Out of Darkness

by Ashley Hope Pérez

  Cari pushed it away. “I’m not lots of girls.”

  Naomi sighed. “Henry’s trying.” Without thinking, she had parroted the words that made her cringe inwardly every time she heard them from Muff or Pastor Tom.

  “Henry?” Cari raised her eyebrows and frowned.

  Naomi blushed. “Daddy. Daddy’s trying.”

  Beto sat pushing his tin truck back and forth. “I like my present,” he said.

  “Yeah, you would,” Cari scoffed. She imitated Beto’s excitement when he’d opened the gift. “Oh golly! A truck!” She pointed a finger at him, taunting. “Daddy’s boy.”

  “So what?” Beto said softly. He continued to roll the truck around his feet.

  “Enough, you two!” Naomi said. “Are you going to open my presents, or should I look for an orphanage nearby where there are thankful children?”

  The twins scrambled for the last packages.

  “Store-bought, and so many colors,” Cari said when she tore into her package and saw the ribbons Naomi had gotten her. “Thank you, thank you!”

  Naomi smiled. “And you, Beto?”

  Beto unwrapped his gift more slowly. The journal was small, but it had a sturdy binding like a real book. He stroked the red cover with a finger and then touched the pages inside. He didn’t say anything right off, but he didn’t need to. Naomi could see that she’d chosen well.

  “Maybe you’ll write your own encyclopedia one day,” Naomi said.

  “I like Christmas here,” Cari said, laying out her ribbons in a neat row.

  “You should,” Naomi said. It was the first time any of them had been able to buy gifts. In San Antonio, they had made their own presents or exchanged oranges and small bags of roasted pecans dusted in cinnamon sugar. This year: two presents each. They were rich.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  As they waited for Wash, Naomi and the twins huddled together against the foggy chill. The twins read the encyclopedia they had borrowed for the holidays, the first S volume (Saber to Spain). “Because it’s the biggest,” Beto explained. They did not want to run out of reading material before school started back.

  Naomi thought for a moment about getting the quilt she’d hidden in the tree, but there would be no way to explain it without giving up her hiding spot.

  Their hiding spot. Before now, she never knew she longed for anything besides the impossible return of her mother. All suffering had seemed connected to that absence, however distantly. But with Wash, want opened onto more want. Pleasure inside of an aching for more.

  “How much longer before Wash comes?” Cari whined. “It’s freezing.”

  “We can have cocoa when we go back,” Naomi said. “Get warmed up.”

  “Cocoa now...” Cari moaned. “It is sooo cold.”

  “Do you want to go home?” Naomi asked, not thinking for a moment that they would say yes.

  Beto shivered. “We do,” he whispered through chattering teeth.

  Naomi stared at Beto, then Cari. They had to be really cold. “But what about your present for Wash?”

  Cari pulled a small package out of the pocket of her plaid cape. “You give it to him, okay? Your coat is thicker.”

  “I tried to tell you,” Naomi said. She made a show of disapproval to hide her delight. “I guess I can stay...”

  “We’ll rub your feet later,” Beto volunteered. He was already up, stamping to get his circulation flowing.

  “And after that, you’ll tell us a story about Mami?” Cari added.

  “Deal,” Naomi said with a smile.

  Beto started to run, and Cari turned to follow him.

  “Wait!” Naomi called. They spun around. “No cocoa until I get home, okay? I don’t want you lighting the stovetop. And be careful when you turn on the heaters.”

  “Yes, ma’am!” the twins called back, running faster.

  When they were out of sight, Naomi walked up the path and slid into the tree. Their tree. Wash would know to look for her when he came. She stood up inside, wrapped herself in the blanket, and snuggled down to wait. His touch was all she wanted; everything else was extra.

  NAOMI & WASH Naomi felt Wash slip into the tree. “Hi,” she said, opening her eyes. “Merry Christmas.”

  He leaned down to kiss her. “Mmm. Merry Christmas. What’d you do with the critters?”

