The Taste of Her Words

by Candace Knoebel

  “I can get them,” she said, hand on the counter.

  I lost myself in her beautiful gaze. “Please. You cooked. Let me.”

  The tension was thick. Swollen in the air.

  She nodded, and then took a step back, letting me get to work.

  It didn’t take long to get everything scrubbed off and loaded in the dishwasher. Josh had just finished his plate by the time I wiped my hands with the towel Andy handed me. He pushed away from the table, disgust curling his lips.

  “What are you two weirdoes doing today?” he asked, polishing off his coffee.

  “I’m going to town,” Andy said, taking his plate and making quick work of cleaning it.

  Josh looked to me.

  “The same,” I conceded, keeping my eyes forward when I noticed Andy staring at the side of my face.

  “Lame.” Josh stood from the bar.

  “Why? What are you doing?”

  He grunted. “Sleeping this shit off.”

  “Excellent idea,” I said as Andy put the last of the dishes away.

  The blonde came around the corner then, looking like she just rolled out of a dumpster.

  Josh turned, took one look at her, and then jumped back. “Whoa… who the hell?” He flicked a confused look over his shoulder at me, then to Andy, and then back to the blonde.

  “Where am I?” the blonde asked, scratching her neck.

  Andy snickered and looked to me. “I’m going to change. If you don’t mind, can I ride with you to town?”

  She left the question hanging in the air, knowing damn well she could.

  Hell… she could ride me.

  Even better.

  “Did we…?” the blonde asked me as I shuffled around the bar.

  “Me? No,” I answered, following it up with, “But this guy? Yes.” I grabbed Josh by the shoulders and squeezed. Leaning close to his ear, I added, “I’ll leave you to it, champ,” and then headed up to change.

  14

  M O N S T E R S

  Like the moon, you’re light and dark,

  A war between two sides.

  Don’t dwell too long in either,

  Or the monsters you will find.

  I KNOCKED ONCE ON MY father’s office door.

  “Come in,” he said, sounding a bit rushed. I pushed the door open, watching as he moved behind his desk, filing papers into a cabinet. Midmorning light streaked in slotted angles through the wooden blinds shielding the windows, highlighting a stir of dust.

  I stopped in front of a leather chair, hands gripping the back of it as I pushed my nerves aside. I knew why he’d asked me here, and I wasn’t sure I was ready anymore. Repression could easily be mistaken for courage. It was one thing to talk about going up against the biggest threat in my life. It was an entirely different thing to actually have to face it.

  “Shouldn’t you be loading up already?” I asked, eyes zipping back and forth, trying to keep up with his movements.

  “My mind’s already two steps out the door,” he said with a small grin as he locked the filing cabinet. “I just need to loop you in on everything before Charlie and I head out.” He was dressed in khakis, a cargo shirt, and a sun hat, sticking out like a sore thumb among the superfluous furnishings.

  I giggled.

  He turned in my direction, leaving a folder in the center of his desk. I didn’t have to look closely to see Matt’s name on it. It sat like one big, fat secret between us. A secret he was about to let me in on.

  When his gaze found mine, I held my breath. “I think we have enough to safeguard your case, but I need you to keep yourself in order until after the next court date.”

  “You do? That fast?”

  A slow smirk lifted the corners of his lips. “Andy, we’re the best in the state.”

  “Right.” I laughed nervously, and then looked to my feet. “What did you find?”

  Like a storm rolling in, his features darkened, chasing out any hope that this would go lightly. He pulled the two chairs in front of his desk to face each other. “Andy, why don’t you sit for a minute?”

  Daggers of unease constricted my muscles as I did as he said, heat pushing behind my skin. The only other time I heard that tone from him was after I told him I was dropping out of college. He told me to sit in the same chair as he went over all the reasons why dropping out wasn’t only unnecessary, but also unwise.

  How fitting that we were about to have another conversation regarding the future of Charlie and me in the same two chairs.

