Yesterday's Roses

by Heather Cullman

  Letting her arms drop to her sides, Hallie whispered, “I want to understand, Jake. I want to know, so I can help you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I care about you.”

  “Why?” He punctuated the word with a snort of incredulity.

  For the tenth time in as many minutes, Hallie reminded herself of the hell Jake had endured in the past twenty-four hours. As a doctor, she knew from experience that people often expressed pain and grief with anger.

  Thus excusing Jake’s ill temper, she patiently explained, “We’re friends, remember? I may not have had much experience with friendship, but I do know that friends care about their friends.”

  “Fine. Then be a friend and find me another glass so I can finish the rest of this whiskey.”

  “As your doctor, I’ll have to say no. The last thing you need is more liquor. What you need is sleep.”

  He eyed her derisively. “Why do you think I need the whiskey, Doc? Perhaps if I get drunk enough, I’ll be able to sleep.”

  “And make yourself violently ill in the process.” Hallie frowned as a tremor shook his body. “Lord! Look at the way you’re shaking—and your face looks all flushed. Definite signs of fever, in my professional opinion.”

  She reached up to feel his forehead, but he jerked his face away with an impatient growl.

  “Damn it, Hallie! Will you stop poking at me? I’m a grown man, and the last thing I need, or want, is a nursemaid.” He glared at her in a manner that would have silenced a more fainthearted soul.

  But timid Hallie wasn’t. “Oh, I can see what a wonderful job you’re doing of taking care of yourself. Why, a few more days of such tender care, and we’ll be sending for Mr. Folsom to prepare his next customer—you!”

  Jake chuckled humorlessly at that. “Tell him I prefer a nice wooden coffin. None of this silk-covered metallic burial case nonsense for me.”

  Her patience snapped. “Damn it, Jake! This isn’t funny. Perhaps if you weren’t such a mule-headed creature, you might see that I’m trying to help you.”

  “Fine!” he snorted. “Then help by leaving me alone.”

  “Fine!” Hallie snorted back, rising to her feet. “I’ll go. It will serve you right if you end up confined to your bed babbling with delirium like a lunatic.” She gave him an assessing look. “Come to think of it, there are several rather unusual treatments for fever I’ve wanted to try. Of course, they’re a bit on the unpleasant side, but quite effective, I’m told.”

  She shrugged dismissively. “When the need arises, you may contact me at the Mission House. I was going to offer to examine your wound before I left, but, God knows, I certainly wouldn’t want to be accused of poking at you again. So with Your Highness’s most gracious leave, I’ll finish my packing and leave for the mission this evening.”

  “By all means, Dr. Gardiner. And you can tell Hop to have the carriage brought around. We can’t have one of San Francisco’s few do-gooders braving the evils of the streets after dark.”

  Hallie sketched a mock curtsy as if deferring to some imperial deity. “Your wish is my command, Your Royal Arrogance.”

  “Oh, and never fear, Mission Lady,” he said in a condescending manner that made Hallie long to kick him, “I’ll have the bank set up a fund for your infirmary first thing in the morning. You’ve sure as hell earned it.”

  “I sure as hell have. A big one, let me remind you.” With her nose firmly in the air, Hallie turned to leave. “Oh!” She lightly slapped her forehead as she remembered her forgotten question. “Would you like me to send a woman from the mission to help with the baby?

  She’s doing much better, but still requires constant attention. The wet nurse is exhausted from the effort. I could recommend several women who would be grateful for the job.”

  “I don’t care. Do what you think best.”

  Hallie felt her spine stiffen at his callous attitude. With a stamp of her foot, she spun around to face him. Bracing her hands on her hips, she snapped, “Obviously you don’t care! That poor baby was born six weeks ago, and you haven’t even named her yet.”

  “I thought you and Serena would concoct something.”

  “Serena wasn’t even aware of the baby’s existence half the time, and she was hardly in any condition to think of a name. You would have known that had you bothered to ask after your daughter more often.”

