Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself

by Florence Littauer

  One day as I was shopping for Peaceful Phlegmatic chairs—ones that are quiet and unobtrusive and will blend with any decor—the thought came to me: Peaceful Phlegmatic’s greatest strength is his lack of obvious weaknesses. Peaceful Phlegmatic doesn’t have temper tantrums, sink into depressions, or spin his wheels noisily. He just stays unenthusiastic, worries quietly, and can’t make decisions. Hardly faults obvious enough to demand correction.

  PROBLEM: Peaceful Phlegmatics Are Not Exciting

  Solution: Try to Get Enthused

  One of the most annoying weaknesses of Peaceful Phlegmatic is his inability to get enthused over anything. I once asked Don Air Force (One of Lauren’s boyfriends) if he ever got excited, and after thinking for several seconds, he replied, “I can’t remember anything in life that was worth getting excited about.”

  While this weakness is not a loud, glaring one, it is extremely discouraging for the mate to have a partner who doesn’t get enthused over his dynamic plans. The one bounces in, full of great thoughts for the weekend, and Peaceful Phlegmatic says, “That doesn’t sound like much fun. Why bother going? I’d just rather stay home.” This drops the creative partner to a low, and no matter what happens this weekend, one of them is unhappy.

  The Powerful Choleric woman is attracted to the Peaceful Phlegmatic man because he has that cool detached look that is somehow appealing in its quiet way. The Powerful Choleric man chooses the Peaceful Phlegmatic woman because she has a soft, gentle spirit and needs to be protected from the cruel, hard world.

  After the wedding Powerful Cholerics set their goals in order and nail up their edicts, expecting instant enthusiasm. When Peaceful Phlegmatic replies, “I couldn’t care less,” Powerful Choleric is crestfallen, and tries to come up with more dynamic ideas that will demand response. Little does Powerful Choleric know, the more grandiose the scheme, the more frightened and less excited Peaceful Phlegmatic will be.

  I’ve spent most of my life trying to get my mother turned on to some of my accomplishments. When I wrote my first book I thought: Now I have done something she’ll get enthused about. Not every daughter has written a book. She’ll love it! I’ve even dedicated it to her. I can’t miss!

  I handed her the book and showed her the dedication. I then waited for her to see herself in print and be filled with joy. No reaction. She turned the page. I watched. She never changed her expression in the days she took to read it, and when she was finished, she closed the book and looked out the window. I could hardly wait for her comments, but they did not come. Finally I said to Lauren, “Ask Grammie how she liked my book.” She did, and my mother replied, “It sure was a book.”

  Once Peaceful Phlegmatics find they can upset others by their refusal to get enthused, they use this ability as a quiet form of control and chuckle under their breath at the antics the rest of us go through, trying to elicit excitement. After a weekend retreat where there were several speakers, the chairman asked a Peaceful Phlegmatic lady which speaker she liked best. She meditated a moment and then said, “I think it will take time to know.”

  Another was asked “Would you attend again?” The Peaceful Phlegmatic answer was, “Possibly, or more likely I would recommend it to others and have them attend.”

  A young Popular Sanguine girl shared at a seminar, “My husband is so Peaceful Phlegmatic he even falls asleep during arguments.”

  Linda said, “Living with my husband is like being a talk-show host. He comes home and sits silently. I lean over and say, ‘And what’s your name, honey?’ If I can pull anything out of him at all, I’m lucky.” Peaceful Phlegmatics just don’t get very excited about anything.

  Putting two Peaceful Phlegmatics together in marriage is a sure way to avoid problems and excitement. The couples I have known with this combination have gotten along well and kept life on the Peaceful Phlegmatic “even keel,” but they have frequently expressed, “Frankly, we’re bored.”

  A young girl told me, “We’ve been married one year and we’ve run out of anything to say or do.” One said, “Each night I ask him, ‘What do you feel like doing?’ He answers, ‘I don’t care, what do you want to do?’ Since neither one of us can decide, we don’t do much of anything.”

