"It's true!" Christie shouted.
We calmed and Jen sat on my other side, sprawled out. The three of us rested our heads on the back of the couch and gazed up at the ceiling. None of us moved until the smell of something delicious hit my nose, making my head pop up.
"Sushi," Jen informed me before taking a considerable gulp of her wine. "It's one of those nights."
"Oh, don't even get me started on the sushi," Christie fumed. "Gary tried to tell me I wasn't supposed to eat it. I can eat some of it, but nooooo!" She leered at my glass of wine and licked her lips. "I can handle giving up a few things. Not that. I love the man, but if he tries to stop me from eating sushi again, I'll punch him in the wiener schnitzel."
Jen was taking another gulp of wine as Christie ranted, but it didn't stay in her mouth very long. Wine sprayed all over the coffee table and the hilarity of the moment was so flawless, we all would have fallen over if it wasn't for the couch.
Keara's laughter only made it worse. She snorted, making the rest of us snort until laughter was no longer possible. It just turned into a struggle to breathe.
A few minutes later, Keara was cleaning up the coffee table, her lingering laughter making us all smile.
"I'll get more wine," she sang and pointed at Jen. "You get the sushi out here."
The next two hours were spent with lots of wine, even more sushi, newlywed-sex talk, a sappy movie that made the four of us tear up, and a reminder that even when I was alone, I wasn't.
These were the kind of friends a girl needed in her life. Desperately. The kind of friends that would punch a bitch in the face for saying a few mean words about the other. Finding them wouldn't have been possible any other way.
I spent a while staring at Christie's ever-growing belly, feeling the kicks and twists while Christie struggled to hold her bladder. I remembered that feeling. Like someone was sitting on my bladder. Well, I guess someone really was.
Jen kept pouring more wine and I could barely move by the time the movie was finished. Keara only had a glass or two and stopped before the movie even started so she could drive us back to my parents.
The night was still young, but Jen needed to get home to Mike, and Christie – who looked ready to pass out – was her ride home.
We said our goodbyes, promising to get together again soon. I cleaned up while Keara packed an overnight bag and by the time we got to my house, we were both struggling to keep our eyes open.
I discretely glanced over at Merrick's house and saw all the lights off. Not that he would have turned them on, but there was no way he would be back already. Not when Emma had all her kids there.
"Is Merrick home?" Keara sang, bumping me with her elbow.
I shook my head. "He's with his family tonight. I bet he'll stay the night there, actually. He especially hates being on the road at night."
Keara and I sprawled out on my bed and sighed.
I glanced at the clock and 9:30 PM blinked back at me in bright, neon green digits.
"Wow, we're lame," I snorted.
"We're adults now. Nine thirty is like midnight on the worst day of my life," Keara mumbled into the pillow.
"You don't have bad days, do you?" I asked, attempting to run my fingers through the knots in my hair.
"Everyone has bad days, Grace. It's part of being human. Hell, it's part of being alive."
The lightness I had been feeling all night started to weigh down. Heavier and heavier until my chest couldn't rise and my shoulders ached from the burdens they carried.
"And if there are more bad days than good? What then?"
Keara turned on her side and gazed at me with her all knowing grey eyes. Her expression gave nothing away and a few seconds passed before I finally looked away.
"The bad prepares us for the good. Even when it doesn't feel like it ever goes away. We just have to keep pushing through it."
"How?"
"I don't know, sweetie. I just know that God will never give us more than we can handle. So whatever hardships stand in front of us, we just have to remember that we can make it through. One step at a time."
The tears fell before I could even blink, but Keara was there, wiping them away as I took a ragged breath. The enormity of what I went through ... it was too much. Maybe God hadn't read me right when he was dishing out the shit. Maybe he accidently gave me too much and didn't realize I'd try to fake my way through it until it killed me.
"Why?" I growled as the breaths stirred the anger inside of me. "Why her? Why take her away from me?"
Keara's eyes widened as they welled with tears. "I don't know, Grace," she whispered.
The twisting pain in my chest finally released, and with it, came the waves of desperation I'd felt in that hospital room and for many days after. It took my breath away. Over and over, it fractured through me, tearing apart all the pieces I thought I had put back together.
"Get it out, Grace. Let me carry some of it."
I sobbed into my pillow. Loud, ugly sobs that would crack my ribs if they were any more violent. It all came back, like a flood filling the empty roads in my mind, bringing with it all the things no one wanted to see.
"I wanted her, Keara. I wanted her more than anything."
"I know, Grace. I know you did."
Her fingers softly drifted through my hair and she waited. She waited for me to tear my broken heart out of my chest and show her all the cracks and missing pieces, the ones I couldn't hold together any longer. The ones that had died when I lost my baby.
"The pain ... it was like having my insides ripped out. I hadn't felt her move all day and all of a sudden it felt like a knife in my back." The pain was unbearable. I remembered it vividly; it was terrifying. "Jason didn't answer the phone so I drove to the hospital by myself."
Her fingers constricted, pressing into my scalp as anger swept through her. I knew she was angry, because I was angry.
