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“I smile,” I said finally. My voice was dead. “And we’re not exactly down here to have fun, remember?”
I could sense Sam’s frustration that his physical strength couldn’t fix this – knew how much he wanted to argue, to shout me down and force me to snap out of it. Instead he hesitated…and then reached over and awkwardly squeezed my hand.
He didn’t mention it again.
Seb stayed on at the base, despite what I’d said to him. I noticed him and Meghan together sometimes – once in the rec room late at night, on a sofa in a dim corner. Seb was holding Meghan in his arms with her back against his chest, his curly head bowed against her neck. As I watched she reached up to stroke his shoulder, her love for him so clear that I felt like an intruder.
I left quickly, before they noticed I was there. To my shame, jealousy was prickling at me again – not of Meghan this time, but of both of them, for the simple fact that they could hold each other.
Great, I thought, wiping my eyes as I reached my room. Was I going to turn into some bitter old crone now, who hated seeing anyone happy? I undressed mechanically and crawled into bed – and without thinking, I reached out to my mother. It had become such a habit since Alex died. Sometimes I spent hours now curled up in the feel of her, telling her things in my mind.
Mom, this hurts so much, I thought bleakly, hugging myself. I’d give anything if I could just hold him one more time. But I knew she’d never answer, no matter how much I needed her to. Neither would Alex.
As I finally drifted into an exhausted sleep, I thought, Seb had better realize how lucky he is.
At least we only taught one class together now – I’d told him I thought it would be more efficient if we taught separately. His mouth had twisted wryly at that, as if there was some joke I wasn’t in on. “Fine, querida – whatever you want. ”
The way he said “querida” didn’t sound like an endearment any more. I didn’t care; I was just relieved to not have to see him as much – to not be reminded of my moment of jealousy on the dance floor. Whenever I did see him, we were always very polite…and his hazel eyes remained distant.
Kara had stayed on too. She was quieter than she used to be – fiercer. She helped out with simulations and in the firing range, but kept to herself. Her body was slimly muscular again, her face as exotically beautiful as before. Half the guys in the place had crushes on her. Not that any of them dared to get close.
The two of us were never going to be friends. She didn’t like me, and it was mutual. But we managed to work together civilly enough – and I had the feeling that we were trying to get along for Alex’s sake.
The only time she showed any vulnerability was once in the war room. I’d gone in to update the map of known Edens but stopped short when I saw her: she was sitting at the table with a fist against her mouth, regarding the map with a hopeless expression.
She straightened. “Oh. It’s you. ”
“Yeah, I just…” I cleared my throat. I went over to the map and started putting in new pins by way of explanation.
Saratoga Eden. Eugene Eden. Toledo Eden.
My neck prickled and I turned. Kara sat motionless, her gaze still locked on the map. Suddenly she rose and came over. She fiddled with the pin for Austin Eden as if she’d love to pull it out but didn’t quite have the nerve.
“This is so stupid,” she said in a low voice. “I just can’t seem to leave it behind. I mean, look. ”
She drew out a slim wallet from her jeans pocket and flipped it open. I stared. Inside was an ID card showing the familiar image of a gleaming angel with wings outspread. In the centre was a photo of Kara’s face. Mia Sanchez, resident of Austin Eden, said the flowing script.
“You’d think I’d never want to see the damn thing again. ” She shoved it back in her pocket. “But I can’t throw it away. It’s like it’s a part of me…” She trailed off, staring at the flag. Her eyes were almost fearful.
I knew that later she was going to hate that she’d confided in me. I licked my lips. “You’ve, um…heard the latest, I guess. About the army starting to forcibly relocate entire dark towns to the Edens. ”
Her gaze snapped to mine. Her voice quavered. “Yeah. ‘For their own safety’. Your old man’s all heart, Willow. ”
She turned and left. I let out a breath as the door closed – and knew I wasn’t the only one haunted by memories.
Even so, my “normal” act must have been getting better as time passed. One day in early summer, one of our new recruits fell into step beside me as I walked down the corridor.
“Hey,” he said with a grin, holding out his hand. “I’m Grant – one of your students. I’ve only been here a couple of days. ”
I nodded, bemused, as we shook. “I know. ” About my age, floppy brown hair. If he’d gone to Pawntucket High, he’d have been one of the popular guys on the basketball team.
Our footsteps echoed as he walked beside me. Grant cleared his throat. “So, I’m pretty intrigued by this half-angel stuff. Are you really the only one?”
I glanced at him, my forehead furrowed. “No. There’s Seb too. You’ve met him. ”
“Oh – yeah. No, I meant the only girl half-angel. ”
“I guess. No one really knows. ”
“Cool,” he said, nodding slowly. “That must be amazing, to be so…unique. ”
I shrugged and walked faster, a little unsettled by the way his gaze stayed on me. He caught up with me easily; this time his grin had an embarrassed tinge. “I’m not doing too great, am I? Should I start over and try to be more suave this time?”
I stopped in my tracks. “What?” I said stupidly.
Grant looked confused. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…I just think you’re really pretty, and I’d like to get to know you better, that’s all. You’re not already with someone, are you? I hadn’t noticed you hanging out with anybody, so I thought…”
He trailed off when he saw the expression on my face. My throat had gone dry. No, I’m not with someone. I couldn’t say the words – wouldn’t have said them for anything. I reached up and touched my crystal pendant, gripping it hard.
“I’m sorry – I’ve got to go,” I said roughly.
In August we sent out our first groups of AKs.
Over fifty drove away in trucks bristling with supplies, honking jubilantly as they went. I watched with grim pride, praying that they could get camps established and start sniping at the angels without being caught. That had been Alex’s main concern, I knew.
I tried not to worry about it and plunged back into work. We will destroy them, I kept telling myself.
“How are you doing?” asked Liz. We were sitting in a corner of the busy rec room, drinking terrible instant coffee.
I gave a tired shrug. “A little on edge since the teams left, I guess. ” We’d known we wouldn’t hear from them; it was still unnerving as the days passed.
Liz hesitated. “Me too, but…that’s not what I meant. ”
Hardly anyone asked me any more. Alex had been dead since November, so obviously I was over him, right? I looked down, twisting my coffee mug on the table.
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