  Jake shrugged indifferently. “You can have the honor then. Call her whatever you like.” Then he closed his eyes and tipped his head back against his chair, satisfied that the matter was settled.

  But it was far from settled in Hallie’s mind. She stared at Jake’s composed face, her anger growing fiercer as the minutes ticked away. Finally she erupted. “How can you be so heartless? Are you so unforgiving of Serena’s wrongs that you would take it out on your own child? Will she spend her life bearing the brunt of your bitterness? That baby has your blood running in her veins as well as her mother’s, you know. By virtue of that very fact, she’s got a last name and like it or not, that name is Parrish. Don’t you think it’s about time you acted like a real father? The poor little thing is motherless, surely you don’t intend to treat her as if she’s fatherless, as well!”

  “She’s not mine to name,” Jake muttered, cracking his eyes open to look at her through narrowed slits.

  “Don’t be ridiculous. As her father—”

  “You’re not listening to me, damn it! She’s not mine. I’m not her father.” His eyes flew open, and he fixed Hallie with a glowering stare. She wanted answers? Fine. She’d get them—and regret the asking. “I left San Francisco in ’62 and didn’t return until January of this year. The baby was born the twenty-first of August. Surely you can count, Dr. Gardiner?”

  “Well, the baby was very small at birth. I thought it was due to Serena’s poor condition, but I suppose it could be that she was born too early.”

  “Early or not, she isn’t mine.” Jake saw Hallie’s mouth open as if to protest, but he cut her off with a commanding wave of his hand. “It would be impossible. You see, Dr. Gardiner, I haven’t had relations with my wife in years. She couldn’t bear my touch—or anything else about me for that matter. And though I may be a bit of a bastard at times, I’ve never forced a woman.”

  Seizing the cane resting against his chair, Jake struggled to his feet, cursing beneath his breath at his weakened state. As he began to waver dangerously, Hallie rushed forward and slipped a supporting arm around him. But he rudely pushed her away and braced himself against the mantel.

  “Of course, once she discovered herself pregnant, my darling Serena had a change of heart and tried to seduce me. She was good too, the way she fondled and coaxed me while whispering all sorts of carnal suggestions into my ear.”

  Hallie forced a note of calmness into her voice as she interjected, “I don’t think you should be telling me all this. You’re overwrought and don’t know what you’re saying. Perhaps it would be best if I left now.” And though she had managed to sound composed, she could feel the color rising in her face at the blatant nature of his confession.

  As she turned to go, Jake dropped his cane and grabbed her arm. Roughly, he brought her reeling against his chest. “I know exactly what I’m saying. You begged to understand, my friend, and I’m simply obliging that request. I expect you to listen to every last word of what I have to say.” He crushed her closer until he could feel the frantic beating of her heart.

  “Yes, Serena teased me in ways that would have done the most skilled of whores proud. Yet, despite her impressive efforts, I couldn’t rise for her. God knows I tried. I thought if I could make love to her, it might help break some of the barriers between us. But when I tasted the foulness of the opium in her mouth and smelled the way that sickening odor mixed with her usual fragrance of roses, I couldn’t get aroused. She hated me for that. I hated myself, too.”

 
“Jake, please don’t—”

  “Just listen, damn it!” he snarled, commanding her silence with his wrathful gaze. “I’m not blind. I’ve seen the way you look at me. But before you get any more of your silly, romantic notions about me, I think you should know the truth: I’m unable to father a child.”

  Hallie stared at him, dumbstruck. “I don’t see how that can be true. I’ve seen you naked and witnessed your—uh—response. I’ll admit I’m no expert in such things, but that part of you seemed vigorous enough.”

  “You really are naive, Dr. Gardiner. Even with all your medical expertise and education.” His brow raised with sardonic amusement and he chuckled dryly. “However, you are correct about my so-called vigor in that area. The failure to produce a child didn’t come from a lack of lovemaking, but from Serena’s failure to conceive. In my arrogance, I simply assumed she was barren. Of course, since I loved her so, I convinced myself it didn’t matter. You can imagine my shock when I found her pregnant by another man. The humiliation I felt at discovering that another man had succeeded where I had failed was almost more than I could bear. You see, my dear, I was at last forced to face the shameful truth: I am only half a man.”

