Loving Mercy

by Dena Christy

  “Mercy? Are you okay?” He came closer and he could see by her eyes that she’d been crying.

  “Far from it.” And she gave a dull laugh. “But then that’s the story of my life, isn't it?”

  His eyebrows drew together as he sat down on the end of the bed and put his hand on her leg. She pulled it away and moved to sit up, and his hand fell away. She wiped her hand over her cheeks but she wouldn’t look at him.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’ve had an epiphany. This is the best place for me.” She turned her face to look at him and his stomach dropped to his toes. The wall that he was sure he’d destroyed in the weeks since she’d come to his home, was there in her eyes.

  He had an epiphany at that moment too. The ring sitting in his dresser drawer would never be on her finger.

  No. This would not happen.

  “Do you want to tell me what happened? Do you think you could let me know what led you to this epiphany of yours?” He did his best to keep his voice neutral, despite the voice in his head that screamed that this was not happening.

  “Dwight was here. He didn’t know I was home, and he tried to break into the house.” There was no inflection in her voice as if she was saying something mundane.

  “What? Did he hurt you?” He reached out and gripped her arms. There was nothing in her eyes and he wanted to shake her, to get her to react, even if it was in anger. At least that would be something. Her completely shutting down like this scared him.

  “He was only using me. He tried to give me a song and dance about needing a place to stay until he could get some money together. He said that he thought I’d never notice he was here.” She laughed and there was an edge to it that made the knot in Alex’s stomach get tighter. “I’m such an idiot. I thought he was sorry, that he wanted to get to know me.”

  Her voice cracked a little, and he moved closer, tried to slip his arms around her, to offer her comfort somehow. She put her hands between them and pushed against him, not hard but enough to give him the message that she didn’t want to be held.

  “I’m sorry he hurt you. Why don’t we go back home? We’ll talk more about it there.” He knew with a certainty that he couldn’t explain that he needed to get her out of this house. That if he talked her into leaving and going to his home that maybe they might have a chance. That somehow she could break out of the prison she was building around herself.

  There was incredible sadness in her eyes when she looked at him. He shook his head, trying to deny what she was about to say.

  “I am home.”

  “Why?” Finally, his patience was slipping away and his temper was getting the better of him. “Why are you doing this? We have something together, and it’s good. Why are you throwing it away?”

  “It wouldn’t last.” There was pity in her eyes when she looked at him as if she knew something he was too blind to see. “A one-night stand is not something you can build a relationship on. I’m just doing now what would happen eventually. At least this way we can salvage some goodwill for the sake of the baby. If we waited, you know that it wouldn’t work.”

  He stood up and paced the bedroom. “I know no such thing. You’re hurting I get that. Dwight using you has sent you into a tailspin, but that’s no reason to give up on us.”

  “And when would be a good time to give up on us? When we’ve been together for a while, and you discover that your parents won’t accept me? How long do you think it would take for you to resent me for taking you away from your family?”

  “You don’t know what will happen.” He was certain that all his parents needed was time to get used to her. In the spring, once they met her this would be a non-issue.

  But all she did was shake her head, and he wanted to yell at her to stop being so stubborn. And he realized that if he took her back to his home, he would spend the rest of his time with her waiting to wake up one morning to find her gone. Her father and his parents were only excuses, ones she was grasping at to push him away.

  If all she could see in their future was them not being together, he had the answer to a question that had been in his head from the moment that he realized he loved her. And his heart felt like it was shattering in his chest when he concluded that she didn’t love him in return. At least not enough to fight for them.

  All he could do was make sure that he was a part of his child’s life. It would be painful for him to be around her, but there was no way he was walking away from his baby too.

  “What about the baby? I meant what I said when you told me you were pregnant. I will be a part of my child’s life.” And God help her if she thought she was going to keep his child away from him.

  She sighed as she looked up at him. “I told you, I want you to be a part of this baby’s life. I meant it then and I mean it now. The baby will know you, I promise.”

  He nodded and although he wanted to scream his denial at her, that it couldn’t be ending this way, he knew that whatever he said would fall on deaf ears. She was running from him, and even if he convinced her this time to give them a chance, he would spend his time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  And what he wanted most was a woman who wanted to be with him through good times and bad. He’d thought that woman would be Mercy, but until she worked through whatever baggage she’d been carrying around with her her whole life, she would never be that woman.

  “I guess there isn’t anything else to say.”

  Her face paled for a second, and hope went through him that she would come to her senses, that she would tell him that she’d been wrong to push him away. But all she did was push her lips together and nod her head.

  She reached in the pocket of her jeans and pulled out the spare key to his house. She held it out to him and for a second he didn’t want to take it. He wanted to leave it with her in case she changed her mind. But he would not make a fool of himself by refusing it.

  He took the key from her, and the metal burned cold in his hand. He wished some of that coldness would transfer to his heart so he wouldn’t have to feel the pain lancing through it as he shoved the key in his pocket.

