by Rhonda Bowen
Another sigh, another long look, and he turned and headed back down the hallway.
“Simon.”
He stopped. Closed his eyes for a moment then turned around slowly.
“It was a couple hours in an elevator,” she said calmly. “It takes more than that to know a person.”
He lifted his arms and let them drop to his sides again. “Maybe,” he said with a shrug. “But sometimes a couple hours tells you a whole lot.”
Several emotions that he couldn’t read swept across her face. He tried to figure them out, but she was right. He didn’t know her that well. So he just stared. This time she was the first to walk away. When she did, Simon couldn’t help but think that unlike their first time alone together, this time he had done more harm than good.
Chapter 8
June came in like a beast, and it was taking everything in JJ just to survive.
With rehearsal for Jayla’s tour six days a week and her backlog of orders at the shop, JJ barely had time to take a bathroom break, much less sleep and spend time with her family. She probably wouldn’t even see Rayshawn if he wasn’t managing half her life for her. Add to that the adjustment of making time for Sheree’s medical needs, and most of JJ’s days had begun to run into each other. She didn’t mind helping with Sheree, though. Her schedule, though packed, was usually more flexible than her sisters’. And once she went on tour she wouldn’t be able to help at all, so she might as well do as much as she could now.
She was coming off another one of her run-on days when she found herself stumbling up the steps to her home during the early hours of the morning. She yelped as she banged her toe against the planter near the door. She cursed herself for not remembering it was there, even though it had sat in the same spot for almost twenty years. But the truth was, she was so tired she was surprised she even remembered her address.
“Had a good time at your sleepover?”
JJ had barely caught her bearings after coming through the front door when she noticed Sydney sitting in the living room. A faint light from the kitchen cast a strange glow on the living room, clouding her sister’s face in shadows. But she didn’t need to see Sydney’s face to know how ticked off she was. The edge in her voice was enough.
“What are you talking about, Sydney?” JJ asked, though she wasn’t really that interested. She had spent her whole day in rehearsal and most of her evening at the hospital with Sheree, enduring another awkward encounter with Dr. Massri. After squeezing in a late dinner with Rayshawn, she had gone back to the shop, where she had spent the last seven hours hunched over a sewing machine. All she wanted now was to crawl into bed. Not even a shower would take precedence over some shuteye at this point.
“I’m talking about the fact that it’s four-fifteen a.m. and you’re just crawling into the house,” Sydney said. “Is this going to be a regular thing now? You spending the whole night out?”
“Sydney, I would really love to have this conversation with you,” JJ said, leaning against the door frame as she pulled off one shoe. “But right now, I can barely think straight.”
“Yeah,” Sydney said. “I’m guessing a couple hours of sleep will be enough to help you get your lies in order.”
A couple hours of sleep would be a luxury she likely couldn’t afford anytime soon. But her sister wouldn’t understand that.
“Okay, fine, Sydney,” JJ said, tossing her shoes into the closet by the door. “Since I apparently have reverted to sixteen years old and you apparently have transformed into my mother, I guess you need to know where I’ve been all night. I was at the shop, working on bridesmaid dresses. You happy? For heaven’s sake . . .”
“Wow. I can’t believe you could just stand there and lie to me.” Sydney was standing now, and in the light JJ could see the fatigue and frustration on her sister’s face. What was going on?
JJ’s mouth fell open. “What?”
“And after everything we went through together last year, JJ,” Sydney began. She shook her head. “I supported your music career before anyone even knew what you were doing. I never judged you for it and I kept it a secret for as long as you asked me to. And now you turn around and lie to me? I thought you knew you could trust me.”
“Sydney . . .”
“How could you, JJ?”
“I’m not lying!”
“I saw you!”
“Saw me where?” JJ asked, her eyes barely open. “In the back room? Pricking my fingers on needles in the dark?”
“No, at The Grove, last night.”
Oh no.
JJ’s mouth opened but then closed.
“Nothing to say now, right?” Sydney asked. “Imagine my speechlessness last night when I look up from my meal to see my little sister across the room, practically sitting on the lap of some guy I’ve never met.”
She had seen them. Seen her with Rayshawn. JJ couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t believe this was happening. What were the odds that she and Rayshawn would end up in the same restaurant as Sydney, on a weeknight? She hadn’t even wanted to go to The Grove. She was tired from a day of being on her feet and had ended up dozing on Rayshawn’s shoulder while they waited for their food. That must have been when Sydney saw them. She was so stupid. How could she have been that careless?
“Hayden wanted us to go over, but I couldn’t,” Sydney continued. “What was I supposed to say? Hi, I’m JJ’s sister, nice to meet you, man-my-sister-obviously-knows-very-well-but-hasn’t-thought-of-introdcing-me-to?”
“Sydney it’s not like that . . .”
“And so I come home and decide to talk to you when you get home, because I’m thinking, maybe she’s afraid to introduce me to him because she thinks I won’t like him, thinks I’ll be too judgmental,” Sydney says. “Except you don’t come home, JJ. All night.”