  Another lady explained, “We get along fine. I ask him to hang a picture; he says yes and forgets. I’m so Peaceful Phlegmatic I don’t care.” A man overhearing this comment added, “We laid pictures out on the floor in our dining room when we first moved into the house a year ago. We’re going to hang them sometime, but it doesn’t ever seem urgent.”

  The Peaceful Phlegmatic chairman of one of our seminars reported, “My wife and I are both Peaceful Phlegmatic, and each night when I get home she asks, ‘What do you feel like eating?’ and I reply, ‘What do you have?’ She says, ‘Not much! How about TV dinners?’ I nod and we both go to the freezer and stand with the door open trying to decide which variety to choose.”

  REMEMBER

  Get enthused. Start with once a month and work up from there.

  PROBLEM: Peaceful Phlegmatics Resist Change

  Solution: Try Something New

  One night Lee’s Peaceful Phlegmatic husband, Pete, came home and said, “Get dressed, I’m taking you out.” She was so excited and she began to think of what she’d wear. She asked, “Where are you taking me?” Pete answered, “To Montgomery Ward to buy trash cans.” I asked her how she reacted to such a thought and she replied, “I got dressed and went. It was the most exciting thing he’d thought of in months.”

  Unfortunately, this incident is the norm with many Peaceful Phlegmatics. They have no need of entertainment and assume no one else does either. I saw a cartoon that showed a Peaceful Phlegmatic man, lying on the floor next to a mousehole in the baseboards. He was holding a hammer in the air, ready to whack the first rodent who stuck his head out. His wife looked down at him and sighed, “Another exciting Saturday evening with Harry.”

  One Peaceful Phlegmatic man asked my advice on his dull marriage. When I gave him some new ideas, he countered, “I think I’ll just pretend everything’s all right—a change might be worse.”

  REMEMBER

  Try your best to think of something new at least once a week. Your partner deserves a change.

  PROBLEM: Peaceful Phlegmatics Seem Lazy

  Solution 1: Learn to Accept Responsibility for Your Life

  Peaceful Phlegmatic in his most extreme form is very lazy and hopes by procrastinating to avoid any work at all. I chose one lady to be a chairperson in the Women’s Club, and she asked, “Will I have to do anything?” She didn’t mind the title, as long as it didn’t involve work.

  Jill was moving and the thought of it overwhelmed her. She asked her friends to help her pack, and for three months they talked about what day they’d come to help. At the appointed time, her Powerful Choleric friends came ready to work. Jill had on a dress, nylons, and high heels, giving an instant impression that she didn’t plan on any heavy labor herself. Although it was the day before the movers were to arrive, Jill had no boxes or bags; she had packed nothing; the pictures were still on the walls; the sink was full of dirty dishes; and there were piles of laundry to get done.

  One friend told me, “She expected us to do everything!”

  If you do want others to do the work, at least be smart enough not to give them advice.

  Peaceful Phlegmatic Phil sat comfortably in a chair by the fire while his Powerful Choleric wife was loading up the van for their skiing trip. At one point he looked up and commented, “If you’ll take more out on each trip it won’t take you so long.” He wondered why she hit him over the head with a ski pole.

  In our seminars, when it’s time to divide into groups, the Peaceful Phlegmatics never know where to go and they turn to their mates in bewilderment. The partner (who is usually Powerful Choleric) comes up with a loving, “You’re a Peaceful Phlegmatic, you dummy!” and the person shuffles off to find where the Peaceful Phlegmatic group went.

  One Peaceful Phlegmati
c dentist, when chosen to be chairman of the group, suggested, “Why don’t we all close our eyes and meditate until the time is up?”

  Another man agreed with “You can’t improve on silence.”