  “I’ll send your stuff over with Honor. If you need anything for the baby, let me know.” She nodded her head and looked away. “Goodbye, Mercy.”

  He turned on his heel, left her sitting on the bed without a backward glance. Like a robot, he moved down the stairs, out the front door, and into his truck. He went home on autopilot as numbness flooded his body. He remembered nothing of his trip home as he pulled up into his driveway. All the way up the steps and into the vestibule he felt nothing.

  It wasn’t until he walked into the living room and saw that fucking Christmas tree, which had held such hope and promise only a few hours before that something snapped inside him. He sank down on his knees, his bones hitting the floor with a thud as an anguished howl ripped itself from his body.

  15

  The numbness wore off the next day, and Mercy spent most of her time moving around her house with a restless energy that made her pace up and down the stairs as she searched for something to block out the regret that wanted to creep up inside her.

  Each time she thought that maybe she’d made a mistake in letting Alex go, that tiny voice inside her that wanted to keep her safe told her that she’d made the right decision. It was only a matter of time before it ended, and at least now she’d done it before the baby came. It would be so much worse for a child to see their family ripped apart. At least this way, the baby would never know what it was like to have its mother and father living together. Living with mom and going to visit dad and staying with him would be normal for this child. And a lot less messy.

  She walked down the hall toward the kitchen to make a cup of tea and let out a yelp when she stubbed her foot on the box of Christmas decorations that was still sitting in the hall. She hadn’t gotten around to putting them back.

  When she looked at the box, she got a flash through her mind of how happy she’d and Alex had been
going to get that Christmas tree. There had been so much hope inside her for the future when they were out in the lightly falling snow that it was almost hard to believe now.

  Had she made a mistake?

  No.

  The voice in her head was ruthless, and she shoved aside the box with her foot just as surely as she shoved aside the notion that she’d made a mistake. This was the best thing for both of them.

  Alex would find someone more worthy of him, someone his mother could approve of. And if it hurt her to see it, at least she had the comfort of having his baby with her.

  She went to the kitchen and put on the kettle. She stared at it as she waited for it to boil when the doorbell rang. She gave a startled cry and then laughed at how intently she’d been looking at the kettle as if it held all the answers in the universe.

  It was probably Honor with her stuff from Alex’s. He’d said he would send her over with it, and he’d always been a man of his word. She didn’t really care about the clothes she’d taken and could have waited for those, but her laptop was another matter.

  Her one comfort and consolation when dealing with her mother’s illness and death had been her work. She would get through this break up with Alex the same way. By burying herself in her work until the pain dissipated and she could think about him without regret moving through her.

  She went to the front door and opened it. She drew back in surprise when she saw it was Rafe, not Honor, who was standing on her front step. He held a suitcase in each hand and her laptop bag slung over his shoulder.

  “Come on in.” She stood aside, and he walked in the house and set her suitcases on the floor and carefully set her laptop case beside them. “I thought Honor would bring this stuff over.”

  The wind blew in the still open door and when he made no move toward it she closed it behind her.

  “She would have but she got called into the bar. They’ve suddenly found themselves short staffed.”

  “Did something happen to Alex?” Her heart thudded heavily at the thought that something might be wrong with him. She may not be with him anymore, but it didn’t mean that she wanted anything to happen to him.

  There was a speculative look on Rafe’s face when he looked at her.

  “No. Alex is at the bar, but apparently, Dwight has bailed on the job. Logan is pretty pissed about giving him a chance and having him split town with no notice.”

  So Dwight had left town? She tried to summon up some kind of feeling, but there was nothing. He might have been a stranger for all the news that he’d left affected her. He was a stranger, one who had the same last name as her. Any emotion he had conjured up inside her yesterday had gone in the wake of things ending with Alex and paled in comparison.

  “Good riddance.” The kettle whistled, and she looked toward the kitchen. “I was just about to make some tea. Since you’re here, do you want a cup?”

  He hesitated for a second, and she thought for a moment that he was going to leave. She wouldn’t do anything to stop him, but she hoped that he would stay, just for a little while. The house seemed more empty than it had in years, and some company would keep the loneliness that wanted to creep inside her at bay.

  “Sure. I’ll just go sit in the living room and get out of your hair.”

  He turned and walked into the living room while she headed for the kitchen. She made the tea and while it steeped she took two cups down from the cupboard. She had a tea tray somewhere, and by the time she found it the tea was ready. She put the pot, the cups and a tiny pitcher of milk and a bowl of sugar on the tray and took it to the living room.

  “You didn’t have to get all fancy.” Rafe smiled at her as she set the tray on the coffee table in front of the couch.

  “I didn’t ask you how you liked your tea so I thought it best just to bring everything.” She poured the tea into the two mugs and he poured some milk in his and picked it up. Once hers was prepared, she cradled her mug in her hand and looked at him. She might have wanted the company, but she had no idea what she was going to talk to him about.