  Jake released Hallie abruptly, not able to bear her expression of pity a moment longer. With some difficulty, he eased himself around to gaze into the fire. He welcomed the shadows that shrouded his face, for they obscured his features from Hallie’s probing gaze and he didn’t want her to see how much his confession had pained him.

  Jake had expected Hallie to flee as soon as she found herself free. But, as usual, she did the unexpected, remaining close by his side. He heard a rustle from her skirts and then felt the familiar shape of his cane as she slipped it into his hand. He gave a sharp nod of acknowledgment.

  “Jake.” Hallie stopped to clear her throat uncomfortably several times. Lord! Not only had she just treated her first naked man, but here she was discussing problems of a sexual nature with him as well. She’d certainly come a long way in the last two days. “It’s not uncommon for a man not to be able to father children. I’ve heard the male doctors discuss the subject when they thought I wasn’t listening. And though I can’t claim to have any answers or cures for your affliction, it doesn’t change the fact that I still think of you as the most masculine man I’ve ever met. Besides, I’ve seen instances where children were born to men who had long since given up hope. Perhaps someday that will happen to you.”

  “Are you finished with your uplifting little lecture, Dr. Gardiner?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Then please go and leave me alone.”

  Hallie clutched Jake’s arm, beseeching him, “Why won’t you let me help you?”

  “Because I don’t need your help.” He roughly shook off her hands.

  “You need help worse than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re just too stubborn to admit it!”

  “Damn it, Hallie.” Jake twisted his head around to fix her with a look of such vehemence that Hallie gasped and took a step backward. “When, and if, I want your advice, I’ll ask for it. Until such time, I want you to get out and stop prying into my personal affairs.” He practically shouted the last words.

  “Jake, please—”

  “Out!”

  Hallie threw up her hands in a motion of surrender. “All right! Fine! Wallow in your self-pity alone. See if I care. I’ll be out of your house within the hour, and I promise I won’t disturb your sulking to say good-bye.” She marched out of the room, slamming the door with resounding finality.

  Jake stood poised for several moments before turning to stare at his beloved library. All the warmth seemed to have fled the room along with Hallie. Not that he was surprised. He sighed and hobbled back to his chair. Groaning loudly at the pain that wracked every muscle and nerve in his body, he settled into the well-worn seat.

  Yes. In the past weeks, Hallie had become his beacon of hope, guiding him through the terrible despair that plagued his life and showing him a joy he’d thought lost forever. She’d taught him how to smile again and how to laugh. She’d taken that which was mundane in everyday life and, somehow, made it seem special. She’d become the reason he looked forward to the beginning of every day.

  A lonely ache blossomed in Jake’s chest. Hallie was leaving now. He had driven her away.

  But it’s all for the best, he told himself fiercely. She’s in love with me. That fact was irrefutable.

  Yet she deserved so much more than he could ever give her. Hallie should have a man who could offer her a love that was untainted by bitterness and distrust. Someone who would never fail or disappoint her. A husband who wasn’t a cripple, and one who could give her the children he knew she craved.

  It’s all for the best.

  For the first time that day, Jake felt real sorrow and he wept.

  Chapter 12

  So he’s back, thought Hallie, watching as Jake leaned forward to whisper into Arabella Dunlap’s ear. Arabella was considered to be the prettiest girl in town, and from the way Jake was hovering over her, it seemed he agreed. Apparently his three-month absence from San Francisco had made certain hearts grow fonder, for the Widow Dunlap appeared to be equally charmed by the, dashing Mr. Parrish.

  As Arabella twined her arms around Jake’s neck and pulled his face close to hers, something uncomfortably akin to jealousy flooded Hallie’s heart. Arabella, with her darkly exotic beauty, and Jake, looking more handsome than ever, made a striking couple. Hallie hadn’t missed the way several passersby had paused to cast admiring glances at the pair, though, of course, the twosome were far too involved in each other to notice.

