Invisible Life

by E. Lynn Harris

  “What was that about?” she asked.

  “What?”

  “I mean, he looked like he knew you.”

  “Well, we both have seen him before. Remember the party at the beginning of the year? His name is Kelvin Ellis.”

  “Oh yeah, my soror Cinda Shepard is crazy about him. They’ve been out a couple of times.”

  “Who is Cinda Shepard?”

  “You know her.”

  “Is she that brown-skinned sister with the bad weave and green contacts?”

  “Yeah, but she’s a sweet girl and really smart.”

  Sela and I went back into the apartment and picked up where we had left off. Things went normally, or so they seemed. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe that I wouldn’t be able to get it up or that I would think of Friday night with Kelvin. Sela still excited me and I loved waking up with her in the mornings, her head lying against my chest.

  Saturday night went by swiftly, and on Sunday morning Sela and I attended church. During the altar call I was tempted to throw myself on the altar to repent for Friday night, but I resisted. After dropping Sela off, I looked at my watch. Four o’clock. I drove my car down Sharp Street toward my apartment and away from the student union and Kelvin. I was at a stoplight that seemed to stay red forever when I suddenly found myself turning right instead of left, in the direction of the student union. As I reached the student union, I saw Kelvin leaning against the front door. I could tell he spotted me immediately. Before I could blow my horn, he was walking toward the driver’s side of my car.

  “Get in,” I said.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “Come on now, Kelvin. Quit playing.”

  “Okay, I give up,” he said, grinning, as he got in on the passenger side.

  “Where to?” I asked.

  “You know this place better than I do.”

  “Let’s go back to the scene of the crime.”

  “Your apartment?”

  “No.”

  “Where?”

  “The stadium.”

  “The stadium?”

  “It’s usually empty around this time.”

  “Let’s go!”

  We drove into the parking lot of the stadium and went around through the fence that students used on game days. It was empty, with the exception of a few football players running around the track. We went high up into the stadium so that we couldn’t be recognized and no one could hear our conversation.

  The sky above was clear and blue and the wind seemed to blow harder the higher we climbed. We sat opposite each other on the hard aluminum bleachers. It seemed as though we were in a vacuum, sitting alone in the enormous empty stadium.

  “So, what’s up?” I asked.

  “You.”

  “What did you want to talk about?”

  “Friday night.”

  “What about it?”

  “Was that really your first time?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I think so.”

  “Why?”

  “I can just tell.”

  “How?” I asked curiously.

  “Trust me, I know.”

  “I bet. I heard you’re dating Cinda.”

  “Cinda who?”

  “Cinda Shepard.”

  “We’ve been out a couple of times, nothing special. I told you, I have a girlfriend back in Philly. Her name is Paula Wyatt.”

  “Oh, and do you have a boyfriend too?”

  “Don’t be silly. I’ve told you about that sissy shit.”

  “Well, this is all new to me. What do you mean you could tell?”

  “Yeah, I realized that, but you’re easy to read.”

  “What do you mean I’m ‘easy to read’?”

  “Don’t worry about it. That’s just an expression. I just had this feeling about you when we met, kind of like a sixth sense.” Kelvin paused and then continued, “I don’t think anyone else would pick it up unless they were in themselves. Raymond, I think you’re pretty special and I would like to become your friend even if we don’t ever sleep together again. I promise not to interfere with your relationship with your girlfriend, Selee.”

  “You mean Sela?” I snapped.

  “Yes, whatever. But Friday night has to be our secret. You know I plan to be a big football star in this place and something like this could end it all.”

  “Who am I going to tell?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, don’t worry. This is a secret I’ll carry to my grave!”

  “Can I ask you a question?” Kelvin asked seriously.

  “Oh boy, here we go again,” I said with nervous laughter.

  “No, be serious. Was I the first guy to ever approach you?”

  “Yeah. Do I look like a sissy?”

  “That’s not what I mean. It’s not about that sissy shit. Look at you. You’re an attractive guy. I can’t believe that Friday was the first time.”

  “Well, trust me, it was.”

  “I believe you, Raymond. It’s not the end of the world.”

  “I don’t know if I agree. I mean, nothing like this has ever happened to me,” I said.

  “Raymond, if it hadn’t been me, it would have been someone else.”

  “You sound so confident. I don’t think it will happen again.”

  “We’ll see. Is it okay if I have your phone number?” Kelvin asked.

  “I don’t know if that would be cool. I have a roommate.”

  “What do you think I’m going to do? Call him and tell him what went down?”

  “No.”

  “Then stop tripping. I just want to keep in touch. There is nothing wrong with a friend calling a friend. Right?”

  “I guess you’re right. It’s 332-8971. And yours?”

  “I don’t know,” he teased. “I’ve got a roommate.”

  “Now who’s tripping?” I asked.

  “It’s 332-9981.”

  “Thanks, I’ll write it down when I get back to my car.”

  “Raymond, you know one time doesn’t make you gay.”

  “It doesn’t?”

  “No, Raymond, it doesn’t.”

  “Well, we better get out of here before they think we’re trying to burn this baby down.”