  She wriggled out of the blanket and wrapped it around the two of them. “They were so cold while we were waiting, they wanted to go home. I can’t say that I mind having you to myself.”

  “Ah,” he said, “I like the sound of that. I have presents for them, something that I made.”

  “They’ll be thrilled.”

  “Let Beto pick first, okay?”

  She nodded. “They sent you a gift, too. I don’t know what it is, though.” She burrowed into her coat pocket for the little package.

  He unwrapped a hollow wooden ball with a loop of string attached on one side. He slid out of the blanket and squinted at it in the gray winter light. “Want to get a better look?” he asked.

  They ducked out of the tree and saw that the twins had painted the Christmas ornament all over with tiny brushstrokes. The scene was of a river and lots of trees. Their woods. And standing in front were four figures, holding hands. Cari and Beto were in the middle, painted that odd peachy color that meant “white.” On one side, there was a light brown girl. On the other, a darker brown boy.

  Back inside the tree, Wash held Naomi tight. He felt his heart might burst. A thing bigger than desire was in him.

  “Like a family.” Naomi breathed the words into the hollow of his neck.

  “They can’t know,” he said.

  She pulled back so that she could see his eyes. “About us? This? No. But they know that I love them, and they know that you love them.”

  He brought her close again. For a moment, he let himself imagine what it might be like to be a family. He pictured framing out a little cabin with Beto working by his side. It would be deep in the woods, a lost place. So far away that no one would find them. Ever.

  He pulled a nail from his pocket, reached up, and twisted it into the soft, crumbling wood of the tree. He lifted the ornament by its loop and hung it there. A few bits of tree flaked off and fell on them.

  Wash brushed the debris from Naomi’s hair. “It’s called heart rot, did you know that? What happens to a tree when it gets hollowed out.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “Cari and Beto read about it from the encyclopedia.” He rested his chin on the top of her head. “Here,” he said and put something in her hand.

  Now she knew why he had made a game of tying string around each of her fingers when she saw him the week before. She moved her finger slowly over the smooth inside of the ring. Then she traced the outside, which was carved with what felt like tiny hatch marks. “Another look,” she said, and she squatted down to look at the ring in the brighter light from outside the tree.

  “Birds,” she said. She touched each of the small Vs.

  He had carved each one as a wish for lightness, for freedom. Feelings he wanted to give her. Feelings that she gave him.

  He took it from her and slipped it onto the ring finger of her left hand. The gesture brought her longing coupled with despair. They couldn’t have that, not in this world, no matter how much they loved each other.

  “Wash,” she said simply, and he understood.

  “I know you can’t wear it when you’re out. But when we’re here ... And you could carry it with you. If you wanted.”

  “I love it.” She walked her fingers up the back of his neck.

  He undid the bit of string that held her braid and slid his fingers through the silky strands until it fell down over her shoulders. “So beautiful,” he whispered. She trembled, letting her hands fall to his arms. Her back arched a little as his fingers climbed the front of her dress. He touched each button carefully between thumb and forefinger, starting at her waist. “What’s here?” he asked, tracing a slight bulge between
her breasts.

  Naomi blushed for the first time inside the tree. “Something for you,” she said. “Hold on.” She turned away, meaning to get it out herself. Suddenly the game she had planned seemed crude, not sweet and playful as she’d imagined it.

  “Wait.” He twined his fingers through hers and leaned close. His breath was warm on her neck, and she could almost feel his lips. “Did you hide something for me to find?”

  “Yes, but...” She hid her face. “I can’t ... Now I feel...”

  “Nope,” he said, lifting her chin with a finger. “Don’t even say it. If there is one thing you’re not, at least inside this tree, it’s shy.”

  “I’m fast, then?” she blurted out.

  “No,” he said, “you are bold, and I love it. I love it about you, Naomi. Do you hear me?” He tilted her face toward him.

  “I hear you,” she whispered.