  Jake and Arabella remained pressed close, engaged in what appeared to be an intimate discussion, until Jake shouted with laughter and nodded. Squealing with delight, Arabella stood on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss to his lips.

  The woman was beaming at him as if he’d just promised to slay a dragon for her, observed Hallie, irrationally annoyed by Arabella’s simpering. Fighting her urge to kick the perfect couple in their well-groomed backsides, she tried to look away. After all, what that Parrish man did was none of her affair.

  Yet try as she might, Hallie couldn’t seem to stop herself from staring longingly at Jake … or from wishing all sorts of horrible fates to befall Arabella.

  Unaware that they were the objects of such close scrutiny, Jake tucked Arabella’s hand into the crook of his arm and escorted her to a trim barouche waiting at the curb. As he handed the beautiful widow into her carriage, Jake caught sight of Hallie and waved.

  Hallie groaned inwardly. She was cursed—definitely cursed! What other explanation could there be for the way she was continually finding herself in these awkward positions? Embarrassed at being caught spying, she sheepishly waved back and then fled, as sedately as possible, down the street.

  Fool! she scolded herself, halting her flight only long enough to shift her cumbersome medical bag from one hand to the other. Of course someone with Jake Parrish’s looks and money would want someone like Arabella Dunlap. Did you really think he’d be interested in a plain, carrot-headed, bluestocking such as yourself? The obvious answer to that question made her heart give a painful lurch.

  By the time Hallie rounded the corner of Montgomery Street, her bag had become impossibly heavy, and she paused to set it down in front of a fashionable millinery shop. With a dejected little sigh, she turned to stare, without really seeing, into the plate-glass window.

  It was the glitter of gold that finally drew her attention to the festive display before her. Gold paper snowflakes. Hallie felt a stab of nostalgia at the cheerful sight. When she was five years old, her mother had taught her how to make paper snowflakes like the ones in the window. And though her childish efforts had been rumpled and misshapen, her mother had exclaimed over them, calling them perfect. From that time on, the creation of foil snowflakes became a joyful yearly tradition. />
  Hallie stifled a sob. Here it was almost Christmas, and she’d never felt so alone in her life. If she hadn’t been standing amidst a bustling crowd, she probably would have burst into tears.

  Just when she’d convinced herself that she was the most desolate creature on earth, Hallie felt someone come up behind her. She didn’t need to turn to know who it was, for she could sense the sweet familiarity of his presence. They stood like that for a long while, neither speaking nor moving.

  “I like the green one,” he finally said, breaking the awkward silence.

  “Excuse me?” Hallie turned to glance up at Jake as he moved to her side. He looked wonderful. His face was more tan than she remembered, and, for a change, he looked well rested.

  Jake pointed to a frilly hat liberally bedecked with ribbons and feathers. “The hat. I like it.”

  Hallie made a show of studying his hunter green coat and then glanced back at the hat in question. “It would go perfectly with your jacket,” she teased. Actually, the bonnet in question was a softer shade of green, a color that reminded her of his eyes. Those particular thoughts, however, she refrained from voicing.

  Jake grinned at her jest. “I’ve missed you, Mission Lady,” he murmured, taking her hands in his.

  Though they both wore gloves, Hallie could have sworn she felt the warmth of his touch, even through two layers of kidskin. As she stared up into his handsome face, she suddenly wished that their hands were bare, craving the feel of the smooth texture of his skin as he caressed her palms.

  “I never properly thanked you for everything you did for Serena … and me. I acted like an ungrateful bastard the night of the funeral. You didn’t deserve to be treated in such a callous manner and I’m truly sorry.”

  Hallie smiled gently at his pleading expression. He looked uncertain, almost as if he half expected her to reject his apology. Giving his hand a reassuring squeeze, she said, “It’s not necessary to apologize. You were tired and in pain. I understood.”