Mom shifts her gaze to meet mine. “I won’t tell you.”
That’s all the attention I get before her focus is back on Reilly. “Let’s go walk in the grass.”
She leads Reilly and Beast to the door before looking over her shoulder at me. “You too, Trip.”
The cabin we’re staying in is one of the closer ones to the house so I don’t argue. If it was further away, I may have checked with Reilly first to make sure she was up to it.
Before the shooting, her endurance was off the charts. Now she’s constantly tired.
With her arm linked through my mom’s, Reilly walks, Beast’s leash still in her other hand, ahead of me.
Sadie is waiting for us in the patch of grass, her shoes already off and set on the pebble path. She welcomes both Reilly and Beast before moving to hug me.
“Did you have any issues on the drive up?” she asks discretely once there’s some space between us and Reilly and my mom.
I shake my head.
She nods, and looks reflectively at Reilly. “She’s showing more than the last time we saw you.”
I nod and add, “Don’t tell her that. There’s a fifty-fifty chance she’d assume you’re calling her fat.
She cringes, and then says, “Mums the word.”
My mom takes over Beast’s leash as Reilly slips off her shoes.
“Any ideas of what Mom has planned?” I ask, as I remove mine.
There’s a gleam in Sadie’s eyes when she replies, “She’s pulling out all the stops.”
Knowing my mother, that could be very good or very very bad. “Just promise me one of those stops is not a séance.”
She laughs outright. “Silly boy.”
“I’ve been called worse things,” I mutter.
“You didn’t grocery shop on the way up?” she asks, changing the subject.
I shake my head as my gaze moves back to Reilly. Her expression is leery, and it’s not helping that I can’t hear what my mom is saying to her.
“You’ll eat with us tonight and shop tomorrow,” she replies.
My agreement is assumed so arguing is futile. Our group joins theirs.
“What’s for dinner?” I ask.
The old Reilly would have laughed or teased me for being brazen. This Reilly studies her bare feet.
My mom rattles off the name of some Indian dish I’ve had before and liked.
“Sound good?” I ask Reilly.
She shrugs.
Beast eats before we sit down and once we do, curls up on the floor behind Reilly’s chair.
“He sure is devoted, isn’t he?” Sadie remarks.
Reilly looks over her shoulder and he lifts his head. “He’s a good boy.”
Her eyes are wet when she faces forward again. My mom and Sadie share a sympathetic glance.
Reilly is quiet even after their attempts to pull her into dinner conversation.
It’s not until we’re walking with Beast back to the cabin that she opens up. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for?” I ask, my arm around her shoulders.
She shakes her head, her hand tightly gripping Beast’s leash. “I was rude.”
“They understand,” I murmur, pressing my lips to her temple.
She stares ahead, blinking. Bringing her here, dragging her from the fortress she built around herself seems cruel now. I couldn’t think of what else to do or where else to take her.
What she experienced, what she survived, is the stuff of nightmares. I want to give her sweet dreams. I want to erase the guilt and fear that now shroud her.
Once we’re at the cabin Reilly puts out fresh water for Beast. Then, with her back to me, she changes for bed. I look away, ashamed for desiring her still.
I miss the intimacy we shared. Her world fell apart. She’s hanging on by a thread, and I’m thinking with my dick.
I still want her. I just don’t want to push her away. She craves comfort and companionship but not from me, from his dog. Their bond since he passed is beautiful. I shouldn’t be jealous. I miss her though. I miss her needing and wanting me.
I strip off my clothes but leave my boxers on and join her in bed. Our bed at home is a king-size, whereas this one is only a double. Because we won’t all comfortably fit, Beast settles down on the rug on her side of the bed.
She surprises me by curling in close to me. Instinctively, my arms circle her. She’s wearing a tank top and shorts. It seems like it’s been weeks since I’ve felt her bare skin against mine.
“You doing okay?” I whisper into her hair.
She doesn’t answer, only snuggles closer before tilting her head back to look at me.
I cup her cheek, still as ever taken by her.
In slow motion, to give her time to pull away, I lower my lips to hers.
She doesn’t pull away, but she doesn’t kiss me back either. I lift my head and brush my thumb across her cheek.
Then, I take her mouth again this time hoping that she’ll reciprocate. Tentatively, she does, parting her lips for me. My tongue slides in, and I’m intoxicated by her taste.
It’s been so long. My hands roam, one down her back, one up the back of her neck. She does not pull away.
God, how I want her. Turning onto my back, I pull her over me. She hesitates but still allows me to lead her until she covers me.
I keep kissing her. I never want to stop. We hit trouble when my body reacts to hers. When I harden beneath her. That’s when she pulls away from me.
Too late I try to move her so that she won’t feel the effect she has on me. Why she’s surprised she still turns me on I’ll never understand.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur, trying to hold on to her.
She still slips from my grasp and moves to the other side of the bed. “I can’t.”
“We don’t have to,” I instantly reply. “Please. I only want to hold you and kiss you.”
She shakes her head, tendrils of her chestnut hair falling free from her hair tie.
“I can’t,” she repeats.
I press my fists to my eyes and attempt to rub my frustration away before shoving my fingers into my hair.