  He undid the buttons of her dress until he could slide a hand inside the top of her slip. There was a small roll of fabric nestled warm and tight there. He leaned over her and tugged it free with his teeth. When he had it, she could feel him smiling mischief at her. “What do you say I save this and keep looking to see what other treasures I can find?” He nuzzled her neck and kissed her behind the ear. He smelled of wood and pepper.

  She exhaled slowly and buttoned her dress back up with shaky fingers. “It’s not as beautiful as the ring, but I did make it for you.”

  It was a linen handkerchief with a scalloped edge and a line of embroidery all the way around. In the corner was a cursive capital W. She had studied the twins’ penmanship notebooks to make sure she got it right.

  “Thank you, Naomi,” he said.

  They held each other tight. The hunger between them grew fierce. But it was Christmas, and they both had to get back, so they pocketed their presents and said good-bye.

  BETO Back at home, Beto and Cari sat by the heater in the bedroom and waited for Naomi to come. Beto spun the wheels on the truck, and Cari folded her ribbons. When she was done, she picked up her doll, then dropped it with a sigh by the side of the bed she shared with Naomi. Her eyes were fixed on the guitar case under the bed.

  “Don’t,” he warned.

  “I’m not doing anything,” she said, but he could tell she knew what he meant.

  Beto picked up the small red book Naomi had given him. “Cari,” he whispered, “come here.” He handed her the notebook. “Does this seem heavy to you?”

  She balanced the book on her palm. “No,” she said, “but maybe I’m stronger than you.” She was, Beto knew, but that wasn’t it.

  He took the book back. There it was again, that strange weight.

  Not good.

  Not bad.

  Powerful.

  NAOMI Naomi spent the days before New Year’s Eve making herself a dress. She thought about saving some of the yellow fabric to make an Easter dress for Cari, but Cari said she absolutely did not want to match. And so Naomi gave herself permission to be extravagant with the cloth. She planned a full skirt with two layers and a broad waistband. And she would sew in a pocket. She wanted to make sure that she had a place to put Wash’s ring.

  The more she worked on the dress, the better she felt about it. She was finishing the project on New Year’s Eve when Edgar stalked in and began to paw at the skirt of the dress. Naomi looked up and saw Beto in the doorway.

  “Oh,” she said. “I thought you and Cari went to get firecrackers with Katie and Jean.”

  “Edgar didn’t like the Black Cats,” he said.

  “I don’t need her putting holes in anything with those claws,” she said.

  “Don’t wear it,” Beto blurted out.

  “Pardon?”

  “That dress. I’ve got a bad feeling about it. Just ... throw it all away.” Beto gestured at the last of the carefully pinned pieces of cloth waiting to be stitched together.

  “Throw it away! Of course not. You know very well that that would be rude and ungrateful. And anyway, I have to make a dress for one of my classes. This is homework.”

  Beto’s shoulders slumped.

  “Go play,” she said. “There’ll be some good treats at the party tonight.” The church was having a potluck dinner and bonfire to celebrate the New Year. The gathering was intended as a wholesome alternative to rowdier festivities for the night, and she hoped she could make sure that Henry attended.

  Beto stalled. “Can I help make something?”

  Henry came up in the hallway behind him then. “Cooking is women’s work, same as sewing. Act like a man, Robbie. Go outside and get your hands dirty. You don’t start toughening up, I might have to drown that cat of yours.”

  The blood drained from Beto’s face, and he rushed to pick up Edgar. “Going fishing,” he called shakily. A moment later, the screen door clattered behind him.

  Naomi opened her mouth to tell Henry that he had been too harsh, then she stopped herself. For all she knew, it took more toughness than a woman could manage to help a boy grow up. She went back to work, but she could feel Henry standing there, watching her. She heard him open his cigarette case and strike a match.

  “Want one?” he asked her, holding the case out in her direction.

  She shook her head. “Thanks, anyway.” Still, the offer made her feel strangely proud, like her adulthood had registered to him. Like he had noticed how much she did to keep things running for him and the twins. Or maybe he’d already been drinking and was in the friendly stage of intoxication.

