This time I shake my head. My mind screams ‘But my body has changed,’ but that wasn’t her question. I must respond to and focus on the questions she asks.
“What is your fear?” she presses.
There is no shame in this cabin so I don’t hesitate when I reply, “That he’s going to think I’m fat.”
“When you see pregnant women do you think they’re fat?” she counters.
“No,” my response is swift.
Pregnant women, other than me, are gorgeous. They glow, their hair always looks amazing, and there’s something awe inspiring by the fact that they are creating life inside them.
“What makes you different from them?” she presses.
There is nothing different. There is nothing different. Within this meditative state, my mind cannot deny the truth.
“There isn’t,” I murmur.
“Now, are there any other thoughts that are drifting through your mind right now?”
This question signals the winding down portion of our session. Helena does not expect an answer right away.
No, during this time I focus on my breathing, each inhale and each exhale. Any thought that crosses my mind I speak without fear or shame. We then take each one and break it down to its basic truth and lie.
“I’m scared to go home,” I say.
“Alright Reilly, why are you scared of going home?” she questions.
“I don’t think I can go back to work, and if I don’t go back to work, I don’t want to be a drain on Trip. After the shooting, I shut down. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t leave the house. What if I revert to that?”
“We need to break each thought down, Reilly. Let’s start with your job. What’s the worst thing that will happen if you don’t go back to the news station?”
“I would need a new job,” I reply.
“Do people ever change jobs?”
“They do.”
It’s the truth. If I tried to go back and it was too much for me, I could find another job. There is no point worrying over something that may never come to pass.
“What would stop you from leaving your house?”
This fear and the one we just discussed have come up before. Guided meditation is not an instant cure to whatever ails. No, it’s ongoing, and something Helena has already warned me I’ll need to continue working on once I return to Ferncliff.
I already know the truth in this fear. I’ve proven I can leave the house by being here right now. I’ve also proven by my actions here that I can get up each day and function.
My guilt is my lie. It’s telling me that the only way I can honor Gavin’s death is by not living. My truth is the knowledge deep down to my soul that Gavin would want what’s best for me.
He was rooting for Trip and me and excited about our baby. If he knew I was hiding away, letting life pass me by in his name, he would be so disappointed in me.
“I can leave my house. I’ve proven it by being here right now.”
“Exactly,” she agrees, pride evident in her voice.
“Will people blame me?” I ask.
“What people?” she presses.
See, this is another thing I’ve learned. Instead of fearing the unnamed masses you need to name each person you fear and why. Part of the fear is in the unknown group.
“Gavin’s family and his girlfriend, and Leah’s family,” I admit.
This will be a fear I struggle with until I see any one of them in real life. My mind has created this vision of what I think will happen, or the hurt and anger they will lash out at me with.
My truth is that it isn’t real. My truth is that I’m reacting to something that has not happened and may never happen. It is the worst-case scenario that I played over and over again until I’ve made it real.
My truth is that it was never real.
Once I admit this, and Helena and I both are confident that I’ve addressed everything within my subconscious today, she has me focus on my breathing again. This time not only the rise and the fall of each inhale and exhalation. No, now we count backward from fifty to zero with each number preparing me to come out of my meditative state.
After zero, I stand, taking her offered hand to help me up. “Will it be cheating if I start doing this in a chair?”
She laughs as she pulls me into a hug. Meg, Sadie, Helena, and the other people who work and or live on the property are all extremely affectionate.
“A chair is acceptable, I suppose,” she teases.
“I’m going to miss you,” I reply.
She squeezes me tighter. “And I you.”
We walk down together. Beast and I will be headed to the main cabin to meet Trip when he arrives. Helena will most likely veg and decompress in her cabin until her next guided meditation appointment shows.
“I’ll be back,” I promise a nod to her action movie obsession.
She presses both of her hands to her chest and bows her head. When I leave her, I do it feeling no anxiety that she knows all my truths and lies.
Our session ran long so Beast is more energetic than normal once I have his leash clipped to his collar. He jumps and tries to grab the leash in his mouth.
“I’m sorry I took so long,” I apologize.
“Want me to see if Robbie can go for a run?”
At the mention of Robbie, a current guest and an avid runner and dog lover, Beast spins in a circle in front of me.
With a smile, I pit stop at Robbie’s cabin, hopeful he is there and not having his aura cleansed or doing naked yoga.
I knock on his door, Beast all but dancing at my feet.
“Hey Reilly,” Robbie greets and I grin widely.
“Hi Robbie, any interest in going for a run with Beast?” I ask.
He bends down and half hugs Beast as he pets him. “Hell yeah. Does that sound fun, boy? Wanna go running?”
He practically leaps into his arms. “You rock. Thank you so much.”
Robbie takes the leash from me as he moves back to step into the pair of running shoes waiting by his door. “It’s my pleasure. When I’m done, will you be at the main cabin or your cabin?”
“The main cabin,” I answer, moving to let them pass.
“We’ll see you later,” he replies, already half jogging with Beast down the path away from the main cabin
I spare a moment to watch them until they’re out of sight.