  He leaned back, crossing his leg as his arms rested against the armrests. “Did you know Matt has a mental illness?”

  I flinched. “What?”

  He softened his tone and features. “He’s sick, Andy. He has been for a very long time.”

  I felt my head shaking. My heart slowing, beating in hard, short bursts against my ribs as dread spread through my veins like lead. “I knew Matt was unstable, but in all the things we’d talked about when we were together, mental illness never came up. Are you sure?”

  He slowly nodded.

  All my fears knocked against the door of my mind, about to break through as my stomach slid somewhere near the floor. As my bones congealed and left me feeling like I was sinking deeper and deeper into the chair.

  Words failed me, slipping through my fingers like sand.

  “He has some form of an impulse-control disorder, Andy,” Dad continued, his tone darkening with worry as he watched me. “From what we gathered, it’s an extreme case.”

  I stared at him for a second, replaying his words over and over again until they began to make sense. Matt was mentally ill. Truly. Clinically. This was really happening. We were actually having this conversation.

  A thousand questions assaulted my mind as the truth flooded into my lungs, oppressing my ability to breathe. How had I not seen the signs? Would this affect Charlie? Was Matt being treated? What did this mean for our future?

  Dad’s voice cut in over the noise inside my head. “How much do you know about him, Andy?” he asked as he leaned in, eyes scanning mine.

  It was an innocent-enough question, but when I thought long and hard about it, my face went tight as acidic heat started in my belly, branching through my body. I knew he liked sex… sometimes rougher than I liked. Liked it enough that he couldn’t keep it in his pants. That he majored in business, though he hadn’t used his degree for anything yet. I knew he liked order and control, that he sometimes lost his mind in the heat of the moment, and that his parents weren’t the easiest to grow up with. But even when we’d been a couple—for less than a year—he’d never talked about his past. Only the bare minimum, and most of what he’d said was a facade meant to keep me from prying further.

  The sobering truth was that Matt knew everything about me… and I barely knew a thing about him.

  “You know his father is the founder of the company that creates specific tracking software for the government, right?”

  I shook my head as I twisted the ring my dad gave me when I was a kid around my finger. “I knew what his dad did was important enough that he never had time to meet his grandson, but Matt never said specifically what it was. I never asked, either.” I felt hot and cold, like the world was tilting to the side. “I didn’t really think to. Matt’s only been a consistent role in Charlie’s life for the past year, after child support was established. Before that, conversations were once or twice a month, and they usually revolved around the reason he wasn’t going to be able to see Charlie that day.” I placed my hand against my stomach. “I guess I didn’t care to know him any further than I already did.”

  He reached for a folder on his desk and handed it to me. Inside were copies of records from Matt’s childhood.

  “They weren’t easy to come by. A lot of it was buried underneath money,” he said as my eyes skimmed over everything.

  Pieces of my carefully constructed reality chipped away with every sentence I read. Matt had been moved from school to school as a child, ofte
n being expelled for some form of violent behavior. His mother had him placed in therapy when he was fifteen, which was when he’d been diagnosed. He attended for a little over a year until his father found out and had him removed.

  My heart splintered, shards of sadness and pity slicing through my veins. How could a father pull a child from the help they needed? How could they expect him to function if not given the tools necessary to help deal with his emotions?

  I kept pillaging through, numb with shock, and found a multitude of checks written out to schools, the police, and multiple individuals.

  “What’s all this?” I asked, trying to make sense of a picture I didn’t want to see.

  He exhaled slowly. “Hush money is my best guess.”

  My lungs constricted. “Hush money for what?” I asked, thumbing through the endless photocopies of cashed checks.

  “For whatever misdeeds he did that his father wanted covered up instead of dealt with,” Dad answered. There was no mistaking the disdain in his words. “How a father could…” He shook his head, looking off to the side.

  I scratched my forehead. “But why? What could Matt have done that a check for ten grand would cover up?” I didn’t even try to hide my bewilderment.