  “Burn it?”

  “Yeah, my freshman year the black students demanded that the band stop playing ‘Dixie’ and the cheerleaders stop carrying Confederate flags. When they refused, there were several flag burnings by the Black Student Union.”

  “Man, what have I gotten myself into?”

  “Are you talking about the flags or me?”

  “Both,” Kelvin said with a lighthearted smile.

  I dropped Kelvin off by Westview and headed for my apartment. As I drove, I became filled with so many tortured feelings about Kelvin and Friday night. When I arrived at the door, I could hear the stereo in my apartment blasting a new song, “You Give Good Love.” The first time I had heard it was early Saturday morning as Kelvin and I lay with our backs to each other. I thought to myself that it was such a beautiful song. When I walked into the apartment, my roommate, Stanley, was washing dishes.

  “How was your weekend?” he asked.

  “Okay,” I said. “Who sings this song?”

  “It’s a new singer. Her name is Whitney Houston. She used to be a model, and Ray, she is so fine. Look at the cover. The album is as good as she looks.”

  “I love that song. Yeah, she is beautiful.” Great, I thought to myself, women still look good to me.

  “I’ve been playing the album constantly. Anything special happen this weekend?” Stanley asked.

  “No, not really, just a typical weekend in the country.”

  Two

  As the fall semester progressed, so did my relationship with Kelvin. I guess you wouldn’t really call it a relationship. Sometimes we would meet and study in the library, walk around campus and wind up at the stadium talking about things I couldn’t talk about with anyone else, e
specially Sela. It was easy talking with Kelvin. When we talked, I felt as though we were the only two people on earth.

  Sela was still important to me and I was convinced that I still loved her and would eventually marry her. But Kelvin excited me in ways that were hard to explain, let alone understand. At times the guilt was unbearable. This relationship was totally against everything I had been taught. My happiness with Kelvin was sometimes replaced with disgust, depression and disappointment when I wanted to be with him but instead fought those feelings and spent the time with Sela. There were periods of extended remorse on both our parts, days when I avoided Kelvin like I avoided visits to the dentist. I was certain he had days when he felt the same about me. Our relationship was like a fickle faucet that ran both hot and cold. You never knew what to expect.

  Kelvin’s football career was off to a promising start, as was his reputation as a ladies’ man. There were times when we saw each other at campus dances and he was often with attractive girls. I would become jealous, but these were feelings that I had to keep inside.

  Once we were together, we would talk about my jealousy. I think he got jealous seeing me with Sela, but he never let on. Kelvin always reassured me, explaining that I knew about the females in his life but they would never know about me. It was our secret.

  I often wondered why this had happened to me. Would this relationship and the new revelations I experienced with Kelvin change the carefully laid plans that my parents and Sela had mapped out for my future? How would I make room in my life for this? My schoolwork was not affected by this new relationship. In fact, my grades were perfect. The only difference was that the relationship forced me to reconsider staying in Alabama for law school and giving up my dream of leaving for an Ivy League law school education.

  My relationship with Sela remained the same. As far as she knew, Kelvin was no more than a face in the crowd. She was busy with the football season and her sorority. We continued to do things that we always shared. Our lovemaking was frequent and passionate, and when I experienced difficulties getting in the mood, I would conjure up thoughts of my lovemaking sessions with Kelvin. It wasn’t hurting anyone and Sela seemed satisfied. I assumed she was satisfied. I sometimes wondered if it wasn’t an act. I mean, I had always heard all this stuff about women faking orgasms. At least with Kelvin and me the proof was there. He was a sexual cyclone.

  It was the longest we had ever been apart since we met. Ten whole days. It was the first time I could remember that I wanted Christmas and New Year’s to come and go. I wasn’t even interested in what Sela or my parents had gotten me for Christmas.

  Sela’s parents surprised her for Christmas with a new Ford Mustang, so she decided to drive to Atlanta to pick up one of her Delta sorors. As luck would have it, a huge snowstorm hit town, and while I made it back in my car, I wondered if Kelvin’s flight would get in. The airport was small and I could see him stuck somewhere between Alabama and Philadelphia.

  I found myself pacing around the one-bedroom apartment that I still shared with Stanley, who had to be one of the straightest brothers in my fraternity. This was the first time I could ever remember being alone. My roommate or Sela always seemed to be around, but on this day I didn’t want to be alone. Where was Kelvin? Suddenly the phone rang and my heart started to race as I let it ring again. I couldn’t be too anxious.

  After the fourth ring I grabbed the phone and there was a dial tone. Who was it? No one besides my parents knew that I was back in town. I had given them some excuse about my scholarship money being in question and my needing to get back early to get the mess cleared up.

  Maybe it was a wrong number or maybe it was Kelvin. Then a terrible thought came across my mind: what if it was Sela? Maybe she had decided to surprise me and show up on campus early. She wouldn’t dare.

  Now I was a nervous wreck. What if it had been Kelvin? Maybe he thought I couldn’t get away from my family, or that I had gotten stuck in the snow, which was now about six inches deep. Almost half an hour later the phone rang again. This time I didn’t wait and I picked it up in the middle of the first ring.