“I’m sorry,” she says for what seems like the hundredth time.
“No,” I breathe. “I was rushing you. It’s my fault. Please don’t apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry.”
At my words, she leans close enough to press her forehead to my bicep. My arms itch to hold her. I’m doing everything I can to not push her away. She’s struggling with things that are beyond me. I don’t know what to do or say to help her move forward.
Coming here seems to have already helped, as long as I don’t screw it up by moving too fast. We’ve kissed, near on made out, and it wasn’t until she felt how turned on I was that she stopped things. I’m an idiot for moving that fast.
Reaching out, I cover her hand with mine and squeeze it. “Let’s try and get some sleep.”
Her head lifts. “You aren’t upset with me?”
I shake my head and press my lips to her forehead. “No way.” Then I ask, “You aren’t upset with me?”
She shakes her head. “You’ve been so wonderful, taking care of me.” Her hand moves to rest on her stomach. “Taking care of us.”
“I love you, Reilly,” I reply.
Her mouth tightens as she nods, her eyes big and wet. She then drops her head again, her forehead coming back to rest against me, her arms moving around my middle.
Her voice is thick when she finally says, “I love you too.”
Whatever ground I was scared I had lost, I’ve seemed to recover. We ease down onto our backs. Reilly reaches over the side of the bed to scratch Beast’s head before settling against my side, my chest her pillow.
With more hope than I’ve felt in weeks, I drift to sleep. What feels like only minutes later, I wake to the incessant buzzing of my cell on the nightstand.
Reilly comes up onto one elbow and watches as I reach for it.
“It’s Walt,�
�� I murmur the moment my eyes hit the display. My thumb slides across the screen. “Walt?”
“Man, I hate to do this to you,” he says in response.
He went away in the middle of the night. He wanted me to come with him but I sent him off without me. Something urgent came up with a case he and Walt had been working. As much as he wanted me to go with him, I couldn’t.
For the first time in weeks, I haven’t been haunted by memories of Gavin.
Before he was killed, I told him about this place. Trip’s mom and her partner were, and still are, so wonderfully different from anyone in Ferncliff. So, while knowing this place existed, I never had an opportunity to bring him here.
In Ferncliff, I’m reminded of him everywhere. Here, less so. Instead of constantly thinking of him and replaying his last moments over and over in my mind, I have blessed bits of nothing.
Trip kissed me. Not the pitying kisses to my cheek or forehead but an actual toe-curling desire building deep in my core kiss. It was beautiful, until it wasn’t.
I had missed him, the weight of him on top of me, and how solid he is under me when I ride him. When I felt him harden beneath me, I panicked; it had been so long.
I wasn’t ready, but now he’s gone. What if he’s growing tired of dealing with my issues?
“You’ll always love me, won’t you?” I ask Beast, scratching behind his ears.
He licks my cheek, which I take as a yes.
“Are you ready to go get some breakfast?” I say, standing and taking his leash.
Trip was going to grocery shop for our cabin today. Since he had to leave so unexpectedly, I have no food. We were already planning to have breakfast with his mom and Sadie. I’ll need to figure out something else for the rest of the time I’m here. It wouldn’t be right to expect them to cook for me.
Beast tugs on the leash the moment we’re out the door. While I wait for him to do his business, I regret not putting on a light jacket. It’s cooler up here than it is in Ferncliff.
Trip was thoughtful enough to pack a bunch of options for me. My eyes move away from the path as I kick myself again for pushing him away. What is wrong with me?
“Good morning, ma belle,” Meg calls, startling me.
“I didn’t mean to scare you, hon,” she murmurs coming to hug me. “Ready for breakfast?”
I nod and since Beast is thankfully done, we walk with her to the main cabin.
“I have a friend joining us. Her name is Helena. She leads our guided meditations.”
I smile politely, inwardly cringing at having to socialize with a new person. “Can I help make breakfast?”
She shakes her head. “Sadie’s already made muffins and was scrambling up some eggs when I came to get you.”
“Sounds good,” I murmur.
She links her arm through mine and happily chatters the rest of the way to the house. After I unhook the leash, I follow her with Beast at my heels, to the kitchen.
“Good morning, Reilly,” Sadie greets the moment I’m near.
I cross the room to her and step into her open arms.
When she’s done hugging me, she turns me toward the stranger in the room. “Helena, this is Reilly.”
Helena, an exotic looking dark haired woman with heavily black-lined eyes, offers me her hand.
When I slip mine into it, she covers it with her other hand. “It is so nice to finally meet you Reilly,”
Finally?
“It’s nice to meet you too,” I murmur.
“Meg and Sadie have told me so much about you. I am so sorry for your recent sorrows.”
Sucking my lips into my mouth, I press my teeth into them and nod. Why does having someone mention what happened hurt so bad? Only moments ago, I was okay-ish. Now, it’s as if I’ve taken her concern and turned it into pain. She can say sorry, it’s nice of her to do so, but a sorry from a stranger does nothing but remind me that it happened.
I already think about it more than I should. I need no extra reminders.
Her face softens with sympathy. “So much sadness.”