  Dad found my eyes again. “Think about it. He’s angry, Andy. He’s always been angry, and he’s never had a chance to deal with that anger. Never been made to seek council for it.”

  I thought about the arguments we’d been in. The times he’d shoved me around, eyes clocked out from the world as he yelled in my face. I knew then something was wrong, but I’d blocked it out. I didn’t want to see that I’d been with someone capable of worse. Afterward, he always apologized, blaming it on the pressure from school or his parents. Telling me he’d never do it again.

  Deciphering his lies had been the closest I’d ever come to knowing him, I realized with a sinking feeling.

  “I reached out to his mother,” Dad continued as my stomach turned over on itself, bile clawing at the back of my throat.

  I waited for him to finish, not able to find my voice.

  “She didn’t respond.”

  “I’ve never met her,” I confessed as everything spun in front of me. “At first, Matt said it was because she was away with his father, but after Charlie was born, I figured it was because they didn’t want anything to do with that side of Matt’s life. Maybe that’s why he’s clung so hard to us, even though I’ve given him ample opportunity to walk away and never look back.”

  Dad groaned. “If you ask me, I think there was extreme emotional abuse happening in their house. Why else remove him from the help he needed?”

  My hand covered my mouth. As much as I didn’t like Matt, I still wouldn’t wish any kind of pain on him. “I didn’t… how could I have known?” I said as the truth hit me hard in the chest.

  “Andy, there’s more.” He pointed to the folder.

  I’d only made it past the first bit of documents.

  I shuffled through until I found an active restraining order against him and gasped.

  “It was filed five months ago. By an ex, I assume.”

  I sat the paper back down. Twisted my fingers in my lap. I knew he had been dating someone a while ago, but lately, he stopped mentioning her. I’d figured the relationship had fizzled out just like they always did.

  “From what we uncovered, there was potential for her to press charges against him for domestic abuse, but the victim decided against it. It was bad, Andy. His money must run deep because based on what we uncovered, there’s no way he should have walked away from that situation without going to jail.”

  “What do you mean?” My voice wasn’t my own. It held too much fear.

  The look in his eyes said it all. “She was hospitalized for a while.”

  Tears stung the back of my throat. What would that mean for Charlie? Would he inherit the illness? Would that mean streak come through in him? My vision blurred as heat built in my eyes.

  “I don’t want to scare you, Andy, but he’s dangerous. He isn’t on medication to help regulate his disorder. You need to be careful from here on out. If he’s set off, he could hurt you and Charlie.”

  “Charlie,” I said, voice breaking up. I looked up at him, the tears spilling over. “I need to have him seen by someone, don’t I? To make sure?”

  I couldn’t finish the question.

  He reached for my hand. “No, Andy. Charlie is a sweet, kind young boy. He has all the best parts.”

  I was nodding my head, still rocking as he handed me a tissue. After I blew my nose, I took in a long, deep breath before blowing it out.

  “She should have,” I remarked, watching Charlie running outside through the window, tossing a football back and forth with Dean.

  “What?”

  “The girl he hurt. She should have pressed charges.”

  Dad let out a pitiable sigh. “That would have benefited your case, but I know we have enough to prove he’s unfit for full custody. Hell, even unsupervised custody. Between the active restraining order, the history of diagnosed and untreated mental illness, and that he’s not actively working, there’s not a chance in hell he’ll be granted it. Not unless you went and did something reckless. Even then, judges usually try to rule in favor of the mother.”

  The knot that had been twisted in my stomach for months began to loosen a little as I nodded, eating up every one of his words. He must have sensed my anxiety, because he crossed over to my chair and pulled me into his arms.

  “Look at me, Andy.”

  I did.

  “Charlie will never be taken from you. Not as long as you stick to what I say. Okay?”

  I fell into the surety in his gaze, letting my heart fill with the hope it hadn’t tasted in so long.

  He squeezed my arm, and then kissed my forehead. “You okay?”

  I nodded, trying my hardest to pull it together. “I’m going to be.”

