the cool air from the fall breeze hitting us, I start a fire watching Melody and her father join us. Dying inside from not being able to kiss and hug her, I smile and greet her, “hey.”
She returns a small smile, “hey.”
I can tell by the way she walks past me, she is being friendly, but not too friendly and I question myself how I’m going to make it through this one evening. Our parents embrace in hugs, kisses, and can’t keep their hands off each other. And once my mother notices my eyes on her, she releases from Grant and winks at me, knowing my struggles. They whisper amongst each other and I’ve never felt lonelier.
Though I saw it coming, it still hurts. The pain is still there no matter how hard I try to cover it up. Love: such a small word with such power. I still love him so hard. I want to be with him, but his responsibilities are not my own. I’m not willing to simplify my life to fight with his. I’m more than that.
Heartbreak isn’t beautiful. It isn’t fucking poetry. It’s feeling okay for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden, you feel the ghost of their lips on your neck and their nails on your back and then you’re chocking on memories of their presence. It’s waking up from dreams of them. Every night. It’s staring into their eyes sitting across from you when you can’t look away, but so wanting to look away. It’s breaking more and more, each day a piece of your relationship fading into existence.
And while everyone around us is subdued into conversation, I’m not nearly into it as they are. Elliot is trying to be part of it, but I can see the struggle in his eyes. Tempted to say something, anything, I’m interrupted by someone crashing our beautiful family dinner.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Elliot’s voice is filled with anger.
“Excuse me?” she says smiling, it’s as if she expected no other reaction than the one she received.
“Is that?” I whisper, clearly louder than I had thought.
“Samantha, yeah. Follow me,” he grabs her and I watch the two walk away in secrecy.
But before they had a chance to go far, Janine had stopped them, “Oh, so you’re Samantha,” she braves to say.
“Yes, hi future Grandma, I’m sure Elliot has told you he has a baby on the way,” she rubs her belly with such delight.
“I’m not sure about that,” she mentions, confusion crossing my face as I watch this altercation.
“Of course, you would think that, you’re on your son’s side, and can’t imagine him knocking a girl up because you’ve taught him better,” I’ve never seen Janine so fire red.
“Young lady,” my father instills fear, well let’s say tries with this girl, but she’s cold stone.
“I’m not sure what any of this is your concern,” Samantha laughs.
“Samantha! Now!” Elliot grabs her by the hand and drags her away.
“Ouch, baby, you’re hurting me,” she whines.
“Don’t baby me. We’re not a couple. You mean nothing to me. Get the hell out of my life. I don’t know how you found this address and honestly, I don’t give a shit. You need to leave, now.”
“Your GPS of course, duh Elliot.” I
’ve met some awful people in my life, but this girl tops that list by a long shot. “Besides, you can’t get rid of me and our baby that fast. You’ll have lots of child support and you’ll want to see this baby as often as you can, don’t you?” I watch them walk away.
Slightly amused, but also broken by this torn relationship, I excuse myself and walk away. There’s a park nearby I find some solace. On the swings, at the playground I played as a young girl, I stare up at the stars and feel the sprinkles of rain falling from the dark skies above. Swinging back and forth, with each swing the rain picks up. I’m not even bothered by the fact there’s lightning far in the distance. I continue to swing thinking only of Elliot wondering how I got here. I feel alone, even when I’m surrounded by many people.
“Hey,” a silhouette with an umbrella appears as I swing in the darkness under the pouring rain.
“Hey Elliot,” never stopping.
“Are you having fun?”
“I guess,” I slow down my speed as he leans against the swing post.
“Do you think we could talk?” he slowly approaches the empty swing next to me.”
“Sure,” because honestly, I don’t see why not, I owe him at least that.
Silence fills us for a moment as he holds the umbrella over my head getting close to me on his swing, “I never intended on this,” he drags the words.
“I figured.”
“That night, when I cooked and asked you to come over, I was going to tell you everything about Samantha. I don’t love her like I love you, Melody,” his words just fall out of his mouth, but I find no words in response. “I don’t think I ever loved her. I didn’t know she was pregnant when I broke things off with her, I didn’t know she was in town, I didn’t know she claims I’m the father. I caught her cheating on me, so my doubts of this child being mine are high. I don’t know if I want to believe it’s not my child or wondering why I don’t feel any connection to the child. I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I’m not ready to be a father, so I know for sure you’d never want to take on the responsibility of being with someone that has a child. I understand Melody, I just wish we had the chance to talk it over before it was too late,” I hear the sigh in his voice.
“I do, too,” are the only words I manage to release from my lips.
We continue to swing in silence when I finally gathered the courage to talk.
“Elliot,” I whisper.
“Yes, Melody?”
“You’ll always have a part of my heart, and I’m sure we’re going to see each other in the future since our parents seem to be getting along very well.”
“Uh huh,” I hear the hope in his voice.
“But I think it’s best if we just move forward concentrating on our careers and remain maybe friends?”
“Friends? I don’t know if I can do that,” the sadness is clear.
“I’m sorry, Elliot, but that’s all I can give right now.” I know he’s hurt. So am I. But there’s no future for us. We’re two musicians trying to follow our dreams and passions, and a broken relationship to concentrate on will only hinder us in the future. I can’t bear thinking I might have cost him a career and I’m not willing to give up on mine. “I just think it’s better that way.”
“Yeah,” he agrees, probably not willingly, but I’m sure to shut me up.
“We’re getting soaked, I think it’s best we walk back,” he helps me off the swing never taking the umbrella from me.