I pull my hand free and hurry from the room, Beast following me. With tears blurring my eyes, I move to their office. Once inside, I sit right on the floor and hold my arms open for my boy to come to me.
He’s not alone. Meg is behind him. She moves to her knees and leans over to hug the both of us.
“I didn’t mean for that to happen, honey. Helena feels awful.”
“It’s okay,” I lie, my breath hitching.
“No, it was too soon for me to introduce you.”
I look up, confused.
She keeps talking. “Helena is an empath. She is able to pick up the emotions of those around her and, with her meditation, helps sooth the emotions of those she’s helping.”
I gulp. “Do you think she can help me?”
She nods. “I do.”
It’s been five weeks since I met Helena Castile. Meg and Sadie were kind enough to let Beast and me stay in our cabin while I worked with Helena. I’ve talked to Trip, Jake, and Kacey on the phone, but no more than that.
They’ve shared bits and pieces about the goings in Ferncliff but since they’ve only shared good news I suspect they’re censoring out anything bad to protect me. Still, it was exciting to learn Heath proposed to Sydney on the front porch of the house they had built.
They haven’t set a date yet but after Kacey and Jake’s wedding I’m sure they’ll start planning theirs. I miss their faces but hearing their voices has helped, especially Trip’s. At my insistence, he hasn’t visited. He wasn’t happy about it, but he’s coming to bring me home today.
Helena’s cabin is not far from mine. When I reach the door, I give one knock before coming in, my Beast tagging along.
“Reilly, is that you?” she calls from the loft.
“It is,” I reply. “Go lie down,” I tell Beast, motioning to a thick pillow on the floor by the sofa.
Once he’s settled, I walk up the stairs and into the loft.
Helena moves right to me, greeting me with a kiss to each of my cheeks. “You are so nervous.”
I cringe. “I’m a jumble of nerves.”
“Let’s see what we can do to fix that,” she murmurs, gesturing for me to sit on one of the mats in the room.
Luckily, I can still get onto and off the floor even with my massive baby bump. It just takes awhile. She moves to a speaker dock and presses play. Instantly, the loft fills with the gentle sound of wooden wind chimes dancing in a subtle breeze.
The windows are open and the sound joins with the birdsong around us. I shift until my legs are crossed, my back is straight and my muscles are relaxed.
“Okay, what is making you so nervous?” she asks.
I make a face since Trip’s impending arrival is no surprise.
“Speak the words Reilly,” she presses, ignoring my wide eyes.
“I’m nervous Trip’s feelings for me have changed during our time apart,” I confess.
She smiles at me. In healing, I’ve learned that honesty, even with myself is the most important step.
“Let’s break that statement apart, shall we?” She says it like a question, but it isn’t one.
“Why did Trip bring you here?” she asks.
I suck in a breath reminded of how full of pain I was in when I arrived. My loss, and my guilt in my loss was so encompassing it has taken on a life of its own. My pain was a living, breathing monster that was slowly killing my own will to function.
“He brought me here to help me,” I reply.
“And why would he do that?” She presses.
“Because he cares for me,” I admit.
She lets that go, only raising a brow at my use of care instead of love.
“And what is this place to Trip?” she asks.
This question and the ones she’s asked me on an almost daily basis confused me in the beginning. Now I understand. By speaking an honest truth, it is impossible for my subconscious to believe the lie I try
to tell myself.
“His mother and her wife run it and live here,” I answer,
She nods as though she weren’t already aware of this. “Is his mother important to him?”
Another question she already knows the answer to. “Very much so.”
“And would he bring you here if you weren’t important to him.”
“Tell me about it, yes. Bring me to it, no,” I reply.
She nods again. “Now, close your eyes and focus all of your attention on your inhales and your exhales. Feel your chest expand as you pull air into your body and as it leaves, feel the way your chest falls.”
I’m not sure how much time passes as she has me focus on my breathing. The start to each one of our sessions has been similar. First, a discussion of my current emotional state and which emotion I’m experiencing the strongest. Next, this breathing exercise that helps clear my mind. Then with prompts based on our conversation at the beginning, she guides me through unraveling that emotion and why it is trying to wield its power over me.
“Your brother Jake went away to work for a long time, yes?” she prompts.
I nod, my thoughts instantly pulling up an image of the oil rig he worked on.
“He came home only to leave again and go back to his work,” she continues.
I gulp, my body tenses as I remember almost losing him.
“Your brother is back now, is he not?” she goes on.
It’s the truth. He’s been back for ages now. The tension leaves my body as my mind accepts the truth of her statement.
“Your mind fears your loved ones going away,” she says.
Again, it’s true. For some reason, I put my fear of losing Jake when he was hurt onto Trip because we are apart. They are two different things and by acknowledging the fact that because something happened to Jake does not mean something will happen to Trip, I can accept the truth in that and allow the fear to leave me.
“What are you thinking right now?” she asks.
“Will he still be attracted to me?” I reply instantly.
“This morning, when you brushed your teeth and washed your face, did you look in the mirror above the sink?”
I nod, my mind pulling up the reflection I saw earlier today.
“Has your face changed in any way?” she then asks.
Why Not? (Love Riddles Book 3) Page 18