JJ sank into the loveseat close to the entrance and closed her eyes. She knew exactly what her sister was thinking. And really, she couldn’t blame her. If the tables were turned, she would think the same thing.
“I’m not sleeping with him, Sydney,” JJ said quietly, her eyes still closed.
Sydney shook her head. “You know, maybe if this was a year ago, even six months ago, I would believe you. But this woman, sitting here in front of me—the one coming in at all hours, hanging out with strange men I’ve never met, lying about where she’s been—I don’t know who she is, and I don’t know what to believe. I used to be so proud of you, JJ. You were my rock. The one I could count on to pull me back from the edge when I went too far. But now, now I don’t even know who you are.”
JJ’s eyes burned as her sister’s words slashed at her heart.
“I am exactly who I always was,” JJ said defensively. “Except now, I’ve decided to have a life of my own instead of living in the shadow of my sisters’ lives.”
“And this life of your own that you’re having, are you proud of it? ’Cause maybe the fact that you have to sneak around to have it should tell you something.”
“I am not sneaking around!”
“So why do I have to find out about this by accident, JJ?” Sydney asked. “Is this the guy you were with in Alberta? Have you been sleeping with him since then?”
“Are you even listening to me?” JJ almost screamed. “I am not sleeping with him! And even if I was, is this the way you would treat me? What kind of hypocrisy is that? Lissandra spends her life doing whatever she wants with whomever she wants and you don’t bat an eye, but you’re all geared up to stone me over this one guy? This is exactly why I never brought Rayshawn around. I knew you would be like this.”
“That’s not fair,” Sydney shot back. “You never gave me a chance to have an opinion because you hid all of it from me. And why was that? If you’re not having sex with him and you’re not sneaking around, what are you so ashamed of? He doesn’t look twenty years older than you. Is he married? Have kids? Unbeliever?”
JJ’s gaze tripped away as her sister stumbled onto the truth. Sydney stepped closer, peering at JJ.
“That’s it, isn’t it?” Sydney said. She shook her head. “What are you doing? This is not who you are. I know you. Your faith is the most important thing to you. How can you be with someone who doesn’t share that? The two of you can’t possibly be on the same page.”
“You don’t know anything about me and Rayshawn,” JJ said, looking up. “He understands me, sees me. I can be who I want to be with him, and it’s okay. And he believes in me.”
“I believe in you, JJ.”
“Not like that,” JJ said, shaking her head. “You believe in me because you’re my sister and you’re supposed to. But it’s more than that with him. He sees what I could be, sometimes more clearly than I can. And he cares about me, Sydney. Really cares about me. I’ve waited so long for that. For someone to choose to love me. Do you have any idea what it feels like to wait for that? To do all the right things and walk the line everyone says you should, only to watch that happen for everyone around you and not see it come your way?”
“Yes, I do,” Sydney said. “It wasn’t too long ago that I was exactly where you were. And then Hayden came. And I knew he was who God meant for me. But this relationship, JJ, this man, no matter how wonderful he is, can’t be who God meant for you. Not now. Not like this.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” JJ said. “With your engagement ring weighing down your left hand.”
“It might seem that way, but haven’t you learned anything from our mother’s own history? Three marriages. None worked. And now she’s alone again.”
“Yes, Sydney, you’re right,” JJ said. “Three marriages, to three men who claimed to be believers. And look how well that turned out for her.”
“That doesn’t make this right—”
“For Pete’s sake, Sydney, can’t you just be happy for me?” JJ stood up. “Can’t you just say, ‘I hope you’re happy. I hope this works out. I love you, JJ.’?”
“You know I love you,” Sydney said sadly. “And I know you might feel happy now, but this thing is not going to work out, no matter how hard any of us hope and wish for it. Because either this man is going to break your heart or he’s going to turn you into someone you’re not—someone who loses that one true relationship that has kept her going for years. And the sad thing about it is that I can tell that it’s already started to happen.”
“You know what?” JJ returned to the entryway and grabbed the shoes she had just abandoned. “I don’t need to listen to this anymore.”
“JJ . . .”
“I always thought this place, this house, would be a safe place for me.” She pulled on one shoe. “A place where I could be myself. Where I could feel comfortable no matter how right or wrong anyone thought my decisions were.”
“You can, JJ,” Sydney said, moving toward the door. “Please don’t leave.”
But JJ knew she couldn’t stay. She already had her mother’s judgment weighing down on her. She knew her sister would never be okay with her relationship with Rayshawn. But she thought that at the very least her sister would be there for her in spite of it, just like JJ had been there for Sydney when she had been dealing with her own confusion only a year ago. But it seemed like that was too much to ask.
“JJ, please.” Sydney’s hand clasped her upper arm, and JJ cringed and pushed back tears before pulling away.
“I have to go.”
Then, before she could break down, she slipped through the front door and hurried down the front walk to her car. She had to get out of there.
She made it across the city in less than twenty minutes. When she rang the doorbell at her destination, it didn’t take long for someone to respond.
“Hey, can I stay here for a bit?”
Rayshawn swung the door open wider and welcomed her in. “You never have to ask.”