  He smiled. “We need to get going if we’re going to have enough daylight to setup camp and fish for our dinner. I’m going to leave it on Charlie’s shoulders to catch us something tasty.”

  “Don’t be too hard on him,” I said, a smirk trying to break free from my emotional barrier as I thought about my first camping trip when I was Charlie’s age. I was on the dock, an oil lamp burning next to me, refusing to pull my line in for the night until I caught our dinner. It wasn’t until well after the moon had risen that a healthy bass hooked onto the hot dog I’d resorted to using.

  That was the first time I ever tasted the benefits of determination.

  “Me? Hard on him?” He chortled. “That boy has more will and energy than I’m ready for. He’s going to have to take it easy on me.”

  He walked me to the door. Brushed his thumb over my chin. “Keep your head up, kiddo. Love you to the moon.”

  “To the stars,” I recited, thankful for having a dad like him.

  I smiled and watched him disappear out the back door. Once he was out of sight, I headed to my room to gather myself. I hadn’t heard from Matt since he talked to Charlie the other night. It made me wonder if he’d received the papers my father filed that showed he’d be representing me. If so, there was already something to worry about.

  Matt never could stand my father.

  And now he’d have to go up against him.

  AFTER SENDING CHARLIE OFF, I decided to take a long shower, trying to process everything Dad said. Even though he was sure everything would work out, I couldn’t get rid of the pit that had settled in my stomach. It was a feeling, and it was probably me worrying over nothing, but I felt like the worst had yet to come.

  Matt would never give up a fight until he won.

  After wrapping my hair up in a towel, I sat on my bed, staring at my phone in a blank lull. Thoughts buzzed like flies inside my mind, clashing and clanging, making it hard to decipher one from the other. I felt everything I had been denying pressing against the back of my eyelids like the sharp end of a knife. I was on the verge
of breaking down, and I needed to talk to Cami. To someone who could pull me back from the ledge.

  For ten minutes, I typed and then backspaced a message to Cami before giving up and deciding to call her. With my hand covering my eyes, I pressed the phone to my ear and waited.

  “Hey, chick,” she said the moment she answered.

  “Hey.”

  “Uh-oh.” She read my mind through my tone. “Tell me.”

  “Are you busy?”

  “Nope. Just sitting on my ass while Eric counts inventory. What’s up?”

  I scratched at my knee as I tried to think how to tell her everything my father said. There was no perfect answer. No way to get around the truth other than just saying it. “I went to my dad with the case against Matt.”

  “That’s a good thing, right?” she said, trying to keep her tone upbeat.

  I wasn’t sure why, but the sound of her voice made every bit of strength I’d built up dissolve. The tears came on fast and hard as I tried to breathe through them so I could get the words out. “He found some stuff about him, Cami.”

  “Hey,” she soothed. “Whatever it is, it will be okay, Andy.”

  It took me a second to catch my breath, but when I did, I said, “It’s bad, Cami. It’s so bad, and I’m scared. Matt… he has a restraining order against him. He domestically abused a woman, put her in the hospital, and she didn’t press charges. His family money runs that deep. He was violent in school. Expelled from multiple locations… each time, the situation was covered up by money.”

  I carried on, telling her everything I discovered in my dad’s office until there was nothing left to say. Until I was nothing but a broken bag of bones supporting a rundown heart.

  She was silent for a moment, digesting it just as much as I was. “But you and your dad know now,” she finally said, her assertive demeanor swinging into full gear. “It means you’re already one step ahead.”

  “But what about Charlie?”

  There was a brief pause. I could just imagine her on the other end, chewing on the inside of her cheek, trying to formulate the right response. “Look, I know you’re super protective and you want to shield him from the world, but Charlie is a tough kid, Andy. He’s smart. He can handle whatever is thrown his way. Who cares if his father isn’t the fairy-tale dad? You’re taking steps to ensure he’ll be protected from that. Besides, do you really think Matt would ever hurt him?”