Now, with any luck, Trip will have arrived. When I asked for time, it wasn’t because I didn’t want him near. It was because I knew I needed to heal on my own. Out of his love for me he would have tried to shield me from pain. As much as it sucks, I needed to go through some painful thoughts and memories to get to where I am today.
When the main cabin comes into view, my heart falls when I don’t see his SUV parked along side it. It’s all right I tell myself, he probably hit traffic and will be here any second.
As if answering my summons, my head turns at the sound of a vehicle approaching. Lifting my hand to shield my eyes from the afternoon sun, I squint hoping it’s him.
When I see that it is, I all but run to him.
For most of the drive my hand has rested on the jewelry box in my pocket. The moment I see her, speed walking down the drive I shift into park. She’s so close, but I have to unbuckle this damn belt and open my door. These things shouldn’t anger me, but since they’re obstacles in my path to her they do.
Once I’m free of them and my feet hit dirt, I close the distance between us.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she pants.
There aren’t words big enough to express how much I missed her so instead of saying anything, I show her. Dipping down, I hook one arm behind her knees and sweep her up into my arms. Then I lay five weeks worth of simmering kisses on her.
This kiss is hard, deep, and wet.
“Oh my,” a voice murmurs from the path.
“Come along now,” someone else says. “Let’s give them some privacy.”
Even hearing this, R
eilly doesn’t pull away from me. Instead, she grips the back of my head, holding my mouth to hers.
There have been countless times over the last few weeks that I worried our time apart would destroy what we were building. I didn’t know what else to do, where else to take her.
I’d wait forever for her if it meant she was getting better. It sucks that I wasn’t able to give that to her back home. I only hope that the reason was less about me, and more about Ferncliff.
My mom kept me updated, and Reilly and I talked frequently as well. That doesn’t replace this, the physical intimacy that is impossible to reach over a phone. While waiting for her and being apart seems to have made a world of difference, I hate that I missed even a second of our baby’s growth.
There’s no mistaken her body has changed since the last time I saw or held her. I look forward to relearning her body while I regret that I missed seeing it first-hand as it changed.
She lifts her head and sucks in a breath. Damn, I was near on smothering her.
Her hands move to rest on my cheeks as she peers into my eyes with an intensity that roots me where I stand. “I was so silly to worry.”
“Worry about what?” I ask.
She smiles shyly and it’s an effort not to kiss her again. “That’s you’d still be attracted to me.”
My eyes bug and her smile widens when she notices. “I can promise you, right here and right now, there will never be a time that I won’t be attracted to you.”
One of her hands drops from my face to push on my shoulder. “Come on.”
“I’m serious,” I reply.
She smirks, “Were you attracted to me the time I got food poisoning?”
My upper lip curls and she laughs, but does it while pressing her mouth to mine.
Once she stops kissing me, she orders me to put her down. Then she takes my hand and pulls me toward the house. My mom and Sadie are waiting for us on the porch.
I keep a hold of Reilly’s hand while I lean forward to give each of them a hug and kiss to their cheeks.
It might be strange that I have no desire to let her go but, at least for the time being, she’ll have to deal with it.
There’s a therapist I’ve been seeing since I shot that fuckwad. It’s commonplace to need to be cleared after a shooting before going back to active duty. My situation was unique with my relationship to Reilly.
My superiors wanted to be sure that I wasn’t having any residual mental strain over watching my girlfriend, the woman carrying my child, attacked on live TV.
There was guilt, but not over killing him. I could kill him a hundred times and sleep at night. No, my guilt was in missing the signs he was fucked in the head in the first place, and my being inept in helping Reilly after.
She needed a hero and I only managed half of the job, then I had to ask my mom for help.
I’ve spent weeks wondering if Reilly would come to her senses and decide she could do better than me. Judging by the way she returned my it’s-been-way-too-fucking-long kiss, I’m thinking I was wrong on the last part.
“It is so good to see you,” my mom says, her eyes warming when they settle on Reilly and my joined hands.
We follow them into the house. Even though this trip is mainly a retrieval, we have a couple of hours before we need to hit the road.
My mom and Sadie make a point of settling themselves in the two armchairs of her living room, leaving the loveseat for us.
“Where’s Beast?” I ask, as we sit.
Reilly shares a look with my mom before saying, “He went for a run with a dweller.”
Dweller, that’s what my mom and Sadie call the short-timers here. One positive side effect to her being here was her having a chance to bond with my mom.
“Any interesting cases?” Sadie asks.
She’s a police drama addict, which drives my mom crazy since she’s not into TV period and if she was she’d go for something less action packed.
“Nothing out of the ordinary,” I reply.
Even if I was working something interesting, I wouldn’t share. Sadie frowns while my mom rolls her eyes.
Then, they spend the next twenty minutes catching me up on the place before excusing themselves. Their excuse was a chore that could not be delayed. It was bullshit, but I’m giving them that play.