  Solution 2: Don’t Put Off Until Tomorrow What You Can Do Today

  The problem of procrastination is prevalent with both Perfect Melancholies and Peaceful Phlegmatics, but for different reasons. Perfect Melancholy cannot start anything until he has the right equipment and feels he can do a perfect job; but Peaceful Phlegmatic postpones because underneath he doesn’t want to do it. He tends to be lazy, and postponements keep him from making a decision to get to work. Peaceful Phlegmatic has a mañana complex: Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

  At a baby shower for my daughter Lauren, the Peaceful Phlegmatics brought gifts that they hadn’t quite gotten around to finishing yet. The first was an adorable blue suit with a snap crotch, but upon inspection, we found straight pins where the snaps should have been. If the poor baby ever put his legs together, he’d be stabbed! The second was a needlepoint unicorn, without any background. Both girls expressed a sincere desire to finish their projects, and they both left the shower with their gifts in hand.

  These two girls with their half-done presents were still far better than the Popular Sanguine who forgot what day it was and didn’t come at all!

  Solution 3: Motivate Yourself

  Sharon’s mind was like a game of pool. The colorful balls only rolled around when pushed, and had for years clustered cozily in a mesh bag, hanging securely in the corner.

  It wasn’t that she couldn’t move; it was just too much like work. When properly motivated, she could pull a few balls out of the pocket and roll them around the fertile green, as long as the occasion demanded. When the pressure relaxed, she would clear the table and retreat to her net, until someone in exasperation would grab the colored balls, throw them across the green and cry, “Move!”

  This simple little parable is typical of Peaceful Phlegmatic. It’s not that they can’t do the job; it’s that they don’t want to. One lady told me she had cut out at least four dresses, but it was just too much like work to sew them up. “If I ever need one for a special occasion, I’ll do it.”

  While Peaceful Phlegmatics need direct motivation from others, they resent being pushed. This contradictory problem is a conflict in many homes where Peaceful Phlegmatic avoids doing the necessary chores; Powerful Choleric tells him what to do, and he resents the prodding.

  Ruthee has a kitchen window that faces west, and each afternoon the California sun beats in, making the spot too hot to work. She asked Howard to put up a shade for her, but since he wasn’t the one in the sun, he wasn’t motivated. Finally Ruthee nailed up a big beach towel, which cuts down the heat but ruins the view. One day at a yard sale Ruthee found a pair of wooden shutters exactly the size of her window. She brought them home, but there was an instant problem: The shutters were unfinished. Howard was mildly enthused over the new shutters, and assured Ruthee he would antique them to match the cabinets.

  That was four years ago and the shutters are still in various stages in the garage. When Ruthee asks about their progress, he gets offended and says he is “working on them.” Ruthee’s solution is to forget she ever bought the shutters and put up fresh towels with every season.

  REMEMBER

  You Peaceful Phlegmatics deserve to be henpecked if you can’t motivate yourselves to responsible action.

  PROBLEM: Peaceful Phlegmatics Have a Quiet Will of Iron

  Solution: Learn to Communicate Your Feelings

  Because Peaceful Phlegmatic appears to go along with the crowd, people are often surprised when they find a quiet will of iron at work under the placid exterior. As a composite example from many Powerful Choleric wives, the situation is this: Charlotte announces to Charlie on Monday morning, “We’re going to Sally’s house Saturday night.”

  Charlie gives a typical Peaceful Phlegmatic answer, “Ummm.”

  Charlotte, being a Powerful Choleric, takes any answer that isn’t “absolutely not” as “yes,” and assumes she and Charlie are agreed on Saturday night.

  Every day that week Charlotte reminds Charlie, “Don’t forget! Sally’s house on Saturday night.”

  Charlie mumbles another “umm.”

  Saturday night comes. Charlotte gets dressed up, and Charlie sits in his recliner chair in a T-shirt. When he doesn’t seem to move, Charlotte states clearly, “Hurry up and change your clothes. We’re going to Sally’s house.”

  Charlie gives the first complete sentence he’s come up with all week. “I’m not going.”

  “You agreed with me about it all week.”

  “I didn’t agree; I just didn’t disagree.” And Charlie doesn’t go. Once the usually obliging Peaceful Phlegmatic makes a decision, you cannot change his mind.