Walking side by side, sharing the cover of an umbrella, his body so close to mine, it costs so much strength not to let myself go and fall into him. To have him be the man by my side that I hoped he’d always be. It’s in my hands. All I would have to say is, I love you, forgive me, take me back, but I can’t, knowing what damage it just might cause. We were grown-ups about this break up and that alone makes me feel a little better. I’ll never truly get over him, but it’s best this way.
The hardest part about this break up – seeing her perfectly fine without me. Living her life, never once looking back. My mom tells me the scoop just because every time I call her, I need to know about Melody. I should probably stop for my own sanity, but I still love her way too much to not know her every move. Very rarely do I see her in the halls of our apartment building. I get the feeling she sits by the peephole day in day out just to see when I leave or come. I know it sounds stupid and beyond petty, but why else do we never run into each other?
It’s nearly Thanksgiving, Melody and I hadn’t seen each other in two months and with each day, I feel it getting harder being without her. I should be moving on, but I can’t. The paternity test came back negative and my heart sank to the ground with relief. I no longer fear being a father to a child whose mother I despise. I can move on in my life and hopefully put her behind, but that’s easier said than done when Samantha continues to show up at my apartment. She refuses to let go, her sob story about who the baby daddy actually is, not realizing none of this even concerns me. I have no feelings whatsoever for this woman, I don’t think I ever did.
On the plus side, the Symphony has thankfully taking every minute of time distracting me from any kind of love story I could be part of. My only love story continues to be music. The piano fills me with such solace, even fades the pain from missing Melody.
“Hey man, we’re going out tomorrow night,” my friend Ethan tries to convince me as we clean up our instruments.
“Yeah, I don’t know about that, I think I’m going to practice some on our set.
“Fuck that shit, we need a little to wind down, we’ve been going hard for weeks now. I think we’re ready.”
“You may be the way you blow into the trumpet.”
“I wish I could blow as good as my girlfriend,” he laughs.
“TMI man, I don’t need to know that shit,” I roll my eyes.
“I ain’t kidding man, we’re going out tomorrow, La Esquina, I already have a table reserved for us.”
“Aren’t you sweet? What do I wear to this date? A dress?”
“Nah man, you can just wear a pair of jeans, that’ll do, I don’t need to see your hooha,” he laughs.
Wearing my favorite pair of jeans and a nice polo shirt, I lock my apartment door ready to head out to hang with Ethan for a while. At the same moment Melody leaves her apartment in a sexy white Scandinavian sweater, a pair of jeans and boots. Here beautiful curls bouncing off her shoulder – I take her beauty in as I stare at her like a lost puppy prying for attention. She’s stunning. And when a smile crosses her face I nearly melt away.
“Hey,” she smiles and greets me.
“Hey,” I return the smile and that’s it.
We share a “hey” and each go our separate ways. This is exactly the reason I can’t go on, when we do exchange words, it hurts.
Isabelle begged and begged for me to go out and it took a lot of insisting on her part. I gave up denying her and finally gave in and promised her a night out. Since the bar dilemma I’ve had a hard time trusting myself anywhere there’s a possibility of alcohol and guys. I have no interest in boys, drinking, or thinking of anything but what’s in store for me.
I got the phone call of a lifetime this morning, it being the only reason I finally decided to go out with Isabelle. Full of energy and a smile on my face I leave my apartment, not once checking my peephole and making sure the coast is clear. I don’t even care if I run into Elliot, and as soon as that thought crosses my mind, he’s right before me. A simple “hey” and I continue on my way.
“I can’t believe it,” Isabelle bounces next to me in the taxi full of excitement
Meanwhile, I’m staring out the window wishing I’d said more than hey to Elliot. He stood there so fucking sexy in his jeans and polo shirt, I was jealous of the girl that gets to go out with him every night dressed in jeans showing off his junk. So, I looked, sue me. He’s still on my mind.
“Earth to Melody, are you here?” I finally realize Isabelle is running her mouth.
“Sorry, I
was in thought,” I admit.
“So, when do you leave?”
“Next week,” I remember the phone call I had received this morning.
“I’m so jealous, I wish I could go with you,” she whines and I so wish she could go as well, I’m nervous just thinking about it, “Robert Mendoza is so dreamy,” she bats her eyes and puts on the most dramatic fake faint.
“I know, I still can’t believe I get to meet him, in Los Angeles of all places.”
The fall leaves of autumn spread across the sidewalks of New York City. The empire state building is lit up; the bright city lights and passing cars make me realize this will always be my city. It’s wild and crazy, but one city that counts on each other and helps anyone in need. It will always be home, regardless. However, I am looking forward to Los Angeles, the heat, the bright happy people – I assume they’re bright happy people – and the beach, most definitely the beach. I’ve never left New York City, maybe a trip to Florida once when my father had a movie shoot, but most of the time, I stayed home with Rosa. I always enjoyed the comfort of my home.
Arriving at La Esquina, a bar and grill in the city, I’m ready to celebrate my work in progress with Robert Mendoza – look him up, he’s one passionate violin playing.
“So, don’t get mad, but we’re meeting with Ethan,” Isabelle has a grip on my hand as she leads me to a table.
“What the fuck Isabelle? I thought we were going to eat alone?” I admit, I’m a little upset.
“Ethan mentioned bringing a friend that needed to get out and mingle, he’s been through a bad breakup, and I know you haven’t had the easiest few months, so I thought this would be a good time,” she explains.
“But today we’re supposed to celebrate my success,” I huff.
“Exactly, perfect time for you to get to know some people, you’ll be in a good mood,” she teases.
“Fuck my life,” I sigh and roll my eyes.