Chapter 9
JJ stepped inside the dark living room and dropped her purse and keys in the chair near the entryway.
“Babe, what’s wrong?” Rayshawn asked, concern filling his voice. He reached for the lights, but JJ grabbed his hand before he could switch them on.
“No, don’t,” she said, her voice muffled with tears. “Just please. Leave them off.”
“Babe, you’re worrying me,” he said, pulling her into his arms, pushing her hair away from her face. “Talk to me, please.”
Even through the slivers of moonlight stealing between the curtains, JJ could see the concern in his eyes. The affection there. How long had it been since someone had looked at her like that? Without judgment, without need, without expectation. Just looked at her, like no matter who she was or chose to be, it would be okay. What had happened to all the people she used to be able to count on for that?
JJ couldn’t talk anymore. She had talked enough for the night. She was tired of talking; of thinking. Instead she buried herself in Rayshawn’s arms and wished it to all go away. And when he kissed the top of her head gently, she lifted her face and returned the affection with a kiss to his lips.
And then he was kissing her, parting her lips gently with his, drawing her into him with every caress of his mouth. JJ couldn’t resist the sensation, didn’t want to stop his hands as they traced a path down her back, slipped under her shirt to stroke her flushed skin beneath. The argument with Sydney had turned a bad day into a terrible one. And that just topped the ongoing conflict with her mother and the unexplained guilt she felt for disappointing Simon Massri, a man she had met only once in her life. Nothing in her life seemed to be coming together the way she wanted it to, but this moment felt good. This moment with Rayshawn, who had been with her through all of it; who understood her more than her family or friends; who wanted her—who wanted to be with her—who had chosen her. This moment with this man was enough.
And so when he lifted the hem of her shirt and slipped it over her head, she let him. And when his fingers began to undo the buttons on her jeans, she didn’t stop him. And when his hands hooked under her thighs, easily lifting her off the floor and up the stairs, she wrapped her arms around his neck and let it happen. Because that early morning, in that moment, when everyone else in her world had tossed her aside and rejected her, there was still one man who wanted her.
And never had it felt so good to be wanted.
The ceiling fan whirring overhead was the first clue to JJ that something was wrong. She did not have a fan in her bedroom. The hand draped across her bare stomach and the realization that she was not in bed alone was the second, and definitely more startling, indicator that JJ had crossed over into foreign territory.
Panic rushed in to fill the void that familiarity had left behind.
What had she done?
She looked over at Rayshawn, whose head rested on the pillow next to hers, and her stomach clenched. Bolting from the king-size bed in alarm, she wrapped the sheet around her and dashed into the bathroom. She sat on the closed toilet seat, the vague soreness in her nether regions confirming that this was in fact not a dream.
She had slept with Rayshawn. Even though she had sworn she wouldn’t, she had broken her promise of celibacy to herself and to God.
She covered her face in her hands as waves of guilt and despair washed over her. They were right. They were all right. She had changed. And she wasn’t even sure who she was anymore. She tried to hold back tears as she sat hunched in the tiny room. What was she thinking? How could she let herself slip like this? She didn’t remember if they had used a condom. What if she got pregnant or got something worse? And where were her clothes?
A knock on the door broke into her thoughts.
“JJ?”
She wiped her hands hastily over her face. She would not let him see her cry over this.
“Babe, I know you’re freaked out about this,” he said gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No!” That was the last thing she wanted to do. Especially with Rayshawn. She needed to leave. Now.
She opened the door and found him dressed only in a pair of jeans, holding a mug of hot cocoa.
He was smirking.
“I knew you wouldn’t want to talk about it.” He handed her the mug and kissed her on her forehead. “I know you’re mad at yourself. But these things happen. Don’t beat yourself up over it. And you don’t have to worry about me disappearing like some other guys. I’m not going anywhere.”
His words brought a tiny bit of comfort to JJ, but not a lot. No matter what Rayshawn said, it would never justify what had just happened.
JJ looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “I just want to go home. Can you . . .”
“Get your clothes?” he asked. “Sure. Enjoy your hot cocoa.”
He squeezed her arm before walking out of the room. JJ wrapped the sheet tighter around herself and shuffled out of the bathroom, looking around the room for a place to sit. She glanced at the rumpled sheets of the monstrosity in which she had given her body to Rayshawn and looked away. She chose the lounge by the window instead, pulling her legs up under her. She closed her eyes, wanting to pray, but knew that God wanted nothing to do with her. So she sighed and sipped her hot cocoa, and hoped Rayshawn would hurry up with her clothes. When he finally did return, however, JJ could tell that what had happened a few hours earlier between them was no longer on his mind.
“What’s wrong?” JJ asked, cutting to the chase.
Rayshawn laid her clothes on the lounge and sat at the foot of the bed, facing her. She didn’t like the lines on his face, the way he seemed to be thinking about the best way to say whatever it was that needed to be said.
“Just spit it out,” she said impatiently.
Rayshawn sighed. “I just got the call. You’ve been dropped from the tour.”
He might as well have told JJ a meteorite had dropped from the sky onto her house. The news was just as unbelievable and equally devastating.