Other than catching up, their presence at Reilly and my reunion was to smooth over any possible bumps. Once they were certain neither Reilly or I were going to argue, they decided to make themselves scarce. I’m assuming they didn’t want to further interrupt our being together.
“Come with me,” Reilly says, standing.
Before I follow her, I tug her until she stands between my legs, her rounded abdomen in front of me.
“Just a sec,” I murmur.
She waits patiently while my palms slide over the soft fabric of the loose shirt she wears over a pair of drawstring pants.
Leaning forward, I kiss her stomach. “Our baby is in here.”
She covers my hands with hers. “Still don’t want to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl?”
I tilt my head. “Do you?”
She shrugs. “Half of the time I do, the rest of the time I want to be surprised.”
“What side are you leaning toward right now?” I ask.
She purses her lips and moves one of her hands to stroke my hair. “Waiting to be surprised means I can keep pretending I might have a little boy who looks just like you.”
I lift her hand to my lips and reply, “With your green eyes.”
She pouts. “But I love your eyes.”
“And I love yours.”
“Maybe we’ll have twins,” she jokes.
My heart stops for a moment before I remember the sonogram that we had only showed one baby. “Trying to give me a heart attack?”
She laughs, and it’s music to my ears. These weeks without her have been hard, but seeing her like this makes it all worth it.
“Come on,” she murmurs, stepping back.
I take her hand and let her lead me outside. A shirtless guy with Beast on a leash comes jogging up to us.
When he reaches us, he bends over at the waist and pants, “We had a hell of a run.”
Beast looks no worse for the wear and runs over to me.
“You remember Trip,” Reilly coos.
I fall to my knees and try to hug him as he excitedly jumps around me. “You’re a good boy. Did you have a good run?”
He answers with a lick to my cheek.
The guy passes Beast’s leash to Reilly.
“Trip, this is Robbie. Robbie, this is my boyfriend Trip,” Reilly introduces us now that Robbie catches his breath.
We shake hands and exchange chin lifts.
“It’s nice to meet you,” he says.
“Likewise,” I reply.
He turns to Reilly. “I’d hug you, but I’m gross. It was good meeting you, and I wish you the best of luck.”
She moves forward and gives him a hug anyway. His hands hover for a beat before lightly hugging her back.
“You’re good people, Reilly,” he mutters.
Not seeing Reilly for weeks sucked. Seeing her hugging a sweaty shirtless guy isn’t any better. I’m not jealous or anything, but it’d be good if she stopped hugging him right now.
He pulls away first and I don’t miss him wiping his eyes. Reilly gives his arm a squeeze before giving him a sad smile.
“You take care of yourself, okay?” she says.
He nods, lifts his hand in farewell and then walks away.
“Were you two close?” I ask once he’s out of sight.
She shrugs. “There are group therapy sessions and they can get intense. I guess we’re in some strange little club now.”
I nod, and reach down to pet Beast’s head.
“We should get him some water before we load up,” she says.
Hand in hand, we walk with Beast at her side down to the cabin I first brought her to. I hold the door for her
.
Once we’re all inside, she unhooks his leash and asks, “Can you get him some water?”
I nod and pat my thigh. Beast follows me to the sink. His bowl is on the floor off to one side. I’m setting it back down when music turns on.
It’s Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You.” The moment the bowl is on the floor I turn, standing to face her.
She’s on one knee in the middle of the room.
Did she fall? There was no sound. Why is she on her knee?
“Reilly,” I breathe, moving toward her.
She lifts her hand, stopping me. “I need to say something. The day,” she pauses, pinching her eyes shut before sniffling. When she reopens her eyes, they are wet. “Gavin died, I was going to ask you to marry me. After what happened, I felt like if we got married, it would be dishonoring Gavin’s memory. It took me a long time to see how wrong that was and how happy Gavin would have been for us.”
I take a step closer to see if she’ll stop me. When she doesn’t, I close the space between us, and shift onto my knees in front of her.
She reaches for my hands, her eyes now swimming with tears. Beast shuffles in next to me and whines, clearly sensing Reilly is upset.
“He would be so upset with me if I used him as the reason not to marry you.”
Beast pushes his meaty head between us, and Reilly laugh sniffles. “I wanted to steal your heart back in high school, but all I managed to get were your boxers. Now, older, hopefully wiser, and so in love with you, I’m not trying to steal anything, I’m asking for it. Trip Lowell, will you marry me?”
“We can make it to Vegas before nightfall if we leave now,” I reply.
She laugh-hiccups and throws her arms around my neck. Our kiss from earlier has nothing on this one.
Once I let her up for air, I ask, “So, are we going?”
She shakes her head and replies, “I want Jake to walk me down the aisle.”
“I’ll buy plane tickets for him and anyone else you want there right now.”
Her mouth falls open and she pulls one hand away to cover it.
“Are you joking?” she asks with wide wet eyes.
I shake my head. “I’ve wanted to marry you for months.”
Her hand falls away. “And not just because of the baby?”
“I love you and I can’t wait to meet our baby but, no, I don’t want to marry you because of him or her.”
Why Not? (Love Riddles Book 3) Page 19