  “Hello,” I said quickly.

  “Hello, Ray, is that you?”

  “Yeah. Where the hell are you?”

  “You’ll never guess.”

  My heart started to beat at a rapid rate. “Where?”

  All of a sudden Kelvin started to laugh out loud. “I’m in the dorm, you nut. Hurry up and come get me!”

  “Don’t play with me like that. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  I grabbed the black leather jacket my father had bought me for Christmas, checked for my car keys and headed out the door. When I reached my car, I couldn’t believe what had happened. Snow covered every inch of my black Volkswagen. The only way I knew it was my car was because other than it, the lot at my apartment complex was empty. Most of the students who lived there were still away for the holidays. I looked at the streets and saw that there were no cars and the snow was still falling very fast. After removing all the snow from my car, I tried to start it. The car would not turn over. I tried over and over with no luck. It was frozen solid.

  Depressed, I went back into my warm apartment and picked up the phone to call Kelvin. Before I even dialed, I heard his voice on the other end.

  “Where are you?” he asked.

  “Guess what?” I said. “My car won’t start. It’s frozen stiff.”

  “What are we going to do?” he demanded.

  “I don’t know,” I replied reluctantly.

  “I can’t wait to see you! I’ve missed you something terrible. I even have on my black bikini underwear,” he added.

  I could just imagine his muscular brown body fitting perfectly into his black bikini underwear and I knew then that nothing was going to keep me away.

  “Start walking. I’ll meet you halfway,” Kelvin said.

  “Are you crazy? Do you know how far that is?”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll make it worth your while,” he said softly.

  “I’m leaving now,” I replied hurriedly.

  I didn’t realize how far I had walked until I noticed the full moon looking over the snow-covered grounds of the beautiful campus. It was like a ghost town: no students moving around, no campus buses or cars, no lights or shadows in the huge dormitory windows.

  As I reached the bottom of the hill, I could see Kelvin coming around the bend. Though he was all bundled up, he looked fantastic to me. As he got closer, I could see his sparkling smile beneath the snow-covered purple skullcap that covered his head and most of his face. Before I knew it, I was running and sliding toward him and he was running and sliding toward me too. Within moments we were doing the unthinkable. Embracing in front of the university president’s red brick house. All of a sudden we both fell and started rolling around in the snow, still embracing each other. There we were, acting as though we were the only inhabitants in this picturesque college town. Two able-bodied black men, in a town where most of its citizens were as white as the snow that now covered it, kissing like nothing else mattered but that moment. I looked up at the transparent sky and suddenly realized the importance of that moment; my lust for Kelvin had slowly turned to love. Never, in any of my most romantic dreams, had I ever imagined a night as perfect as that cold winter night.

  My final spring semester at AU sailed by with the speed of a Carl Lewis one-hundred-yard dash. While I had become comfortable with the sexual relationship with Kelvin, I was not prepared for an emotional relationship. The more I began to care for Kelvin, the more frustrated I became with the demands of my now strained relationship with Sela. Oftentimes I started fights with Sela for no apparent reason, at least in Sela’s eyes.

  There were times, however, when I needed Sela, not just for public appearances, but because deep in my heart I truly cared for her. Times when I only wanted to be wrapped in her small arms, lying there, looking at her, smelling her. I thought of the countless times I had told Sela I loved her and really meant i
t, but I couldn’t understand why it was impossible to tell Kelvin just once. Was it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? One Friday evening Kelvin did the impossible. We were sitting in my apartment about to start our second six-pack of beer. Kelvin slowly walked from the kitchen to my stereo just as the last notes of Whitney’s “You Give Good Love” faded away. Kelvin fumbled through my album collection for a few minutes and then said aloud, “I found it.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Just listen,” Kelvin said as he put his finger to his lips. “Shhh.”

  Suddenly the room was filled with the sounds of LTD’s “Love Ballad.” I will never forget how, just as Jeffrey Osborne was about to proclaim the depth of his love, Kelvin gently lifted the needle from the album gazed at me and proclaimed, “I love you.”

  The room was bathed in silence as I sat on the sofa, staring at Kelvin. I was dumbfounded; my stomach was quietly turning somersaults. I knew I loved him too, but I couldn’t say it; instead, I smiled and murmured, “I know.”

  Decisions, decisions. It would have been easy had I only been accepted to law school at AU. Instead, I found myself accepted at Howard, Columbia, Harvard and, of course, AU; this made my decision more difficult. Choosing a school to further my education was one thing, but trying to satisfy my educational goals and both relationships made my decision even more complicated.

  The only person willing to voice an opinion was my father. He favored Harvard. I wanted Howard and Washington, D.C. Sela had always assumed that I would go East for law school. Kelvin mentioned that he wouldn’t mind transferring to Howard. I compromised and chose Columbia. I was on my way to New York City.

  Three

  Alabama and the university were miles and years away—they had become my past. Parallel to the distance and the days, my relationships with Kelvin and Sela were also things of the past. It was hard to believe, but I was now entering my sixth year of living in New York City. Who said I wouldn’t last?