"Every contraction was a struggle, like my insides didn't fit inside of me anymore and everything was trying to force its way out. I could hardly breathe and I couldn't control the car. I almost crashed a few times because they were getting so bad, so I drove slow. So fucking slow! I was scared of what it meant, so scared that I considered turning around and going back home," I admitted. "But I didn't know what was happening. I just thought she was coming early and the only thing I wanted to think about was that I was finally going to see her. To hold her."
I looked up to see Keara crying right along with me. If she'd been there, if I hadn't been such an awful friend, she would have driven me to the hospital. She would have helped me breathe through the pain. She would have gotten me there sooner and maybe – just maybe – things would have been different. She would have held my hand when the doctor told me to push and she would have cried with me when ...
"I held her in my arms, Keara. She was already gone, but I held her tiny body against my chest and she was beautiful. Warm and soft. And she was gone. My daughter, my baby girl. She was gone and all I could do was cry."
Keara's arms came around me and I buried my face in her shoulder, sucking in deep breaths before letting them out with more tears.
"I just cried for her. I didn't know what else to do. I was alone in a cold room surrounded by strangers. They didn't say a word to me. They just watched me lose her."
"Grace ..."
"Do you know what it's like to actually lose a piece of yourself?" I pulled away, my cheeks wet with the hot tears that I'd held back for so long. They said it was time to let her go. They yanked her out of my arms and that was it."
I lost it then. The racking sobs came all at once and the year of agony and loneliness seeped out of every pore in my skin. The heavy darkness I'd left behind had followed me every step of the way, waiting for this moment. Waiting to surround me again.
I don't remember what happened next. Just that I was tired and the ache from remembering that day was as strong as ever. But I had someone with me this time. Keara held onto me until I fell asleep
and she stayed by my side until I woke in the morning.
I didn't dream. I didn't wake once throughout the night. My mind didn't let me come back to reality until I was ready.
And when I woke the next morning to see the sun shining through my open window, I felt different. I'd let some of it go and even though I still longed for my baby, the burden was a little lighter.
Chapter Twelve
Merrick
Grace lost her child.
I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
I should have been worried about eavesdropping on such a private conversation. It was obvious Grace had never truly shared what she went through. Keara was her best friend. How did she never know the storm brewing in Grace's mind this whole time?
And for me to invade the moment she finally gave up a little of her burden; I really was an asshole.
I spent most of that night trying not to think about how it must have felt for her to lose her daughter. I didn't sleep. The need to be there for her, to comfort her, was just too strong.
Now it all made sense.
The suffering I could feel in Grace, the loneliness she tried to hide with everyone else. Maybe she'd let her guard down because I was just the blind man she was taking care of, but I knew it was another connection. Something meant for me. If anyone could understand that kind of pain ...
"Merrick? I'm here."
Grace's footsteps moved swiftly down the hallway and into the kitchen. I stayed seated at the table, keeping a neutral expression. Pity was the last thing she needed to see.
"Good morning. Sorry I'm late. Keara stayed the night since Josh got called in and I think I had a little too much wine."
Her voice was light, an obvious smile in her words. Was she faking it like she did so well, or did she truly feel better?
"Good morning," I mumbled, clearing my throat when the roughness surprised even me. "Don't worry about it."
"You look pretty beat. What time did you get home last night from your parent's?"
She moved into the chair across from me, and that sweet smell she owned, hit my nose. I drew in a long breath and savored it.
Don't be creepy.
Rubbing my sweating hands on my thighs, I cleared my throat again. What was the question? The time I got home. Shit. What time was it when she was talking to Keara?
"Umm, not sure. Late. I hit the sack almost immediately."
"How did it go?"
Dad's words slid through my mind. Use it. The things my father said to me were like a light switch, turning on something inside me. Fear was never allowed to guide my decisions. Not until recently. It was time to grab life by the balls again.
"It was really good," I smiled.
"Well, I hope you're ready for today. I found some new exercises I want you to try out. I think they'll help with that stiffness you've had in your thigh."
Stiffness. God, I'd played that off for the last week and thought she decided to give up on it. The stiffness wasn't in my thigh, but it was the only explanation I had to physically hide how much she affected me.
I just nodded my head and curled my lips into a grin. "Sounds great."
She didn't say anything for a full minute, then I heard her sigh and stand. "Have you eaten yet?"
"No, I wasn't really hungry."
"Well, I'm starving. I'm making pancakes and eggs. Oh, and bacon."
My stomach rumbled loudly, making her snicker.
"I bet you're hungry now, huh?"
I listened to her move around the kitchen, guessing exactly where she was every time she moved. It was a game we'd started playing a couple weeks before. Something to help me pass the time and keep me aware of everything around me.
I didn't realize it at the time, but the game helped ground me more than being able to walk. That feeling of helplessness lessened each day. My ability to stay alert to what was happening around me helped with the shakiness I'd experienced early on. I didn't feel like I was locked up in the dark anymore.
Grace moved again, her steps light. She was humming today.
"You seem cheery," I pointed out. "Stove."