  I have learned from counseling Peaceful Phlegmatics that they appear to be content in their marriages. I ask if they have any complaints and they say, “Everything’s just fine.” The partner may be hysterical and threatening suicide, yet Peaceful Phlegmatic doesn’t know what the problem is. He’s innocent and won’t communicate. The marriage may limp along for years with no open lines, until one day Peaceful Phlegmatic decides he’s had it with the foolish woman, and he’s going to leave. He doesn’t bring the matter up for discussion; he just packs up and takes off. Once Peaceful Phlegmatic has made his move, there is little hope of changing him.

  One man put it this way: “It took me twenty long years to get the courage to make this decision, and I’m sure not going to change my mind now.”

  The basic problem under this stubborn streak is that Peaceful Phlegmatic is unwilling to communicate. Since he always takes the path of least resistance and runs from controversy, he naturally finds it easier to keep quiet about his feelings rather than to open them up and take the chance of conflict.

  By keeping his mouth shut Peaceful Phlegmatic stays out of trouble much of the time, but by hiding his feelings and refusing to communicate, he stifles any meaningful relationship with others.

  REMEMBER

  Open up before it’s too late.

  Don’t hide your light under a bushel.

  PROBLEM: Peaceful Phlegmatics Appear Wishy-Washy

  Solution 1: Practice Making Decisions

  Peaceful Phlegmatic’s major fault is his apparent inability to make decisions. Powerful Choleric stands over him with a pot of boiling water and asks quickly, “Do you want coffee or tea?” The automatic answer is “I don’t care.” Peaceful Phlegmatic feels he is being agreeable and can’t understand why Powerful Choleric pours the hot water over his head!

  “I was only trying to make it easy for her.”

  On a flight out of Norfolk, Virginia, the flight attendant announced over the PA system that we had three choices of entrees for lunch. “You may have seafood Newburg, pepper steak, or lasagne. We do not have enough of each for everyone, so some of you at the end should think of a second choice.”

  She then turned immediately to the Peaceful Phlegmatic man who was in the first row with me and asked him, “Which entree would you like?” And he replied, “Whichever one you have left over.” The flight attendant, being Powerful Choleric, said, “I don’t have anything left over! You are the first person I’ve asked.” She hovered over him, waiting for a decision. Then I spoke up and said, “I’ll have the Newburg.” He looked up and said, “I guess I’ll have that one too.”

  Peaceful Phlegmatic’s problem with making decisions is not that he is incompetent, but that he has made one great decision never to make any decisions. After all, if you don’t make the decision, you’re not held accountable for the outcome.

  Peaceful Phlegmatic must practice making decisions and be willing to accept responsibility. The friends, workers, and mates of Peaceful Phlegmatic will rejoice when he is able to stand tall and be decisive. Say good-bye to the wishy-washy blues.

  Solution 2: Learn to Say No

 
Peaceful Phlegmatics don’t ever want to hurt anybody and they will buy something they don’t even want in order not to say no. One Powerful Choleric told me, “Among the strengths of Peaceful Phlegmatics are their friendliness and their willingness to help. They never see a stranger. My fuzzy-bearlike husband, over the years, has brought home as old friends light-bulb salesmen, vacuum-cleaner salesmen, magazine salesmen, and an odd assortment of others, which my Choleric heart viewed with skeptical suspicion. A Peaceful Phlegmatic just can’t say, ‘No! No! No!’”

  While Peaceful Phlegmatics do not get excited over the concept of temperaments, they do learn and gradually apply themselves. Since they have the least offensive weaknesses, they can change for the better very quickly—if they feel like it. Properly motivated, a Peaceful Phlegmatic can make himself get enthused over a few things a week, and this will truly please those who live or work with him. Since he is able to make decisions (but chooses not to), he can easily become decisive and lose his wishy-washy image when he sees how much this will help in his relationships.

  REMEMBER

  Learn to say no and practice making decisions.

  Start with chocolate and vanilla if all thirty-one flavors

  are just too much to cope with at once!

  When you fear to make a decision, remember there is One who can help you.

  For the Lord grants wisdom. . . . He shows how to distinguish right from wrong, how to find the right decision. . . .