  “So, do I need to kick his ass?” Rafe took a sip of his tea and looked at her.

  “Dwight? If you can find him, feel free.” She took a sip of her tea and he shook his head.

  “Not talking about Dwight. I’m talking about Alex.” He leaned forward and set his mug on the table and gave her a serious look.

  “Why would you want to kick Alex’s ass? He has done nothing to deserve that.” And frankly, there’d been enough pain in his eyes yesterday when he’d realized that it was over that she didn’t want anymore inflicted on him, even if he had deserved it, which he hadn’t.

  “So why aren’t you with him then? He must have made you break up with him somehow.”

  “He didn’t do anything. Alex is a wonderful man, and I want him to have a wonderful future. But he can’t have that future with me.” And it hurt to even say it out loud. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Perhaps it hadn’t been such a good idea to have company today. She should have known that Rafe would want to ask questions about what happened. Honor would insist he do it since she couldn’t be here herself.

  “It’s easier to push someone away than to face the fear that loving them makes you feel, isn’t it?”

  She looked at him sharply after his quietly spoken words, but there was no judgment in his eyes. She turned her face away from him. She wished he would finish his tea and leave.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She reached for her mug and took a sip but the tea tasted bitter on her tongue. She got up and took the mug to the kitchen and poured it down the sink.

  There were footsteps behind her but she wouldn’t turn around and look at him. It was rude, but if she ignored him, he would get the hint and go away.

  “I think you know what I’m talking about. I didn’t come here to lecture you, or make you feel bad about what happened between you and Alex. I wanted to find out if he’d hurt you, which you say he hasn’t.”

  She turned to look at him. “Alex would do nothing to hurt me.”

  She’d been the one to do all the hurting.

  “When I finally figured out that I was in love with Honor, I pushed her away. I thought it was only a matter of time before she left me, so I was the one who did the leaving first. It was easier to hurt her then it was to face the fear I had inside that she would wake up someday and realize that I wasn’t someone she could love.”

  Mercy swallowed hard and turned her gaze to the wall beside him. It was different for him. Honor loved him, had had a crush on him since she was a teenager. It wasn’t the same thing as what happened with her and Alex.

  “It’s not the same. His parents don’t approve and I can’t be responsible for him not having his family around him.” It was a weak excuse, and she knew it.

  But she couldn’t tell him the real reason that she’d let Alex go. No one, not even Honor, knew how she felt like there was something broken inside her that made it impossible to love her. And the thought made the first tear roll down her cheek.

  “I didn’t come here to make you feel bad.” He took a step toward her and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. “You were with Honor that night, you were both a target of Barrett and Nathan because I was too scared to see what was right in front of my face. It was Alex who helped me see what was clear to him, that Honor loved me and I was being a fool. He’s a good man, Mercy.”

  “I know. But it’s not the same.” Another tear fell, and she didn’t bother to wipe it away. She just stood there, not looking at him and hoping that he would leave so she could fall apart alone and in peace.

  “Okay.” His voice was soft as his hand fell away. “I'll go. I'll just say one thing before I do. I don’t know what it’s like to live in your skin, and I don’t know what happens when you and Alex are behind closed doors. If being with him is not the right thing for you, then no one has any business telling you otherwise. All I am saying is to make sure that you ended
it for the right reasons, and not because it was easier than being afraid.”

  Faster and faster the tears fell as she looked down at the floor. She heard his footsteps move away and as soon as the front door shut behind him she wrapped her arms around her middle and leaned back against the counter as the first sob escaped her.

  “You can head home. I’ll lock up.”

  Alex looked up as Logan came around the bar. It had been a busy night considering it was a Tuesday, and that had suited him just fine. The more things he had to do the less time he had to spend thinking about Mercy. And fortunately, it had been too busy for Honor to want to talk about what had happened between them.

  But now the bar was quiet, and he and Logan were the only ones left. The bar closed at ten in the winter on Tuesdays and now Alex had to face the prospect of going to his empty home and sleeping in his empty bed. Last night it had felt like a wide open field and he didn’t think tonight would be any different.

  “I’ll lock up. I usually do.” Normally he would have been amiable to going home when Logan offered to lock up, but not tonight. He’d stay here and do what he was supposed to. He’d jump at anything to delay going home.

  Logan frowned at him. “I would think that you would want to go home to your woman, especially now that her father has left town. Isn’t she upset about that?”

  Logan didn’t know that he and Mercy weren’t together anymore. The only people who knew were him, Mercy, Honor, and he assumed Rafe. The small town grapevine didn’t work until someone talked and apparently no one who knew was saying anything.

  It was the last thing that he wanted to talk about, but he would not pretend that he and Mercy were still playing house. It was going to come to light eventually, so he might as well tell Logan and get it over with.

  “I have no idea if she’s upset over her father leaving. We’re not together anymore.” Alex sprayed cleaner on the top of the bar and wiped it down. He focused on the task like it was the most important thing in the world.