"Right," she confirmed and moved a pan onto another burner. Those sounds were becoming more and more familiar to me. "I slept well for the first time in a long time. I feel a lot lighter today. Fresher."
"Good. Any particular reason?"
She moved again. "Not really."
"Sink."
The water turned on and I gave myself a mental pat on the back. That one was difficult since it was so close to the stove.
"Right. You're getting really good at this."
"I've learned to listen." In more ways than one.
Minutes passed and she shut the water off and moved again.
"Counter."
"Which side?"
My mind flew through the categories of sound I had stored away. Distance, volume, whether or not it sounded like she was behind the counter by the fridge or in front of it, closer to the stove. "Fridge?"
"Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner."
I smiled and shook my head. "You're on one today. You must be feeling good."
"Why do you care so much about how I'm feeling?" she asked.
I shrugged my shoulders and tapped my fingers on the table, a nervous tick I'd somehow developed when I was around her. "No reason."
"Well, since you look exhausted, I'll let it go for now."
She moved across the kitchen and the sound of glass clinking together reached my ears. "Island."
"Right. So, tell me why you look like you didn't sleep a wink last night. Did you have a nightmare?"
Grace tried to get me to talk about my dreams; the ones that woke me so violently. She heard them. Hell, she nearly experienced them with how close we actually were to each other when we slept.
"Actually, I didn't sleep much at all."
"I thought you hit the sack when you got home."
"I did."
"Then why didn't you sleep?"
"I just didn't," I replied a little too harshly. My neck strained when I dropped my head forward. The guilt must have been plastered all over my face at this point, but she didn't acknowledge it.
She moved, her footsteps getting a little closer. "Where am I now, Merrick?"
My ears perked, sensitive to every movement of her clothes and the sound of her breathing. "Past the island."
"Mmhmm, and now?"
I swallowed, my fingers tapping a little faster on the smooth surface of the table. "Closer."
Her sweet vanilla scent lingered beneath the smell of the bacon and the pancakes she must have been carrying.
"And now?"
She was right beside me. Her warmth spread across my shoulder and neck, and my fingers suddenly froze. Without thinking, I lifted my arm and found hers, wrapping my fingers around her slender wrist. She set the plates down on the table and stayed there, not pulling away like I expected her to. Letting me touch her. Her breaths quickened as mine did, and it took all I had not to yank her against me.
Knowing my luck, we'd smack foreheads and that would end the moment completely.
"I didn't sleep, because I was thinking about you."
"About me?" she quaked.
"I was thinking about ..."
I stopped, trailing off and finally coming to my senses. Who cared why she was feeling happy today? She was having a good day. I wasn't going to darken that by bringing up what I heard through that window.
"I was thinking about maybe going out today. Getting out of the house."
"You were?"
"Yeah, I want to go somewhere with you. Anywhere."
My fingers were still wrapped around her wrist and the pregnant pause made me release her.
"Okay. Let's do it."
I couldn't stop the dirty thoughts that came to my mind. A grin pulled my lips up, and I quirked an eyebrow.
"I mean– shit. Why does that always happen?" she grumbled.
I threw my head back and laughed. That deep laugh
that works the stomach and rises up through the chest. The kind that makes all your worries disappear.
Grace couldn't hide anything from me these days. I knew, without a doubt, she wore her emotions on her sleeve. Her face must tell people everything.
Then how? How did no one know what she went through?
The nightmares Grace was always so worried about were nothing compared to the anguish she was feeling.
How did I not know?
Because Grace handled life with ... well, grace. She was strength and hope all in one, and even with the weight of loss so freshly on her shoulders, she found the ability to bring light to a man that could have cared less in the beginning.
A man that would blindly give her anything now.
"Where should we go?" she asked as we dug into our breakfast.
"Where do you like to go?"
"Well, anywhere I can think of is too far."
"Why?"
"You don't like being in the car, so I don't want to make you–"
I raised my hand in front of me and shook my head. "No. Anywhere. I can handle it today."
I took another bite of food, closing my eyes and chewing slowly. She really was an amazing cook. Pancakes weren't supposed to taste that good.
"Let's go to lunch then. There's an awesome sushi restaurant in Ogden. We can get it to go, then drive up the canyon. I know a place we can just sit and relax. Since it's getting kind of chilly outside, we'll need our jackets."
I'd never had sushi before, and the thought made my stomach turn. Raw fish just wasn't for me.
Didn't stop me.
Not today.
"Sounds like a plan."
***
I was scared. Terrified, in fact.
What was in the takeout box in front of me ... well, if I could see it, I know it would look suspicious.
"I don't think you could look anymore disgusted," Grace said with a laugh.
"I'm not sure that I was prepared for this. I normally don't eat raw fish."
"Well, what you've got there isn't raw. In fact, it's deep fried. You'll love it, I promise."
"If you say so."
I didn't want to make her think I was doing this just for her, even though I was. Never thought I'd be eating fish rolled in rice and seaweed, on a picnic bench, at a rest stop in the middle of a canyon. The sound of rushing water from the Weber River made the whole thing kind of ... peaceful.
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