  “You’re going to look real pretty in that,” Henry said, nodding at the pieces of the dress. Then he went off toward the kitchen.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  At the bonfire, Naomi saw Tommie and Dwayne Stark holding hands, and she smiled. Tommie had told her that all she wanted for Christmas was for Dwayne to ask her out. When Dwayne rested his chin on top of Tommie’s head, she looked up at him with the sweetest smile. For once, Tommie wasn’t talking.

  “Hi, stranger,” Gilbert said. He handed her a metal rod and then slid a marshmallow onto the end.

  “Hello,” she mumbled. She stared intently at her marshmallow, holding it outside the lower flames to avoid blackening it. She used her left hand to hold the rod and kept her right arm behind her. The burn was mostly healed, but echoes of the pain came back if she got too close to heat.

  Gilbert stood close beside her. “Too bad you got that pretty new coat. Now you don’t need my jacket,” he said. “Did you see Tommie and Dwayne? They make a swell couple.”

  She smiled. “They sure do.”

  “We would, too,” he said softly. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

  There was a long pause while Naomi tried to think of some way of moving the conversation away from this notion. “You could have any girl you want,” she said.

  “You’re the one I want, though,” he said. His voice was low, and the flickering firelight played across his tan cheeks.

  “Surely not,” she said. She felt herself stiffen, and it was all she could do not to back away and run.

  “Don’t you know how pretty you are?”

  “You know I’m ... not like other girls here.”

  “You’re good as anybody!” he said, his voice rising a little. “Sure, some people have their ideas, but where you’re from don’t bother me none. Nothing wrong with being Mexican. And anyway, my pa always said it’s a man’s job to bring his woman up a bit.”

  Naomi bit her tongue; she knew he meant to be kind. “I can’t,” she said finally.

  “How come? You ain’t seeing anybody else, are you?”

  “What difference does it make?” Naomi asked, dodging his question to avoid an outright lie. “It’s not enough for you to like me.”

  “Oh.” His face fell. “You mean you don’t like me. Sure, I understand.” He nodded slowly and stepped back.

  “It’s not that,” she said quickly. “I like you, but not that way. Let’s be friends.”

  He laughed. “That excuse is more used
than a box of Ivory flakes on wash day.”

  She shrugged. “I’m not like everybody else,” she said again. Her left hand disappeared into the pocket of her skirt, and she ran her finger in rapid circles around the birds on her ring. Wash, Wash, Wash.

  “Friends, then,” Gil said, a touch of bitterness in his voice.

  “Friends,” she said.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  It was a quarter till midnight before Naomi could get away from the bonfire. She raced from the church, following the edge of the river. When the land started to rise, she cut sharply to the north. She needed to hurry if she was going to make it in time. She got to the top of the hill and scanned the area as she caught her breath. A moment later, she saw movement in the bushes, but it was only a small covey of bobwhites startled from their roost.

  She had come across the huge magnolia tree while out on a walk with the twins the week before. The tree’s thick limbs draped all the way to the ground, forming a kind of low-ceilinged room surrounded by the waxy evergreen leaves. The branches were strong all the way up into the crown of the tree, which stretched fifty or sixty feet into the sky. The twins had begged her to help them climb it, so she’d pointed out the footholds and handholds all the way up.

  Now, her hands itched to find their way up again. She untied the yellow ribbon Cari had put in her hair and draped it on a low branch so Wash would know that she was in the tree. She wanted to share this view with him, and their regular spot was too far from the church for her to manage a meeting. He’d promised to come at midnight if he could get away.

  She made her way up the tree, working carefully to avoid snagging her new dress. The view from the top was even more breathtaking at night. She could see the county laid out across the hills. There was the Baptist church, its steeple partly illuminated by the high flames of the bonfire. She could see lights on in the Humble camp and in houses scattered here and there in clearings. The moon was reflected in the Sabine for a moment, then heavy clouds darkened the sky again. In distant clearings, firecrackers went off. Across the landscape flares burned bright blue and gold as far as she could see.